Wise Kraken/transcript

This article is a transcript of the Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years episode "Wise Kraken" from season 1, which aired on July 22, 2021.

[The episode begins with some campers running in front of the Krusty Kanteen. Plankton is seen in his lab, screaming.]
Karen: [approaches] Mr. Plankton, are you all right?
Plankton: I'm screaming with excitement, Karen. Tonight I will create my ultimate evil invention. [activates a projector in his hand, which displays a blue pie] Behold! The Doomsday Pie! Probably blueberry.
Perch: [over loudspeaker] Attention, campers. Get ready to laugh tonight at the Kamp Koral standup comedy revue. 7:00 p.m. at the Krusty Kanteen.
Plankton: The Krusty Kanteen? [holographic pie falls onto him as he lets go of the projector] Not tonight!
[Cut to Plankton walking to the outhouse, opening the door.]
Plankton: Krabs! [Mr. Krabs screams] I've got plans tonight and refuse to have those pipsqueaks cracking wise in my place.
Mr. Krabs: It's my place. And you will learn your place, or you will be fired in disgrace! [his claw appears and twirls Plankton, throwing him back into the canteen]
[A timelapse over the rest of the day plays, where the campers build the comedy revue. A giant sign that says "KOMETY KANTEEN!" is also built. The timelapse ends, and Mrs. Puff steps onstage as the campers are all in the audience, except for SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward, who are standing next to the stage.]
Mrs. Puff: [on mic, clears throat] Settle down. Tonight's funniest camper will receive the Kamp Koral comedy badge.
[The crowd applauds as SpongeBob and Patrick laugh excitedly. Mr. Krabs comes by with some milk cartons.]
Mr. Krabs: [as SpongeBob and Patrick each give him a coin] And there's a two milk minimum tonight, kids, so drink up! Get your milk right here! Free milk, for money!
Squidward: [as SpongeBob and Patrick drink their milk] I'd wish you two luck, but you wouldn't know funny if it bit your faces off.
[SpongeBob and Patrick squirt milk from their noses at Squidward, then each other, out of laughter.]
Mrs. Puff: And now tonight's first comedian, [gesturing to Shecky, who gets onstage] Camper Shecky!
Shecky: [touching mic] Hey, is this thing on? I just swam in from Atlantis, and boy, is my schmavis hyyen!
Kidferatu: [plays rimshot, hisses]
[Everyone in the crowd except for Upturn laughs.]
Shecky: Why did the sea captain flush the toilet?
Crowd: Why?
Shecky: Because it was his [salutes] "doody"!
Crowd: [laughing]
Kidferatu: [rimshot plays, hisses, toilet flushes]
Upturn: [stands up] I am offended! [turns around] Oh!
Shecky: Hey, Missy, was it something I said?
Harvey: [shoves Shecky out of the way and gets on mic] Campers, I urge you to please keep your amusement to a minimum, because our sounds of mirth could awaken an ancient evil!
Kidferatu: [rimshot plays, hisses]
Crowd: [laughing]
Harvey: This isn't a joke! Your laughter could be the end of us all! I'm warning you... [gets taken away by a cane]
Kidferatu: [rimshot plays, hisses]
Crowd: [laughing]
Mrs. Puff: [now onstage, on mic] [chuckles] Funny stuff. And now with some impressions, here's camper SpongeBob! [gestures to SpongeBob, who comes onstage in a bubble]
SpongeBob: [pops out of bubble, blows Mrs. Puff-shaped bubble with bubble wand] [imitating Mrs. Puff] And now with some impressions, here's camper SpongeBob! [crowd laughs, Mrs. Puff bubble expands] Oh, no! I'm puffing up again! [bubble pops]
Mrs. Puff: [laughing along with the audience]
SpongeBob: Here's someone else you might recognize. [blows a Mr. Krabs bubble, imitating Mr. Krabs] I likes money! [laughs like Mr. Krabs]
[The crowd laughs, although Mr. Krabs does not.]
Mr. Krabs: [shrugging] I don't get it.
Kidferatu: [rimshot plays, hisses and blows away the Mr. Krabs bubble, sending it into the canteen's pipe]
Plankton: [with oven mitts, in front of pie in oven] [laughs evilly] Let them tell their stupid jokes. I'm baking the world's deadliest weapon. [giggles, oven timer goes off] [carries pie, and sees the Mr. Krabs bubble] Krabs, how did you get in here? [bubble pops on him] Whoa! [drops pie, which explodes] Those rotten kids.
[Cut back to outside the canteen, where Mrs. Puff is onstage with the microphone.]
Mrs. Puff: Next we have--
Plankton: [raises canteen door] You little monsters think this is funny? I'll squash all of you like grapes!
Camper: [off-screen] You're a grape! [throws tomato]
Plankton: I-- [gets hit and sent back by the tomato]
[Crashing sounds are heard. Narlene's foot holds up a piece of paper, which Mrs. Puff reads.]
Mrs. Puff: [reading] Next we have the comedy team of Narlene and Nobby! [runs off]
[A log is thrown onstage, and Narlene and Nobby pop out of it.]
Narlene: [waving] Howdy, critters! Say howdy to the folks, Nobby.
Nobby: [speaks gibberish]
Narlene: He says, "Howdy!" [rimshot plays] So, Nobby, so do you know how to make a tissue dance?
Nobby: [speaks gibberish]
Narlene: He says, "Put a little boogie in it." [rimshot plays]
Crowd: [laughs]
Upturn: I am offended! [scoffs, walks off]
Narlene: I got an idea, Nobby. How's about [holds up a jar of Sugar Squeeze] I take a long drink while you sing us a song?
Nobby: Yee-haw!
Narlene: He says he'll think about it. [rimshot plays, crowd laughs]
Nobby: [starts opera singing as Narlene drinks the Sugar Squeeze, then they both break apart into pieces like glass]
Crowd: [gasps, then Narlene and Nobby appear onstage again]
Narlene and Nobby: [both nod, crowd cheers]
Narlene: Say "a rividerci," Nobby!
Nobby: Buenas noches. [rimshot plays, crowd laughs]
Mr. Krabs: [running after Narlene and Nobby with a broom] I told you vagabonds to stay out of me camp!
Harvey: [runs up to mic] Please stop laughing! He's gonna rise out of the lake and eat us! Who's gonna rise out of the lake and eat us, you ask? Oh, nobody special-- just [holds up poster depicting the Kraken] the Kraken! [crowd laughs, then jeers] [gets pulled offstage by a cane]
Mrs. Puff: [back onstage] Let's keep the yuks coming with Monsieur Squidward! [leaves stage as Squidward, in a mime outfit, gets onstage] Yay! Oh!
Squidward: [pretends that he is stuck in a box, which makes the crowd unamused]
[Cut back to Plankton next to the oven]
Plankton: [listening] Sounds like the show is over. [chuckles] Yes.
[Cut back to Squidward, who wipes a tentacle over his face and smiles. He once again pretends that he is stuck in a box.]
Crowd: [throwing tomatoes at Squidward's invisible box, jeering] Boo! We get it! Boo! [Larry and Craig come to pick up the invisible box, and a rimshot plays as Kidferatu hisses again] [laughs]
Plankton: Ah [tries to handle the pie, but drops it again, causing an explosion, leaving only his bouncing eye]
Mrs. Puff: [onstage] And now, Camper Patrick. [leaves stage, crowd cheers]
Patrick: [dressed up with fake hair and mustache with a watermelon next to him] Uh-oh. [points to watermelon] I spy a moldy melon. Good thing I brought my [pulls out hammer] Smush-O-Smasher!
[The crowd cheers, and holds up umbrellas. Patrick then accidentally smashes his own head with the hammer.]
Patrick: Oof! [tries to hit watermelon again, but hits himself] Huh? [sees the laughing crowd] [hits himself with the hammer multiple times] Uh... [dizzy] I funny... [hits himself again, laughs]
Bubble Bass: It was funny, then it got lame. Then it went past lame and then got funny again.
Crowd: [as Patrick is dizzy from hitting himself] Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! [Patrick continues hitting himself with the hammer] Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
[Cut back to Plankton with another pie.]
Plankton: This triple crust will protect the pie and me from accidents. [ground shakes from the crowd chanting "Patrick," pie leaps out of Plankton's hands] Whoa, whoa! [pie explodes] But not from earthquakes. [sobs]
[Back at the comedy show, Patrick gets dizzy, and SpongeBob catches him. The hammer lands on both of their heads. Bubble transition to Sandy onstage with the microphone.]
Sandy: If y'all have ever paid three weeks allowance for a roll of toilet paper, y'all might be a Kamp Koral camper. [crowd laughs, making Plankton drop his pie again, which explodes]
Elwood: [on mic] Hey, guys. Did you ever notice how Mr. Krabs [walks like Mr. Krabs] walks? He literally has a crab walk?
Kidferatu: [plays rimshot, hisses]
Crowd: [laughs, making Plankton drop the explosive pie again]
Female camper: [on mic] Mr. Plankton's slop makes me [with disgusted face] yak. And who's he kidding with that [points] tip jar? [mockingly, with one eye open] I'm going to college. [rimshot plays] You're going to food jail! [Plankton drops explosive pie]
Male camper: [on mic] Two counselors walk into a bear... [crowd laughs, Plankton drops explosive pie]
Green camper: [on mic] A funny thing happened on the way to the outhouse. [crowd laughs, Plankton drops explosive pie]
Orange camper: [onstage, pours blue paint onto himself] I'm working blue tonight. [crowd laughs, Plankton drops explosive pie]
Purple camper: [on mic, pointing] This guy knows that I mean. [Plankton drops explosive pie again]
Plankton: That's it! No more Mr. Nice Pie! [stirring radioactive substance in jar] Karen, turn on the big oven!
[Cut back to the comedy show, where several anchovies are onstage.]
Anchovies: Meep, meep...
Harvey: [gets onstage, takes mic] Stop laughing! The Kraken will skin our hineys alive!
Anchovies: [pick up and carry Harvey offstage] Meep, meep...
Harvey: Beware the Kraken!
Plankton: [hops onto mic] I heard a good one. What do you call 50 screaming campers covered in hot pie filling?
Crowd: What?
Plankton: A good start! [laughs, presses button on remote]
[A giant hand raises up with the doomsday pie. The crowd gasps.]
Patrick: [hits himself with hammer, falls down] Oh...
Crowd: [cheering] Yay!
Upturn: [gasps] I am offended! [walks off, and sees the Kraken rise from the lake] Oh--oh, oh, oh, oh! [screams, leaving behind her teeth and wig]
[Everyone gasps. Harvey pulls out a hammer and knocks himself out with it.]
Kidferatu: [scared, plays rimshot]
Plankton: Karen, release the-- [yelling] what the kelp is [points] that?
Kraken: [roars]
Plankton: Forget the kampers, Karen! [points] Hit the monster! Eat it, fish face! [giant hand launches pie at the Kraken and hits it in the face] Yeah!
Kraken: [licks pie and eats it whole]
Plankton: What happened? Why didn't my doomsday pie explode?
Karen: [approaching] Actually, we ran out of plutonium an hour ago. So that was just a pie, pie.
Plankton: A pie, pie? [the Kraken grabs him in a chokehold] Pie...pie.
Kraken: [roars at crowd, which screams] [grows nose and loses evil demeaner, pokes Plankton] Testing, testing, Okay, I got one. Why did the whale cross the road?
Crowd: [off-screen] Why?
Kraken: [points right] To get to the other tide.
Kidferatu: [plays rimshot, hisses]
Crowd: [laughs]
Kraken: Seriously, what did my parents feed me, yellow cake? I'm like a skyscraper over here. [crowd laughs] And I am the runt of the litter. [adjusts tie] When I was a kid, my dad used to lose me in the couch cushions, with the Eiffel Tower. [crowd laughs] I was so tiny.
Crowd: How tiny were you?
Kraken: Well, I'll tell you, I was [pinches fingers] so tiny, [rubs belly] I only ate nine fishermen for breakfast. [crowd laughs] I'll tell you, I was tiny, so tiny I used a great white shark for a loofah. [laughter] I'll tell you, I was so tiny, when I was born, I gave the hospital stretch marks. [crowd laughs] That's my time, folks. You're okay. I'm out! [tosses Plankton away, who bounces away on impact]
Mrs. Puff: [laughing and crying, getting onstage] There's no contest, he's killing me. The winner of the Kamp Koral comedy badge is... [gestures to the Kraken] the Kraken! [crowd cheers]
Kraken: Hey, all right. You guys like me. You really like me.
Karen: [carrying wheelbarrow with barrel of plutonium] Surprise, Mr. Plankton. I got more plutonium!
Plankton: [still bouncing] Take my computer assistant, please! [runs into plutonium, causing an explosion] Ow! [groans, antenna on fire] That's why I hate comedy. It burns me up.
Kidferatu: [rimshot plays, hisses in front of Plankton, extinguishing fire]
[The camera irises out onto Plankton, and an end card appears.]
Mr. Krabs: [appears, shrugging] I don't get it.