Who's the Dummy Now?/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Who's the Dummy Now?" from season 3, which aired on August 6, 2024.

[The episode starts outside the No Strings Funeral Home on a rainy night. Thunder rumbles.]
Cecil: We are gathered here today [he is seen giving a eulogy and holding a monkey puppet] to mourn the loss of our dear friend Andy O'Good, whom we lost [a shot inside the coffin shows a hairpiece, eyeballs, a bowtie, and dust] to a tragic termite accident.
Bananas: [as Cecil voices him] O'Good? More like [bowtie spins, hat bounces] No Wood. [head spins] Wubbo, wubbo. Here comes trubbo.
Cecil: Well said, Bananas. Now, please join me as [raises a glass of water] we raise our glasses in remembrance of a dear friend.
[The other attendants and their dummies hold up glasses. Cecil starts drinking.]
Bananas: ♪ Oh, Dummy boy... ♪
Dummies: [as their owners drink water] ♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪
[The outside of the funeral home is seen. Fade to the outside of the Star house. Patrick is leaning over the phone chair, Squidina is drinking a juice box, and Bunny is reading a newspaper. Cecil comes in, with a coat over his hands.]
Bunny: How was your temp job tonight, dear?
Cecil: [tears up] We, um, [sniffs] knocked 'em dead.
[Cut to GrandPat playing a rimshot on a drum set.]
Bunny: I'm sure it was lovely, hon. Now, let me take your coat. [tries to take Cecil's coat]
Cecil: No, no, wait. You--you--uh.
[Bunny removes the coat to show Bananas. Its mouth open and its right eye droops.]
Squidina: [disturbed] Oh, you brought your work home.
Patrick: Creepy.
Bunny: [winces at Cecil and backs away]
Cecil: So I still have the puppet on me. I've tried and tried, but I can't get the dang thing off. [groaning, tries to remove his hand from it]
Bunny: Well, there is one thing you could do.
[Cut to Bananas being placed on a chopping block.]
Cecil: [raises an axe] Say goodbye to old lefty, kiddos.
Bananas: [raises hands] Wait a minute! I've heard of banana splits before, but this is ridiculous!
[Cut to GrandPat playing another rimshot.]
Patrick: Who are you?
Bananas: Bananas Foster. [salutes] Nice to meet ya. You folks always this hospitable? [another rimshot plays]
Patrick: I like him. He's funny.
Squidina: Yeah, Dad. Don't chop your hand off.
Bunny: He's a charmer!
GrandPat: [holding drumsticks] Well, at least he's keeping me busy.
Cecil: OK, but I've got a different job tomorrow.
Bananas: Well, then, looks like we're carpooling.
[Fade to the outside of the house the next night. Cecil comes home with Bananas still on his hand.]
Cecil: Honey, I'm home--
Bananas: [takes out a pie and shoves it in Cecil's face] Honey, I'm home!
Squidina: [peeks out from the hallway] Dad's back!
Patrick: [stands up] And Bananas!
Cecil: [wipes pie off his face with a cloth]
Bunny: Welcome home, hon. How was your day?
Cecil: Um, well-- [raises Bananas]
Bananas: Well, they made me the boss. So now I'm top banana. [to Cecil] Oh, and I almost forgot. I got a raise!
[Bananas takes out a giant bag of money and puts it on the other Stars. It explodes and gold pours out the Star house. Pan to Granny Tentacles leaning out her window, shaking her fist.]
Granny Tentacles: Keep it down! It's 6:00 PM, and I'm trying to sleep! [shuts window]
[Patrick comes out of the gold wearing a crown, with jewels in his eyes and teeth.]
Patrick: Gee, Bananas, [shakes the jewels out] we're loaded.
Squidina: [comes out wearing a top hat and holding two bags of money] Just what I always wanted-- money!
[GrandPat is relaxing with sunglasses and a gold tooth and Bunny is wearing a pearl necklace while standing on a yacht.]
Bunny: What about you, dear? How was your day at work?
GrandPat: [lowers shades] Yeah, you got anything good for us?
Cecil: [nervously] Well, truth be told, I--
Bananas: [pops in front of the screen] He got demoted. And now he's my assistant, or my second banana. [laughs]
GrandPat: [laughs]
Bunny: Oh, Bananas, you're so funny! [laughing]
Patrick and Squidina: [laughing]
Bananas: [laughing]
Cecil: [nervous laugh] Oh.
[Fade to Cecil sitting outside the bathroom door, wearing his night clothes. The toilet flushes and Bananas opens the door.]
Bananas: You're out of shaving cream.
[Cecil looks inside to see the sink covered in wooden splinters and shaving cream. Fade to Cecil snoring and sleeping on the floor, with Bananas in his bed. Bananas shifts his eyes and then narrows them. In the morning, a very tired Cecil walks into the kitchen.]
Cecil: [yawn] Boy, I hardly slept a wink last night. Oh! [sees a spread of breakfast food on the table] Look at that amazing breakfast. [the family blinks at him, looks around] Um, what's wrong?
[The family members all pull up their own puppets that resemble Bananas. Dramatic close-ups are seen of each.]
Bananas: Nothing's wrong, Cecil. In fact, it couldn't be more right! [to camera] Good morning, family.
Foster family: [to camera] Good morning, Bananas! / Good morning, Dad!
Bananas: I was having such a [spins body and shakes legs] swell time, I thought I'd invite the rest of the Fosters! Let me introduce you. [pulls Cecil and goes to Squidina's dummy] My lovely daughter, Dolly. [kisses her] Mwah.
Dolly: [laughs]
Squidina: [looks in discomfort towards Dolly]
Bananas: [gestures to GrandPat's dummy] That there's Oldie.
Oldie: Eh!
Bananas: [gestures to Bunny's dummy] My wife, Honey.
Honey: Oh! [giggles]
Bananas: [goes to Patrick's dummy] And my son, Sonny. Howdy, son. You know, you're the spitting image of me as a boy.
Sonny: [spins] Duh, I'm a chip off the old block. [to camera] Wood block, that is!
Sonny and Bananas: [laughter]
[Cecil sits down at the table.]
Bananas: That boy of mine, he is something.
Bunny: They just appeared on our hands this morning.
Bananas: Enough with the introductions. Let's eat!
[The dummies go towards the food, creating a giant dust cloud.]
Cecil: I didn't know puppets ate breakfast.
Squidina: Ooh...
Patrick: Uh...
Bananas: Well, I'm stuffed. Now, who's up for some [shakes] family fun?
[Cut to the Star van driving. The family is all there, still holding their puppets.]
Foster family: Family fun, family fun, family fun!
[A tennis racket and birdies transitions to the Stars at a tennis court.]
GrandPat: [moves, panting]
Oldie: [serves birdie]
Bananas: I got it! I got it! [grunts and hits birdie]
Patrick: [blabbering and running]
Sonny: Here it comes!
Patrick: [falls on his face]
Sonny: [hits birdie]
Bunny: [being dragged across the ground by Honey] My goodness!
Honey: [hits birdie] Uh!
Dolly: [holding a camera and being held by a disinterested Squidina] Nice going, Mom!
Patrick: [birdie flies into his mouth, starts choking]
Sonny: [hits Patrick on the back with his racket]
Patrick: [spits out birdie]
Granny Tentacles: Didn't think the Star family could get any stupider.
Cecil: [stumbling as Bananas leads him away] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Bananas hits Cecil with the racket, making him dizzy, then hits the birdie. GrandPat is asleep.]
GrandPat: [snoring]
Oldie: [tries to reach the birdie, cannot go far enough] Closer, you old geezer! [barely misses birdie, throws racket] Dagnabbit.
[Bananas and Honey move up and down.]
Honey: Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
Bananas: High five, Honey!
Honey: [high fives him] Yeah!
[Scene transition to the Fosters riding in the van.]
Honey: Ooh, what a relaxing country drive.
Bananas: Yeah.
[The Stars are running beneath the van, grunting. Cut to Sonny interviewing Rube, who has a sock puppet on.]
Sonny: Uh, thanks for coming to the show, Socky. So how long have you been a sock puppet?
[Patrick is under the table, yawning. Dolly adjusts some of the show's controls as Squidina sits on the floor, tired.]
Socky: I guess I've always been a sock puppet. I can't really remember a day when I wasn't.
[Dolly drinks some coffee. Bunny is seen, tired, while Honey vacuums. Cecil controls Bananas as he mows the lawn. Oldie washes his back in the bathtub.]
GrandPat: [comes out of the tub, gasps]
Oldie: Do you mind? [hits him, keeps washing himself]
[The Stars are seen, looking miserable. The Fosters appear in front of them, laughing. The camera zooms into Bananas' mouth as he laughs.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Twelve years later...
[Cut to the Star house. The dummies are eating dinner while the family is still tired.]
Patrick: Mom, can we eat now? It's been 12 years, and I'm hungry.
Bunny: [shakes head] Oh, no, sweetie. There's only enough food for our guests.
Patrick: Ohh...
Cecil: Huh? [reaches into his pocket, takes out his keys, and drops them] Oops. [staged] Silly me! I accidentally dropped my keys under the table. Star family, would you mind giving me a hand [points down] down there?
[Bunny and GrandPat go down. Patrick and Squidina look at each other, then go down.]
Patrick: [picks up keys] Oh! Dad, I found the keys you accidentally dropped.
Cecil: Thanks, son, but there's something you should know. I dropped those keys on purpose.
Patrick: What!?
Cecil: I needed an excuse to speak to you all privately.
Bunny: [gasps]
GrandPat: Why, you lying key dropper!
Cecil: Now, look, it's been 12 years. We can't go on living like this any longer. Today's the day. We must find a way to remove our left hands from the stranglehold of these silly simian ventriloquist dummies. [rubs chin] But how?
Daddy Dartfish: [pushes himself away from a table with his family] Well, perhaps I could be of some assistance.
Cecil: Daddy Dartfish?
Daddy Dartfish: Oh, please. Daddy Dartfish [walks onto Cecil's hand] is my father's name. Call me Chuck. So, dummy problems, huh?
Cecil: Yeah. We can't get our hands free.
Daddy Dartfish: What do you say I shimmy on up there and have a look-see?
Cecil: [happy] Yeah, that'd be great! [gets up to the table] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Other Stars: [get up] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Daddy Dartfish: [walks up to Cecil's leg with a pickaxe and mining helmet] And up I go. [sticks his pickaxe into Cecil's leg]
Cecil: [pained] Oh! Pardon me. I--[pained] oh!
Daddy Dartfish: [sticks his pickaxe in again]
Cecil: [pained noise]
Bananas: Do you mind? [gets in his face] We're trying to have a quiet family dinner here!
Cecil: S-S-Sorry, Mr. Foster.
Bananas: All righty, then. [keeps eating, angry]
Daddy Dartfish: [picks Cecil's leg again]
Cecil: [stifled, pained noises, sees Daddy Dartfish on his arm]
Daddy Dartfish: [winks and clicks tongue, climbs up Cecil's arm]
Bananas: Put me down, you dummy!
Cecil: [nervous laugh] Sorry.
[Bananas starts drinking water. Daddy Dartfish is on Cecil's hand, looking at the inside of Bananas.]
Daddy Dartfish: Interesting. Is that mahogany? [rubs Bananas' interior]
Bananas: [spits water on Bunny]
Bunny: Oh!
Bananas: [laughing, Daddy Dartfish rubs the pickaxe against him] That tickles. That--that--that tickles! [moves Cecil across the table]
Cecil: Whoa!
Bananas: That tickles!
[Cecil is dragged through the room, knocking things over.]
Honey: [as Bunny is dragged in] Bananas, what's happening?
Bananas: [laughing]
Cecil: [screaming]
Daddy Dartfish: [keeps tickling Bananas with the pickaxe]
Bananas: [laughs]
[Cecil gets dragged out of the window, silhouetting against the sun. He yells and falls to the ground. The family come out, still holding their dummies, clamoring and worried about Cecil.]
GrandPat: Cecil, are you OK?
Squidina: Dad!
Squidina and Patrick: Dad! Are you OK?
[Cecil and Bananas are passed out. Daddy Dartfish walks out of Bananas.]
Daddy Dartfish: Well, sir, I figured out the problem.
Cecil: [wakes up] Huh?
Daddy Dartfish: All you got to do is unclench your hands.
Cecil: Oh. [unclenches his hand and slides it out of Bananas]
Bananas: Nooooo! [faints]
Cecil: [rotates hand] Jeez, I should have tried that years ago.
[The other family members look at their dummies and let go.]
Other Fosters: Nooooo! [fall to the ground]
Cecil: We're a normal family again! [hugs Bunny]
Bunny: Aww!
Squidina: So what now? I mean, shouldn't we find Bananas' family a new home?
Cecil: Absolutely, sweetheart. And I know the perfect place.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] The next morning...
[Granny Tentacles is sleeping, and gets woken up by the sun shining through her window. Bananas comes out of her bed.]
Bananas: Rise and shine, you old bag.
Granny Tentacles: What the!?
Bananas: [throws off the blanket to show his family members on her tentacles] Ta da!
Foster family: Good morning!
[Cut to an exterior shot of Granny Tentacles' house at sunrise.]
Granny Tentacles: [screaming, off-screen]