Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "We ♥ Hoops" from season 14, which aired on November 21, 2023.

  • [The episode opens with a shot of SpongeBob's house. A show called "The Kelpbed Kids" is on his TV.]
  • Announcer: And now back to "The Kelpbed Kids."
  • SpongeBob: "The Kelpbed Kids" are [his head jumps off his pants] hilarious! High four!
  • [He high-fives Patrick, but they miss and hit each other's foreheads. They laugh. On the show, a kid named Ajax is laughing, and they sit on TV to watch.]
  • Ajax: [cackling]
  • SpongeBob: Wonder why it's in black and white.
  • Patrick: It's a [makes OK hand sign] "artistical" choice.
  • [On TV, Ajax has tied up the Kelpbed Kids in a clubhouse.]
  • Ajax: All right, Kelpbed Kids. Youse gonna spill the [pokes Puffy's mouth] beans about where you hide [makes grabby hand motions] all your candy [points to ground] in this here clubhouse or else!
  • Snappy: Nuts to you, Ajax!
  • Puffy: We'll never tell you that it's in the cabinet!
  • Other Kelpbed Kids: [groaning]
  • Puffy: Oh. Sorry, gang.
  • Other Kelpbed Kids: [grumbling]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, don't the Kelpbed Kids kinda look like people we know?
  • [Patrick's right pupil falls. He picks it off his eyeball with his finger.]
  • Patrick: I don't know any people we know. [spits on pupil, wipes it with a cloth, and sticks it back] Hmm. Eee!
  • Ajax: Oh-ho-ho-ho. The cabinet, you say. Aha!
  • [He opens the cabinet to find Hoops has already eaten the bag of candy.]
  • Other Kelpbed Kids and Ajax: Hoops?
  • Hoops: [belches] Hiya, Ajax.
  • Ajax: [grabs bag and shakes it] It's empty. [throws it, cracks fingers] I'm gonna give everyone here and their old man a knuckle [pounds fists] sandwich.
  • GrandPat: Oh boy! With cheese?
  • Ajax: [puts cheese slice on his fist, threateningly] With cheese.
  • [GrandPat bites the cheese.]
  • Hoops: Oh, no you don't, you dizzy ding dong! [throws hoop] Hwah!
  • Ajax: [looks at hoop] Huh? Whuh?
  • [The hoop lands around Ajax and stops spinning.]
  • Ajax: [laughs]
  • [Hoops presses a button on a remote, tightening the hoop around Ajax's body. He struggles to get out.]
  • Ajax: Hey, what gives? Let me go! [falls on his back]
  • Hoops: You just got hooped! [takes out scissors and cuts the Kelpbed Kids free]
  • Other Kelpbed Kids: [cheering] Hoops, Hoops, Hoops, Hoops!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [cheering] Hoops, Hoops, Hoops, Hoops!
  • SpongeBob: That settles it. Hoops is our favorite Kelpbed Kid. Let's get out our official Hoops hoops [points backwards] that I bought on SeaBay.
  • Patrick: [takes out red hoop from his pants, shakes it to show a blue one as well] Way ahead of ya, pally.
  • [Patrick gives SpongeBob the red hoop. He puts it around his body.]
  • Patrick: Hey, mine shrunk! [the hoop is too tight for him]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, no, Patrick. It's adjustable. [presses a button to make his hoop square] Who says a hoop has to be round? [spins it]
  • Patrick: Oh, yeah. There's a relaxed-fit button. [presses it to expand the hoop] Ah.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick spin their hoops. Patrick's goes around on his eyes.]
  • Patrick: Someone wrote all over my hula hoop.
  • [SpongeBob goes in to see. The text "Hoops, 17 Main St., Bikini Bottom, 10776" is written on it.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, there's an address printed on here! [checks his own hoop] And it's in Bikini Bottom! [grabs Patrick] [backs up] Do you think it's where Hoops lives? Could we? [smiling] Should we?
  • Patrick: [points] Ring his doorbell and run away?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Patrick: [holds up live-action toilet paper] Toilet-paper his house?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Patrick: [holding up live-action coffee cup] Switch out his regular for decaf?
  • SpongeBob: No. We can meet him!
  • Patrick: Gotcha. We can meet him, [takes out toilet paper] then toilet-paper his house. He's gonna need it after the coffee. [toilet flushing]
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob reading a map and walking on the street with Patrick.]
  • SpongeBob: This is it-- where Hoops lives!
  • [They see a dirty-looking house.]
  • Patrick: It's a palace!
  • [SpongeBob walks to the front door to knock. He gets nervous and tugs his collar. He tries to knock, and his hand gulps.]
  • SpongeBob: [quietly] I'm too nervous to knock. We don't really know him. What if he's one of those suffering artist types? Who are into witchcraft?
  • Patrick: Or what if he's a cannibal and wants to eat us?
  • SpongeBob: [grabs Patrick] What if he's a cannibal and doesn't want to eat us?
  • Patrick: [grabs SpongeBob] We couldn't live with the shame!
  • [The doorknob starts rattling.]
  • Patrick: Oh, shh!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Run!
  • [They hide at the side of the house. The door opens and Old Man Walker comes out.]
  • SpongeBob: Old Man Walker? What's he doing in Hoops' house? [checks map] Maybe we got the wrong house.
  • Old Man Walker: [closes mailbox, sadly] Ohh.
  • SpongeBob: Oh. He's sad that he got no mail.
  • Patrick: [chewing mail] That's 'cause I got it.
  • SpongeBob: [takes letter out of Patrick's mouth] It's addressed to Hoops. [puts it back] This is the right place. [runs to the window] Whoa! [shot of inside the house] The whole house is filled with "Kelpbed Kid" stuff.
  • Patrick: [in the house, wearing Hoops' propeller cap] It's just like being in the show! Come on in!
  • SpongeBob: [appears behind Patrick] Don't mind if I do.
  • [A green hoop gets thrown and traps them both.]
  • Patrick: What's happening?
  • [Thunderous footsteps are heard. SpongeBob and Patrick shiver. Old Man Walker's tennis ball walker is shown approaching. He snarls and turns on the lights.]
  • Patrick: [gasps] Is that Hoops?
  • SpongeBob: Uh, no. It's Old Man Walker again. Remember? [points] From the mailbox?
  • Patrick: [spits out letter] Oh, yeah.
  • Old Man Walker: Hooligans! Swindlers! [swings walker] Letter looters!
  • SpongeBob: [crying] Oh, we didn't mean any harm! We just wanted to meet Hoops! We're fans!
  • Patrick: [shouting] We love Hoops!
  • Old Man Walker: Huh? Hoops? [puts walker down] Why didn't you say so? [approaches, presses a button to loosen the green hoop] I'm Hoops!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing]
  • Patrick: Okay, old man.
  • SpongeBob: Uh, I hate to break it to you, [gesturing] but Hoops is a little kid.
  • Old Man Walker: Yup, I was Hoops when I was a little kid, [waves hand] many years ago.
  • Patrick: [leans in his face] You're telling me there have been many years? I don't believe it.
  • Old Man Walker: [sadly] Yes, it was in the past.
  • SpongeBob: I think you're trying to [snaps fingers] "past" one over on us. [rimshot]
  • Patrick: "Past" one over. [laughing, high fives SpongeBob] I don't get it.
  • Old Man Walker: Huh? What are you, a couple of dizzy ding dongs?
  • SpongeBob: Hey, he said Hoops' catchphrase. [makes "cuckoo" hand symbol] "Ya dizzy ding dongs." [blinks, duck quacks]
  • [A split-screen shows Hoops and Old Man Walker side-by-side.]
  • Hoops: Ya dizzy ding dongs! [split-screen closes]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [gasp]
  • SpongeBob: [squeeing, shrinks then grows] Patrick, Old Man Walker is Hoops! He just kinda... sorta... decayed. [cringes, finger droops]
  • [A gross close-up of Old Man Walker's face is shown. The right part of his mouth falls off.]
  • Patrick: [gasps] Hoops! We love you! [hugs Old Man Walker]
  • Old Man Walker: Oh! [shouts] You're breaking my bones!
  • Patrick: [puts him down with a bent spine] Hey, he's got a new catchphrase!
  • [Old Man Walker straightens his back. Metallic clanking is heard outside the house, to everyone's surprise.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Huh?
  • SpongeBob: What was that?
  • Old Man Walker: [grabs chest, heart beats] Was that my heart?
  • SpongeBob: Uh, no, it was [points] outside.
  • Old Man Walker: Huh? [panicking] My heart's outside? Oh, not again.
  • [They step outside, where the house is being egged by Ajax riding a tank.]
  • Ajax: [laughing]
  • Old Man Walker: [gets hit by an egg] Aah!
  • SpongeBob: [gets hit by an egg] Yow!
  • Patrick: [gets hit by an egg] Yum! [runs around and catches the eggs in his mouth]
  • Old Man Walker: [wipes eggs off his face] Dagnabbit, it's that ruffian, Ajax Magee!
  • SpongeBob: Ajax? [points] Isn't he the mean kid in the Kelpbed Kids show?
  • [A split-screen shows kid Ajax and older Ajax side-by-side.]
  • Old Man Walker: He was. Now he's the mean adult at Shady Shoals Retirement Home. [chicken clucks, gets hit by an egg] Oh!
  • Ajax: That's what you get for being a [points] Kelpbed Kid, [leans forward] Hoops the Poops! [cackles, drives off]
  • Patrick: [swallows an egg, laughs] Hoops the Poops. Classic.
  • [Old Man Walker takes an egg off his head.]
  • Patrick: Hey, I just had an idea. Revenge! [rubs hands together] Let's get back at Ajax, like in one of your episodes.
  • Old Man Walker: Huh, episodes? [sadly] Yeah, at my age, I have a lot of episodes. [turning around] Who wants pudding?
  • Patrick: I do!
  • SpongeBob: Hold that pudding. We can build our own tank, and we'll gather material "The Kelpbed Kids" way.
  • Old Man Walker: Eh, the what bed who--wait, what?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing] Classic Hoops!
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick leaving with the tires off Larry's car. Larry comes by with groceries and his jaw drops. Old Man Walker is spinning around in one of the tires and gets knocked around. Next, they go to a construction site. A crane suddenly stops and sparks.]
  • Construction worker: Hmm? Huh?
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are pushing the crane's treads with Old Man Walker stuck in the middle of them.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing]
  • [SpongeBob uses a screwdriver to take the screws off a house. The panels fall off and a fish is seen using the toilet on the top floor.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Aah! [they drag a piece of metal with Old Man Walker on it]
  • Fish on toilet: Hmm? [puts down newspaper and looks, then shrugs and keeps reading]
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick drag away the bridge to Shell City. A tricycle parade of kids falls into the chasm.]
  • Kids: [shouting]
  • [Bubble transition to the outside of SpongeBob's garage. Construction noises are heard. A tank with a variety of odd instruments, labeled the Meanie Mangler, bursts through the garage door.]
  • SpongeBob: We're coming for you, Ajax Magee!
  • Old Man Walker: Say hello to my Meanie Mangler!
  • [Gary is on a treadmill inside the car. Patrick looks through a periscope. SpongeBob has a manual and is checking some levers. They arrive at Shady Shoals, and SpongeBob pops out of the tank.]
  • SpongeBob: Here we are, Hoops. [frames sign with his hands] Shady Shoals. Now call out for Ajax.
  • Old Man Walker: Eh? Huh? Who am I calling?
  • SpongeBob: [gives him a megaphone] Talk into this.
  • Old Man Walker: [into megaphone] Hello, operator? This is Barracuda 4117. [scratches back] Is my prescription ready yet?
  • Ajax: [comes out of Shady Shoals on his tank] 23 Skiddoo! [points] Hey, where did you get that pile of junk? Never mind, I don't care! [shoots eggs] Have some eggs!
  • SpongeBob: Prepare cannon! Fire! [shoots toast]
  • [Ajax, confused, gets covered in toast. A piece hits him on the head.]
  • SpongeBob: [to Patrick] Uh, [points] you loaded the cannon with toast?
  • Patrick: [shrugs] I always have toast with eggs.
  • SpongeBob: [gets a deadpan expression, falls into the tank and pulls a lever] Deploying salt lick!
  • [A saltshaker on a hand and a fan blow salt towards Ajax, covering him in salt.]
  • SpongeBob: [presses buttons then pulls lever] Engaging sea cow!
  • Sea cow: [gets fired out of cannon, moos and licks Ajax]
  • Ajax: Eugh. Ooh. Ew. Ugh. Your tongue is so rough!
  • [The cannon bumps into the cow, and it runs off.]
  • Ajax: Hmm?
  • [Ajax fires an egg into the barrel. It bounces through and hits Gary in the face, agitating him. He growls and the Meanie Mangler drives faster. It drives into the toast and shoots some towards Ajax with its wheels. The toast hits Ajax, then launches into his mouth and he swallows it. The Meanie Mangler spins out of control and Ajax gets caught in it.]
  • Old Man Walker: [with toast in his face] Whoa, whoa! Aah! Everything smells like toast!
  • Ajax: Hey! Stop it!
  • [The tanks spin throughout town, knocking over buildings and causing them to get rearranged. The fish on the toilet falls. A woman screams and kicks him out of the house. The tanks bounce through houses with pinball sound effects. They fall down the chasm, where the kids are cycling around Old Man Walker's house. The tank crashes into the house, exploding and injuring the kids. SpongeBob and Patrick, bandaged, are being held in hoops by Old Man Walker, who is floating with a propeller.]
  • SpongeBob: Look, there goes Ajax!
  • Ajax: [rolling away] I'll get youse next time!
  • Old Man Walker: Say my name! I'm Hoops the Poops!
  • Patrick: Classic.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Best "Kelpbed Kids" adventure ever!
  • [The screen zooms out to show the scene on SpongeBob's TV as the coloring goes grayscale.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: High four! [try to high five, miss, and laugh, then scream as Old Man Walker drops them]
  • Old Man Walker: Oops! [worried] Uh... Just call me Hoops the Oops. [nervous laugh]
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