Apocalypse ESB Episode 2: Escaping the Barrel

Credit goes to Cmcgrath26 for making this!

StM8 MINDS: Last time on Apocalypse ESB, a robot got annoyed by a former monster, a bus got turned into a plane, the contestants skydived down to Apocalypse Island, 10 miles off the coast of San Diego, to participate in a game show. Thank you Mavnol333 for giving me the idea. Everyone was surprised to see how nice I was, except for 9/17. I apologize for the incident. Also Mavnol333 was surprised to see that I ‘’recognized’’ him from somewhere. We’ll get into that later. Anywhoosies, this next episode is going to rock! Set your sails over to Apocalypse ESB: Escaping the Barrel!
[“When Worlds Collide” plays]

[Everyone’s still dancing when it turns to midnight]
StM8 MINDS: Oh, yeah. Alright everybody, I don’t want you to get exhausted for tomorrow’s challenge. Thankfully your parachutes double as sleeping bags. Get some rest, and I’ll see ya tomorrow.
Doctor Patrick: Hey, StM8?
StM8 MINDS: Yes?
Doctor Patrick: Can I go make breakfast for the gang?
StM8 MINDS: How thoughtful of you. Just make sure you can rest well enough for tomorrow.
Doctor Patrick: Got it. [closes door]
StM8 MINDS: Hey, Mavnol, can I see you for just a minute?
Mavnol333: OK. [walks out of the room with StM8]
StM8 MINDS: OK, so I told you earlier that you looked familiar to me, remember that?
Mavnol333: Oh, of course. That wouldn’t get out of my head.
StM8 MINDS: Well, I found out exactly who you are!
Mavnol333 [in the confessional]: At that point, I thought about those people in the 19th century who got hung for their crimes.
StM8 MINDS: You...are…
Mavnol333: *sweats*
StM8 MINDS: ...the host of ESB Underwater! My favorite show!
Mavnol333: Oh, yeah! Haha, I rocked back then, didn’t I?
StM8 MINDS: Yes you did! You are the reason why you’re here! Apocalypse ESB couldn’t have started without you!
Mavnol333: Yes, hehe.
Mavnol333 [in the confessional]: For some reason, I cannot remember torturing anybody to the point where they would wet their pants. SpongeTron even could take it on the bus ride here. All I remember from ESB Underwater was serving them Kraft’s Mav and Cheesenol every morning for breakfast. It was the best thing they ever tasted, they said.
StM8 MINDS: Alright. Head over to bed, dude.
Mavnol333: OK. [leaves the room]
StM8 MINDS: Okaay. Back to work. [whistles as he walks over to his office and finds a man there] Oh, hey boss. What brings yo- [mouth gets shut by the boss]
Boss: What are you doing out there?
StM8 MINDS: Keeping them in with self-choice! Self-choice!Self-choice! [“Self choice!” continues to echo in the boss’ mind, making him crack]
Boss: How dare you say number 11 in this establishment! This can’t work if that is what you’re doing! I have done the math, and apparently, the more stress that someone has due to the carelessness of a host, the more likely spectators would want more and send green paper over here.
StM8 MINDS: What does that mean?
Boss: It means that as my in—er, slave, you should be giving them as much torture as possible, so that I make money! I’ll give you eighteen more chances to prove yourself worthy, otherwise I’ll have no choice but to cut your rear end off and mount it over my fireplace! Now get to work!
StM8 MINDS: Yes, sir.
StM8 MINDS [in the confessional]: He’s so lucky that my sulfur vision is useless now.
[Transition to Doctor Patrick outside cooking. He is seen resting some pancakes on his body and putting them back on the griddle. His watch beeps 3:00 AM, then dies after a second.]
Doctor Patrick: Ugh, I need to draw a new battery for this! ‘’[draws a new battery, then finds out it’s 3 AM.]’’ Oh, boy! 3 AM! [pulls out a Krabby Patty and eats it in one bite] Ah, that’s a relief. ’’[suddenly, he hears a boat from a mile away]’’ Oh [CENSOR NOISE]! These have been long overcooked! [picks them up and runs over to a trash can] Ow, ow, owowow! [Throws them in the trash can] Ah, they’ll be fine here for the morning. [looks at the hotel] Ah, if only StM8 would add 351 floors to this masterpiece. [walks along and spots a piece of paper on the floor that shows a patty in the light with the words "The Night Patty" in front] Huh, wonder who this is. Hello, mister, uh, The Night Patty! How do you do?
[silence]
Doctor Patrick: That's okay. Take your time.

Doctor Patrick: Uh, hello?
[suddenly, there is a call made by a group of females, and the paper gets sucked into a giant vacuum into the sky]
Doctor Patrick: Hey! Wait up! Where are you going? [gets sucked up into the vacuum as well, and it suddenly becomes silent]
[Transition to the morning]
SpongeTron D: It is 7:00 AM. Engaging awake mode. Ah, good morning world and all who inhabit it!
BSpongeSM02: ’’[stretches]’’ Ah. That’s nice.
Robski10: Hello!
BSpongeSM02: Gah! Would you get out of here?
Robski10: I can’t! Apparently sleeping in the same bag as you was a problem, because we are stuck in here!
BSpongeSM02 [in the confessional]: Apparently this guy needs to be taught a lesson on affection, because he is taking this way too far.
Cmcgrath26: Hey! Where’s Unnamed Rat? Oh, maybe she was too sad about what happened yesterday with “Sally.”
Voice from on top of him: Hello.
Cmcgrath26: Whoa! Where’d you come from?
Unnamed Rat: I was eating some Kit Rat when I noticed you woke up.
Cmcgrath26: I thought I told you to stay away from sweets!
Unnamed Rat: Sorry. I just can’t help myself! Now to find some Doratos. [runs away]
Cmcgrath26: Ugh.
9/17: Hopefully I’ll get some respect on this show. I seem to be the only one who doesn’t like StM8.
YOIMKYLE: YOIMKYLE!
9/17: Yet again, I will get some comeuppance every now and then, even when I don’t have a shovel in hand.
Egor Vasylets: Ah, nice to see someone with bad opinions.
Lorireviewer832: I’d give that sentence a 1/10.
Egor Vasylets: No you don’t.
Lorireviewer832: Oh YEAH?! Come here, mister!
Louis219: Whoa, whoa. Let’s not get nasty over here. It could ruin your chance at winning the show!
Lorireviewer832 and Egor Vasylets: OK fine.
Dededeletethis: Good morning, everyone! Time to picture my booty up in 3D! Oh yeah!
Louis219 [in the confessional]: Please tell me that Dedede is Sharko in disguise.
Mobizen4: [speaks gibberish]
Mobizen4’s translator: Good morning everyone! I took the liberty of installing a translator to my chest which makes me translate gibberish to English. Now I can speak gibberish anytime!
ExcitedGreenPig6: Oh, boy! A translator! [tries to rip it off of Mobizen4]
Mobizen4’s translator: GAH! Help me! I don’t deserve to die like Vision!
[Then, ExcitedGreenPig6 gets pulled back by ItzSpongeBob 1999, SpongeFan199, and JM SB FAN]
Mobizen4’s translator: Oh, god. That was awful! Thanks everyone!
ItzSpongeBob 1999, SpongeFan199, and JM SB FAN: No problem! It sure does us good to work together as a trio. High five!
Peachy4872: Ever since I retired from ESB, I have been feeling somewhat down. Sometimes I feel glad, though. Hopefully the glory of the world will help me through this game show!
0fflinejoe: My poop is big.
Peachy4872: Why is nothing glorious here?
MagicSponge123: Check this out! The date is...June 10. Crap, I am one day too late. Hey, I can turn this wand into a bouquet of flowers! FLORES MAGNORES! [turns into a bouquet of dead flowers] Oh [CENSOR NOISE]!
CartoonGuy277: Hey, I can make a better magic trick than that! OK, let’s see, uh...oh, here it is! [holds out a book called BOOK OF THE FILIETED] *clears throat* Youthum Ignorami, Elderus Respecticus! [from the book exits CartoonGuy277’s ancestors, one after another]
Everyone Else: Whoa!
CartoonGuy277: And now, Sucitcepser Suredle, Imarongi Muhtuoy! [All of CartoonGuy277’s ancestors re-enter the book. The audience cheers and claps]
MagicSponge123: Alright! Back to the show!
AwkwardShota-kun237: You stink! [throws a tomato at MagicSponge123]
MagicSponge123: GAH! You ruined my suit! I got this on Tuesday!
[the crowd continues to throw tomatoes at MagicSponge123]
MagicSponge123: I gotta get out of here! [runs out of the lobby] Phew! [notices that the room he entered is full of tomatoes, which are rolling towards him due to the impact of him closing the door] Uh oh. [From outside the room, MagicSponge123’s shriek of terror can be heard]
StM8 MINDS [on the loudspeaker]: Hurry up and get out of there MagicSponge! Our challenge starts in 20 minutes! Special announcements start in five! Chop chop!
MagicSponge123: [opens door] GET ME OUT OF HERE!

StM8 MINDS: OK, so now that you’re all here, it’s time for special announcements! First off, I would like to announce that the winner of the contest gets a BILLION dollars!
SpongeTron D [in the confessional]: At least he isn’t torturing us. I’m in!
StM8 MINDS: Also, I would like to split the 28 of you into teams. Please welcome the Powerful Pirates and the Ruthless Raiders! If I call your name, you will be a Powerful Pirate. SpongeTron D, Cmcgrath26, Mavnol333...
SpongeTron D [in the confessional]: Of course I am with that son of a [CENSOR NOISE].
StM8 MINDS: ...Louis219, YOIMKYLE…
Louis219 [in the confessional]: Yikes. I’m with the guy who can’t speak a full sentence. Well, neither could I when I was in the Navy with Cmc…

Captain Scarfish: Arrgh! Louis-er, what touch ye eyes?
Louis219: [checks his telescope and spots an iceberg] Arrgh, cap, arrgh, tain, arrgh, we’re, arrgh, about, arrgh, to, arrgh, hit-
Captain Scarfish: Shiver me timbers! Spit it out, lad!
Cmcgrath26: I, arrgh, think, arrgh, he’s trying, arrgh, to say- [ship crashes] land.
Captain Scarfish: RRGH!

Louis219 [in the confessional]: Ah, those were the days. But still, I don’t want to lose the challenge just because ol’ Pikachu over here can’t speak properly.
StM8 MINDS: ...Lorireviewer832, CartoonGuy277, Doctor Patrick, Robski10…
Lorireviewer832 [in the confessional]: I’ll give cranky and cheery a -1/10.
StM8 MINDS: ...Binturong7, BSpongeSM02…
BSpongeSM02 [in the confessional]: Of course I am with Robski. Why must my life be like this?
Robski10 [in the confessional]: I can’t believe it! I’m with BSponge! This is the greatest day of my life!
StM8 MINDS: ...ItzSpongeBob 1999, SpongeFan199…
ItzSpongeBob 1999 [in the confessional]: Yes! The legion is half complete!
SpongeFan199 [in the confessional]: We just need JM SB FAN!
StM8 MINDS: ...and Jamie070912! You all are the Powerful Pirates!
JM SB FAN [in the confessional]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ItzSpongeBob 1999: Don’t worry, JM SB FAN!
SpongeFan199: We’ll remember you in therapy!
StM8 MINDS: Anyway, the Ruthless Raiders are 9/17, ExcitedGreenPig6, Dededeletethis…
9/17 [in the confessional]: I’m with the cheerleader AND the music enthusiast?! Man, this is seriously wrong.
StM8 MINDS: ...Premoviebestseasonsever, GoldenSpongebob, Egor Vasylets…
Egor Vasylets [in the confessional]: GoldenSpongebob seems like a normal human being, but Premoviebestseasonsever kept annoying StM8 with his references. I’m not excited to work with him.
StM8 MINDS: ...MagicSponge123, 0fflinejoe…
0fflinejoe [in the confessional]: Yay im with magicman
StM8 MINDS: ...Thesciol…
Thelxinoe [in the confessional]: Thelxinoe.
StM8 MINDS: ...JM SB FAN, Peachy4872…
Peachy4872: Of course Mr. Noglory is on my team.
StM8 MINDS: ...AwkwardShota-kun237, XxGustavXx, and Mobizen4!
AwkwardShota-kun237: Being with the two gibberish-speakers? That’s awkward. Awkward, hehe.
StM8 MINDS: OK. Now, let’s take attendance.

StM8 MINDS: 25, 26, 27. Wait, we’re missing somebody!
SpongeTron D: Wait! Where’s Doc?
StM8 MINDS: Oh, he’s probably nervous to come out. Oh well. I’ll be ready in five minutes for the challenge. Have fun! [enters the hotel]
Jamie070912: Heh. What could possibly go wrong in 5 minutes?
Unnamed Rat: Hey man, I found some ink lemonade on the ground.
Cmcgrath26: No! Hey, what’s ink lemonade?
BSpongeSM02: Yeah, what is that?
Unnamed Rat: Check it out! [reveals a piece of paper that says “Ink Lemonade”]
Cmcgrath26: Huh. It’s just a piece of paper.
BSpongeSM02: Not a fan of the artwork, though.
[Suddenly, a group of women sing, and a fog arises. A vacuum appears in the sky and sucks the paper, as well as Unnamed Rat, Cmcgrath26, and BSpongeSM02, who all scream in horror]
Robski10: Don’t worry, BSponge! I’m coming for you! [Grabs a piece of paper that says “SpongeBob You’re Fired”] Who’s with me?
[A couple of other people join him, and they fly into the vacuum. Everyone else finds a piece of paper to save the others, and they fly in as well. They end up in a dark room.]
SpongeTron D: Oh, where am I? Also, why is it so dark in here? [turns on night vision]
Dededeletethis: Aw no, now nobody can see me picture my booty up in 3D! Get me out of here!
MagicSponge123: I can make it bright again! [picks up wand] Lumos! [nothing happens] Goddamn it.
SpongeTron D: Hold those thoughts for a moment. It seems to me that we are in a toy store.
Everyone else: A toy store?!
SpongeTron D: Yeah. And Magic, your “wand” is really a candy dispenser.
MagicSponge123: Oh, hehehe.
Distant voice: OH NO! IT’S THE HORROR!
Cmcgrath26: Who is that?
SpongeTron D: Let me see, here. Scanning all areas of location. Searching for life forms. This may take a bit.
Everyone: Come on, who is it?
SpongeTron D: There are 27 life forms.
Everyone: NO!
SpongeTron D: Guys, that’s good! This means there are 28 people here. It told us there were 27 life forms. Well, I’m not a life form, right?
CartoonGuy277: You look like a son to me.
SpongeTron D: Shut up.
CartoonGuy277: Respect yer elders!
SpongeTron D: Anyway, we just need to find this guy.
Voice: HELP! [crashes into the contestants] GAH! Don’t touch me, I’m sterile!
Everyone: Doctor Patrick?!
Doctor Patrick: Hello?
SpongeTron D: Oh, thank goodness you’re alive!
Doctor Patrick: I can’t hear you, it’s too dark in here!
Doctor Patrick [in the confessional]: Seriously, my ears are implanted in my eyes. That’s why I “don’t have ears.” If I can’t see, I can’t hear.
SpongeTron D: [facepalms] Oh well. We need to get out of here.
StM8 MINDS [on the loudspeaker]: HELLO CONTESTANTS!
AwkwardShota-kun237: You betrayed us!
SpongeTron D: Yeah! I thought things would be better around here.
StM8 MINDS [on the loudspeaker]: Unfortunately there has been a change of plans. Sorry everyone. But I’ll give you some advice. There is a pair of night vision goggles right below you. Please grab that.
[Everyone grabs the night vision goggles except SpongeTron D.]
Egor Vasylets: Stars are telling me that this doesn’t make things much brighter.
StM8 MINDS: Too bad, because that’s what you have. Anyway, you need to find a way out of the Toy Barrel before the store opens. I’ll be waiting outside when that happens. The last team to do so will give someone the boot. Toodle-oo! [signs off]
Lorireviewer832: I’d give this place a-
Mavnol333: Now’s not the time, Lori. We need to escape this lair of madness. I obviously didn’t do this level of torture on ESB Underwater.
Every contestant that’s been on ESB Underwater: A-hem.
Mavnol333: What? It’s true!
[The Powerful Pirates head off in one direction while the Ruthless Raiders head off in another.]
Binturong7: Thankfully we can SEE.
Doctor Patrick: OK, Powerful Pirates. What do you think we should doOO. AHH! THE HORROR!
[Everyone notices that “the horror” is really a toy robot. Suddenly, it starts to move.]
Doctor Patrick: NO! I’M TOO RICH TO DIE!
Mavnol333: Since when did you become “rich?”
Doctor Patrick: Well, apparently volleyballs are expensive!
Mavnol333 [in the confessional]: This world is weird.
[Transition to the Ruthless Raiders]
Premoviebestseasonsever: OK, so here’s what we do. Peachy! You see those boots over there?
Peachy4872: Uh, you mean those old fishing boots?
Premoviebestseasonsever: Yes. That’s what I mean. Do you mind if you grab those?
Peachy4872: No thanks, I’ll pass. They’d mess up my culture!
Premoviebestseasonsever: Come on! The Powerful Pirates may have found a way outside! We shan’t waste time!
Peachy4872: Oh, you gotta be [CENSOR NOISE]ing kidding me! [puts on the boots, which make a squeaky noise] *to herself* Man, I look embarrassing. *out loud* Now what?
Premoviebestseasonsever: [laughs really hard] Oh, I just wanted to get a glimpse of one of my favorite pre-movie episodes! ‘’[continues to laugh]’’
Everyone else: UGH!
Peachy4872 [in the confessional]: Who’da thought EVERYONE here would be unordinary?
[Transition back to the Powerful Pirates]
Robski10: Don’t worry, BSponge. I’ll die with you!
BSpongeSM02: GET OFF ME! And we aren’t going to die! That’s just a toy robot.
Robski10: No. I mean from that! [points to a monarch butterfly]
Everyone: NO! GET THAT MENACE AWAY FROM ME!
BSpongeSM02: Oh, how stupid are you people! The butterfly can’t kill us. They are meant to look beautiful and stay that way. Give me one reason why that thing is hostile.
Louis219: Look closer.
BSpongeSM02: Huh? [stares at the butterfly]

BSpongeSM02: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
[Transition to the Ruthless Raiders]
GoldenSpongebob: OK, so here’s how we do this. First off, find a bottomless pit. Two, jump into it. Three, Wait until you reach the bottom of it! You should find the Boxing Begonia!
Peachy4872: Yeah, I’m not doing that.
[Transition to the Powerful Pirates running away from the butterfly]
SpongeTron D: This is awful! Toy store? More like “Don’t open the door!”
Binturong7: Yeah! Because then they’d see how awesome of a collection this is!
SpongeTron D: Uhh...hello? Awesome doesn’t work!
Binturong7: You’re right. Spectacular! I’ll arrange this toy store to something far beyond the comprehension of the human mind!
SpongeTron D: OK, fine. Go out there and kill yourself trying to decorate the store!
Binturong7: Thanks! I will! *leaves them*
SpongeTron D: Stupid.
[Transition to the Ruthless Raiders]
XxGustavXx: XxLet’s do thisXx! XxOKXx. XxThe first stepXx. XxFind the doorXx. XxThenXx…
Peachy4872 [in the confessional]: How many ways are here to annoy someone? Yeesh. At least I couldn’t think of anything that would make it worse.
0fflinejoe: Step 1: number two
Peachy4872 [in the confessional]: And there it was.
[Transition to the Powerful Pirates]
Unnamed Rat: Wait! I can solve this!
Cmcgrath26: How?! You’re smaller than the rest of us!
Unnamed Rat: Watch and learn. [jumps out of Cmc’s shoulder and eats the butterfly in one bite. Everyone is astonished.]
Doctor Patrick: Oh yeah! Rats do eat butterflies!
[Transition to the Ruthless Raiders]
JM SB FAN: OK, here we go. First up is-
Peachy4872: I’ll take over.
JM SB FAN: Sorry, but you’re last in line, so...too bad.
Peachy4872: Not so fast, Idealess! If you want to continue going, then we may as well kiss our sorry little butts goodbye. But who wants to get out of the store?
Everyone else: I do!
Peachy4872: Who wants to win the challenge?
Everyone else: ME!
Peachy4872: And who wants to get a billion dollars?
Everyone else: YES! COME ON! PLEASE!
Peachy4872: Then I say yes! Let’s make sure we make it together, or it’s bye bye miss American pie!
Egor Vasylets: Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Peachy4872: Yeah, we’ll have to hold off from that.
[Transition to the Powerful Pirates]
Mavnol333: Now what do we do?
ItzSpongeBob 1999 and SpongeFan199: Team up!
Mavnol333: OK, we kinda are already. Other ideas?
YOIMKYLE: YOIMKYLE!
Mavnol333: That’s it! Let’s just hide from the officers when they come to open the store, then slip past them! Thanks, YOIMKYLE!
Everyone but Mavnol333 and YOIMKYLE: Huh?
[Transition to the Ruthless Raiders listening to Peachy4872’s idea]
Peachy4872: OK, here’s my idea. I suggest we use all of us as a battering ram!
Everyone: NO! I don’t wanna get hurt!
Peachy4872: Shut your mouth. I was in the military. They always told us: “No pain, no gain.” I say follow that idea! You can gain yourself a trip to the top ten!
Dededeletethis: Oh, I like that idea!
Everyone else: Agree!
Peachy4872: OK! Let’s do this!
[The clock ticks 7:59 AM. The Powerful Pirates are in position]
Mavnol333 [in a toy house]: OK, one minute to go. Everyone ready?
Everyone else: [shows that everyone else is behind him] Yes!
Mavnol333: OK. On the count of three. One…
[7:59:46]
Mavnol333: Two…
[7:59:52]
Mavnol333: Two and a half…
[7:59:59]
Mavnol333: PUSH! [As the bell rings at 8:00 AM, the house is pushed all the way to the door. The doors open, and a couple of workers come in to security check the place Mavnol333 and the Powerful Pirates come out of the house and the store altogether. They find StM8 MINDS outside the store waiting for them.]
StM8 MINDS: Well, well, well. It looks like the Powerful Pirates won the challenge!
Powerful Pirates: Huh?
StM8 MINDS: Don’t you fool me. You guys were the first to make it out! It’s now 8:01 and there’s still no sign of the-
[Suddenly, the Ruthless Raiders break the wall as a battering ram and meet the others.]
Peachy4872: Aw man. We lost!
StM8 MINDS: Hmm...actually, you guys won!
All of the contestants: WHAT!
StM8 MINDS: After all, all 14 of you made it! As for the Powerful Pirates, where is-
Binturong7: [leaves the Toy Barrel] Hi guys! You should check out the Toy Barrel! I decorated it to make it fancier!
Andy Yellowtail: What on earth happened here? Someone turned this store into a map of the United States! AHH! [Toy Barrel burns down]
StM8 MINDS: Welp. Because Binturong7 was too busy burning down the store, the Ruthless Raiders win the challenge!
Ruthless Raiders: HOORAY!
BSpongeSM02: Aw, [CENSOR NOISE]!
Robski10: Don’t worry, I’m still with you.
BSpongeSM02: [rolls eyes]

ELIMINATION CEREMONY

StM8 MINDS: OK, so you guys have to boot someone off your team since you lost the challenge. You guys have already made your votes. When I call up your name, you will be safe from elimination. Cmcgrath26, SpongeTron D, BSpongeSM02, Robski10, ItzSpongeBob 1999, SpongeFan199, YOIMKYLE, Mavnol333, CartoonGuy277, Lorireviewer832, Jamie070912, Louis219. The final two are Doctor Patrick and Binturong7. Doctor Patrick, you were scared of a tiny robot and attracted the butterfly. Binturong7, you left your team just to do whatever you wanted. You cost the team the challenge. The last one safe from elimination is...
Doctor Patrick and Binturong7: [sweat]
StM8 MINDS: ...Doctor Patrick.
Doctor Patrick: YES!
Binturong7: Aw man. At least I can get out of here and do some states stuff. But how do I get out of here?
GoldenSpongebob: Use my idea.
Mavnol333: Why-
StM8 MINDS: Yeah, he is a Ruthless Raider, but he gave us a brilliant idea! You will jump into a bottomless pit!
Binturong7: Oh well, at least it may take me home. [Jumps into pit]
StM8 MINDS: What a way to start things off here at Apocalypse ESB! Since everyone here is happy…
Powerful Pirates: Not anymore!
StM8 MINDS: ...it looks like this show is moving on! Tune in next time on Apocalypse ESB!
[Credits play]