The Yard Sale/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Yard Sale" from season 1, which aired on November 19, 2021.

[The episode opens at Goo Lagoon. GrandPat is in a fishing boat, sleeping. Cans of soda are floating in the lake. Jellyfish fly past GrandPat. Zoom out to show GrandPat on his scooter inside the dome of the house, dreaming. A loud crash wakes up dream GrandPat.]
Dream GrandPat: [sputtering] What? Huh? [looks around]
[The screen shakes as another noise is heard. Dream GrandPat yelps, then looks out of the dream bubble to see the real GrandPat asleep. He gets frustrated and pulls out a cork with his fishing rod. Water pours out of the dream and onto GrandPat, waking him up. GrandPat sputters, shakes the water off, and yawns. Another crash is heard from outside.]
GrandPat: Huh?
[GrandPat looks outside to see the rest of the Stars putting items on tables in the front yard. Patrick carries a box, slips on a toy car, and is sent crashing into a stone bust of his head, which falls over.]
Patrick: [yelling]
GrandPat: A yard sale? Why would anyone wanna sell their pricelessly valuable belongings to strangers? Blech! I wouldn't part with my stuff for the world. [relaxes, then suddenly realizes, with his eyes turning into "OH" and "NO!"] Oh, no! They wouldn't dare!
[GrandPat descends to see items from his room stolen, including the bathroom sink.]
GrandPat: [gasps] I knew it! I've been robbed by my own family!
[He speeds off on his scooter, leaving two teeth behind. He hops on a chair next to the stairs, but it descends very slowly.]
GrandPat: [frustrated] Oh! [yells and pushes the lever forward, then hits the gas pedal, speeding down the rail]
[Outside, a brown fish is asking Patrick about a treasure chest.]
Brown fish: How much for the jewels?
Patrick: [rubs head] They're kinda old. How's two bucks sound?
[GrandPat's chair crashes through the front door, running over Cecil and skidding through the dirt.]
Cecil: [screaming]
GrandPat: [grunts and gets off chair] Cease and desist! My belongings are not for sale!
[Patrick and the brown fish stare at GrandPat, unamused.]
Brown fish: [takes out money] I'll give you a buck fifty.
Patrick: Sold!
[Patrick hits his head and a cash register slot comes out of his mouth. The fish puts the money in and Patrick closes it. Patrick gives him the chest.]
Brown fish: [laughing]
GrandPat: Patrick, it's not yours to sell! [stretches his arm and steals the chest back]
Brown fish: Hey, I paid for that!
GrandPat: [takes out lollipop] Here's a booby prize, you boob! [shoves it in his face]
Brown fish: [pleased] A lollipop? Oh, boy! [walks away slurping it]
[Cecil stands up from under GrandPat's chair and puts it on a table, then sticks a "For Sale" sign on it.]
Cecil: Don't be a grouch, Dad. [coughs out dirt] Everyone in the family contributed to the yard sale.
Patrick: We're selling old junk, and [takes out item] everything you have is old junk.
Cecil: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Patrick: Do the maths! [chicken clucks]
GrandPat: [nervous gulp]
Patrick: [ominously, beckoning] Hand it over.
GrandPat: [whimpering]
Cecil: [ominously, reaching his hands out] Come on.
[GrandPat whimpers, looks at the chest, then gets a determined look on his face. He swallows the chest whole. Coins spill out of his mouth when he talks.]
GrandPat: [sadly] You don't understand! Each one of these precious vintage antiques represents a precious vintage memory of mine!
[A gray female fish walks up to the table and puts a foam finger on her hand.]
Gray fish: Oh, just what I've been looking for!
GrandPat: [gasps, recoils]
Gray fish: How much for this?
[GrandPat throws his hand onto the finger and pulls himself up to it. taking it with him.]
Gray fish: Hey!
[GrandPat holds up a green lollipop.]
Gray fish: [clapping, excited] Oh! A lollipop! Mmm-mmm! [takes it and walks away, licking it]
GrandPat: [chuckles] Take this novelty thumb, for instance. [close-up of the thumb] It's a souvenir from ancient Rome. That's way back when I was a [shows his muscles] whippersnapping young buck.
[GrandPat puts the thumb on his finger.]
Patrick: Whoa...
[GrandPat sputters and his eyes go entirely blank, as a white light shines from them.]
Patrick: [dramatically] What is it, Grandfather? What do you see?
GrandPat: I see... [fade into his flashback] the Clamiseum. [a colosseum shaped like an open clam shell is shown] The Clamiseum was packed to capacity that day for the glorious gladiator battles.
[Some identical gladiators walk into the arena, grunting. The audience boos them. Moronicus knocks on a door, and the gladiators cower.]
GrandPat: [narrating] And no gladiator was more feared or revered than the [Moronicus breaks through the door] great and stupid warrior, Moronicus.
[Moronicus grits his teeth and growls. The audience is enthusiastically cheering. One spectator chisels "Weus Lovus Moronicus!" into a block of stone. Moronicus grunts at the frightened gladiators, then charges towards them.]
GrandPat: [narrating] His fans loved to watch him crush his opponents with brutal strength. And, boy, did he give them something to nerd out about.
[Moronicus crushes the gladiators with his shoulder. A giant dust cloud spells out his name.]
Audience: [cheering] Moronicus! Moronicus! Moronicus! Moronicus!
[The gladiators are crushed into cans.]
Gladiator #1: Let me out of here!
Gladiator #2: It's not funny!
[Moronicus roars, beats his chest, and poses.]
GrandPat: [narrating] He came from a famous family of battling morons, but he was the all-time champion.
[The audience cheers. A father talks to his son, who is wearing a Moronicus mask and punching gloves.]
Father: Some fun, eh, son? [cheers]
Kid: [punches him, cheers] Yeah!
GrandPat: [narrating] That monster was so big and dumb that he couldn't tell friend from foe.
[A doctor runs out of a "Firstus Aidus" entrance with a giant wrench. Moronicus roars at him, making him drop the wrench and run away screaming. GrandPat, dressed as a clown, pops out of a barrel and sprays Moronicus with seltzer.]
GrandPat: [narrating] So it was my duty to keep him in line!
[A clown horn honks. GrandPat waves and winks at the audience. The audience boos him again. Moronicus roars and grabs the barrel. He looks inside, confused, and shakes it to realize it is empty. GrandPat pops out of another barrel.]
GrandPat: [narrating] I was a Clamiseum Clown, [he throws a pie at Moronicus] the most dangerous job in Rome!
[Moronicus wipes the pie off his face and grabs the barrel, crushing it. It's empty. Moronicus looks around and GrandPat is stuck on his back.]
GrandPat: [laughs, blows kiss to audience]
[The audience boos.]
GrandPat: [narrating] But on that day, that big dummy bested me. [Moronicus grabs GrandPat and roars in his face] Ooh, and he had horrible halitosis. [Moronicus holds GrandPat for the audience] Suddenly, I was on trial for my life. They unanimously voted, [a fish raises his finger sideways, then points it down as others join in] and it wasn't good.
Audience: Yeah!
[GrandPat looks around, nervous.]
GrandPat: [narrating] I knew I was a goner for sure now. [Moronicus chuckles] I needed a plan, and I needed it quick.
[GrandPat pulls a balloon out of his pants and inflates it, then ties it into a dog. He gives it to Moronicus, who admires it. While Moronicus is distracted, GrandPat slams a barrel over his head. Moronicus sees GrandPat running away and chases after him, catching him on the barrel. He smashes headfirst into a column, leaving him dizzy. He collapses on the ground. GrandPat comes from behind the column and looks at him with concern.]
GrandPat: [narrating] I didn't mean to hurt the big moron.
[Moronicus mutters incoherently as three images of fish riding chariots circle his head.]
GrandPat: [nervous laughter] Ta-da?
[The audience is shocked.]
GrandPat: [narrating] Oh, I knew the crowd would tear me apart for it. How wrong I was! [A fish raises their thumb sideways, but then points it up. The crowd cheers.]
GrandPat: [narrating] They loved me!
Audience: [cheering] Yeah! Way to go, buddy!
GrandPat: [narrating] I was showered in thumbs, which really hurt since they were made out of cement.
[GrandPat cheers, but gets hit by the concrete thumbs thrown at him.]
Father: Yay!
[His son, now wearing a clown outfit, sprays seltzer at him and laughs. The flashback fades out, with GrandPat's eyes returning to normal.]
GrandPat: [laughs]
Patrick: So? Tell me about ancient Rome!
GrandPat: Oh, I just did! Didn't you see the flashback?
Patrick: Ohhh. I must have dozed off.
[GrandPat slaps his forehead. His head shoots out sonar beams and detects something, making him recoil in horror. Squidina and Bunny are selling an array of tools to Bubble Bass.]
Squidina: Hello, sir, could I interest you in our lovely array of rusty old tools?
Bunny: [gestures] Rusty! Ooh! [tools sparkle]
Bubble Bass: Hmm. [picks up pliers and uses them to pull out a nose hair] How much for the vintage nose hair pullers?
GrandPat: Those ain't nose hair pullers! They're teeth yanking pliers from my medieval dentistry days!
Squidina: [grunts and crosses her arms]
[GrandPat grabs the pliers, again sputtering and shaking. The pliers shine and fade into a younger GrandPat holding them, about to pull out a patient's tooth.]
GrandPat: [narrating] It was the dark ages, and I was the only toothsmith in the kingdom.
[GrandPat pulls yard to pull his patient's tooth out. The patient's hair sinks into his head and his eyes shrink. He comes loose from his chair. They go into a barrel of water.
GrandPat: Almost got it! [grunting]
[GrandPat takes him out of the barrel, up the ceiling, and around the outside of the building. He finally puts the patient back on the chair, stands on him, and pulls the tooth out, flying backwards across the room.]
GrandPat: [points to tooth] There, that's the last one! You'll never have a toothache again.
Patient: [reveals that he has no teeth left] Thankth! [gives thumbs up]
GrandPat: You can rinse now, my good man. [a jellyfish with a crown and wings flies through the window and stings him] Ooh, a Royal Jelly message from the palace! [takes scroll and the jellyfish flies off] It's from Princess Pearlina. She says, "Dear Dentist, I've got a malignant mandible molar that's in need of your marvelous medical magic."
[The patient spits into a goblet. GrandPat stands on top of him.]
GrandPat: I will yank out your pain, my princess! [takes out pliers] By my pliers, I swear!
[The jellyfish messenger stings the patient, electrocuting GrandPat as well. Cut to GrandPat riding his mule across the hills to Pearlina's palace.]
GrandPat: [stopping his mule] Whoa, Bicuspid! This is it!
[A shot of Princess Pearlina's castle is shown. A rainbow shines over it.]
Mule: [spits out reins and neighs loudly]
Pearlina: [leans from tower and waves handkerchief] Cast your eyes skyward, noble dentist, for I am here! [giggles]
GrandPat: Princess Pearlina, let down your hair that I may climb thy golden stair!
Pearlina: Not now! [nudges hair] I just washed it! I'll come to you!
[Pearlina laughs and jumps off the tower. GrandPat and his mule try to catch her, but she crushes them both. Pearlina curtsies and steps off them. They spring back up from the ground.]
Pearlina: [claps] I applaud your swift arrival, good dentist. The pain of this tooth has become quite unbearable. And it hoits!
GrandPat: [bows, alongside his mule] I shall not disappoint you, milady, and I shall not dally.
[The mule takes a dentist chair out of the cart and lays Pearlina on it. GrandPat prepares to operate, takes out a hook and head mirror, and inspects Pearlina's mouth.]
GrandPat: Okay, where's that nasty old tooth hiding?
Pearlina: [pushes GrandPat away] Oh, no, no, no. It is not my tooth that is in horrible pain!
[GrandPat and the mule look at each other in confusion.]
GrandPat and mule: Huh?
Pearlina: It is his!
[Pearlina inhales and whistles. A green dragon with gauze wrapped around its head comes from the tower and breathes fire, then puts its head on the ground, whimpering.]
GrandPat: Oh!
Pearlina: [patting dragon] This is Mr. Boots, my royal guard dragon. [he whimpers and Pearlina unties his gauze] Open your mouth for the nice man, Mr. Boots.
[The dragon opens its mouth and breathes fire, scaring GrandPat. The mule clings onto him, screams, and runs away.]
GrandPat: [calling out] I'll catch up with you later, Bicuspid!
[The dragon growls. GrandPat gulps.]
GrandPat: I hope.
[GrandPat looks in its mouth, then walks inside.]
GrandPat: Ewww... So many teeth. But which one's the bad one? [tosses bag on ground] I guess there's only one way to find out! [takes out sledgehammer] Alley-oop! Is this the tooth?
[GrandPat bashes the tooth with his hammer. The dragon shakes its head.]
Pearlina: Nope!
GrandPat: Hmmm. [bashes other tooth]
Pearlina: Nope!
GrandPat: Hmmm. [bashes another tooth]
Pearlina: Nope! [GrandPat looks disappointed]
[GrandPat keeps hitting teeth as Pearlina says no.]
Pearlina: Nope!
GrandPat: Hiyah! [hits tooth]
Pearlina: Nope!
GrandPat: Aah! [hits a knight]
Knight: Ouch! [adjusts helmet] Watch it, buster!
GrandPat: [worried] Ooh, I'm sorry! I didn't see you there!
Knight: Honest mistake, my good chap. I've been stuck here for so long, I can no longer tell the difference between a day and a knight. [laughs and slaps knee] Break out the onion dip, Roddy! We have company!
[He points to a knight's skeleton next to him. GrandPat looks disturbed.]
GrandPat: No thanks. I'm just looking for a bad tooth.
Knight: [listening] Oh, what's that, Roddy? [nods] Roddy says the rotten tooth you seek is down the tongue and to the left.
GrandPat: Much obliged, fellas!
Knight: Ta-ta! [waves and makes Roddy wave with him]
[GrandPat comes up to a rotten tooth with bats flying out of it.]
GrandPat: Whoa! [yelps] Is this the tooth?
[He gets no response. He hits it. A chucken clucking sound effect is heard and fire burns GrandPat.]
Pearlina: [sing-song] Yes!
GrandPat: [weary] Finally.
[He takes out pliers to pull the tooth out. Fire burns him. He tries again, and it burns him. GrandPat keeps trying to hide from the fire.]
GrandPat: I can't do this alone. I need help. [fade to him, Pearlina, the knight, and Roddy standing in a line] Okay, everyone, we yank on the count of three. One, two, three!
[Fire burns them all as GrandPat pulls. The knight extinguishes a flame on Roddy's arm. When they pull again, Pearlina's blowhole sprays water and extinguishes the fire. They pull harder and finally get the tooth out.]
Everyone: Yay!
[More knights come out of the teeth and cheer.]
Knights: Hurray!
Pearlina: [kisses GrandPat's cheek] Mwah!
GrandPat: Aww.
Knight: [holding skull] Roddy wants kisses!
[Cut to Pearlina, Roddy, and the knight on top of the dragon. GrandPat rides away.]
Pearlina: Goodbye, sir dentist!
Knight: Ta-da!
GrandPat: Goodbye! Don't forget to floss!
[Fade out to GrandPat recovering from his trance, and talking to Bubble Bass.]
GrandPat: And that's why they're not! For! Sale!
[GrandPat sticks a lollipop in Bubble Bass's mouth. He takes it out and shakes it.]
Bubble Bass: You call this a lollipop? Pathetic. [GrandPat takes it back and sticks a bigger one in his mouth] Now that's what I'm talking about. Mmm! [slurping]
[Bunny and Squidina look uncomfortable.]
Squidina: Barnacles, GrandPat! I almost had that sale!
GrandPat: And you're not selling my dragon tooth furniture either!
[Pan to show Roddy and a furniture set made out of dragon teeth, with bats flying out of it. GrandPat wraps it all up in caution tape. End of part 1.]
[Start of part 2. Slappy comes in, holding a brain. GrandPat jumps over a table.]
Slappy: How much for the brain? [giggles]
[GrandPat touches it, and appears to cue a flashback, but it doesn't start.]
GrandPat: Nope. Not mine.
Patrick: [licks brain] Oh! It's not mine either. Looks like you got yourself a free brain, Mister.
Slappy: Ah. [puts propeller hat on brain, and it flies away] You are free now, little brain! Free! [giggling]
Mr. Krabs: [runs up] Free stuff, eh? [grabs vacuum] Can I have this old vacuum cleaner for free?
GrandPat: Ahh! Of course not! This old vacuum reminds me of my days in the Old West, when I was a [snaps straps on his shirt] rootin', tootin' traveling salesman!
[GrandPat grabs the vacuum, sputters, and stands up high, cuing another flashback. A younger GrandPat walks through the west with the vacuum.]
GrandPat: [narrating] It was 1849, and this brash young man was selling vacuums door-to-door.
[GrandPat walks up to a gold mine. Its entrance is barricaded and has "Go Away or Else!" written on it.]
GrandPat: "Go away, Elsie"? Good thing my name ain't Elsie! [uses breath spray and knocks]
[An old prospector who looks like Mr. Krabs answers the door, grumbling.]
GrandPat: [takes off his head and hat] Good morning, sir! I'm here to tell ya about a newfangled automatic broom you can't live without, the vac-a-uum cleaner! Now, I don't need to tell you that a clean mine is a happy mine!
Prospector: A clean mime? I wash my mime twice a day, sonny! And it don't make him happy!
[A mime comes out, dabs his armpits, and looks sad.]
Prospector: You're no mime cleaner. You're a gold stealer! Get off of my claim, you carpet baggerer!
GrandPat: No, wait! [sticks his foot in the door, but it closes on him] Ow!
[The prospector laughs. He and the mime dust their hands off. GrandPat suddenly appears behind them.]
GrandPat: Just let me demonstrate how much power is in this in-cur-edible little vacuum!
[GrandPat turns the vacuum's power on and sucks up the sand on the floor.]
Prospector: Hey, what the-- [laughs]
[GrandPat sucks up his foot that got caught in the door. The prospector is amused. GrandPat sucks up tools, flowers, a bowling ball, and bolwing balls around the mine.]
GrandPat: This little sweetheart is handy, dandy, and even picks up candy!
[He sucks up candy from the prospector's pocket.]
Prospector: Ooh! [giggling]
GrandPat: [laughs] And if you thought that sucked, let me show you some real suction!
[GrandPat turns the power to high, but the vacuum goes out of control. He sucks up gold from around the mine.]
GrandPat: Whoa! Whoa!
Prospector: I knew you were fixin' to steal me gold! [GrandPat sucks up the prospector's gold teeth] Sic him, Marcel! [bell dings]
[The mime puts down his hat and starts swinging his fists.]
GrandPat: [riding vacuum] Yee-haw!
[The mime, and then the prospector, are sucked up by the vacuum. GrandPat is finally able to shut it off.]
GrandPat: Yeah, that off switch is a little sticky. [looks around] Hello? [the mine is all clean] Hmm? Where'd they go? [wipes forehead with handkerchief] No sale again, [suddenly happy] but I got closer that time! [walks away, humming]
[The prospector and the mime are seen squirming around inside the vacuum from the outside.]
GrandPat: [narrating] I never struck it rich, but my memories are more precious than gold.
[GrandPat exits the mine, ending his flashback. In the real world, he is still in a trance.]
Patrick: Quick, before he snaps out of his trance, let's haggle!
Krabs: [takes out rock] I'll give you a rock shaped like a nickel for it!
Patrick: [thinks] Hmm... [enthusiastically] sold!
[Patrick removes GrandPat's hand from the vacuum and collects Krabs' payment. Krabs walks off with the vacuum, laughing. Patrick looks at his rock.]
Prospector: [inside vacuum] Hello? Has the West been won yet?
[GrandPat snaps out of his trance.]
GrandPat: Hey, where's my vacuum? Hmm?
Krabs: [walking away] Gold!
GrandPat: Memory stealer! [grunts and pulls his legs back down, is about to chase Krabs, but overhears a little girl]
Girl: Whoa!
GrandPat: [screams]
[A girl buys what appears to be a blue hula hoop from Patrick.]
GrandPat: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [stops her] Where do you think you're going with that?
Girl: It's a loopy-hoop. That's where I'm going with it.
GrandPat: That is not a child's toy! It's an oldie-o. Everybody had one of these when I was living in the [leans close to her] future!
Patrick: Ooh! [drops money, pupils grow] What's the future like, GrandPat? [excited] Are there snacks?
[GrandPat glares at Patrick, then keeps talking to the girl.]
GrandPat: Everyone in the future is older than they are now! Even you will be a [squeezes her face] geezer in the future!
Girl: No way!
GrandPat: Way!
[GrandPat grabs onto the hoop and sputters. His eyes project an old-timey cinema countdown reel, which the girl and Patrick watch in amazement. Zoom into a futuristic Bikini Bottom.]
GrandPat: [narrating] I remember it like it was tomorrow. [GrandPat stands in a line with other old people] The year was 3000 A.D., and I went to the mall of the future, to stand in the line of the future, to buy products of the future.
[GrandPat is at a vending machine for "Oldie-o's: The Future of Assisted Living." He touches a pad with his tongue, which scans, loads, and flashes the word "PAID".]
GrandPat: [giggling]
[A robot comes from the back of the machine and drops the oldie-o on GrandPat.]
Robot: One oldie-o for the g-g-geezer.
[The oldie-o latches onto GrandPat and lifts him up.]
GrandPat: Yeah. Whoa! Whoa! [laughs as the oldie-o puts a hat on him, he tips it to other old folks in line] Top of the chrome dome to you. Lovely day. [grunts and pauses] What's that now? [the text "LUNCH TIME" flashes on the oldie-o] Oh boy, lunchtime! [hands put a bib around his neck and a hose spits food in his mouth, hands chew his food for him] Mmm! [hands brush his teeth and he spits into a sink] Ah... [grunting, hands put a diaper on him] Whoa! [grunting, he checks his wristwatch] Huh? Back to work! [rides off]
[Cut to a chrome version of the Clamiseum. GrandPat flies into a chrome barrel and comes out in his clown outfit. The audience boos.]
GrandPat: [laughs, waves to audience]
[An elderly Moronicus wearing an oldie-o, comes out of an entrance. He gets mad at GrandPat. The audience hold out chrome fingers and cheer.]
GrandPat: [laughs and throws a chrome pie in Moronicus's face, denting it]
Moronicus: [roars and pulls out weapons]
[They charge at each other. GrandPat jumps out of his oldie-o and slams it over Moronicus's body, trapping him. Moronicus pulls his arms out and punches the oldie-o twice, triggering lunchtime again. It ties a bib, spits food in his face, brushes his teeth, and makes him spit. Moronicus cries as it diapers him, gives him a pillow, and burps him. He sucks his thumb.]
GrandPat: [narrating] 500 angry Romans agree, even in the future, I'm the undisputed champion. [in the story, he thanks the audience] Thank you! Thank you!
[Zoom out to GrandPat's eyes projecting the flashback.]
Girl: What? [waves flashback away] That's the biggest load of barnacles I ever heard!
GrandPat: What? Are you calling me an untruthful fibbing poppy-cocker?
Girl: Bingo! I don't believe in your future, beardy. This is just an old loopy-hoop. Now give it!
GrandPat: [laughs smugly and holds out a lollipop] Mm-hmm?
[The girl slaps the lollipop out of his hands when he offers it to her. It sticks between GrandPat's eyes. She puts the oldie-o on and uses it as a hula hoop, then it grabs onto her and lifts her up, to her confusion. It ties a bib to her neck, sprays food at her, brushes her teeth, and carries her around as she screams.]
Patrick: [obliviously] Another satisfied customer!
GrandPat: Grrr... [grabs Patrick's collar] Stop peddling my past!
[GrandPat runs around and takes back items from the visitors.]
GrandPat: [takes back a hat] Not for sale! [takes back glass eyes and teeth] Not for sale! [steals a small stepstool] Not for sale! [the fish on it falls off, he steals back some flippers; he is now wearing all the items] Next wise guy who touches my memories gets the teeth! [growls and bites at the screen]
[A mother and her frustrated son walk up.]
Mother: How much are you asking?
GrandPat: What, do you got cement in your ears, lady? My stuff is not for sale!
Mother: [laughs] I'm not interested in your stuff. I'm interested in you.
GrandPat: [exhales, glass eyes fall off] What?
Mother: We're in the market for a new grandpa. [to her son, putting her arm around him] Aren't we, Billy?
Billy: I guess. [removes her arm] Get off.
Mother: [pointing] Our old grandpa is on the fritz.
[An old man sputters and sparks.]
Mother: [takes out money] I'll give you 50 bucks to be our [waves money] new grandpa.
GrandPat: Absolutely not!
Patrick: [folds arms] My GrandPat is not for sale!
Mother: Then how about 50 bucks and [takes out lollipop] one of these?
GrandPat: [excited] Ooh, a lolli!
Patrick: [gasps] Huh?
GrandPat: [licks lollipop] Oh, tapioca flavored! Sold! [to his family] So long, Star family! [walks away with Billy and his mother] I'm going to a better place!
Mother: With a pool!
Patrick: [tearing up] I wish I had a new grandpa.
[A man climbs out of a nearby fern.]
Man: Did you say, "new grandpa"?
Patrick: Yeah?
Man: Then come on down...
Patrick: What?
Man: [house backdrop lifts up to show Pappy Farms] To Pappy Farms Grandpa Ranch! [cow moos, caption reading "Actual Pappy Farms© Location!" appears as the man shows off the ranch] We've got prune-fed, free-range grandpas just waiting to read you a story, blather on about the war, or fall asleep watching your recital.
Fish: [holding three old men close to him] I got three grandpas!
Patrick: [holding chicken] I got a chicken!
Bunny: [takes chicken, scolding] Patrick! We're here for grandpas!
Patrick: Awww!
Man and Star family: [wave to camera] So come on down to Pappy Farms! ["Pappy Farms" text appears above them]
Narrator: Exit nine. Just off the Bubble Freeway.