This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "The Patrick Show After Dark" from season 3, which aired on July 30, 2024.
- [It is nighttime outside the Star house, and Patrick is on stage, with Slappy being the only one in the audience.]
- Patrick: We've waited hours for nighttime, and it's finally here. And now I'm going to share [reaches into his pocket] something [conceals something in his hands] very, very special with all of you. [to Squidina] Kill the lights.
- [Squidina throws a lamp off a table, dimming the room.]
- Patrick: [to audience] OK, ready, folks? Here we go! [reveals a glowing yo-yo in his hands] My new yo-yo glows in the dark! Pretty neat, huh? [unrolls the string and it rolls across the floor]
- Slappy: Ooh, [leans forward] how enchanting!
- Patrick: [raises his hand, revealing it tangled in the yo-yo string] Well, thanks for staying up late everybody. [waves] See you next time. [closes the curtains]
- Slappy: What? No. You can't yo-yo then go-go. I need more show-show.
- Patrick: [now in his night clothes] Sorry, Slappy. It's past my bedtime.
- Slappy: It's also the perfect time for the Patrick Show [dramatic close-up of his face] "After Dark."
- Patrick: After dark?
- Slappy: [close-up on his lips] After dark.
- Patrick: [stares wide-eyed, blinks]
- Squidina: [walks up to Slappy with her clipboard] You know, that's not a bad idea. Crossing into a later time slot would bring in [raises her arms, smacking Slappy with the clipboard and making him fall over] a whole new audience. Don't you think so, Patrick?
- Patrick: [is already asleep, snoring]
- Squidina: Time for a wake-up call!
- [She takes out a jellyfishing net and goes to a diner. She catches a jellyfish drinking coffee, rushes back to Patrick, and puts it in his pants.]
- Patrick: [gets shocked and freaks out] I'm up! I'm up! [zapping, screaming] [barks] Eee! Oh! Oh! Ahh! [vibrates] Ohh.
- Squidina: So, are we feeling more awake now?
- [Patrick is vibrating, opens his mouth, and loud microphone feedback plays.]
- Squidina: Fantastic! [narrating a title screen] You're watching [the words "After Dark" flicker] The Patrick Show: After Dark. [the words "After Dark" light up]
- [Cut to a digital clock display: 12:26 AM. It ticks to 12:27. Cut to Patrick outside the kitchen at night as Squidina is recording him on her camera.]
- Cecil: [off-screen] Ah, fiddlesticks!
- Patrick: OK, [to camera] it's past midnight. Mom and Dad are in the kitchen arguing.
- Squidina: Ooh, juicy! [follows Patrick with her camera]
- [Cecil and Bunny are at the kitchen table, each looking at a few slips of paper.]
- Cecil: Oh, this is bad. I was just barely scraping by, and now this!? [leans hand on forehead]
- Patrick: [quietly] Sounds like money problems.
- Bunny: [gently] It may seem unfair, but it is your obligation.
- Cecil: Just... tell me what the damages are.
- Bunny: [looks at paper] Oh, you better brace yourself. [adjusts glasses] You owe [shakes] $16,000.
- Cecil: [puts hands on table] $16,000!
- Patrick: Whoa. That's a lot. [pauses] Wait. Is that a lot?
- Cecil: I-- I-- I don't have that kind of money! [sobs] It's game over! [smacks on table] I'm bankrupt, Bunny!
- Bunny: [smiling] Oh, isn't that a shame? [snickers, laughs]
- [Squidina and Patrick raise an eyebrow. A board game is now seen on the table.]
- Bunny: Too bad you had to go and land on the Mariana Trench where I built [condos shine] two luxury condos. [pumps arms] Whoop! Whoop! I win in Propertyopoly again! [rubbing hands] Now let's settle that $16,000 with 16,000 smooch-a-roonies. [smacks her lips] Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
- Cecil: [to the camera] Hey, I guess losing ain't so bad after all. [starts kissing Bunny]
- Patrick: Ewww! [tries running away but falls on his face] Let's get outta here!
- Squidina: [covers her eyes and runs away with Patrick, yelling]
- [A digital clock display is seen: 1:05 AM. It ticks over to 1:06. Squidina is recording Patrick outside GrandPat's room, which has the door slightly open and the lights on.]
- Patrick: Looks like GrandPat is still up. [small laugh] Let's check in on him.
- [Patrick opens the door. GrandPat picks his ear, then yawns.]
- GrandPat: Time to get ready for bed. [passes a curtain and takes off his sweater and shirt, scratches self] Yep, yep, yep. [walks to various jars in a dresser]
- Patrick and Squidina: [giggling]
- GrandPat: [smacking]
- [GrandPat takes dentures his out and puts them in a jar. He does the same with his beard and eyebrows.]
- Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
- [GrandPat smacks his eyes into a jar and puts it down.]
- GrandPat: There. See you tomorrow, fellas.
- Squidina: We shouldn't be seeing this.
- GrandPat: Oh, almost forgot. [takes liver out of belly button] My liver! [throws it in a cooler]
- Patrick and Squidina: Eww!
- GrandPat: [walks to a giant moisturizer bottle] And now for a dab of moisturizer. [squeezes it on himself and rubs it as Patrick and Squidina look on in horror] Ahh, sweet, sassy, sea molassy. [close-up of him rubbing it on his body] I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight.
- [Patrick and Squidina, horrified, slide away. Patrick opens the door and they step out, with blank expressions, scream, then shake their heads and blink.]
- Squidina: Anyway, there's probably some less-horrific stuff happening out here.
- Patrick: Yeah, [looks to the left] let's look around. [he and Squidina hear animals making noises and go look]
- Ouchie and Pinkeye: [hopping together] Ah-heh! Ahh! Ahh!
- Patrick: Ouchie and Pinkeye?
- Squidina: [adjusts glasses] Two mortal enemies playing together?
- [Ouchie and Pinkeye laugh and hop down the street.]
- Squidina: I think we just got our next segment. Come on! [she and Patrick follow the pets]
- [Ouchie and Pinkeye hop down the street. Patrick and Squidina come out of trash cans to watch them. They stop by a giant disco club shaped like an animal kennel. A muscular clam bouncer is outside.]
- Patrick: [off-screen] The pet shop is an afterhours club?
- [The clam bouncer lets Ouchie and Pinkeye in.]
- Squidina: All right, [takes out camera] let's go check it out.
- Patrick: [walks up to the bouncer with Squidina] Two, please. [the bouncer moves to show a "no Patrick and Squidina" sign, which Patrick reads] "Pets Only." Oh.
- Squidina: Come on, [points away] I have an idea.
- [They leave and cans are heard rattling. Patrick comes back in wearing a patched green bodysuit, straws with a baseball and a 6-ball as eyestalks, and a colander on his back with Squidina's camera poking out of it.]
- Patrick: Two, please.
- Squidina: [inside the colander, pokes Patrick]
- Patrick: Uh, I mean, meow!
- [The bouncer pauses, then lets Patrick in. They go inside, where disco lights and music are blaring.]
- Squidina: [lifts up colander] OK, just act natural and they won't even know we're here.
- Patrick: [winks] Got it. [eyes widen] Whoa! [looks around the room to see animals partying] Worms, snails, clams all partying together?
- Squidina: [off-screen] What a story!
- Patrick: This place is so coooooool! [his mouth extends and trips the record player needle, stopping the music and lights]
- Animals: [stop partying]
- Snail DJ: Meow?
- Animals: [growling]
- Patrick: Oops.
- Squidina: [smacks forehead] Our cover is blown. [points away] Let's scram!
- Patrick: [giggles nervously and turns around, his colander "shell" falls off and reveals Squidina, who puts it back on, he laughs nervously again]
- [Patrick, in his snail suit, runs past the velvet rope, as Squidina, with her colander, runs away. A snail slams the door shut.]
- Pinkeye: [looks around] Huh? Huh? [to camera, determined-sounding gibberish and beckoning, does proud pose]
- Animals: [rallying]
- Gary: [nods] Meow meow.
- Pinkeye: Uh-huh! [pounds chest, then raises fist to rally, gibberish]
- [Pinkeye takes out a button and presses it, turning the lights red. He hops over to a descending screen. He presses the button to show an illustration of snail shell tanks attacking Bikini Bottom.]
- Pinkeye: [evil laugh]
- Animals: [evil laughter]
- [Cut to a digital clock display: 3:11 AM. It ticks over to 3:12. Squidina and Patrick are walking around.]
- Squidina: So where to now, Patrick?
- Patrick: Uh... [points to an observatory on a hill] what about that thing?
- [Sandy is in the observatory, using the telescope.]
- Sandy: Hmm... [types on keyboard] Uh-huh. [the door rattles, she gets shocked, jumps, falls inside her suit]
- [Patrick opens the door and picks up Sandy's suit, holding it upside down and making her fall into her helmet.]
- Sandy: Whoa!
- Patrick: This place has a rodent problem.
- Sandy: Oh, hi, Patrick!
- Squidina: Hi, Sandy. [holds out camera] We're making late-night TV. [looks out camera] Can we see what you're up to?
- Sandy: You sure can!
- [Sandy's tail transitions to a telescope view of a moon.]
- Patrick: Huh? Hmm. Sandy, what are you staring at this big gray rock for?
- Sandy: I'm studying the Moon [eyes sparkle] for science.
- Patrick: Science is boring. [Sandy looks angry at him] What you need is dah-rama! [looks through telescope] Now, let's see what we can find. [telescope crashes through buildings, alarm blaring, crashes, screaming]
- [A man is proposing to his partner inside a house.]
- Man: [kneeling, presenting wedding ring] Priscilla, will you marry-- [crashing, explosion]
- Patrick: [looking into their house with a telescope] What's going on? Anything juicy? [leaves] Eh, whatever.
- [A tough fish is intimidating a weak one.]
- Weak fish: [whimpering]
- Patrick: Oh, a fight! [the two fish scream and the weak one holds the strong one] Can I watch? Come on, you gonna hit him or what? [pokes them] Do it. Do it. You're boring. [leaves, shot of him in the observatory] Where's all the cool stuff happening? Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute! Finally, something worth looking at! [chuckling]
- [Patrick watches a fish watching TV, where a grayscale anchovy in a hat and mustache is seen.]
- Anchovy: Meep.
- Patrick: [chuckling] Yeah.
- Sandy: [grabs Patrick's shirt] OK, Patrick. That's enough.
- Patrick: [holding on] No, wait. I've gotta see how it ends! [grunting, they get into a dust cloud fight and the telescope moves around, until Patrick is staring directly into it] Sandy, wait! I think I discovered a pink moon! [the telescope is aiming at his butt] Oh.
- [Cut to the outside of the observatory.]
- Sandy: Get out! Hi-yah! [kicks Patrick and Squidina out]
- Patrick and Squidina: [screaming, crashing]
- [Cut to a digital clock display: 4:18 AM. It ticks over to 4:19. Patrick and Squidina are walking down the road.]
- Squidina: I think we've made some quality TV tonight. Don't you, Patrick?
- Patrick: Yes, I Patrick.
- Squidina: [they walk past the animals in the alley] We just missed so much good content when we go to bed, you know?
- Patrick: [angry animals are behind them] Yeah, with enough jellyfish for my pants, I bet we wouldn't miss a thing.
- Squidina: I'll call my jellyfish guy first thing tomorrow.
- Patrick: You have a jellyfish guy?
- Squidina: Who doesn't? [loud rumbling]
- Patrick and Squidina: Huh?
- [Snail shell tanks show up. Various animals, including Ouchie and Pinkeye, are wearing army gear and growling.]
- Patrick: The pets from the nightclub?
- Squidina: What is this? A coup d'etat?
- Patrick: [shrugs] No, thanks. I already ate.
- [A snail shell tank rides up. It opens and Gary crawls out. A split-screen shows the characters reacting.]
- Squidina: Gary!?
- Patrick: Gary!?
- SpongeBob: [tied up] Gary!?
- Patrick and Squidina: SpongeBob!?
- SpongeBob: [nervously] Oh. [chuckles] Hi. How's it going? [worms growling and hiss at him]
- Gary: Meow! Meow meow meow meow! [more meowing]
- Patrick: [whispering] What's he saying? [the animals get angry at him and Squidina, Gary slithers down and pokes SpongeBob's head]
- Gary: Meow. [indicates the tank, slithers back up]
- SpongeBob: Oh, Gary wants me to translate.
- Gary: [goes back on tank, meowing]
- SpongeBob: "Too long have we pets been at your beck and call, [Patrick and Squidina look on and then at each other] subjugated to the will of those who call themselves master. [Gary is meowing] Master by whose merit? [a tired-looking fish is preparing to open a bag of snail food] In whose eyes? Lesser never and no more. We pets shall rise."
- [The tired fish shakes the snail food, and Gary's pupils dilate. Another pet owner is seen opening worm food, making a snail and an urchin excited. Fish are heard opening food tins, and the pets salivate. The sound of tins opening is heard all over Bikini Bottom. The animals clamor and rush off.]
- Patrick: Well, I guess the revolution will not be televised.
- [An open can of snail food transitions to Patrick and Squidina tiredly walking home at sunrise, groaning. They collapse in front of their house.]
- Patrick and Squidina: We're home!...
- [Cut to a digital clock display: 5:53 AM. It ticks over to 5:54.]
- [Squidina brushes her teeth and drinks mouthwash, then spits into a sink.]
- Squidina: Good night, Patrick! Sweet dreams!
- Patrick: Good night, Squidina. [throws sink away and spins into bed, changing into his night clothes. He falls asleep then is immediately woken up by an alarm clock on a stick]
- [A digital clock display is shown: 5:59 AM. It ticks over to 6:00.]
- Squidina: Up and at 'em, Patrick! Time to start filming the next episode! [scrapes him out of bed and he falls into a blob]
- Patrick: [stands up and gestures to camera] That's show business! [gets tired and falls over, grunts]