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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Nitwitting" from season twelve, which aired on January 13, 2019.
  • [The episode begins at the Barg'N Mart. Customers are minding their business doing their shopping.]
  • Barg'N Mart P.A.: Attention, shoppers: We've got a SpongeBob on Aisle 6.
  • [SpongeBob comes out of Aisle 6 with Patrick on his head while riding his unicycle and scaring the customers. But SpongeBob couldn't see where he was going due to having a blindfold on his face.]
  • Patrick: Make a sharp left!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick ride down the hallway where it leads to the locking dock. They bash through the door and crash land in a junkyard of boxes outside.]
  • Patrick: We're here!
  • SpongeBob: [takes off his blindfold and pulls himself together] I still don't understand why you had me wear a blindfold.
  • Patrick: Oh, um, I didn't want you to get anything in your eyes. [widens his eyes] See? [his eyeballs are covered in dead flies, hair and a string tangled on his left; he pulls the string out, which grosses SpongeBob out a little; Patrick and SpongeBob then walk over to a box with a picture of a door drawn on it] Okay, thanks, buddy. I'm going to my club meeting now.
  • SpongeBob: What's your club, hmm? [giggles]
  • Patrick: Uh, it's the Empty Head Society. Eh, it's a place where guys like me can give their [reads card] "powerful intellects" a much-needed rest.
  • SpongeBob: Whoa! I'd love to rest my intellect. Can I join?
  • Patrick: Sure! Anyone can join. It's exclusive. [SpongeBob giggles and attempts to go into the box by pushing it, but nothing happens] Oh, that's not how you open it. [pulls out a stick and draws a square in the sand] You have to step on the automatic doormat. [SpongeBob steps in the dirt square] Ding! [Patrick lifts the box up and they both climb inside]
  • [Inside the box, there is a bunch of people, who appear as club members, acting in a goofy and idiotic manner similar to Patrick. One is eating a hot dog while being hung on a pole. The other is dancing on a blobfish member's fez. Two fish are playing with a lighting upside-down on the box's ceiling. One is dancing to the music with a chicken on the record player.]
  • SpongeBob: Wow. They do seem blissfully brainless. [prepares to walk over and join]
  • Patrick: Oh, oh, hold it! [grabs SpongeBob] You have to check your smart thingy at the door.
  • [Howard Blandy is in line at the check-in station, texting on his phone. He checks in by opening his head and give his brain to a lobster club member, who then gives him a fez. SpongeBob gets his turn. He reaches into his head and pulls out his brain, leaving his brain stems sparking. He gives his brain to the lobster club member, who also gives him a fez. Patrick gets his turn as well. He pulls out his eye and pushes out his brain, which is quite tiny compared to the others. The lobster club member gives Patrick a fez. One club member approaches SpongeBob and Patrick.]
  • Sheldon: Hello, numbskull.
  • Patrick: Hiya, dodo!
  • Sheldon: Shall we do the Empty Head handshake?
  • Patrick: Okay!
  • [Patrick and club member dig into each other's mouths and give their handshakes with their tongues. One club member looks at the clock drawing next to him. He lifts a cinderblock and crushes his feet with it, screaming his head off in pain.]
  • SpongeBob: [gets startled by the screaming and hops in Patrick's arms] What was that?
  • Patrick: The signal for the meeting to start. Come on.
  • [All of the club members rush over to the stage, nearly knocking over SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick trips on a pail and begins rolling around. The pail bumps into a fallen member and sends them flying over to pile of pails in front of the stage. The club members then pounce on both SpongeBob and Patrick. One member removes the chicken from the record player and replaces it with a ham. The club president, the Ice Cream King, walks up to the stage, but trips over his own feet. He taps on a roll of toilet paper as if he's tapping a microphone.]
  • Ice Cream King: Good, I see everyone's in their assigned places. The secretary will now read the minutes. [lifts his belly and pulls out his secretary]
  • Ice Cream King's secretary: [reads off the back of the Kelpo cereal box] These are the minutes. One minute, twelve minutes, wait a minute, give me a minute.
  • Ice Cream King: Hike! [kicks his secretary off the stage] Are there any new initiates here tonight?
  • Patrick: [whispers] SpongeBob, go up. You always wanted to join the club. [launches SpongeBob up to the stage by bashing his fist on one club member's buttocks]
  • Ice Cream King: [looks suspiciously at SpongeBob as he giggled nervously] Hmm, are you sure you're, uh, brainless enough? [SpongeBob looks around and kicks the plank below him, which hits him in the face] Perfect! You've earned your first badge. [gives him a bacon strip as a badge; SpongeBob giggles weakly and gives Patrick a thumb's up] It's time to pass the jar.
  • SpongeBob: Hmm?
  • [One club member opens an empty jar and drools saliva into it. She passes it to a blobfish club member and he wrings saliva from his tongue into the jar. He passes the jar to an eel club member and he turns his fez like a faucet and pours saliva into the jar. He passes the jar over to SpongeBob.]
  • SpongeBob: Hmm? Uh... [spits a drop of his saliva into the jar]
  • Empty Head Society club members: Drink! Drink! Drink!
  • [SpongeBob groans in disgust and tries to hesitate in drinking the jar full of saliva.]
  • Empty Head Society club members: Drink! Drink! Drink!
  • [SpongeBob gives in and drinks all of the saliva from the jar. He gags himself as he tries not to throw up and burps out a saliva bubble from his mouth.]
  • Empty Head Society club members: [shocked and grossed out] Ugh!
  • SpongeBob: What? You said drink!
  • Ice Cream King: [taps SpongeBob's shoulder] Ahem. [points to the lemonade stand next to him] Lemonade?
  • SpongeBob: Huh?
  • Ice Cream King: [takes the empty jar and puts it on the shelf where he keeps the other jars of saliva] We just save and date the drool. But that was so dopey you earned another badge! [pulls out used chewing gum from his mouth and puts it with SpongeBob's bacon badge] There! It's now time to go out in the community and help the citizens...[flings his toilet paper microphone at an unseen character, screaming "ow!"] of Bikini Bottom by doing our civic duty. Whatever that means.
  • SpongeBob: Uh, we're gonna do some civic duty?
  • Patrick: We call it the "Nitwitting." [jumps on the stage and joins in the Ice Cream King and the entire club to sing their oath]
  • Patrick, Ice Cream King, and the Empty Head Society club members: ♪We're all unfit. We must admit we're dumb as a box of rocks. [two club members bash each other's heads] But time permitting, we'll be nitwitting. Has anyone seen my socks?♪
  • Ice Cream King: To the mini boats!
  • Two Empty Head Society club members: To the mini boats!
  • [SpongeBob, Patrick, the Ice Cream King, and the Empty Head Society club members exit their clubhouse box and begin riding in mini boats.]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, why are we doing this, again?
  • Patrick: I have no idea. [honks the horn]
  • [SpongeBob, Patrick, the Ice Cream King, and the Empty Head Society club members ride down the road in their mini boats. The townspeople scream and run away in fear. Lou hops onto his hot dog stand and rides away in it like a horse. An old lady hides into her house and zips her door shut just as the Empty Head Society ride pass. The scene changes to the bowling alley. A bowler goes to make a strike with his bowling ball.]
  • Trenchbilly Empty Head Society club member: Hey, mister. You dropped your ball. [swings his hockey stick and hits the ball like a puck, crashing it into the bowler's face]
  • [The two Empty Head Society club members create havoc in the bowling ally by flinging bowling balls at the bowlers. The scene cuts to Larry doing his workout on the treadmill at his gym.]
  • Blobfish Empty Head Society club member: Keep running. I'll pace you.
  • [Larry tries to run away, but the treadmill was moving too fast. He then gets crushed by the blobfish club member's mini boat. The scene changes to one of the club members painting happy faces on the traffic light.]
  • Shark Empty Head Society club member: These lights could use a smile.
  • [This action causes a major pile-up in the middle of the intersection and all the drivers complain. One Empty Head Society club member plows through the sidewalk with a lawnmower. The scene changes to Patrick breaking parking meters with a baseball bat. SpongeBob follows by putting bowls on the broken parking maters and pour soup in them.]
  • SpongeBob: I have a feeling you guys are a little confused about what civic duty is.
  • Patrick: [babbles while breaking off the parking meters] Uh, I don't think so! "Civic duty is using your patootie." [laughs and breaks the parking meter with his buttocks] No confusion there!
  • [A passing driver parks his boat and throws a quarter into the bowl of soup. The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick looking at a garbage can.]
  • Patrick: Why would people throw their stinky garbage in these beautiful cans? [puts the garbage can on his head]
  • SpongeBob: Maybe their pockets were already full.
  • Ice Cream King: [rolls over to SpongeBob and Patrick in his own garbage can] "Pockets full?" I can clearly see you're not as brainless as us.
  • SpongeBob: [sadly] Aww…
  • Patrick: I can't see anything!
  • SpongeBob: [sighs] Oh well. [takes off his fez] I guess I'm just not Empty Head material. Well, bye, buddy. [places the fez on Patrick's garbage can and leaves]
  • Patrick: [lifts his garbage can up] My name's "Buddy" now?
  • [Patrick and the Ice Cream King then bash and hit each other with their garbage cans.]
  • Both: Buddy! Buddy! Buddy!
  • SpongeBob: [his head short-circuits while walking] Well, that's funny. I seem to be lost. Oh, I'll figure it out. I still got so life in the ol' brain stem.
  • [SpongeBob attempts to keep his brain stem alive by sprinkling water with his watering can. But since his brain's been out of his head for too long, they short-circuit and shrivel. All of a sudden, SpongeBob's head and face begin to deform and makes himself appear to be just as brainless as Patrick, the Ice Cream King, and the club members of the Empty Head Society.]
  • SpongeBob: [starts to sound goofy] What's a brain stem? I know! I'll just walk backwards and that should get me back to the beginning of the day. [walks backwards while talking backwards; he bumps into a "No Parking" sign] I'm even more lost-er than I was before-er. [gasps as he sees a lady at the bus stop] Oh, I will direct asking—[grunts in frustration] Ask directions. [barks like a seal, hops over to the lady in a goofy fashion and spins his body in front of her] Excuse me, large lady. I'm a widdle girl who's misplace herself. Can you help find me? [lisping] I'm pretty. [gets hit in the face by the lady's purse] Ow!
  • Abigail Marge: Weirdo! [screams as she runs away]
  • SpongeBob: Well, that didn't come out right. [whines]
  • [The scene changes to SpongeBob walking alone in a dark alley. He finds an old chair and goes to sit on it. But each time he tries to do so, he ends up doing it wrong. He gives up and sulks in a puddle on the ground.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I've forgotten how to sit!
  • Charlie: [chuckles] Obviously not the sharpest tool in the—the tool thing. [chuckles]
  • [SpongeBob mopes on the ground, helplessly. Just then, he sees something step out from the darkness. It was Patrick, holding a jar of brains.]
  • Patrick: Oh, there you are! You forgot your thinking thingy. I wasn't sure which one was yours, buddy.
  • SpongeBob: Uh, now my name's "Buddy?"
  • Patrick: No, duh. That's my name! I think.
  • SpongeBob: [takes Patrick's small brain and goes to stuff it in his head, but it falls out] No, not mine. [takes another one, but it slides out too] Wrong brain. [takes another one, but it slides out too] Oh, bad brain. Oh, I guess I'll take this stupid one. [takes a square-shaped brain and stuffs it in his head]
  • Patrick: [looks carefully at SpongeBob] Hmm...Hmm...[shakes SpongeBob's body for a bit] Try saying, "I'm ready."
  • SpongeBob: Slime ready! Uh, dime Betty! [Patrick wrings up SpongeBob like a wheel] Spaghetti! I'm sweaty! I'm all wetty! [Patrick grabs SpongeBob, stretches him and straightens him out as best as he could] I'm ready. [gasps as he is back to his normal self] I'm ready! I'm ready! High-five!
  • Patrick: Yeah! [gives SpongeBob a high-five, but makes his spiral around and around]
  • SpongeBob: [babbles in dizziness and laughs] Patrick, I know you and the Empty Head Society mean well, but man, we sure messed up a lot of things in town today. So, I'm gonna reverse all the damage that we did during the Nitwitting! [leaves]
  • Patrick: Hey, you'd better hurry because you're getting smaller! What a guy. Hmm? [knocks over the old chair and climbs into it with his head peaking out from the hole] Nothing like a good sit in a chair. [sighs]
  • [SpongeBob walks out into the street and goes to clean up the mess the Empty Head Society club members made. But much to his surprise, everything appears to be cleaned up and things are back to normal.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, that's weird. Everything's already back to normal. What? [looks down and sees the sidewalk repaved; he walks around and sees the parking meters repaired; he then notices one part of the city that hasn't been cleaned] Hmm. Well, it's still a mess over here. [he backs up and bumps into a full trash can; he then meets up with his friend, Sandy, who has been cleaning up the mess all along] Sandy? You cleaned everything up?
  • Sandy: Of course, SpongeBob. I belong to a club called F.E.M.A. [holds up her membership card] That stands for "Fix the Emptyhead's Mess Again." Our civic duty is repairing the mayhem that the Empty Heads cause every month. You got some gunk on your tie.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, they're badges. [eats the badge the Ice Cream King gave him]
  • Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. How would you like to join F.E.M.A.?
  • SpongeBob: No thanks. After giving my brain a vacation, I need a rest.
  • [Suddenly, SpongeBob and Sandy hear something.]
  • Both: Huh?
  • Sandy: Uh-oh! Speaking of "brain vacation." [grabs SpongeBob and hops into the trash can to hide from the Empty Head Society club members as they ride by]
  • [Patrick is among the group and honks his horn. The Empty Head Society club members cause a pile-up in the middle of the intersection and they all sing their oath.]
  • Ice Cream King and the Empty Head Society club members: ♪We're all unfit. We must admit we're dumb as a box of rocks. But time permitting, we'll be nitwitting…♪
  • Patrick: [drives through the club members] ♪Has anyone seen my socks?♪ [crashes into the screen, ending the episode]
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