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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Googly Artiste" from season 8, which aired on July 21, 2011.
- [The episode starts with Squidward exiting his house, humming a tune while pushing a cart with a cloak over an unknown object.]
- Squidward: La da de, la da dum, la da doo. La da dee. Ah, it's a great day for the art world. [stops walking] Famous art critic Fredrick T. Nitpick will be critiquing my latest masterpiece. I love hearing myself talk. [hears giggling and laughing. The camera pans over to SpongeBob and Patrick clearly with weaved baskets in front of them. Squidward appears to be behind him]
- SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squid... [observes Squidward's artist hat] Whoa! [points to the hat] I love your hat.
- Squidward: [whacks SpongeBob's arm away] Don't touch it! And it's not a hat. It's a beret.
- SpongeBob: A beret? Oh, where can I get one?
- Squidward: Sorry, SpongeBob. Berets are only worn for true artists, like moi.
- Patrick: You're an artist?
- Squidward: Yes, I'm an artist! What are you two bubbleheads doing anyway?
- SpongeBob: We're making arts and crafts. I've been learning the fine art of basket weaving. [holds up a basket] I made this one using designs of me and my best friends. [the basket appears to have Squidward, Patrick, and himself weaved on the basket] And I also made this cute little scallop house.
- [Scallops fly out of the scallop house and commute on Squidward's face, only for Squidward to shoo them away.]
- SpongeBob: And I made this wallet, [pulls his wallet out of his basket] and I crocheted money to go in it. [holds up crocheted bills]
- Squidward: So, you've been counterfeiting currency? And what's doorknob number two been up to?
- [The camera cuts to Patrick, apparently hitting a weaved basket with a hammer.]
- Patrick: [halts hitting the basket with the hammer and laughs] I've been making baskets, too. [the basket unravels onto the table] Darn! This hammer is defective.
- SpongeBob: Do you want to make crafts, too?
- Squidward: Crafts? [blows a raspberry] This isn't summer camp. I am a true artiste. [walks out of the scene]
- Patrick: Oh, man. I'll never make art like you and...Squidward! [starts to cry]
- SpongeBob: Hey, don't be sad. You can be an artist, too. [Patrick stops crying] I'll find something that will tap into your particular artistic skill set. [thinking] Now let me see. Oh, this'll be perfect! Now, start with a rock... [pulls up a rock]
- Patrick: Uh.
- SpongeBob: A little glue... [applies glue to his rock]
- Patrick: Uh.
- SpongeBob: Stick on a couple of googly eyes... [applies googly eyes to his rock]
- Patrick: Whoa. Slow down, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: And presto: A rock with googly eyes!
- Patrick: Whoa. I did not see that coming!
- SpongeBob: Now you try! [pulls up glue and a rock]
- Patrick: I'm scared.
- SpongeBob: You can do this!
- Patrick: I shall make the attempt! [grabs glue and starts working on his rock] Privacy, please?
- SpongeBob: Oh, sorry. [looks away and shields his eyes as Patrick turns away. Patrick makes noises]
- Patrick: I've done it!
- SpongeBob: Yeah, let's take a look!
- Patrick: [moves his hands away so SpongeBob can see his rock] Behold!
- SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Oh, it's beautiful!
- Patrick: I'm an artist!
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
- Squidward: Hate.
- [Frederick Nitpick shows up.]
- Frederick Nitpick: Why, hello, Mr. Tentacles! I'm Frederick T. Nitpick, world famous art critic! This is your artwork, I presume?
- Squidward: Oh, it certainly is! This piece represents my struggle to reveal my genius to a moronic world. [pulls the sheet off the sculpture] Witness "La Visti Squidward"! Stunning, isn't it?
- Frederick Nitpick: My considered opinion is "Eww!" I'll have to confiscate your artist beret. [pulls off Squidward's beret]
- Squidward: What? No! No, you can't do that!
- Frederick Nitpick: Sorry, but I'm looking for a real artist!
- Patrick: I'm an artist! Hooray!
- Frederick Nitpick: [walks away] An artist, eh?
- Squidward: No, wait, come back!
- Frederick Nitpick: [walks over to SpongeBob and Patrick] Now, which one of you two is the artiste? [Squidward runs over]
- SpongeBob: We both are. It's lots of fun! Would you like to make something, too?
- Frederick Nitpick: [laughs hysterically, then stops] I'm a critic. I don't make things. I judge things. I'm a judger. For instance, I judge your work. [looks at SpongeBob's scallop house] Lame. [walks over to Patrick]
- Patrick: Don't judge me! [becomes worried]
- Frederick Nitpick: [looks at Patrick's rock with googly eyes] Holy guacamole frijoles! It's so, so, primitive and naïve! You're a genius!
- Patrick: Is that good?
- Frederick Nitpick: I'll give you 500 bucks for it! And this hat! [places Squidward's beret on Patrick's head]
- Squidward: Hey!
- Frederick Nitpick: [slaps money in Patrick's hand] You are a master artist, my friend. [walks away]
- Squidward: You can't give that dunderhead the artist hat!
- Frederick Nitpick: Who's the critic here? [continues to walk away]
- SpongeBob: Wow! Did you hear that, Squidward? Patrick is an artist!
- Squidward: Oh, [raspberries] selling one lousy piece doesn't make you an artist!
- SpongeBob: How many lousy pieces have you sold, Squidward?
- Squidward: Well, about... um, um, well, I'll bet he never sells another one of those ridiculous trinkets!
- [A man named Ted walks over to Patrick.]
- Ted: Hey there, I noticed your hat. Are you an artist?
- Patrick: Yeah!
- Ted: Do you have any art? I have a real craving for creativity!
- Patrick: Um... okay! [picks up a rock and puts googly eyes all over it] Art! [hands it to Ted]
- Ted: Thanks, man! Here's fifty bucks! [walks away]
- Squidward: I'll bet he never sells another!
- Sally: Hey, Ted! Where'd you get that art?
- Ted: From that pink genius over there!
- Sally: I want to buy one!
- Incidental 41: Me too!
- Man: I also!
- Squidward: I'll bet.
- SpongeBob: [presses on Squidward's nose to prevent him from talking] Squidward, I think we should have a little talk about your gambling problem.
- Squidward: [grunts and removes SpongeBob's hand] I actually want to go to work today! [walks away]
- SpongeBob: [looks at his watch] Oh! I'm almost late to be early for work! See ya later, Patrick! [walks away]
- Patrick: So long, my dear, earnest, yet untalented friend! [cuts to Patrick selling his googly-eye rocks at a stand in front of his house] One for you! And one for you! And one for... [looks around and notices there are no more rocks] I've run out of rocks to put googly eyes on! I've run out of rocks!
- Harold: Got anything else?
- Patrick: Um, the artist needs alone time! [runs into his rock]
- Harold: He's so eccentric!
- Patrick: I'm all out of rocks! What am I going to do now? That was my thing! Oh! [goes to get a bucket of paint and splatters it all over a sheet of paper, creating a The Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh] Tartar sauce! [throws the bucket away and gets a big boulder to sculpt from and ends up sculpting The Thinker] That stinks, too! [his stomach growls] The artist needs a lunch break!
- [Cuts to the Krusty Krab. Patrick opens door to the restaurant.]
- Squidward: Oh, not you again! May I take your order?
- Patrick: [looks over his menu] Um! Uh! I'm thinking about having a Krabby Patty.
- Squidward: One Krabby Patty. [lifts his hand to press the button on his register, only for Patrick to stop his hand from making any moves]
- Patrick: But I'm wondering if that might be too predictable! [takes his hand off Squidward's]
- Squidward: [rubs his hand] Then, what do you want?
- Patrick: I don't know! I'm not feeling very inspired at the moment!
- [SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen.]
- SpongeBob: Hiya, Patrick! Ordering up a delicious Krabby Patty?
- Patrick: Maybe, I don't know! I'm in a creative slump!
- SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, that's terrible.
- Squidward: Just order already!
- Patrick: Okay, I want new ideas to satisfy a public hunger for my goodly goods!
- Squidward: Off the menu! Choose something off the menu! We don't serve artistic advice here!
- Patrick: Well, then, why is it on the menu?
- [Squidward looks at the menu to see "Artistic Advice" written on it.]
- Squidward: Huh? What?
- Mr. Krabs: [points at Squidward with a paintbrush] Get back to work, Squidward!
- Squidward: In case you haven't noticed, [takes his hat off his head] this is not an artist hat! [inhales and exhales]
- Patrick: Oh, you can borrow mine! [puts his hat on Squidward's head]
- Squidward: Beautiful. [cuts to SpongeBob bringing Patrick to his table]
- SpongeBob: Make yourself comfortable, Mister Patrick! Our artistic consultant will be right with you!
- [SpongeBob brings Squidward to table against his will.]
- SpongeBob: This is Mr. Tentacles. He'll be handling all your artistic advice needs!
- Squidward: Mm-hmm!
- Patrick: Mm-hmm. Pleasure!
- SpongeBob: Here's your Krabby Patty! [puts his Krabby Patty on the table and holds up his tray] Shall I put it on your tab?
- Patrick: Oh, yeah. Keep it open. We might be here all night! Let me just say up front, I'm a fan! I'm excited to learn from a master. My career in self-worth are in your hands! Let us writing on this. Okay... advise!
- Squidward: [sighs and gets up] Why don't you just concentrate on your patty? [leaves]
- Patrick: [looks at his patty] Of course, it's so obvious now! How did I not see it earlier? Squidward's a genius! I know now what I must do! [reaches in his pocket for googly eyes and puts them on the patty, admiring his masterpiece. Frederick Nitpick pops out of the ketchup bottle]
- Frederick Nitpick: Brilliant! [hands Patrick a bag full of money] I've never seen such an example of raw creativity! This will turn the art world on its head! I hereby declare this the next big thing! [echoes. The customers swarm the Krusty Krab and hold up their money]
- SpongeBob: You did it, Patrick! You found your inspiration!
- Patrick: [holds up his money bag] And I'm going to need some more of those patty thingies!
- SpongeBob: You got it, buddy! [jumps into the kitchen and flips some patties, which fly out to Patrick. Patrick decorates a patty and gives it to Tom, who gives him another money bag]
- Mr. Krabs: Huh? [hears cha-ching] Ooh, money! Money, money, money, money, money, money, money! [opens the cash register and notices it's empty, then gasps] What the? [gasps again and notices customers giving money to Patrick and SpongeBob giving him patties] SpongeBob! [grabs SpongeBob] Patrick! [grabs Patrick and pulls both of them into his office] What's the meaning of this?
- Patrick: It's my art. Uh, I buy Krabby Patties for $3 and I..I sell them for $50. [Mr. Krabs gets mad with a growling animal sound. SpongeBob and Patrick get worried and cry]
- Squidward: Ha and ha!
- Patrick: Why is he so mad, Squidward? I was just following your advice!
- Mr. Krabs: What?! [to Squidward, angrily] It was your idea, huh?!
- [Cuts to SpongeBob bringing more patties out.]
- SpongeBob: Here's a whole new batch of Krabby Patty canvases.
- Mr. Krabs: Great, SpongeBob! That'll be fifty bucks!
- Incidental 41: [hands Mr. Krabs money] It's so inexpensive!
- Mr. Krabs: And here's your patty! One more art patty, Mr. Star!
- Incidental 41: It's such an honor to meet you!
- Patrick: [takes the patty] I can only imagine! Apprentice! [turns to Squidward] Make another of my masterpieces, good man.
- [Squidward grabs the patty and squirts glue on the top bun.]
- Patrick: If you work real hard, you may be an artist too someday!
- [Squidward growls at Patrick. Patrick looks at the patty.]
- Patrick: Mm, probably not. Needs more glitter.
- [Squidward breaks down bawling, ending the episode.]