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- [The episode starts at the mall, where SpongeBob and Patrick are trying on shirts]
- Patrick: Where's your best friend now, SpongeBob? [giggles]
- SpongeBob: Well, according to this T shirt, it says my best friend is right here. [tickles Patrick, making him laugh]
- Patrick: [jumps to the other side of him] How about now?
- SpongeBob: [flips upside down with the arrow pointing to Patrick] Right by my side. [both laugh] Wow, clothing that announces our feelings for each other [sniffs] let's get them, Patrick.
- Shubie: Can I help you boys?
- SpongeBob: I believe you can. My best friend and I would like to purchase... [Patrick starts crying] Patrick, why are you crying?
- Patrick: You...found a new best friend?
- SpongeBob: Oh, what are you... [sees his shirt point to Shubie next to him and screams] Wait, no, this isn't what it looks like! [Patrick keeps crying]
- SpongeBob: Patrick, look out, behind you!!
- Nazz: Excuse me, but does this come in...
- Patrick: Noooo! You're not my best friend!
- SpongeBob: We gotta ditch these outfits! They're sending out the wrong signals! [They tear off their shirts and stomp on them; they soon get kicked out of the mall]
- SpongeBob: We need new outfits to show our best friendiness, Pat.
- Patrick: You mean like those guys? [points to fish dressed up in red and blue uniforms]
- SpongeBob: Yeah, just like those guys. [walk in the fields] [sighs] Best friend outfits like these really make a statement.
- Patrick: Look at these guys!
- SpongeBob: Wow! I like that one. Hey, mister, where did you and your friends get your matching outfits?
- Bill: Oh, no, these aren't my friends. In fact, I hate just about everyone here, but my love for historical battles is so great, I join these losers every year to re-enact the battle of Bikini Bottom.
- SpongeBob: There was a battle of Bikini Bottom? [Patrick and Bill gasp in shock]
- Patrick: Well, duh, SpongeBob. It's only the most significant event in Bikini Bottom history! A long time ago, the town was divided into 2 groups [shows flashback of Man washing his hands] Those who spent all their time washing their hands like softies [shows fish's clean hands]
- Blue Fish: Clean as a whistle!
- Patrick: And those who had more important things to do with their time. [a Colonial version of Patrick comes out of a bathroom with filthy hands]
- Colonial Patrick: That looks good to me. [walks away]
- Blue Fish: That is truly disgusting!
- Colonial Patrick: [comes back after hearing that] Oh, yeah?
- Blue Fish: You can't go around our town touching things with those filthy mitts!
- Colonial Patrick: Oh, yeah?!
- Blue Fish: Yes! [Patrick slaps him with a glove and they begin fighting; a battleground is shown, with one cannon being filled with filth, and the other with soap bars]
- Red Group: WASH YOUR HANDS!!!
- Blue Group: NEVER!!! [the battle begins with the groups firing at each other. Flashback ends]
- Patrick: And that's how we won our right to wash as we please. [he shows his filthy hands]
- Bill: [disgusted] Oh, that's not what happened. [walks away]
- SpongeBob: [looking disturbed] You don't wash your hands, Patrick?!
- Patrick: Never have, never will.
- SpongeBob: Echhh!!
- Patrick: Does that bother you, huh, SpongeBob? [flashback starts] They only had one ice cream cone. [has a scoop of ice cream in his hand]
- SpongeBob: That's ok. Thank you, friend. [licks it off Patrick's hand. another flashback, with them eating at a restaurant. swallows food] So, anyway, I said...
- Patrick: [interrupts] Oh, wait. You've got something on your tongue.
- SpongeBob: Really?
- Patrick: Here, I'll get it. [grabs SpongeBob's tongue and takes a piece of meat off it]
- SpongeBob: Thank you. [flashback ends] Frankly, yes, Patrick, that does bother me.
- Patrick: Well, then I guess we can't be friends.
- SpongeBob: What are you saying?
- Patrick: Ugh, do I have to spell it out for you? [Licks his hand and writes on a brick wall] U...R... huh... How do you spell "not my friend"?
- SpongeBob: Oh, come on, we can work this out. We'll start a new life, just you, me, and this can of disinfectant spray. [sprays all around him, making a spray house] Come on in, Patrick. Here, let me take your coat for you. [takes off Patrick's coat, which reveals filth on his body]
- Patrick: No, thank you. [Pulls SpongeBob back toward him by the hand and takes back his coat] I happen to like my various smells and germs.
- SpongeBob: But being clean is so much better.
- Patrick: Well, says you. I like dirty.
- SpongeBob: Clean!
- Patrick: Dirty!
- SpongeBob: Clean!
- Harold: Excuse us, but we have a battle to re-enact.
- SpongeBob: Fine, if that's how it is, then [tears off Fred's red outfit] I am joining the other side!
- Patrick: [tears off Harold's blue outfit] Fine, me too!
- Harold: Ah, come on! Let's go play somewhere else.
- [cuts to Patrick looking through binoculars; SpongeBob sneaks up on him and gets his "nose"]
- SpongeBob: Ha! Got your nose!
- Patrick: Hey, give it back!
- SpongeBob: Not until you wash your hands!
- Patrick: Oh, yeah? Well [takes SpongeBob's eyes] I got your eyeballs! [giggles as he runs with them, but he soon sees that they are bombs, which squirt water out. SpongeBob gets eyeballs back and laughs.]
- [cuts to scene where Patrick forms into a cannon and he blasts his brain at Spongebob like a cannonball]
- SpongeBob: [screams] Eww, brain juice!
- Patrick: [puts brain back in his head] Do you give up yet?
- SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick [wipes himself off], but a filthy slob like you is no match for a clean-cut fellow like me.
- Patrick: Your pants are falling down.
- SpongeBob: Really?
- Patrick: I'll fix it. [Stretches SpongeBob's pants, filling it up with dirt, then yanks his underwear, making SpongeBob squish up with dirt]
- SpongeBob: Satisfied?
- Patrick: There, you look good now.
- SpongeBob: You could use a makeover, though. Ugh, look at those feet.
- Patrick: Why, what's wrong with them? [shows his feet are filthy (they just have one big toenail on each stubby leg)]
- SpongeBob: Don't worry, I'll take care of it. [attacks Patrick and starts doing a pedicure on his feet]
- Patrick: No! Not a pedicure!! [screams] No, no, not that, anything but tha--[screams] Nail Polish?! [shows his feet look better] You sick little monster, face my morning breath!!!
- [Patrick inhales deeply and then exhales foul breath, making SpongeBob break]
- SpongeBob: You, sir, could use some dental hygiene! [pulls out a toothbrush and toothpaste]
- Patrick: Who, me? My teeth are fine, see? [shows his teeth are nasty and decaying]
- SpongeBob: A little toothpaste, and you'll have teeth like mine. [shows SpongeBob's pearly white teeth. Patrick screams and runs away, with SpongeBob jumping on him and brushes his teeth] You gotta brush in little circles! [laughs]
- Patrick: [throws him off] Minty fresh! Taste pit, evildoer!! [Patrick's armpit hairs fly out to grab SpongeBob and rub him on Patrick's armpit, getting SpongeBob's face very filthy]
- SpongeBob: You're a stinky, stinky sea star. I think you could use a shot of...THIS!! [shows deodorant spray]
- Patrick: No! No, not...not deodorant! [SpongeBob sprays the can. Patrick screams and runs away, but the spray kills his hairs and the smell]
- Patrick: [sniffs his armpit] My beautiful pit stink, it's gone! The gloves are off now. [Takes his hand off to show a human hand] It's booger time!
- SpongeBob: Oh, booger, schmooger, you don't even have a nose.
- Patrick: Oh, yeah? [He clenches his face, and forms a nose. SpongeBob gasps, and Patrick picks his nose]
- SpongeBob: Ahhh, BOOGER!!! [screams and runs to the Krusty Krab, with Patrick behind him] Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold! [they run into the kitchen]
- Mr. Krabs: Gold? Heehee! [runs into the kitchen to find the gold, but comes out with nothing]
- Squidward: Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?
- Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.
- [cuts to the kitchen]
- Patrick: Ha! I got you now!
- SpongeBob: [looks around and sees a knife and 2 onions] Careful, Patrick, I got a weapon! [throws the 2 onions at Patrick's eyes]
- Patrick: [screams] Raw onions?!! [starts crying] That does it!! [picks up a Krabby Patty] See this?
- SpongeBob: A Krabby Patty? What are you gonna do, eat it?
- Patrick: Oh, I'm not going to eat it. [ pulls it apart and puts the Krabby Patty on his feet]
- SpongeBob: No, not Patty socks!!
- Patrick: That's right, your precious Patties on my stinky feet! [starts stomping around]
- SpongeBob: You better stop that!
- Patrick: [laughs] Stinky, little feet! [stomps and hops around]
- SpongeBob: [getting angry] Ergggg, YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!! [He turns red and inflates angrily]
- Patrick: Hoppin'... [SpongeBob blows up and sends Patrick flying] ..CLAAAAMS!!! [he lands in a dumpster and gets out] Hey, I got my filth back!
- SpongeBob: Not for long, Mr. Sticky-Shorts! You won't have your filth once I use this on you! [shows a soap bar and eats it]
- Patrick: [terrified] No, not soap! You wouldn't dare!
- SpongeBob: Try me!
- Patrick: [lifts up the dumpster] Stay back, I'll do it!
- SpongeBob: It's too late for that! [ SpongeBob breathes in deeply and starts shooting soap bubbles out of his craters at Patrick, while Patrick throws the dumpster at SpongeBob. The bubbles hit Patrick, and SpongeBob laughs in victory, only to have the dumpster fall on him]
- Patrick: [now clean] My beautiful filth! It's gone! I'm squeaky clean!!
- SpongeBob: [climbs out of dumpster and is quite filthy] I'm covered in muck and scum!!
- Patrick: Man! To get my filth back, I'll have to wallow in mud forever!
- SpongeBob: It'll take weeks for me to get clean. I'll need 20 baths a day!
- Patrick: Slather toe jam on my armpits?
- SpongeBob: I'll have to disinfect my eyeballs!
- Patrick: Smear slime on my teeth?
- SpongeBob: And dry-clean my uvula!
- [they think for a minute and then they giggle happily]
- Both: All right!
- SpongeBob: Now that I'm filthy, I can spend all day getting clean.
- Patrick: And since I'm clean, I can get even filthier! Thanks, SpongeBob! [shakes hands]
- SpongeBob: No, Patrick, thank you.
- Both: [they hug] You're my best friend ever!!
- Bill: Hey, what's going on here? This battle isn't over until we have a winner.
- SpongeBob: [philosophically] Fret not, my friend, for I have learned the truth. It matters not whether one is dirty or clean, for can cleanliness exist without filthiness, and would we know filthiness without cleanliness? We must not re-enact the history that divides us, rather we must embrace that which draws us together. All must be free to choose their own path. Right, friend Patrick?
- Patrick: Squeaky clean, squeaky, squeaky [rubs himself everywhere, making a squeaky sound]
- SpongeBob: [nods] Mmm-hmm, he has embraced the truth.
- Bill: Wow! I think the little yellow guy has taught us a valuable lesson.
- SpongeBob: And what is that, my son?
- Bill: That re-enacting battles is really lame! [talks to other fish] C'mon, guys, let's play something more manly, like football!
- Harold: Or hockey!
- Thaddeus: Or knitting fluffy sweaters!
- [All pause, and then run off, cheering]
- SpongeBob: Come, Patrick, my work here is done. [walks off into the sunset, with Patrick still rubbing his body]