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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Algae's Always Greener" from season 3, which aired on March 22, 2002.
- [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab with Old Man Walker walking into a pole.]
- Old Man Walker: Oh! Pardon me, young lady. [takes glasses off to get a better look] What a fox.
- [Old Man Walker walks over to Condiment Island, and puts a bottle of ketchup on his tray. Plankton is in the ketchup bottle]
- Plankton: [Makes an evil laugh] Ooh! [his machine detects a Krabby Patty, laughs evilly] You're all mine you sweet Krabby Patty. Ooh hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! [alarm goes off inside the ketchup bottle, buckles himself] Initiating launch sequence. [puts on a mask and zips his eye zipper closed, but unzips mouth zipper] Krabby Patty, here I come!
- Old Man Walker: [holding ketchup bottle unsteadily] Eh, eh... I hope I don't miss again. [Old Man Walker presses the bottle but he points the bottle forward, missing the patty and releasing Plankton]
- Plankton: Reunited, and it's gonna feel so good! [Unzips eye zipper, screams as he crashes through the wall. Squidward makes a shocked expression and he looks at the hole] D'oh!
- [Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs sitting at his desk, sweating and rubbing his eyes with money.]
- Mr. Krabs: [while rubbing his eyes with money] Ooh, ooh, ooh, sweet wampum. [Plankton bounces around his office] Huh! What's that? [hides under his desk for protection] Squidward, where are you? Shield me with your forehead!
- [Plankton finally lands right next to the desk, and Mr. Krabs picks him up.]
- Mr. Krabs: So, it was just another failed Krabby Patty theft attempt by my [close-up. He spits saliva at Plankton as he talks] arch-competitor, Plankton! [laughs] For a second there, I mistook you for a threat. But you're just a dirty little man. [flicks Plankton away] So long, shrimp!
- [An actual shrimp, who is exiting the Krusty Krab, hears him and turns around.]
- Plankton: [flies towards the Chum Bucket] Curse you, Mr. Krabs! [collides into the wall of the Chum Bucket] Ow! [lands on the ground] Ouch!
- [Bubble transition as Plankton walks into the Chum Bucket, sighing.]
- Karen: So, typical day of failure, I see, huh, darling?
- Plankton: Oh, can it, computer wife. Can't you see I'm exhausted? Why don't you go make yourself useful and synthesize me up some grub? [opens the fridge to get a can of soda]
- Karen: Yes, your majesty. [Holographic meatloaf appears on the table that Plankton's sitting at. Plankton sits at his table.]
- Plankton: What do we got here? [Uses his fork on the holographic meatloaf. Sarcastically speaks] Oh, goody. Holographic meatloaf again! [pounds the table, knocking the meatloaf off the table] When am I gonna get some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter, she's as big as a whale! I wish I could be successful like Mr. Krabs. [opens his can of soda that he got from his fridge] I wish I could somehow just switch lives with him. Just to know what it's like. [Drinks some soda]
- Karen: Then why don't you just use that "Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier" thing you built last Tuesday?
- [Plankton spits out his soda]
- Plankton: What a brilliant idea! Your parents must have been like, part computer or something.
- Karen: [sighs]
- [Bubble transition as Plankton already sat down in front of the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier.]
- Plankton: Now, let's see here. [A picture of a jellyfish shows up on the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier] No... [a dolphin appears] no... [a mermaid appears] no... [finally, a picture of a crab in the shape of Mr. Krabs shows up] A-ha! [Plankton is buckled up] Well, I hate to leave you, Karen, but you know what they say... a rolling stone gathers no algae. [Plankton presses a button, and then goes through a hole of space and time, screaming]
- [Plankton stops to get a drink of soda. He then starts screaming again as the camera fades to black and cuts to Plankton drooling on Mr. Krabs' desk]
- Plankton: Dear Neptune above, what happened last night? Huh, what's this? [Plankton picks up a name plate reading "Mr. Plankton" instead of "Mr. Krabs"] Mr. Plankton? [picks up a picture of Pearl] Who the Davey? [looks out the office windows and sees people eating Krabby Patties] Ehh... I'm in the Krusty Krab... and that means the life switcher was a success! The Krusty Krab is mine! [sees himself dressed like Mr. Krabs] Corporate casual!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Order up! Two deluxe Krabby Patties.
- Mr. Plankton: [Plankton's eye turns into a Krabby Patty] At last!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [SpongeBob delivers food to customer] There you are, sir. Two deluxe... [Plankton appears at the table] Ahoy there, Mr. Plankton.
- Mr. Plankton: Er, um, hey there, uh, SpongeBob. Uh, SpongeBob?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [Steam coming out of his mouth] Yes, sir?
- Mr. Plankton: I'm gonna need to take one of these Patties back to my office for um, bun inspection.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: I'm afraid you can't do that, Mr. Plankton!
- Mr. Plankton: Why- why not?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Because that Patty is for the customer, sir!
- Mr. Plankton: The customer? I'll boil the customer in hot oil, and rip out his— [SpongeBob's eyes point to Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson, who's the customer, to stop Plankton] I mean, yes, of course, for the lovely... customer.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [SpongeBob gives Plankton two Krabby Patties] But you can take these Patties, sir. I made them in the off chance that you'd decide to instigate some bun inspection today, Mr. Plankton, sir!
- Mr. Plankton: Uhh... yes, uh, very nice. Um, thanks. [runs back to his office] All mine, it's finally all mine! The Patties... [shows Mr. Plankton's rich wealth in his money vault] The wealth... [shows business award and Clams Magazine award frames on the wall] The notoriety! The... [sees SpongeBob in his office] SpongeBob, what do you want?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Well, it's just that it's Tuesday again, sir, and I was wondering if I could have my, um... weekly performance review!
- Mr. Plankton: Review?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Oh, yes, please, sir, please!
- Mr. Plankton: But I've never reviewed anything... except those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Oh, please, sir! I want to make you so happy and proud!
- Mr. Plankton: Eh, you're doing fine. Now leave me to my work. [kisses one of the two Krabby Patties]
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: But, sir!
- Mr. Plankton: I thought I sent you away, cretin!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: But, sir, there's gotta be something I need to improve on. Anything!
- Mr. Plankton: All right, the sauce.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [gasps] Wh-what?
- Mr. Plankton: The sauce. I don't know. You're using too much sauce, okay? Review's over.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [eyes squint, nose droops, mouth shrinks. Jerkily moves arms forward and back each time he stutters...] Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
- Mr. Plankton: What?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
- Mr. Plankton: What's the matter with you? All I said was "A little too much sauce." It's no big deal, really.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
- Mr. Plankton: What do you want from me, a promotion?!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [SpongeBob's face changes back to normal] A pro- a promot- a promotion?!
- Mr. Plankton: Uh, sure, kid, you're uh... you're on register now.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [gasps excitedly] Register! [he explodes. Plankton gets back to the Krabby Patties]
- Mr. Plankton: Glad that's over. [Kisses the same Krabby Patty]
- Alternate-Universe Squidward: [Squidward standing at the cash register reading a book, when he realizes that SpongeBob is standing right next to him] SpongeBob, do you remember that little talk we had about "personal space"?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. I'm official, look!
- Alternate-Universe Squidward: [SpongeBob points out his badge that says "Co-Cashier"] Co-Cashier?!
- Mr. Plankton: [Plankton is sitting at a table with the two Krabby Patties.] So, have you two known each other long? [Candle suddenly extinguishes by itself as the door opens suddenly] Huh?
- Alternate-Universe Squidward: [Squidward storms into Mr. Plankton's office] You can't do this to me, Mr. Plankton! If you think I'm going to stand out there all day listening to... [Cuts to SpongeBob, whose mouth splits in two while SpongeBob talks rubbish]
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... [cuts back to Squidward]
- Alternate-Universe Squidward: …then you must have coral wedged in your frontal lobe!
- Mr. Plankton: So what do you want me to do about it?
- Alternate-Universe Squidward: I'd like my view to be a little less yellow, if you know what I mean.
- Mr. Plankton: [Squidward's now the fry cook, standing in front of the grill] Hope you like gray. [Hops off the window between the cashier stand and the grill]
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, I can see you through this little window! [Alternate-Universe Squidward groans.]
- Mr. Plankton: [Mr. Plankton heads back to his office] Now, no more intrusions! I'd like to begin writing the memoirs of my success story, so everyone just stay the—
- Pearl Plankton: [runs inside the Alternate-Universe Krusty Krab. Mr. Plankton is being bounced up and down as she runs in.] Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! [jumps up and down, making him bounce again]
- Mr. Plankton: Just tell Daddy what you want! Oof! He's very busy!
- Pearl Plankton: Could I please have a um... an advance on my allowance?
- Mr. Plankton: If it'll get you out of my antennae. [Plankton gives Pearl a one dollar bill] Go crazy.
- Pearl Plankton: $1?! You hate me! [Pearl begins to cry. Mr. Plankton gasps at the closeup of the enormous tears. Mr. Plankton attempts to dodge all of the tears, but a drop ends up landing in his mouth, making him a circle]
- Mr. Plankton: [falls over] Ow!
- Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson: [walks out and angrily flattens Plankton, getting all of the tears out] You!
- Mr. Plankton: Me?
- Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson: You think this is funny?
- Mr. Plankton: In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
- Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson: Well, Mr. Funny Man, is this how you get your sick kicks?! [Alternate-Universe Nat Peterson shows Mr. Plankton a Krabby Patty]
- Mr. Plankton: What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-- [Scene zooms in to show the patty made with gross-out items like wood, an eyeball and more] Oh, my goodness! Squidward!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [Alternate-Universe SpongeBob appears at the table, next to Mr. Plankton] I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did.
- Mr. Plankton: Oh, what now?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! [Repeatedly screams out "Soiled it!" for a very long time]
- Mr. Plankton: I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post! [Mr. Plankton pushes his hand is Alternate-Universe SpongeBob's chest, in hopes that he'll stop] Where's the off button on this thing?
- Pearl Plankton: [Pearl Plankton walks up to Mr. Plankton] Okay, Daddy. I've decided I'm gonna run away! Run away and find a new daddy!
- Mr. Plankton: Make it stop! [A siren horn then goes off and then everyone becomes silent, including Alternate-Universe SpongeBob] What, did I say the secret word?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: No, sir, he's back.
- Mr. Plankton: Who's back? What? [something red flashes by] What was that?!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [An alarm sounds] Man your stations! Red alert! Red alert! Take cover! [All the Alternate-Universe customers scream, and run to take cover]
- Mr. Plankton: [he runs in circles] Take cover from what?!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [Alternate-Universe SpongeBob's up in the crow's nest searching for him] He's around here somewhere. [Alternate-Universe SpongeBob sees the red flash by once again] There he goes!
- Mr. Plankton: What? Who? Where? Somebody tell me!
- Alternate-Universe Harold Bill Reginald Scott: Some say he crawled out from the lowest trench in the ocean.
- Pearl Plankton: He's the saltiest of all the sea dogs.
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: He's the most hated creature in Bikini Bottom. [The red flash then bursts out of the kitchen and we then see it is Krabs holding a Krabby Patty while swinging on a rope]
- Krabs: [Finishes his introduction to the audience.] And he's finally got a Krabby Patty! Ar, ar, ar, ar!
- Mr. Plankton: Krabs?! What the barnacles is going on here?!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: It's your arch competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant!
- Mr. Plankton: That's terrible!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Yeah! But the worst part is...
- [Krabs lands behind Plankton, and casts a shadow in front of Alternate-Universe SpongeBob. Shows a Dutch-angle, low-angle shot of naked Mr. Krabs and Mr. Plankton is surprised.]
- Mr. Plankton: [looking at Krabs] Good grief, he's naked! [A part of Krabs then glints]
- Krabs: [Laughs as he swings up onto a board on a support beam above] Clothe me if you can, silly landlubbers!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: I'm gonna make you eat those words, Krabs! [The cash register spins upside down, and turns into a place where a cannon is located. Alternate-Universe SpongeBob shoots a green shirt out of the cannon at Krabs, but Krabs dodges the shirt and runs somewhere else in the Alternate-Universe Krusty Krab while laughing.] No shirt, no shoes... no service! [SpongeBob shoots all the other clothes out of the cannon at Krabs, but all of them miss. Mr. Plankton looks at the viewers in bafflement.]
- Krabs: Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar! [Krabs stops laughing, as he realizes that a bra has caught him and he looks at the viewers after he got caught.] Aw, ya got me! Well, at least it's underwire. Here's your stinkin' Patty! [Krabs throws the Krabby Patty back to Mr. Plankton]
- Mr. Plankton: [catches the Krabby Patty] I don't understand. Is there a gas leak in here?
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: Knick-knack, the Patty's back! You did it, Mr. Plankton. Victory screech! [Alternate-Universe SpongeBob and all the other Alternate-Universe customers start screeching, except for Mr. Plankton, who's hearing all that screeching.]
- Krabs: Enjoy your victory screech, Plankton, because someday the Krabby Patty formula will be mine!
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: You'll never get this formula, you twisted fiend!
- Krabs: Oh, but I will! Even if I have to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day... [Mr. Plankton's red pupil from his yellow eye shrinks and starts sweating as he starts to become scared] And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, [Krabs leaves the Alternate-Universe Krusty Krab, walking backwards.] and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
- Alternate-Universe SpongeBob: [Alternate-Universe SpongeBob hands Mr. Plankton a phone] Phone call, Mr. Plankton.
- Krabs: [On the phone] And the next day, and the next day, [Mr. Plankton sweats] and the next day, and the next day...
- Mr. Plankton: [screams out of madness, then rips off his clothes and becomes the old Plankton again] It's not worth it! It's just not worth it! Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy.
- [Plankton presses the button for the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier. He ends up back in the Chum Bucket. Holographic meatloaf is on the table.]
- Plankton: Holographic meatloaf? My favorite!
- [Plankton starts eating the holographic meatloaf, and is happy again as the episode ends.]