This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "That's No Lady" from season 4, which aired on November 25, 2006.
- [The episode opens with Patrick running around and giggling in the street.]
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: [off-screen] Hey! [Patrick stops and looks around] Hey, you there!
- Patrick: Who? Me?
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Yes, you! [screams in Patrick's face] Get outta town!
- [Patrick screams and runs away. The salesfish scratches his head in confusion, then shrugs his shoulders. He turns to Incidental 155 who walks by.]
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Get outta town! And take a vacation to beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort. [hands Incidental 155 a flyer. Another fish walks up] Here ya go, sir. [hands him a flyer. The fish reads it. The scene cuts to Patrick running up to SpongeBob's house and opening the door]
- Patrick: I gotta get out of town!
- [SpongeBob hands him a glass of lemonade from the tray he was holding]
- Patrick: Oh, thanks, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Sure, Patrick, ya...
- Patrick: [screams and looks through the blinds on the window] I gotta get going! He told me to!
- SpongeBob: Who did?
- Patrick: Uhh, well, uhh... hmmm, I'm not sure. But he had a briefcase.
- SpongeBob: Ahh, a briefcase?! He might be a paid assassin!
- [Both Patrick and SpongeBob start to scream in terror]
- SpongeBob: But, Patrick, you can't go! Not like this! Who will go with me to the next jellyfisherman's expo?! [shows a picture of the two at one of the exposes]
- Patrick: It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is set. [sobbing]
- SpongeBob: Unset it, please unset it!
- [Both Patrick and SpongeBob bawl and wail. Patrick walks over to SpongeBob's kitchen counter and sets a suitcase on it to start packing.]
- Patrick: I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. [puts two pairs of SpongeBob's pants into the suitcase] My clothes.
- SpongeBob: Umm, Patrick, those are my clothes.
- Patrick: [packs up a bunch of peanut butter] My peanut butter!
- SpongeBob: That's my peanut butter.
- Patrick: And my pickles! [stuffs a bunch of pickles into the suitcase and closes it, then falls on top of it sobbing]
- SpongeBob: I can't believe you're leaving, Patrick. [cries] With all my pickles!
- Patrick: [heading for the door with the suitcase] It's the end of me being here.
- SpongeBob: Wait! Stop! What about all our plans? [pulls out a list] 8:00am - Wake up Patrick, 9:00am - Eat Kelpo with Patrick, 10:00am - Brush teeth with Patrick, 1:00pm - Stare at Patrick. Who's gonna do all that with me?
- Patrick: I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Patrick Star will live no more, forever... in Bikini Bottom.
- SpongeBob: [gets an idea] But... what if you weren't Patrick Star?
- Patrick: Oh, no. I'm not Patrick Star?
- SpongeBob: You are Patrick Star, but you won't be for long.
- Patrick: Huh?
- [The scene cuts to SpongeBob putting a visor over Patrick's eyes]
- SpongeBob: There ya go, Patrick. No one will know it's you.
- [Patrick looks in a mirror, screams at his reflection, then runs out of the pineapple through the wall, leaving a star-shaped hole. The part of the wall he took with him falls off and he collapses.]
- SpongeBob: [gasps, then runs to Patrick] Patrick, you okay?
- [Larry walks past.]
- Larry: Hey guys! Yo, Patrick, cool shades.
- SpongeBob: Well, Pat, that disguise didn't work. We're gonna have to try harder.
- Patrick: [takes off the visor] Yeah, well, thanks, old SpongeBob, for your help. It was a noble effort but alas, all in vain, it's no use. I must leave. [holds out his arms and runs past SpongeBob, who had his arms out to hug him, to pet a rock] Goodbye, rock. Goodbye, coral. [hugs a coral branch, but pieces stick to him] Yow! [holds a few strands of seaweed] Goodbye, seaweed.
- SpongeBob: Too bad we couldn't come up with a better costume. [looks at the seaweed] Hmmm...
- Patrick: Goodbye, sky.
- [SpongeBob walks up to Patrick and puts some seaweed on his head]
- SpongeBob: That's it. With the seaweed on your head, you could be a...
- Patrick: Oh, I know, I know! I could be Mr. Seaweed Monster Man. And live happily forever after in Bikini Bottom.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, there already is a Mr. Seaweed Monster Man.
- [Scroll over to a monster with seaweed all over his hair and chest]
- Seaweed monster: Hey!
- Patrick: Darn!
- SpongeBob: It's okay, Patrick. So you can't be a monster. But that vegetation on your head gives me an idea of what you can be.
- [Scene cuts to inside a clothing store]
- SpongeBob: You're all set. Come on out, Patrick.
- [Patrick walks out from behind a curtain wearing a yellow-green skirt and top, red lipstick, and a blonde wig with pigtails. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street.]
- Fish #2: Hi, SpongeBob. And hello, lady. [tips his hat to Patrick]
- SpongeBob: The disguise is working, Patrick... I mean, Patricia.
- [Both SpongeBob and Patrick giggle. Larry walks up to them.]
- Larry: SpongeBob, you never told me you had a girlfriend.
- Patrick: Oh, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm Pat...
- SpongeBob: [quickly] ...tricia. Pat-ricia. Patricia! [laughs]
- Larry: Bro, your girlfriend is not ugly.
- [Patrick giggles.]
- SpongeBob: Actually, Larry, she's not my girlfriend, she's just a...
- Larry: It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me.
- SpongeBob: But she's not my girlfriend.
- Larry: I don't know why you're standing here talking to me when you could be talking to your girlfriend.
- SpongeBob: C'mon, Patricia. [grabs Patrick's hand and walks off]
- Patrick: Bye.
- Larry: Congratulations on the new girlfriend, dude!
- Mr. Krabs: [angrily runs up] SpongeBob! This is not the time for Sunday Stroll. It's time for work. [puts SpongeBob's hat on his head]
- SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, the Krusty Krab doesn't open for another two hours.
- Mr. Krabs: [hands SpongeBob a spatula] There be no such thing as opening too early, me boy. Excuse us, miss. Huh? [looks back at Patrick. Sparkles form by Patrick's head and Mr. Krabs' eyes explode from seeing the beauty] SpongeBob, who's your friend?
- SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, this is Patricia.
- Mr. Krabs: [eyes inflate back to normal] Patricia. The most beautiful sound I've ever seen. SpongeBob, do we need any more help down at the Krusty Krab?
- SpongeBob: No.
- Mr. Krabs: We do? Great, she can start right away. [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, where Squidward is reading the newspaper until he hears the door open]
- Squidward: He- [looks surprised when he sees Patrick, then smiles and leans over the cash register] And who are you, my rubenesque beauty?
- Mr. Krabs: That's Patricia, our newest Krusty Krab employee.
- Squidward: Well, she sure is stunning.
- [Patrick is picking his nose]
- Mr. Krabs: [sternly] Just keep your eyes on the customers, Mr. Squidward. [walks off. Patrick is cleaning off a table until Squidward walks up to him]
- Squidward: Hi, Patricia. I drew this for you. [hands him a piece of paper] Likeness is uncanny, if I do say so myself.
- [On the piece of paper is a self-drawing of Squidward in pencil. A woman's scream is heard off-screen in horror of the picture.]
- Patrick: Uhh, thank you, Squidward.
- [Mr. Krabs comes out of the kitchen with two trays of food, one in each hand]
- Mr. Krabs: Order up, Miss Patricia.
- Patrick: Excuse me, Squidward. [eats the drawing, burps then walks off]
- Mr. Krabs: [hands Patrick both trays] This order goes to table 7 and remember your manners.
- [Patrick walks up to a table with the number seven on it]
- Patrick: [struggles to read the number] Forty... thirty...
- Mr. Krabs: That's a 7, Patricia. [is sitting at the table]
- Patrick: Mr. Krabs, you ordered two Krusty meals?
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Did I order two meals? Oh, silly me. I can't possibly eat two Krusty meals, myself. [spreads a table cloth, with a radio, on the table] I guess you'll just have to help me finish all this food.
- Patrick: Okay. [sits down]
- [Mr. Krabs pushes a button and some music plays]
- Mr. Krabs: Patricia, we may have only known each other for a short time, now, but I feel like a special connection has been made.
- [Patrick eats tablecloth, Krusty Meals, candle, and radio, then belches loudly]
- SpongeBob: Quite an appetite, but she's all woman.
- [Scene cuts to Patrick walking in the kitchen with two orders. Squidward plays a soothing song on his clarinet. He scoots closer to Patrick and puts his arm around him.]
- Squidward: Eh? Ya know, Patricia, they don't call me the 'Sizzle Lips Squid' for nothing.
- [Patrick tries to leave the kitchen, but Squidward stops him]
- Squidward: So, are you free this Saturday night?
- Patrick: No, that's the night SpongeBob and I are having a staring contest.
- Squidward: SpongeBob?!
- Mr. Krabs: [using a megaphone] Get back to work, you gold-bricking freeloader. Hut two, hut two, yah, yah! [Squidward runs off] And don't come back until all those patties are krabby! [throws the megaphone away] Well, now that we're alone, how would you like to be my date Friday night to a...
- Patrick: Well, I can't. SpongeBob and I will be flying submarines that night. I have to get back to Krusting the Krab. [walks off] Man, why are those two so nice to me? They were never this nice to Patrick. It's weird. [opens the cabinet in front of him and notices Squidward inside the shelf]
- Squidward: Are you sure about Saturday night?
- [Patrick closes the cabinet]
- Patrick: Persistent bunch. [turns on the faucet, but Mr. Krabs peeks his head out of the faucet head]
- Mr. Krabs: How about Sunday brunch?
- Patrick: No thanks, again! [turns the knob again and Mr. Krabs' head disappears as the water flows out. He walks over to the toaster where Squidward's head pops up]
- Squidward: But I made reservations for two at...
- Patrick: I said no.
- [Patrick presses the lever down, making Squidward's head sink back into the toaster. Scene cuts to Patrick lifting up the fryer, where Mr. Krabs' head is.]
- Patrick: No.
- [Scene cuts to Patrick using the water hose on the floor when Squidward's head pops out from a hole on the ground]
- Patrick: No way.
- [Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs in a water cooler dispenser]
- Patrick: No.
- [Scene cuts to Squidward in the toilet]
- Patrick: No.
- [Scene cuts to Patrick in the middle of the Krusty Krab]
- Patrick: No! [Patrick walks into the kitchen] What is it about me that makes those two so friendly? It must have something to do with this disguise. I can't wear this any longer.
- SpongeBob: But if you reveal your secret identity, you'll have to leave Bikini Bottom!
- Patrick: Well, I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.
- [Patrick opens the door to the dining room of the Krusty Krab. All the customers look up and greet him excitedly.]
- Fancy dandy fish: The lovely Patricia [blows a kiss] has returned to us!
- Patrick: I have an announcement to make. The entire day that I've worked here I've wanted to say... [is struck speechless when he notices the salesfish from the beginning has entered the Krusty Krab] Um-um-um-uh... [sees the salesfish sit down at a table] I've wanted to say that, uhh, th-that... [nervously twirls one of his pigtails, presses his hands together, and scratches his head and arm] That I will eat any leftovers you leave on your plate! [smiles and walks away]
- Customers: [confused] Huh?
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Ahoy, waitress, aren't you gonna take my order?
- Patrick: I'll be right there, sir.
- SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
- Patrick: That's the guy with the briefcase. The guy who's trying to run me out of town.
- SpongeBob: [gasps] The assassin!
- Patrick: [walks up to the salesfish] What can I get you, sir?
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
- Patrick: No!
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Hmmm... that's it! Get outta town!
- Patrick: He's onto us.
- SpongeBob: I won't let you do it. You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town.
- Squidward and Mr. Krabs: Patrick?!
- Sunny Seashores Salesfish: You forgot your flyer. [hands them one of his flyers]
- SpongeBob: [reading flyer] "Get outta town! To beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort." Look, this guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price.
- Patrick: Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore.
- [Patrick rips off his disguise. Everyone gasps while Squidward's eyes shrink in horror.]
- Squidward: Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
- Mr. Krabs: So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a woman?
- Patrick: No.
- Mr. Krabs: Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so. [sadly walks off]
- SpongeBob: Hey, buddy, what do you say we go home and get started on this list?
- [Patrick and SpongeBob look at list and gasp at what is on it.]
- Patrick and SpongeBob: Yahoo!