TV or Not TV/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "TV or Not TV" from season 4, which aired on April 11, 2025.

[The episode opens to the Star house at night. The sun breaks through the moon like glass as the time turns to day.]
Cecil: [wakes up in bed] Oh, boy. Today's the day. [to Bunny] Psst! Honey. Are you awake?
Bunny: [wakes up on other side of bed] You betcha! I was too excited to sleep!
Cecil: Me, too. [zoom out to reveal the bed in the living room] I'm so excited [literally rips off his covers to reveal him fully clothed] I slept in my clothes!
Bunny: [inhales, blows off her covers] Me, too! And, to give us a jump start on the day, I moved our bed to the living room! [zoom out to reveal Patrick and Squidina on the sofa watching TV]
Cecil: Good thinking, hon.
Sir Urchin: [on TV] Why, you!
Snail Fail: [on TV] What'd I do?
Cecil: [he and Bunny sit up in front of the TV] Kids, today is a special day.
Bunny: A magical day.
Cecil: A day that comes but once a year.
Squidina: [as Patrick eats popcorn; bored] Dad, can you move?
Cecil: [looks at his watch] Goodness gracious, you're right! [he and Bunny get out of the bed and kick it away] We better move! [he and Bunny embrace each other] We don't want to miss one precious minute of... [pulls down a string as a banner with the words "Spend Time With One of Your Kids Day opens and confetti appears] Spend Time With One of Your Kids Day!
Squidina: [bored] Oh, right. [she and Patrick scoot to the left; pats empty seat] Still plenty of room on the couch.
Cecil: Oh, no, we're not spending TV time together. We're spending quality time together. Away from the TV.
Patrick: [nervously gulps] Away? From TV?
Cecil: [picks up Patrick and Squidina with his arms wrapped around them] Come on, it'll be fun!
Patrick: [as Cecil takes him away] But dad!
Squidina: Let's talk about this! [her and Patrick's eyes say in place, stretching; Bunny pushes them ahead]
Patrick: It's a marathon!
Squidina: Our show's on!
Patrick: Quality television!
Squidina: Be reasonable! [Bunny closes the door as they go outside]
[A TV with Sir Urchin and Snail Fail on the screen passes by as the scene changes to a run-down area of town.]
Bunny: [walking in town with a sulking Patrick] Oh, gosh. I haven't been to this part of town since I was a little girl.
Patrick: [sees that Sir Urchin and Snail Fail are playing on the display TVs] Huh? [turns his head around, laughs]
Bunny: [pulls Patrick along by the back of his shirt] Come on, sweetie. We're almost there! I'm taking you to a lovely little parlor that I used to visit with my mom when I was your age.
Patrick: Parlor? Sounds boring.
[Cut to the logo of Dusty's Tattoo Parlor, which is on the wall of the parlor. A muscular man with many tattoos is getting tattooed, and Patrick is looking at a book of tattoos while Bunny gets a tattoo.
Tattoo artist: Almost done with your commemorative bicep tattoo, lady. But, uh... [close-up of the tattoo, which is of Bunny and Patrick each giving a thumbs up, with the text "Patrick's 1st Tattoo; A Very Special Day] whaddaya want I should put in your son's tattoo area? [points to the empty spot on Patrick's arm]
Bunny: That depends on what Patrick gets for his tattoo. What did you pick, sweetie?
Patrick: [still looking at the book] Hmmm... [zoom into a TV tattoo in the book; points to it] Oh! I choose this one!
Tattoo artist: Excellent choice. [sits on a stool and brings out a tray of tattoo supplies] I remember my first tattoo. Hurt like the dickens.
Patrick: [pupils turn into needles, which pop his eyeballs]
Tattoo artist: Okay, let's see your arm. [puts together the tattoo needle] Huh? [bubbles form in the shape of Patrick running away]
Patrick: [hides in the buff man's large beard, whimpering]
Bunny: Oh, what's the matter? My little sweetie afraid of needles?
Patrick: [afraid] Uh-huh.
Tattoo artist: [rubs beard] Well, uh... [picks up a stick-on tattoo of a TV] we do have stick-on tattoos.
Patrick: [emerges from the beard] I'll take it! [transition to him having the tattoo on his arm] It's beautiful. [turns on the tattoo TV, which shows Sir Urchin and Snail Fail; laughs]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: What'd I do?
Bunny: [turns the tattoo TV off with her tattoo remote]
Patrick: Aww.
[A fishing rod hooks the screen as it wipe transitions to Cecil and Squidina are in a boat. Cecil is using a fishing rod.]
Cecil: [retracts his hook] There. Y'see that, Squidina? That's the way you do it. [swings fishing rod back and takes Squidina's fishing hat off] Rear back... let 'em fly!
Squidina: [bored] Rear back and let 'er fly. [hangs head back] Got it.
Cecil: [holds out the fishing rod] Here ya go, pumpkin!
Squidina: [takes the fishing rod] Dad, can't we just buy something to eat? You know, like normal people?
Cecil: Normal people don't get to enjoy the taste of lunch caught fresh with your old man. Besides, there's-- [his fishing rod has caught something] Whoop! [cranks fishing rod] Speak of the devil. Looks like we got a live one. [yanks the fishing rod to fish a Krabby Patty] Oh-ho! Well, well, well! One Krabby Patty for the lady. [gives Squidina the Krabby Patty; zoom out to reveal them on top of the Krusty Krab]
Squidina: [rolls eyes] Okay, I guess I'll try.
Cecil: Attagirl!
Squidina: [fishes inside the pipe, which drops inside the building and onto the floor]
Customer #1: [sits down to see an empty tray; to Customer #2] Hey, man, have you seen my Krabby Patty?
Customer #2: [eating a patty, shakes head] Mm-mm.
Customer #1: Aww.
Bubble Bass: [sitting at a table with a tray of several patties] Ha-ha! How sad. You foolishly only ordered one patty whilst I amassed dozens. [the fishing hook takes away the tray of several patties] My-- my patties! [gets on top of the table] They've been pilfered by some poltroon! [screams and shakes the table] Help!
Customer #2: [sips his drink]
Squidina: [with the tray of several patties] Okay, I think I'm getting the hang of this. [gives a smug look]
[As Bubble Bass looks under his table, the hook returns and grabs the TV from its pole. Bubble Bass looks back, and Squidina reels in the TV.]
Squidina: Oh, yeah! Now we're talkin'. [turns on the TV, lounges, and starts eating a patty]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: What'd I do?
Cecil: [uses a pair of scissors to cut the TV from the fishing rod's hook]
Bubble Bass: [thinking] Hmm. [the TV crushes his head; turns on the TV]
Snail Fail: What'd I do?
[Cut to the mall. Patrick is picking out a new shirt and takes one with Sir Urchin and Snail Fail on it.]
Patrick: [sadly sighs and puts the shirt back]
Bunny: [takes a cowboy outfit from a rack, gasps] Here, hon. Try these on, too. [throws clothes at Patrick, who shakes most of it off] Was there ever a better mommy-son activity than back-to-school shopping?
Patrick: [talking through a boot] But, I don't go to school.
Bunny: Oh, hush now. Come on, let's see if they fit. [laughs]
Cecil: [walking with Squidina on the other side of the wall] You're gonna love this next activity.
Squidina: Yeah? What's the plan?
Cecil: No plan. But I'm sure something new and exciting will jump out at us. [something crashes off-screen, making them yelp]
[The Chum Bucket is seen in the mall's wall, with a banners that say "Make-A-Chum Workshop: Grand Opening."]
Cecil: New and exciting! Let's go! [walks to the workshop while taking Squidina by the arm; they enter] Wow!
Squidina: [bored, looks at the stuffed animals and sees Plankton inside a teddy bear]
Plankton: Welcome to a brand new [steps down from the shelf] create-your-own stuffed animal experience at the Make-A-Chum workshop!
Squidina: [sniffs] Smells like the Chum Bucket to me.
Karen: [enters] Ugh. Plankton, I told you this was no way to get rid of expired chum. [gestures to giant glass sphere filled with chum]
Plankton: Criticize quieter, Karen! [laughs nervously]
Bunny: [off-screen] Oh, Squidina! Look at [picks up a sea bear stuffed animal] this little cutie. I'm gonna name you Metrelda.
Plankton: [stands on the stuffed sea bear] Beautiful name! Now let's chum this chum!
[Cecil places the stuffed sea bear on a nozzle as Plankton jumps down to a lever.]
Plankton: [chuckles and pulls the lever] I'm a genius.
[The stuffed sea bear starts to fill with the chum.]
Karen: [backs away] To avoid the obvious criminal implications, I'll be in screen saver mode. [presses a red button on her monitor and lays her head on the counter in screen saver mode]
Cecil: [takes some small clothes from the clothing rack] Come on, let's pick out some accessories for Matrelda. [puts on a fake tiara]
Squidina: [looks back and forth between a stuffed animal that looks like her and Cecil; takes the stuffed animal] Okay, Dad. [puts her glasses on the stuffed animal] I'll be right there.
[Wipe transition to Bunny on a seat with a camera.]
Bunny: Okay, Patrick, let's see how you look in that suit.
[The dressing room door opens as Patrick, in a full knight outfit, moves forward.]
Bunny: Oh, that's a keeper. [touches the suit's foot] Wiggle your toe, hon. We wanna make sure you have plenty of room to grow. [hears Patrick giggling] Patrick? [looks inside through the knight suit's head]
Patrick: [giggles while watching TV in his underwear inside the suit]
Bunny: Patrick!
Patrick: [flails, tries to cover the TV with his hands] Uh-oh.
Bunny: [takes the TV out from the knight suit's butt, making the suit break]
Patrick: Aww.
[Cut back to Cecil taking a top from the clothing rack.]
Cecil: How about this little number, Squidina? [the stuffed Squidina squeaks] Not feeling it. Okay.
Squidina: [goes over to Karen to turn her on to watch TV, gasps] Yes! TV!
[The stuffed sea bear continues to be filled with chum, and is about to explode.]
Cecil: [holding up bottoms] How about some knickerbockers and [holds a pair of pointy boots] pointy boots?
[Squidina's glasses fall off the stuffed animal.]
Cecil: [gasps] You're not Squidina! [looks around to see the real Squidina watching TV] Squidina, what did I tell you about watching T-- [gasps as he sees the stuffed sea bear about to burst]
Plankton: [notices the stuffed sea bear] Thar she blows! [cannonballs into the stuffed animal pile]
[The stuffed sea bear explodes, sending chum everywhere. The screen fades to black, and Squidina and Cecil are sent sliding backwards with chum on them. Squidina sits on a bench Patrick is already on.]
Bunny: Oh! Now what do we do?
Cecil: I don't know, Bunny. We just wanted Spend Time With One of Your Kids Day to be perfect. But these kids don't want to do any of our activities. [whimpers]
Squidina: [nudges Patrick] Look, Patrick. Dad's mouth is doing that thing.
Cecil: [mouth contorts]
Patrick: [pulling the string of his umbrella hat; Squidina opens an umbrella over her head] Here it comes.
[Cecil begins to sob, sending a stream of tears as he is sent around the mall, into a fountain, on the second floor while running into people, then comes back around front.]
Squidina: Uh... Well... The day's not over. [closes umbrella] We can still make it perfect. We just have to find the right activity.
[Cecil continues sobbing past Squidina, and enters a room.]
Squidina: Virtual Reality Hut? Great idea, Dad! [the rest of them enter the room] Now you can spend time with both your kids! [the room turns on, and a suit forms around Patrick's body]
Patrick: Guh!
[Suits form around Bunny, Squidina, and Cecil. A cable attaches to Patrick and lifts him up as he screams.]
Patrick: [grabs a VR headset] Oh, boy! Face TV! [puts on the headset]
Squidina: [laughing as she is lifted up along with the others] Whoa!
Cecil: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
Patrick: [laughs as his body is digitalized into the virtual reality world] Whoa! I'm all digitalicized! [polygon hearts appear around him; Squidina is put into the world] Squidina, [in the real world, takes off headset] are you you? [puts the headset back on]
Squidina: [chuckles, waves] I'm me, alright!
Patrick: [points in the real world] You are you!
Squidina: [brings up a body customization menu] Or am I? [she turns into a purple recolor of SpongeBob; imitates SpongeBob's walk] I'm ready!
Patrick: [laughs] Good one, Squidward.
[Bunny and Cecil enter the virtual world.]
Squidina: Welcome to virtual reality, Stars!
Cecil: [points at Squidina] What have you done with my daughter, Sponge Boy?
Squidina: [opens up the menu again to change her back to normal]
Cecil: Oh.
Bunny: What in Neptune's name is going on here?
Patrick: [laughing as he uses the menu to turn himself into a triple gooberry sunrise, a dinosaur, a jellyfish, Pat-Tron, a toaster and toast, the Flying Dutchman, a kite, DNA, himself with two heads, and a lamp; turns himself on] This is so much fun!
Cecil: Hmm. Two can play that game. [uses the menu to make his legs extend] Oh! Wow! [struts his long legs, then uses the menu to turn himself into a rocket, then flies into the air] Whoopie! [waving] Hey, look at me, kids!
Patrick: [gives a thumbs-up] Really cool, Dad!
Bunny: [using the menu] Better watch out, Cecil! [turns herself into an alien, then is inside a UFO] I'm coming for ya! [chases after rocket Cecil in the UFO]
Cecil: [yelling as Bunny chases him in the real world]
Bunny: This is so neat! You can build anything you can imagine!
Squidina: [to Patrick] You thinking what I'm thinking?
Patrick: [inside his brain, he is thinking of a sentient ice cream cone using him like a wheelbarrow as they laugh] You better believe it.
Squidina: Okay, follow my lead.
[Walls emerge around the world, and a ceiling forms. Patrick and Squidina create new objects in the world.]
Bunny: [turns herself back to normal] Ha-ha-ha! Ooh! What are these two making here? [a sofa forms from underneath her]
Bunny and Cecil: Whoa!
[Patrick and Squidina join the couch as it fully forms. The textures for the world begin to render, revealing that they are in an exact replica of the Star house's living room.]
Cecil: How'd you kids come up with all this?
Bunny: You two are so imaginative! [she pinches Patrick's cheek as Cecil rubs Squidina's head]
Patrick: [grabs a remote to turn the virtual world TV on]
[Snail Fail hits Sir Urchin with a green hollow cube.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: What'd I do?
Cecil: [they all relax] See, kids? Isn't this better than just staying at home and watching TV?
Patrick and Squidina: [look at each other] It sure is.