This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Swaptoberfest" from season 3, which aired on December 6, 2024.
- [Patrick is in bed, snoring, and wearing red sleepwear. A rooster crows, and he jumps up.]
- Patrick: Wahoo! [camera rotates, he jumps out of bed and out of his sleepwear, mechanical hands put his clothes on] Yes! [laughs, bounces on his head to an upside-down calendar]
- [A picture of Finley is shown on the top of the calendar. The dates marked on the Swaptober calendar are a drawing of Patrick on the 4th, Ouchie's birthday on the 5th, a sleepover with SpongeBob on the 11th, Squidina's rehearsal on the 16th, Tinkle's bath on the 19th, GrandPat's bath on the 20th, and Swaptoberfest on the 30th. The camera zooms in on the 30th.]
- Patrick: [off-screen] It's Swaptoberfest!
- Patrick, Cecil, Bunny, and Squidina: [hopping on their heads into the kitchen] Swap! Swap! Swap! Swap! Swap!
- GrandPat: [walks in normally, folds arms] Oh, I hate this stupid holiday. I don't want to be any of [points] you people.
- Bunny: Too bad! [jumps right-side up] Swaptoberfest is an important part of my Klopnodian heritage, and it's all thanks to my [flashback to Klopnod, where a fish is winding a tool that has a crank and a boot at the end] ancient ancestor, Finley!
- Finley: [laughing]
- Gertruden: [towers over him] Oy! [puts hands on hips] Finley steal my [tool shines] shloimper-doink?
- Finley: [jumps, hides it behind back] Heh-heh-heh. Yes, Finley did. But! [holds up finger, glances over] I am not Finley. [runs up to an old man with a clam perched on his finger] Today, Scaley is Finley. [puts his clothes on Scaley and takes his beard]
- Scaley: Eh?
- Finley: [pushes Scaley to Gertruden] And Finley is Scaley.
- Gertruden: [grabs him by the neck and raises a fist] You took my shloimper-doink!
- Scaley: [unaware] Oh! [laughs] Hello. [grunting]
- [Gertruden beats up Scaley. Finley grins and takes out his shloimper-doink. cranking it.]
- Bunny: And that's why, 200 years later, [fade out to a figure re-enacting the situation] we [winds bell] wind the ceremonial Swaptoberfest bell and swap identities when it rings.
- [The figure of Finley runs around and the figure of Gertruden hits a bell on the figure of Scaley. The bell dings.]
- Bunny: [sets bell on the tabletop, which is divided into segments] Let the festivities begin! First, the removal of our [takes off her hair and glasses] defining feature.
- Patrick: [grunts, takes out his tooth] Oh! [laughs]
- GrandPat: [grunts, rips off his beard]
- Squidina: [takes off her glasses] Huh. [eyes shrink] Ooh...
- Cecil: [grunts, rips off mustache] Ahh! [pained] Yay...
- Bunny: Now for the fun part-- the swapping!
- [The family puts their items on the table. The bell dings and Bunny spins the table.]
- Bunny: Here we go! [puts Patrick's tooth in, is wearing his shirt] Hi, I'm Patrick Star, and I live with my parents. [waves]
- Patrick: [puts on GrandPat's beard, clothes transform into his sweater; shakes fist] I'm GrandPat!
- GrandPat: Ehh, I guess I'm Squidina, [puts on her glasses, pupils grow bigger and his head shape changes] and I, uh-- Sweet Neptune, these glasses are strong!
- Squidina: [grabs around for mustache, puts it on upside-down on her forehead] And I'm-- [Cecil puts her mustache on right as she grows his facial hair and clothes] Dad! Thanks, honey.
- Cecil: [wearing Bunny's clothes and hair] No problem, dear. Let Swaptoberfest begin!
- [Transition of Finley running with a shloimper-doink to GrandPat's room. Patrick comes in through the entrance.]
- Patrick: Time for GrandPat's [rubs hands together] favorite activity! [jumps into his bed] Hoo-hoo! Napping!
- [The lighting in the room goes dim.]
- Death: [off-screen] GrandPat Star.
- Patrick: [whimpering]
- Death: [appears in a burst of flame] Forget napping! I'm here to escort you to your eternal slumber. [thunder booming, scratches to create a descent into the underworld in the floor, fire roaring] Today you are going to the underworld. And there's nothing that you can do to stop-- what the?
- Patrick: [going into the underworld, spinning] Whee!
- Death: [skids, following him] What? Wait for me!
- [Fire transition to the underworld. A three-headed worm chews on a bone. Patrick and Death ride in a rowboat.]
- Patrick: [giggling] This is fun!
- Death: Fun? You do know where we're going, right?
- Patrick: Splash fight! [splashes goop from the river in his face]
- Death: [grumbles]
- Patrick: Splash fight! Splash fight! Got ya! [laughs, boat crashes at the entrance gates] Huh?
- Death: Oh, thank Neptune. Now, I'll just turn you in for the reward and--
- Patrick: [runs up to a gate, spikes come out] Ah!
- Gate: [computerized female voice] Access denied. Wrong guy.
- Death: Wrong guy? [picks Patrick up and shakes him] But you're GrandPat, aren't you?
- Patrick: [laughs] Yeah, until the [takes his beard off] Swaptoberfest bell rings.
- Death: [growls, fire appears behind him]
- [Fade transition to Squidina in the living room, holding a coffee cup.]
- Squidina: Huh, this mustache is [scratches mustache] so itchy, but the [rubs her eyes in front of her face, spills some coffee] lack of [blinks] corrective eyewear is so-
- [Squidina swings the coffee cup, shattering it, staining the wall, and knocking the impossible trident off. It turns into an impossible cube]
- Squidina: -liberating! So if I'm Dad now, what would I do? [sips while holding broken handle] Of course! [mimes lawn mowing] Mow the lawn!
- [Squidina rushes off and crashes into the wall, leaving an imprint. She groans and stumbles away. She crashes into the door, creating an imprint, and falls over. She feels the side of the car.]
- Squidina: This feels like the ride-on mower-- [zoom out to show the car] I think.
- [Squidina tries multiple times to put the keys in the ignition, then gets it in. The engine turns over, tires squeal, and she drives in circles before crashing into Granny Tentacles' house.]
- Granny Tentacles: [off-screen] What the--
- [Squidina launches the car out of her house and it crashes into the side of the Star house.]
- Squidina: Time to take out the trash. [opens door and falls out] Oof!
- [Fade transition to Cecil in the living room, adjusting his hair, glasses, and bow-tie. The wall still has a coffee stain on it.]
- Cecil: All right, it's time to do Bunny's favorite thing. [takes out vacuum, spins it, flicks it on with a live-action finger]
- Tinkle: [wakes up, growls, barks]
- Cecil: [vacuuming coffee stain] That is one stubborn stain. [turns to vacuum] I'd better crank this baby up a little. [uses his foot, which is live-action, to turn up the power] Low, high-- oh, black hole! [the vacuum goes crazy] Ahh! [it sticks to the wall, sucking the color out of the background] Oh, no. [Tinkle keeps barking at him] No, Tinkle! Run! Run! It's not safe! [vacuum comes loose, sucking up Tinkle's body, then the water inside him, gets flung away] Whoa!
- Tinkle: [goes inside vacuum, barks]
- [Finley runs by, transitioning to Bunny entering Patrick's room.]
- Bunny: Hmm, what would Patrick do? [begins folding his shirts, head lights up like a lightbulb] Oh, he'd be messy. [goes to sponge up a soda spill] But I hate being messy. [grabs her arm with her other hand] No. [throws sponge away] Bunny hates being messy. [sees Patrick's reflection in the soda] Today, I am Patrick, so I guess I'll be messy. [giggles]
- [Bunny goes up to a photo on the wall, nudges it slightly, then feels a vibration across her body. She smiles, laughs, knocks a pencil off a desk, tips over a glass of water, wipes a sand castle onto the floor, tracks muddy footprints on the floor with boots, eats food in Patrick's bed, falls into a mess in the middle and imitates makes snow angel patterns. Junk transition to GrandPat tiptoeing to Squidina's room.]
- GrandPat: Now it's time for Squidina's favorite activity-- napping! [jumps into her bed]
- Pearl: [enters room] Yoo-hoo, Squidina! [sees someone in the bed] Ready to write our history paper? [removes blanket to see detailed close-up of GrandPat] Ahh! Squidina, what's wrong with your face?
- GrandPat: What the hooey? [reaches at Pearl's face] Dadgum alarm clock!
- Pearl: [grabs his arm and puts it down] Wait, you're not Squidina.
- GrandPat: And you're not an alarm clock! But today is all about [waves arms] pretending.
- Pearl: OK, but I still have to work on my [shows paper with a drawing] history project about the Klopnodian War.
- GrandPat: I'll tell you about the war! I remember it like it was yesterday.
- [Flashback to the Klopnodian War. Red and green lasers fire, Santa Claus flies past, and a UFO crashes. A large cloud of dust appears and Squidina dives in.]
- GrandPat: [narrating] I-- [Squidina poofs into a muscular, futuristic GrandPat] I mean my GrandPat, he was [GrandPat crashes on the ground, shaking it and shocking the soldiers] fearless, good-looking, [GrandPat's visor shines and he smiles] GrandPat the Magnificent!
- [Some soldiers cower in fear and fire arrows at GrandPat. He catches them all with his hand and snaps them in half.]
- GrandPat: [narrating] He single-handedly defeated the entire Klopnodian army with nothing but his bare fist-- [punches the soldiers away]
- Soldiers: Ahh!
- GrandPat: --and, uh, magic boots-- [stomps the ground to create a shockwave, making a crack]
- Soldiers: [fall into the crack] Ahh!
- GrandPat: --robot arm--
- [GrandPat gets a robot gauntlet and catches a cannonball fired at him.]
- GrandPat: --uh, monkey's paw-- [removes his gauntlet to show a monkey's paw on this hand, finger curls and the cannon poofs away]
- Soldier: [saddened] Hey!
- GrandPat: [takes off his visor and blasts laser beams] --and laser eyes-- [smoke clears out of the flashback] --vampire fangs!
- Pearl: Wait a second. My textbook says the Klopnodians won the war.
- GrandPat: They won on a technicality! [bell dings] Dagnabbit, it's swapping time, ain't it? [runs away]
- [A slot machine spins to show the characters in different forms: Squidina as Patrick, Cecil as GrandPat, Bunny as Squidina, Patrick as Cecil, and GrandPat as Squidina. Death and GrandPat exit the underworld, back to GrandPat's room.]
- Death: OK, now, where's GrandPat?
- Cecil: [runs in] Right here! [takes Patrick's beard and puts it on, clothes turn into GrandPat's sweater] How can I help?
- Death: [wags finger] Come with me. [they go back into the underworld]
- Cecil: Well, okeydokey.
- Patrick: I guess I'm Dad now. [puts on mustache, grows out hair, bowtie grows, clothes transform into Cecil's, spins bowtie and walks away to the crashed car, grunts] Vroom, vroom, vroom.
- Squidward: [walking past] Uh, huh? I see you there, Cecil! At least I [squints] think you're Cecil. [holds out paper] You owe me [hits paper in hand] 67 cents.
- Patrick: Sorry, Squidward. I can't pay you right now. I'm commuting. [honks horn, waves fist] Hey, get off the road! [back to Squidward] See?
- Squidward: Your car's not even moving.
- Patrick: Oh! Thanks! [drives back inside, exits the house and runs over Squidward] Ooh!
- Squidward: Ow.
- [Bunny jumps through the ceiling of Squidina's room. She puts on Squidina's glasses off the floor and stretches her head to morph into Squidina's.]
- Pearl: I know you're not Squidina, but can you still help me with my history paper on the Klopnodian War?
- Bunny: Oh, sure. [takes pillow and fluffs it] But first, how about a study break? [lightly taps Pearl with the pillow] Pillow fight!
- Pearl: [laughs, jumps and shakes the room, hits Bunny so hard she flies through the wall]
- [The bell dings again. GrandPat goes up to the vacuum, which is whirring and still has Tinkle inside.]
- GrandPat: I should be able to find [rubs hands together] some peace and quiet in here. [jumps in] Yippee! [bell dings, vacuum explodes and covers everything in dust] Swapping time again?
- [The slot wheel rolls through various combinations. The first is Squidina as Bunny, Cecil as Patrick, Bunny as Cecil, Patrick as Bunny, and GrandPat as Patrick. The second is Squidina as Squidward, Cecil as Plankton, Bunny as Mrs. Puff, Patrick as Tinkle, and GrandPat as Sandy. The third is Squidina as Gary, Cecil as Squidina, SpongeBob as Mr. Krabs, Bunny as Karen, and GrandPat as the Flying Dutchman. The fourth is Squidina as Bubble Buddy, Cecil as King Neptune, Bunny as the Alaskan Bull Worm, Patrick as Hans, and GrandPat as Mermaid Man. The fifth shows all the Stars as GrandPat.]
- GrandPat: [doorbell rings] Enough with the swapping bell!
- Squidina: Actually, I think that was the doorbell. [imitating GrandPat] I'll get it! [uses a motor scooter to open the front door, to see Granny Tentacles]
- Granny Tentacles: Well, hello, handsome.
- Squidina: We don't want any! [door slams]
- Granny Tentacles: Oh, GrandPat, you're such a kidder. I'm here for our date, silly. [purrs]
- Squidina: Oh, uh, a date. Well, uh-- well, what you like to do?
- Granny Tentacles: Oh, well, I mean, I'd like a romantic candlelit dinner-- [folds arms] for once.
- Squidina: One candlelit dinner coming up! [takes out a megaphone] Lights!
- [The screen goes dark. When the lights come back on, a dinner at Fancy! is seen. Squidina pushes Granny Tentacles up to a table in her chair.]
- Granny Tentacles: Ooh!
- Squidina: [sets out a ham for Granny Tentacles and a salad for herself] Bon appétit. [pushes up a chair with a stack of books on it, sits down] Well, enough about me. [leans forward] How was your day?
- Granny Tentacles: Oh, GrandPat, you never asked me that before. What's gotten into you?
- Squidina: [flicks her nose] I just want to know.
- Granny Tentacles: Really? Oh! Well, then, let me tell you about my bunions.
- [Granny Tentacles starts talking. A montage begins as romantic music plays. Squidina laughs as Granny Tentacles tells a story. Bunny and Granny Tentacles knit a scarf together. Patrick eats two slices of pizza, reaches for Granny Tentacles' food, and they laugh. Granny Tentacles twirls Cecil's beard. The candle burns down.]
- Granny Tentacles: Wow, this was the perfect date. [circles finger on tablecloth] There's only one thing that could make it better.
- Patrick: Then let's do it-- whatever it is.
- [Fade to a wedding, with Granny Tentacles marrying the entire Star family, who are still dressed like GrandPat.]
- Officiant: And do you take each other to be your lawfully wedded bride and groom and groom, et cetera?
- Patrick, Cecil, Bunny, and Squidina: Aye!
- GrandPat: Nay!
- Officiant: [closes book] Well, the ayes have it. You're married. [bangs gavel]
- Granny Tentacles: [grabs GrandPat] Now give us a smooch, [pinches his cheek] ya big lug! [tries to kiss him]
- GrandPat: This is why I hate Swaptoberfest.
- [Granny Tentacles takes off her head to reveal Slappy underneath.]
- Slappy: Well, I love it. [giggles]
- Officiant: [breaks them up] Not so fast, GrandPat. You're coming with me. [takes off his head to reveal Death, clock chimes, thunder booming]
- GrandPat: OK, except today I'm [puts his beard on Slappy] this fool! That's Swaptoberfest, baby! [runs into the camera] Whoo-hoo! Ha-ha!