Surf N' Turf/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Surf N' Turf" from season 11, which aired on November 11, 2018.

[The episode begins at Sandy's treedome. Sandy is adding the finishing touches to her ship-in-a-bottle creation.]
Sandy: One more dang dab and she'll be done. She looks fine as cream gravy. With real workin' hearts.
[The cannons in her bottle fire cannonballs. But they bounce back and destroy the ship.]
Sandy: [groans and pulls her ears in frustration] Two weeks down the drain! [throws her bottle out and takes her working goggles off] I can't win for losin'!
[SpongeBob comes in and drinks the water from Sandy's bottle.]
SpongeBob: Thanks for the hot beverage. It was just what I needed. [sighs as he shows debris from the model ship in his teeth; he hears a noise upstairs] Sandy?
[Sandy is rapidly chewing her furniture with her teeth like a beaver.]
SpongeBob: Yee-haw! You look madder than fried egg on a neckbone!
Sandy: [stops chewing] Don't even attempt a Texas saying!
SpongeBob: Sorry. What's going on?
Sandy: Oh, I wanted to win the ship-in-a-bottle contest tomorrow, but every one I make is a disaster. [shows a baby bottle with a capsized kiddie boat] My kiddie boat in a baby bottle capsized. [shows a raft deflated in a deflated bottle] My raft in an inflatable bottle deflated. [shows a tanker in a water cooler bottle leaking oil] And my tanker in a water cooler bottle had an oil spill! Now, I'm all fresh out of bottles!
[SpongeBob pulls out a bottle containing the Krabby Patty secret formula. He takes the paper and throws it out the window. He then hands the empty bottle to Sandy.]
SpongeBob: Here's a fresh bottle you can use.
Sandy: [takes the bottle] Did you just—
SpongeBob: [gasps as he realizes his mistake] I did! [peaks out and sees the formula is gone] The secret formula!
[SpongeBob runs out and heads for the Bikini Bottom Airport.]
Airport announcer: Flight 291 is now boarding. All passengers please proceed to Gate 4.
Pilot: We're good to take-off.
[SpongeBob enters the plane moments before take-off. The plane takes-off and flies into the sky. SpongeBob jumps out of the plane and lands into a cable car. The cable car takes SpongeBob to a devilish volcanic mountain that is shaped like Plankton. SpongeBob bursts through the door and sees Plankton trying to untie the rope and read the paper. He snatches the paper from Plankton.]
SpongeBob: Gimme that!
[SpongeBob turns and leaves with the secret formula, not before giving Plankton a death ray stare. SpongeBob exits the mountain before it erupts with lava. SpongeBob is sent flying back to Sandy's treedome in a ball of fire. He hits the dome glass and is completely singed. But luckily, the formula is unharmed.]
SpongeBob: Whew! That was close. [puts the formula away]
[The scene changes to Sandy adding a bit of glue to her model ship.]
Sandy: And, done! Did you bring me a bottle?
SpongeBob: Uh-huh! [opens his mouth and sticks out a bigger bottle] I borrowed one from Plankton before riding a fireball back here.
[Sandy attempts to fit her model ship in the bottle, but it's too small.]
Sandy: [groans] This won't fit.
SpongeBob: Oh, sure it will.
[SpongeBob pushes the model ship in the bottle, but he accidentally ruins it.]
Little sailor: Jump for your life!
[Two tiny sailors jump into the water and are surrounded by sharks. SpongeBob places the bottle on the shelf and puts a note saying "Men Overboard" in front of it.]
SpongeBob: Men overboard. [chuckles nervously]
[Sandy chews on the table in frustration. SpongeBob pulls the table back.]
SpongeBob: Sandy? Uh, Sandy, I have an idea. Let's call Mr. Krabs. I bet he knows all about ships in bottles. [holds out a black-and-white picture of Mr. Krabs kissing a bag of money] He was once a sailor.
Sandy: I don't need anybody's help! Sandy Cheeks flies alone! [bangs on the table and it crumbles] Alright, call him up.
[The scene changes to Sandy telling Mr. Krabs her dilemma.]
Sandy: Seriously, Mr. Krabs. I don't see what you can teach me.
Mr. Krabs: First lesson is math. I get half the prize money!
Sandy: What the? I'll give you 100% of my fist!
SpongeBob: [gets in between Sandy and Mr. Krabs] Uh, 50% sounds fair.
Sandy: Well, I do wanna win. Okay, 50%.
Mr. Krabs: [pulls out a chart of making the bottle] First step: create the perfect bottle.
SpongeBob: Oh, my two friends working together! I gotta get a picture for this. [sees Fiasco painting a picture of Mr. Krabs and Sandy and takes it] Thank you!
[Fiasco grumbles in anger. The scene changes to Sandy doing some glassblowing in hopes of making the perfect bottle for her model ship.]
Mr. Krabs: First, we build a furnace to make the bottles.
[Sandy pulls out the molten glass from the furnace. She takes a deep breath and blows the glass into a shoe. She does it the second time and blows it into a human brain. She does it the third time and blows it into a sea shell. She does it the fourth time and makes it into the bottle she needed for her ship.]
Sandy: Perfect and slick as a whistle. [blows in the bottle and makes a whistle; she shows the bottle to Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. [takes out a hammer and smashes the bottle] Try again.
[Sandy growls in disgust. She makes another bottle and shows it to Mr. Krabs.]
Sandy: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: [smashes the bottle with the hammer] Try again.
[Sandy makes another bottle and shows it to Mr. Krabs. This time, Mr. Krabs is on a swing.]
Sandy: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: [smashes the bottle with the hammer] Try again.
[Sandy makes another bottle.]
Mr. Krabs: [smashes the bottle with the hammer] Try again.
[Sandy makes another bottle.]
Mr. Krabs: [smashes the bottle with the hammer] Try again.
[Sandy makes another bottle.]
Mr. Krabs: [smashes the bottle with the hammer] Try again.
[She makes one more bottle and is breathing heavily in anger. Mr. Krabs holds out the hammer and goes to hit the bottle. Sandy cowers as he is going to strike at the bottle. This time, Mr. Krabs doesn't destroy it. He sees it as the perfect bottle for the model ship.]
Mr. Krabs: Perfect!
Sandy: Whew!
Mr. Krabs: Now, we can start on the ship. [accidentally smashes her bottle with the hammer] Oh, wait, um, I wasn't supposed to break that one, was I?
Sandy: [whimpers and is completely worn out] I feel like chewed-up twine. I'm goin' to bed. And you can forget about the prize money, 'cause the contest is tomorrow.
Mr. Krabs: [spits his soda out in surprise] Tomorrow?! [cries as his tears fill up his water helmet] Me prize money! Hey, mind if I take a crack at this ship bottle thing?
Sandy: Knock yourself out. [closes the door]
[Mr. Krabs desperately looks around for something to build, but sees nothing.]
Mr. Krabs: I got nothin' to work with here. [sees Sandy's tree and comes up with an idea as his eyes turn into bottles with money in them] Oh! [giggles] That prize money is as good as mine! [giggles]
[The scene changes to the next morning. Sandy wakes up from her sleep, yawns and stretches. A crow next to her is cawing loudly. She hits the crow and it flies off. She looks around and sees herself standing in the main mast of the ship Mr. Krabs built himself.]
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, matey!
Sandy: [jumps down from the mast] What is all this?
Mr. Krabs: [throws his tools away] Hang on. Just let me show ya! [grabs Sandy's hand, puts her in her water suit and takes her outside her dome] Ta-da! [shows her the ship-in-a-bottle outside of her treedome] It's the biggest ship-in-a-bottle ever! It's sure to win the contest!
Sandy: That's amazing, Mr. Krabs! You got some [elbows Mr. Krabs] snap in your old garters after all! Yee-haw! We're gonna win for sure! Woo-hoo! [she and Mr. Krabs dance around for a bit] By the way, where'd you get all the wood?
Mr. Krabs: I chopped down your tree.
Sandy: [sighs] That's great. [pauses] You what?! [gasps]
[Sandy turns and sees all of her nooks and crannies from her tree nailed onto the ship Mr. Krabs built.]
Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh. [backs away]
Sandy: [her shock turns to anger] Why you low-down, no good, bottom-dwellin'—! [Mr. Krabs runs away] Dadgummit! Come back here! You wanna see what I'm gonna do to you?! [chews a nearby boulder and forms it into Mr. Krabs] First, I'm gonna do this! [karate chops the statue] Then, I'm gonna do this! [kicks the statue]
[Mr. Krabs hops in his boat and reverses it up to the front door of Sandy's treedome. He ties the door with the chain and begins driving away with it.]
Mr. Krabs: My work, my prize money. Eugene Krabs flies alone!
Sandy: [gasps] What?! [screams as she sees her dome being dragged away by Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Blow a kiss, jellyfish! [cackles as he drives away with Sandy's treedome]
Sandy: She-oot! He is more slippery than a pocket full of puddin'. I'm-a comin' for my ship-in-a-bottle, Krabs! [activates the button on her suit and her submarine emerges from the ground; she hops into her submarine and proceeds to chase after Mr. Krabs] Yee-haw! We got ourselves a good old-fashioned high speed chase and Texas barbecue! [flips some acorns on the grill with her spatula and plays chase music on her radio]
Driver: Look out!
[People on the streets panic as Sandy's treedome nearly hits them. Mr. Krabs sees Sandy's submarine heading towards him.]
Mr. Krabs: Hard to port!
[Mr. Krabs swerves the boat left and right before turning and damaging some buildings. One building sends Sandy's submarine crashing through the roof of the Krusty Krab, leaving a gapping hole. Sandy backs-up her submarine through the front, which leaves another hole in the restaurant.]
SpongeBob: [comes out with a Krabby Patty] Order up! Okay, who's eating—[sees the hole] Ooh, al fresco.
Sandy: [loads her compartment with acorns as ammunition] I was saving these for lunch. But now is a good a time as ever to start a diet. [closes the compartment door and pushes the launch button]
[Sandy's submarine fires the acorns through at straw at Mr. Krabs. Sandy keeps firing the acorns at Mr. Krabs until one big one clobbers his back.]
Mr. Krabs: [screams] Clap of thunder! [his shell cracks and breaks] Is that all you got? Hmm? Oh no. [gets crushed by Sandy's submarine] Oh, why did I ask that question?
Sandy: [comes out through the hatch] Yee-hoo! This ain't my first rodeo! [holds up her rodeo championship belt] This is my 500th rodeo!
[Sandy jumps off and hops onto the chain connecting her treedome to Mr. Krabs' boat. She takes off her helmet and goes to chew on the chain, which also catching some breathing through her helmet. Unfortunately, Mr. Krabs lifts Sandy's submarine up with his claws.]
Mr. Krabs: Silly mammal! You forget that crabs are stronger than woodchucks! [throws Sandy's submarine out in the distance]
Sandy: That old crab's got more guts than you can hang on a fence. [jumps off the chain and goes after her submarine] This ain't over, Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm...There ain't no sadder sight than a rodent runnin' after her submarine.
[Mr. Krabs proceeds to drive the treedome to the ship-in-a-bottle contest. But as he drives, he destroys several boats and sets them on fire. Meanwhile at the ship-in-a-bottle contest, many contestants are displaying their ship-in-a-bottle creations. The judge is going around looking at everything and is examining them to see which is the best. He sees one without a model ship in it.]
Judge: Hmm. What happened here?
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm still waiting for my ship to come in. [laughs]
[Patrick disgustedly shakes his head at SpongeBob as he didn't find his joke funny. Outside, Mr. Krabs drives the treedome toward the building and puts the brake on. But the treedome slams into Mr. Krabs and it pushes him towards the building. People, who are standing outside the building, scream and run away.]
Kid: You think we'll win, Dad?
Kid's father: Hard work is its own reward, son. Or should I say Admiral?
[Mr. Krabs and the treedome crash through the wall. Mr. Krabs crashes his boat into the fountain.]
Contestant: Look out!
[The treedome swerves around, destroying everyone else's ship-in-a-bottle creations in the process. As the smoke clears, everyone looks and glares at Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs: [sighs] So, what do you think, Judge? Ain't she a beauty? A ship in a glass bottle of epic proportions!
Judge: Hmm. Well, it is rather impressive. But more importantly, it's the only intact ship-in-a-bottle here. I have no choice but to declare you the winner. [hands Mr. Krabs the trophy containing the prize money]
Mr. Krabs: That's right. Hand it over! [grabs the trophy and rubs the prize money on his face while sighing]
[Suddenly, Sandy comes flying in with her submarine, causing havoc all over the place.]
Sandy: Ya-hoo!
[Sandy crashes her submarine into her treedome and destroys Mr. Krabs' model ship. Then she crashes her submarine into the fountain and is ejected out. She slips out of her watersuit and rolls over towards the judge's feet in her air helmet. The judge picks her up and looks at her. Sandy giggles nervously as she's expecting to judge to be angry at her.]
Judge: Wow, this is unprecedented. But since there are no more ships-in-a-bottle to judge, I'm forced to give the prize to this squirrel-in-a-bottle.
[The audience cheers and gives Sandy a round of applause. Sandy has indeed won the ship-in-a-bottle contest as well as the prize money after all.]
Sandy: Yee-haw!
[The scene changes back to Sandy's treedome. Mr. Krabs is punished for his malicious actions and is sent to do long hours of community service around Sandy's treedome. For starters, he is forced to build her a temporary tree until a new one grows.]
Sandy: [counting her prize money] That temporary tree should do until the seed I planted grows into a new one. [pushes the seed in the flower pot and plants it]
Mr. Krabs: [sweating to the bone] Whew!
Sandy: Let's go, you bag of shells! I want you jumpin' like hot grease on a skillet! [pushes the button on her remote and activates Mr. Krabs' electric collar]
Mr. Krabs: [gets zapped by his electric collar] Ha, ha, sorry, Ms. Cheeks. Okay, I'll be right—[gets zapped again] Hee, hee, ha, okay, I'm—uh, I'm workin'! I'm—[gets zapped again]