Suds/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Suds" from season 1, which aired on January 17, 2000.

[The episode begins at nighttime. The screen zooms in to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is asleep in bed and dreaming that he is standing on a giant Krabby Patty, then black storm clouds roll in and it starts raining Krabby Patties. One falls into his hands]
Dream SpongeBob: Ah! It's raining Krabby Patties! Yeah!
[Dream SpongeBob runs around eating patties. The real-life SpongeBob wakes up from his dream to find himself chewing on his pillow.]
SpongeBob: Huh? [spits the pillow out and his stomach growls] A quick midnight snack, and then it's back to bed. [kicks the pillow on the ground and jumps on it. Sees Gary meowing in his sleep] Ah, sleep tight, my little angel. [tiptoes past Gary. He tries to get down the stairs without waking up Gary but rushes down, making a xylophone sound] Ah, here it is. [grabs a jar of seanut butter out of the refrigerator and walks to the table where he makes a sandwich] Nothing like a sea-nut butter and jellyfish jelly sandwich to help you get to sleep. [as soon as SpongeBob takes a bite of the sandwich, he falls asleep. Behind him, the fridge is still open, letting out all the cold air. That morning, his whole house is frozen. Even the man on TV is shivering. The foghorn alarm clock goes off, breaking the ice around it, the bed, and the pillow. SpongeBob wakes up shivering and gasps as he breaks out of the ice he is encased in] The fridge! Whoa! Oop! [slides up to the fridge, quavering, and closes it, then sits down trying to get warm. He tries to stand up, but he slips and slides everywhere inside and outside the house, breaking all the windows before stopping on his bed. He pulls his frozen blanket over him, but it shatters]
Gary: [wearing a hat and ear muffs] Meow.
SpongeBob: [slides into the bathroom] Oh, Gary, I don't feel like myself.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Don't be silly, Gary. I don't get colds. I get the suds.
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: No, Gary... If I had the suds, I'd have bubbles coming out of me. [sneezes, then pink bubbles come out of him then he moans exhaustingly]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I can't get the suds [sniffles] because then I'll have to miss work. [puts his underwear over his mouth and nose then sneezes. Pink bubbles come out again]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: No, Gary. I like wearing my underwear like this. [turns around and has two bubbles representing his glutes. Each one pops]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I'm not sick. I'm going to work.
[Regular bubbles transition to the Krusty Krab, where SpongeBob is cooking. He sneezes loudly with pink bubbles and he pulls his hat over his head to muffle it. Mr. Krabs comes into the kitchen]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's holding up those patties? [SpongeBob turns around looking pale]
SpongeBob: [weakly, visibly shaking] Right away, sir.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's wrong with you? You're paler than a baby sea horse. [Gary appears out of nowhere]
Gary: Meow. [leaves]
Mr. Krabs: The suds?
SpongeBob: [holds up the Krabby Patty on a plate] Here's that patty you wanted, Mr. Krabs, sir. [sneezes loudly with bubbles and causing the patty to splatter all over Mr. Krabs' face]
Mr. Krabs: [wipes the patty off his face] All right, SpongeBob, you're too sick to work.
SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs, I'm okay, honest. [Mr. Krabs opens the front door]
Mr. Krabs: No, now go home and get some rest. [SpongeBob walks off] Nothing personal, lad. I just can't have you sneezing all over my food. [Incidental 23, Incidental 31, and other customers overhear Mr. Krabs and they spit out their food and panic]
All: Huh?!
Mr. Krabs: No, wait! Wait!
[All the customers scramble out of the Krusty Krab. Regular bubbles transition back to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is in his chair.]
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary... I feel horrible. [sneezes. Gary hides in his shell with pink bubbles all over his shell. Gary has an angry expression when he shows his eyes] Oh, who am I kidding, Gary? I've got the suds, no doubt about it. [after he sneezes again, his right eye rolls down his face] I'd better take care of this before it gets out of hand. [picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number]
Sandy: [running on her exercise wheel] Hello.
SpongeBob: Sandy, I'm sick. [puts his eye back into place] Can you escort me to the doctor's?
Sandy: Oh, sure, SpongeBob. I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August...
SpongeBob: Yeah, Sandy, thanks. [sneezes pink bubbles through Sandy's phone. Later, as SpongeBob is getting dressed for the doctor, the doorbell rings] Coming. [opens the door]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. Going skiing?
SpongeBob: I'm sick, Patrick. I'm going to the doctor.
Patrick: What? Oh, you can't go!
SpongeBob: Why not, Patrick?
Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor once, and the doctor's office is a horrible, horrible place.
SpongeBob: [sits in his chair] It can't be as horrible as the suds. [sneezes]
Patrick: Oh, it is, SpongeBob! Well, first, they make you sit in the... waiting room.
SpongeBob: Is that the horrible part, Patrick? [Gary appears beside the chair]
Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read old magazines. [SpongeBob yelps. Patrick takes a piece of coral for a stethoscope] Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope.
SpongeBob: No!
Patrick: Yes! It's a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh, it... [takes the end of the piece of coral and puts it on SpongeBob's chest] Ssssss! [SpongeBob shoots up toward the ceiling and panics all over the place]
SpongeBob: No! No! No stethoscope! No doctor! No old magazines! No hiss, no! [flips over on the floor] Patrick, I don't wanna go to the doctor.
Patrick: Exactly. [SpongeBob sneezes. A pink bubble is in the place where Patrick's nose should be, then it pops]
SpongeBob: You gotta help me get better, Patrick. Please? Would you like to be my doctor, Patrick?
Patrick: What else are friends for?
[Regular bubbles transition to SpongeBob sitting on the table in his kitchen. Patrick is standing behind him. SpongeBob sneezes]
Patrick: It appears as though we'll have to plug up these holes. This oughta do the trick. [pushes a small cork in one of SpongeBob's holes. Then he plugs up the rest of the holes with more corks] Voilà. [SpongeBob sneezes, but no bubble come out] Feel better?
SpongeBob: I don't know. [sneezes more and more, which after every sneeze he inflates]
Patrick: Help, I'm shrinking! [SpongeBob breaks the table] No! Please don't hurt me!
SpongeBob: No bubbles! Patrick, your treatment is working!
Patrick: [overjoyed]You think so?
SpongeBob: Sure! At this rate, I'll be cured in no time! In fact, I'm gonna call Sandy and tell her not to come! Thanks, Dr. Patrick!
Patrick: And they said I'd never make anything out of myself.
SpongeBob: [tries to press one button, but it pressed all because his fingers are too large] My fingers are too big for the buttons. [off-hook tone plays] Dr. Patrick, could you call Sandy for me? [gives Patrick the phone]
Patrick: Sure, patient SpongeBob! [Patrick calls Sandy, who is about to head out for SpongeBob's place] Hello, Sandy?
Sandy: Hiya, Patrick!
Patrick: I'm calling on behalf of my patient, SpongeBob.
Sandy: I'm on my way over to take him to the hospital.
Patrick: Uh... uh... that will no longer be required! He is in my care as of today.
Sandy: Well, I'm coming over to take a look. I'll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot...
Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah, the rabbit. Don't bother, Sandy! [hangs up] SpongeBob, quick, Sandy's coming! We've got to make sure you're well, or she'll take you to the doctor! [runs into the kitchen with rubber gloves on and dips them into the sink of water] Don't touch me, I'm sterile! [Sud bubbles transition.] Scalpel, please. [takes some sea-nut butter and spreads it on SpongeBob's right foot. Then puts a piece of bread and put sea-nut butter on each side and his shoe on it] Feeling better?
SpongeBob: Uh-uh. [Sud bubbles transition. A string is attached to a door that Patrick closes. A tooth shoots out from the side]
Patrick: Feeling better yet?
SpongeBob: [missing the tooth] Not really. [Sud bubbles transition.]
Patrick: [wearing a leotard and jumping on SpongeBob] How... about... now?
SpongeBob: I don't... think so. [Sud bubbles transition. Patrick puts a large bandage vertically on SpongeBob's back]
Patrick: Feeling better?
SpongeBob: No. [Patrick rips the bandage off while SpongeBob screams. Patrick reapplies the bandage horizontally]
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Nope. [Patrick rips the bandage off again as SpongeBob screams and horizontally reapplies again]
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Uh-uh. [Patrick rips the bandage off a third time as SpongeBob screams. The scene cuts to Bikini Atoll. Later, Sandy arrives outside SpongeBob's house]
Sandy: Hello, SpongeBob.
Patrick: [wears a brown executioner's mask on his head] Uh-oh, it's Sandy. [SpongeBob is tied onto a medieval torture rack. He sneezes and enlarges himself into a ball. Sandy knocks on the door] There's no one home.
Sandy: Patrick, you open this door. [Patrick is rolling SpongeBob away] Patrick, sometimes I just don't understand you. [SpongeBob sneezes] Hey! [walks over to Patrick's house] Okay, Patrick, where's SpongeBob?
Patrick: Uh... uh... he's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Sandy: Okay, now tell me. [shows two rocks] Since when do you have two houses?
Patrick: Since I ran out of space to put my stuff.
Sandy: Uh-huh, yep. Since when does your house have feet? [SpongeBob's feet are sticking out of the other rock]
Patrick: This is my mobile home. [SpongeBob sneezes the rock off]
SpongeBob: Hiya, Sandy.
Patrick: [holding SpongeBob's hand] Hmm, the dirt therapy seems to be working just fine.
Sandy: Patrick, SpongeBob has to see a real doctor.
Patrick: No, he doesn't! I'm taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob. Say "ah".
SpongeBob: Ah... [His breath kills all the plants, clams, and everything else in its path.]
Sandy: See? He's even worse than I thought.
Patrick: [wearing a clothespin on his nose] What do you mean? He's fine. [Sandy snatches the clothespin off of his nose]
SpongeBob: I'm okay, Sandy, really. [sneezes again, enlarging himself more]
Sandy: I'm taking you to the doctor right now! [rolls SpongeBob away]
Patrick: Hey, that's my patient! [runs over and pushes SpongeBob the opposite way] You can't take him to the doctor's.
Sandy: [rolling SpongeBob the other way again] Don't be silly, Patrick.
Patrick: [carrying SpongeBob the other way] He's mine! [Sandy is log rolling SpongeBob the opposite way]
Sandy: SpongeBob, you'll be better soon. [Patrick is using a wheelbarrow for SpongeBob]
Patrick: I'll save you! [Sandy is using SpongeBob as a basketball]
SpongeBob: I'm ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-better, guys, really. [Sandy and Patrick both push him into each other, squeezing him until he launches into the air]
Sandy: Now look what you've done, Patrick!
Patrick: What I've done? Everything was fine until you showed up.
Sandy: You should be arrested for impersonating a doctor!
Patrick: Hey, I'm a good doctor! Right, SpongeBob? [SpongeBob comes down and rolls away]
SpongeBob: Guys!
Sandy: Huh?
Patrick: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I can't stop now! [screams while he rolls down a hill] Help me! [Mr. Krabs is cleaning some dimes]
Mr. Krabs: Shiny dimes!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? [runs out the front doors] Stop, SpongeBob! Stop! Oh! [SpongeBob stops just in time. Mr. Krabs sighs in relief until SpongeBob sneezes so hard that he releases a cloud of pink bubbles that fill the screen and destroy the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs glares at SpongeBob, who returns to his normal size. Later, at the hospital]
Purple Doctor: Well, Mr. SquarePants, it seems you have the suds. Are you ready for your treatment?
SpongeBob: [sniffles and shakes his head] You're not going to make me read old magazines, are you?
Purple Doctor: No, silly, you get the sponge treatment! Oh, Hans. [a real hand comes through the door and takes SpongeBob out of the room. Then it shows the hand cleaning SpongeBob with dish soap]
SpongeBob: Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! [Hans uses real SpongeBob to scrub a man's back in the shower. SpongeBob laughs] That tickles! [Hans uses real SpongeBob to scrub a man's foot. SpongeBob sniffs] I can smell again! [Then the real SpongeBob is being used to wash a plate, a car, and the floor] Whoo! Yeah! Yeah-eah! Whoo! Yeah! [SpongeBob is being rinsed off in the sink and put back in the doctor's room. Then SpongeBob turns back into his normal yellow color] I feel as good as new! I love the doctor!
Hans: Here's your lollipop. [hands SpongeBob a big lollipop. Sandy winks at SpongeBob]
Patrick: A lollipop? [takes a bubble wand, blows a bubble, then hides the wand behind his back] Hey, Doc, I got the suds, too!
Purple Doctor: [sarcastically] Oh, yes, Doctor Patrick. We have a special treatment for you. [A chuckling Patrick gets taken away by Hans]
Patrick: [He's being washed in the sink with soap] Hey, wait! [used on a cactus] Ouch! Ooh, that hurts! [being used to scrub a toilet] Wait! Hey, this doesn't seem right! [The screen fades to black marking the end of the episode.]