Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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"Stair Wars" is a The Patrick Star Show episode from Season 1. In this episode, Patrick and GrandPat try to pass each other on the stairs, leading to a ludicrous conflict.



The episode starts as the sun wakes up, tired. He grabs the Star family's house and pours coffee onto a mug. As he drinks the coffee, he becomes energized and starts shining as the day begins. Squidina runs inside with Ouchie and puts him in the reserved area. She then finds a "leak" coming from the ceiling, only to realize that Patrick is asleep and drooling in his bed. She attempts to wake him up with a broom, and this makes him fall off his bed while still sleeping. Squidina then proceeds to pick him up, put makeup on him, and announces that it's time for The Patrick Show! She then splashes Patrick with a bucket of water, waking him up. Patrick tells the audience that he will teach everyone about some brief miniature golf tips. After uttering random numbers and striking miscellaneous objects with a plunger, Patrick says he thinks it would be better with an actual golf club, so he puts Squidina onstage to perform, but tells Patrick that she has stage-4 stage fright. After looking at the audience with embarrassment, she melts.

Patrick runs up the stairs until he sees GrandPat in the way. They both greet each other, and tell each other which direction on the staircase they want to go. They struggle to get past each other, so GrandPat says "age before ugly," then Patrick says "Pearls before swine," then GrandPat says "I before thee." Patrick apologizes because Cecil always told him to never back down from a star-off, but GrandPat clarifies that he gave Patrick that advice, and kicks the thought bubble of Cecil down the stairs. Patrick says that he does not care who said it first, he wants to get his golf club. GrandPat says that he hates the upstairs bathroom. They both turn angry at each other, with Patrick's eyes having teeth, and GrandPat's mouth moving like a chainsaw. After trying to get past each other multiple times, Patrick takes out a loaf of bread out of his belly button and says "en garde," and GrandPat takes out a loaf of bread from his cane and says that he'll en garde Patrick. After hitting each other once with their loaves of bread, they challenge each other to a stair-off, and each turn their heads into mules and start braying.



 ) Associated production music
 ) Original music
 ) SpongeBob music

  One Zero Zero - Harry Beurer, Jean-Jacques Perrey [Squidina tries to wake up Patrick]
  Swanky Walk - Peter Jeffries [Patrick is trying to go upstairs and GrandPat is trying to go downstairs]
  Monster Bug [#33] - Gregor F Narholz [Patrick and GrandPat growl at each other]
  Battle March Link (D) - Keith Mansfield [Patrick and GrandPat challenge each other to a Stair-Off]
  Stealth and Capture - Wilfred Burns [SpongeBob enters the castle]
  Spooky - Kenny Graham ["Patgor is hogging the remote again."]
  Hide and Seek - Arthur Wilkinson [SpongeMonster breaks the TV in half]
  Monster Bug [#35] - Gregor F Narholz [Dr. Plankton gets shocked]
  Bossa Cubana - Gerhard Narholz ["And now back to the Patrick Show."]
  Solemn March - Harold Smart ["No Man's Step!"]
  Battle March Link (A) - Keith Mansfield ["Stand with me, son."]
  Solemn March - Harold Smart [Squidina runs up the stairs]
  Wargames - Keith Mansfield [Bunny goes up the stairs]
  Beautiful Moonlit Night - George Wilson ["Mom, what is it?"]
  Drama Link (C) - Hubert Clifford ["So, we meet again."]
  Skip and Dance - Arthur Wilkinson [Patrick hugs GrandPat]
  Battle March Link (E) - Keith Mansfield [Patrick and GrandPat challenge each other to joust]
  One Zero Zero - Harry Beurer, Jean-Jacques Perrey [Patrick finds his golf club]
  Kitsch Latin Cool - Malcolm Lockyer [Patrick and Squidina return to the studio]
  Nude Sting - Nicolas Carr [The downstairs bathroom]



Writing credit from the premiere.

The error on Nick.com

iTunes version using the SpongeBob font.

  • This is the first episode of the SpongeBob SquarePants franchise where SpongeBob is completely absent, as he does not make an appearance and he is not mentioned. It is also the third episode where he does not appear following "The Algae's Always Greener" and "Late for Breakfast." In addition, this episode is the first where he is absent alongside "Enemies à la Mode" from both segments.
  • This is the first SpongeBob production to play the track "Beautiful Moonlit Night" since "Accidents Will Happen" in season 8 of the original series.
  • Mr. Lawrence was the credited writer on the premiere of this episode. However, Luke Brookshier is credited on digital store versions of this episode. Also, the iTunes version uses the regular SpongeBob font instead of the font used on The Patrick Star Show's credits.
    • The actual writer for this episode is Mr. Lawrence.
  • When Patrick is sliding up the staircase, a train passes by heading to Kamp Koral, which is a reference to another SpongeBob spin-off, Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years.
  • The A's in the episode's name are a reference to what the episode's plot was about.
  • Grandpat breaks the fourth wall by knocking down Patrick's thought cloud, and Cecil feeling the pain.

Cultural references

  • The title of this episode is a reference to the Star Wars franchise.
  • The scene Patrick and GrandPat bumping into each other on the stairs is similar to the scene in the Dr. Seuss story "The Zax" from the book The Sneetches and Other Stories when the North-Going Zax bumped into the South-Going Zax in the Prairie of Prax and both Zax and Stars had a war against going the way they wanted to go. For the Stars, Patrick wanted to go upstairs while GrandPat wanted to go downstairs, For the Zax, the North-Going Zax wanted to go north while the South-Going Zax wanted to go south and both of those Zax and Stars refused to make way for the other.


Multiple incidentals appearing at once.

  • During the stair war, multiple of the same incidental appear in the background.
  • In the Nickelodeon website, this episode was written by Luke Brookshier instead of Mr. Lawrence.