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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidward's Sick Daze" from season 13, which aired on April 16, 2021.
- [The episode begins with a shot of the exterior of the Krusty Krab on a rainy day. A drop of rain falls through a visible hole on the roof, and falls on Dream Squidward's head.]
- Dream Squidward: Hey!
- [The camera zooms out to show a bunch of dream angry customers.]
- Dream customer #1: What's taking so long?
- Dream customer #2: I never got my fries!
- Dream Fred: [popping out from the ceiling] Why doesn't my father love me?
- Dream customer #3: Come on! Why are you so slow?
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward] Hey, Squidward.
- Dream Squidward: Quit it.
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward.
- Dream Squidward: Quit it.
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his foot on Dream Squidward] Hey, Squidward.
- Dream Squidward: [shouting] Quit it!
- Dream Mr. Krabs: [toilet flushes] Mr. Squidward, clean up in the head!
- Dream Squidward: [eye twitches; groaning]
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward.
- Dream Mr. Krabs: [spills soda, which turns into a flood] Also, clean up here!
- Dream Squidward: [whimpering]
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward.
- Dream Mr. Krabs: I said clean up!
- Dream customers: Squidward! Squidward!
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward again] Hey, Squidward. [loads of rain water fall on Dream Squidward.] [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward repeatedly off-screen] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. [on-screen] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.
- Dream customers: Squidward!
- Dream SpongeBob: [putting his spatula on Dream Squidward repeatedly] [off-screen] Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward, Hey, Squidward.
- Dream Squidward: [his head falls onto the floor] Oh, no.
- Dream Mr. Krabs: Don't just lay there. Clean up! Clean up! Clean up!
- [Dream Squidward's head is on the floor and screams in fear]
- Squidward: [screaming as he wakes up from his dream] It was just a dream. Just a horrible, realistic, totally on point dream. [walks into his art room] Oh, I can't believe I'm dreaming about work when there's so many more interesting things I could be doing. Just look at my unfinished painting. And my unfinished symphony. [a music note falls from the paper] And my uneaten strudel.
- Patrick: [eats the strudel]
- Squidward: [takes the strudel away] My strudel!
- Patrick: Uh, just tasted like pie to me.
- Squidward: It's a strudel, you barbarian. [flips through the strudel's layers] Just look at those pastry layers.
- Patrick: [sucks up the pastry layers, and spits food into Squidward's face as he talks] Oh, yeah!
- Squidward: Ohh... I just woke up and the day's already a disaster. I can't face the Krusty Krab today. I am staying home and diving into an ocean of Squidward.
- [Squidward has a dream sequence of a waterfall, where he dives, quickly paints a masterpiece of himself, plays some clarinet notes, eats one of the Bon Bons from a food table, which slips off his tentacle hand and makes him shrug, and relaxes with the water pouring on him; when he wakes up, he finds Patrick drooling on him.]
- Squidward: What the? [wipes the drool off of his face]
- Patrick: Any more of that layer pie?
- Squidward: Get out! [Patrick falls] Now, to get rid of the other monkey on my back. [Monkey screeching sounds are heard.] [fakes coughing and calls Mr. Krabs]
- Mr. Krabs: [answers the phone] Krusty Krab?
- Squidward: [fakes coughing and pretends to be sick] Oh, Mr. Krabs, it's... [fakes coughing again] Squidward.
- Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, what are you doing on the phone? You should be working.
- Squidward: [fakes coughing] I can't work. Too... [fakes coughing again] sick. [fakes sneezing, spreading the germs to Mr. Krabs over the phone]
- Mr. Krabs: Hmm, you do sound pretty bad. You sure you're too sick to work?
- Squidward: [giggling while painting] I mean, I mean... [fakes coughing] positive.
- Mr. Krabs: Hmmm. [grunts and sneaks his eye through the phone to peek on what Squidward is doing] Mmm, too sick, eh? Oh, I've got the cure for what ails ya. Well, you just rest up, Mr. Squidward. I'll take care of everything.
- Squidward: Okay, bye, talk to ya-- I mean, I mean, uh... [fakes coughing and spits out the phlegm to one of Mr. Krabs' eyes] Bye! [hangs up phone]
- Mr. Krabs: [hangs up phone] No one fakes sick on Mr. Krabs and gets away with it. [removes Squidward's phlegm from his eye] Ugh.
- Squidward: [singing and dancing] ♪ No work for me today / Mr. Squidward gets to play / No customers for me to fear / SpongeBob can take a long walk off a very short pier ♪ [hears a knock on the front door] Oh, that must be the crudité I ordered. [Squidward opens the door] Well I... whoa!
- [Squidward sees Mr. Krabs at his doorstep then he closes the door. Squidward comes out again, wearing a blanket and an ice pack.]
- Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs. I didn't see you there. How thoughtful of you to visit me in my [fake cough] weekend state.
- Mr. Krabs: Oh, think nothing of it, Mr. Squidward. You sounded so bad on the phone, I rushed right over to make sure you were taking good care of yourself.
- Squidward: Well, I wouldn't want to infect anyone, so you should probably go now.
- Mr. Krabs: Oh, you are in no condition to be alone. That's why I brought you some help. [Mr. Krabs pulls out SpongeBob from behind his back wearing a doctor's outfit.] Take one of these and call me in the morning.
- SpongeBob: The doctor is in!
- Squidward: Uh... [SpongeBob wraps him up in a blanket and holds him like a baby]
- SpongeBob: Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle. [Squidward tries to break free from him] Hush-a-bye now. Don't strain yourself. [kisses Squidward's eyes, making Squidward angry. Squidward pulls SpongeBob's lips and lets go of them, making him fling]
- Squidward: Humph! [hops over to Mr. Krabs] Really, Mr. Krabs? This isn't necessary.
- Mr. Krabs: Of course it is. [gets closer and closer to Squidward's face] If I find out you were faking it, just to get out of work, I'll have to fire ya!
- Squidward: Oh, no faking here. [sweating] No, I'm really [fake wheezes] sick. [dashes away to SpongeBob] Okay, back to the swaddling.
- [SpongeBob laughs, kisses Squidward again, puts his icepack on his head, and carries him into his own house. Mr. Krabs walks off laughing. Bubble transition to SpongeBob preparing soup. Meanwhile, Squidward is painting a masterpiece.]
- Squidward: Oh, yes, I like that. Uh-huh, uh-huh, indeed.
- [SpongeBob arrives with the soup but gasps to see Squidward enjoying himself.]
- SpongeBob: Squidward, you're overexciting yourself! Now, you just rest that sick little body of yours while SpongeBob finishes up your self-portrait of you.
- Squidward: But, but, but...
- SpongeBob: [laughs while painting] Oh yeah, yeah! [laughs] Done. [shows a painting of SpongeBob feeding a baby Squidward with baby formula] In my imagination, you're a helpless, little baby. [the painting makes Squidward vomit] Gee, you're sicker than I thought. [Squidward continues to vomit] Bleh.
- [Bubble transition to Squidward sleeping in his bed, and he opens his eyes to look around.]
- Squidward: Hmm. [dashes out of his bed and into his art room] Just forget that yellow nuisance, and lose yourself in music. [plays a few squeaky notes and SpongeBob instantly comes over]
- SpongeBob: Squidward! You shouldn't be wasting your breath in your weakened state. Let me blow the clarinet for you. [spins and takes Squidward's clarinet]
- Squidward: No, no, don't touch my-
- [SpongeBob begins playing the clarinet badly, and Squidward takes it from him, causing them to fall over. Squidward's clarinet is now in SpongeBob's mouth.]
- SpongeBob: Bleh. [inhales, and launches the clarinet out of his mouth, causing him to be sent back and send the clarinet into Squidward's face, who takes the clarinet off his face and yells in frustration]
- [Bubble transition to Squidward sleeping in bed again, this time with an ice pack on his head. He once again looks around and dashes out of bed. He enters the kitchen to check on the strudel in his oven.]
- Squidward: Ah, the perfect strudel will make everything alright.
- SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! [holds out a thermometer] Time to take your temperature.
- Squidward: Get that thing away from my-! [SpongeBob shoves the thermometer into his mouth and takes it back out, leaving Squidward's tongue all over his own face.]
- SpongeBob: [looking over the thermometer] Ah, ah, ah! Woo, 98.6! Oh, Squidward, you're all better! [hugs Squidward] I'm so happy we can both go to the Krusty Krab now.
- Squidward: What? No! [shoves SpongeBob back and takes the thermometer back] Gimme that thing. You must've read it wrong. Hmm. [points to a wall] Hey, what's that over there?
- SpongeBob: Oh, cool! A wall! [dashes towards the wall and feels it] So smooth. [laughs]
- Squidward: [takes the thermometer out of the oven] Mm, hmm?
- SpongeBob: Well, that was fun. Now let's check that thermometer again, shall we?
- Squidward: [giving SpongeBob the thermometer] Here you go.
- SpongeBob: [looks at the thermometer as it quickly rises in temperature, and his eyes turn into thermometers as well. They both explode] Yikes! A fever! Squidward, we gotta cool you off! [puts Squidward into the sink and turns on the sink]
- Squidward: Stop!
- SpongeBob: You're right, you need even colder. [he runs to a tundra, runs up a mountain, enters a cave, and scares an arctic sea bear as he comes out with a bucket of ice] Thank you!
- Squidward: [gets off the sink, leaving a huge square indent in his butt] Oh boy.
- SpongeBob: [splashes the cold water onto Squidward] There. All better?
- Squidward: [shiving] N-no, you buffoon!
- SpongeBob: You're right, Squidward. I have been... buffoon.
- Squidward: W-what?!
- SpongeBob: I've been treating the symptoms instead of the sickness! [pulls out a saw]
- Squidward: Stay away from me with that thing!
- SpongeBob: But we have to figure out what you have so we can treat it!
- Squidward: [sweating] No, um, I already know what I have, it's, uh, acute... uh... spotting, uh, sclorboritis.
- SpongeBob: Acute spotting sclorboritis?! I've never heard of that one. [holds out a book] Better look i[blows onto the book to remove the dust, which gets into Squidward's nose, making him sneeze 3 times] Oh, you're getting worse! We've gotta find a cure fast! [rapidly flips through pages] I found it. Here it is.
- Squidward: [sniffling, snot dripping] You did?
- SpongeBob: Yup. And the cure seems pretty simple. [he shows the pages to Squidward as a screaming sound effect plays] See?
- Squidward: [pushes the book down] Uh, wait, wait, did I say acute spotting sclorboritis? No no no, I must've meant... uh, uh, Plerkinton's syndrome.
- SpongeBob: [flipping through pages] Found it. [shows the pages] Now, let's get to the curing, shall we?
- [Bubble transition to Squidward in a chair. SpongeBob puts a barrel on him, which puts leeches all over Squidward's body, making him scream and run away. He comes back shriveled up. Cut to Squidward sleeping, when SpongeBob is seen rubbing two jellyfish together]
- Squidward: Huh? [SpongeBob puts the two jellyfish onto Squidward, electrocuting him]
- [SpongeBob then uses a rake to rake the leaves in Squidward's lungs, making him gag. He pulls out a giant bag of leaves. Squidward then sneezes a pinecone into SpongeBob's left eye. Squidward is then seen shivering out of fear in his bed.]
- Squidward: Are we done?
- SpongeBob: Don't be silly. We've just begun. [pulls out several tools with six hands, making Squidward scream. The phone rings, which SpongeBob answers]
- SpongeBob: Tentacles residence. SpongeBob speaking.
- Mr. Krabs: [over the phone] Hello, me boy-o. How's the patient?
- Squidward: [snatches the phone] Better. I'm all better. [crying] Please, just let me go back to work.
- Mr. Krabs: Oh, nonsense. [his eyestalk comes out of the phone] You still look so sick. Better step up the cure, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: [takes back the phone] Whatever you say, Mr. Krabs! [hangs up the phone, and pulls his tie. His pants open up and he takes the cure book inside, and starts flipping through pages] Ah ha! [he comes back with a sea urchin on a metal rod] Open wide. [the sea urchin opens its eyes and growls]
- Squidward: You will not get that anywhere near my mouth.
- SpongeBob: [laughs] Guess again.
- [The scene cuts to an exterior shot of Squidward's house as Squidward is heard screaming. Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab.]
- SpongeBob: So, the book told me to stretch his nose, shock him with jellyfish, and then I scraped his lungs and then cleaned them out with a toxic eating urchin.
- Mr. Krabs: [laughs diabolically and wipes a tear from his eye] Priceless. [Squidward walks in the Krusty Krab, looking unwell] Well, Mr. Squidward, feeling better after your sick day?
- Squidward: "You might say that." [takes off the blanket and transforms into Handsome Squidward]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] He's glorious.
- Squidward: [in a deep voice] That's right! I used to be sick of everything, but I'm not sick anymore. [levitates around Mr. Krabs] I've been plagued by toxins and stress, built up over the years at this job, But SpongeBob washed those away. [Mr. Krabs gasps and falls] Now, who wants to order? [laughs, as he flexes his muscles]
- Customers: Double Krabby Patty! [more overlapping dialogue] Squidward : [stops flexing muscles and looks, frowning]
- SpongeBob: [laughs] Hey, Squidward. [pokes him with a spatula] Whoa, muscles.
- Patrick: More layer pie.
- SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.
- Squidward: [his hair falls apart] No, no, no! [melts to the bottom of the cash register, then speaks in a normal voice] I think I'm going to be sick.