Squiditis/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squiditis" from season 8, which aired on April 11, 2012.

[Episode starts in a field with the clams flying. Squidward is shown to have two clouds with a rainbow over his head, bordered by many jellyfish.]
Squidward: [sighs] My, what a beautiful day it is outside. [scene switches to Krusty Krab] Too bad I'm cooped up here in the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Who are you talking to, Squidward?
Squidward: Just like I always seem to be on a nice sunny day.
SpongeBob: Look at it this way, Squidward: Things could always be worse.
Squidward: Worse? How?
SpongeBob: Well, uh...
[fish walks by and sneezes all over a Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob: Uh...you could be sick.
Squidward: Sick? Is that really any worse?
SpongeBob: [gasps] Being sick is awful! The aches, the running nose, and the fever are bad enough. But that's not even the worst part.
Squidward: Oh, really.
SpongeBob: No. The worst part is missing a glorious shift here at the Krusty Krab.
[the words "Krusty Krab" echo in Squidward's head]
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward? Squidward!
Squidward: Huh? Oh, SpongeBob. I'm suddenly not feeling very well. [inadequately coughs]
SpongeBob: What's the matter?
Squidward: Well, Uh. Let's see. Uh. I got a scratchy throat and, uh, [sticks out his tongue] dry mouth, and my, um, uh, my eyes are itchy. [scratches his left eye vigorously]
SpongeBob: Squidward, what could it be?
Squidward: I'm not sure. But I fear I might be coming down with a dreaded illness.
SpongeBob: Ah! What is the name of this horrible illness?
Squidward: Name? Oh, uh. Per, swees, swer, squeer, uh, squid's disease.
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Squid's disease.
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Squid's disease!
SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward. I think the disease is affecting your temper.
Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob. [camera pans to find SpongeBob hiding behind three pillows] What are you doing back there?
SpongeBob: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Squidward, but I think the best thing for somebody in your condition would be to [gulps] go home and not come back until you're fully recovered.
Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, [stutters] I think you're probably right.
SpongeBob: [sniffles] I'm so sorry, Squidward.
Squidward: Well, I, I better go break the news to Mr. Krabs. [inadequately coughs again]
Mr. Krabs: You're sick?!
Squidward: [inadequately coughs]
Mr. Krabs: Well you don't look any sicker than you usually do. [Squidward frowns] You know what. I better give you the old navy onceover just to be sure.
Squidward: The what?
[Mr. Krabs lifts Squidward's nose]
Mr. Krabs: Now open wide.
[Squidward opens his mouth]
Mr. Krabs: [pulls out Squidward's tongue] Tongue looks fine. [lets it go, opens Squidward's left eyelid] Eyes, check. [knocks on Squidward's forehead]
Squidward: Ow!
Mr. Krabs: Forehead feels normal. [lifts two of Squidward's legs] Now let's see those kneecaps. [hits kneecaps, causing Squidward's legs to slowly bend upward and then back downward] Reflexes are a little slow. But I'd expect that from you.
Squidward: Wonderful.
Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, in my expert opinion, you look fit as a fiddle.
Squidward: But, Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: [slams his fist on his desk] Mr. Krabs nothing.
Squidward: But I...
Mr. Krabs: [slams his fist on his desk again] Mr. Krabs nothing!
Squidward: But, but…
Mr. Krabs: [slams his fist on his desk one last time] Mr. Krabs nothing! Just go ahead, I'm gonna keep saying it.
Squidward: And what about the customers? You don't want them to get sick, do you?
Mr. Krabs: No. And I don't want them to get hungry either. [pushes Squidward out of his office] So step to it, Mr. Squidward. Oh yeah, and get well soon. [laughs and shuts the door]
Squidward: [sighs. Fishes speak among each other in the cash register line.]
Squidward: [takes a bill from fish] SpongeBob, would you bring that order to table 3, puh-lease?
SpongeBob: [muffled] Right away, Squidward.
Squidward: SpongeBob. [SpongeBob halts] Turn around, please.
SpongeBob: [turns around and appears to be wearing a gas mask] Yes. [heavy breathing]
Squidward: And just what is that supposed to be?
SpongeBob: Oh this, it's a number 2: Krabby Patty with cheese, medium drink...
Squidward: Not that. Not that. The thing on your face.
SpongeBob: [points to his gas mask] Oh, this.
Squidward: Yes.
SpongeBob: Oh, this is a precautionary measure in case should anyone in the workplace happens to fall ill, which in this case you have. Then I wear it to protect my body from spreading germs and bacterias.
Squidward: [appears in front of SpongeBob, and lets out a breath, stretching his words] Hi SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hello Squidward.
Squidward: Could I see that?
SpongeBob: Um actually no.
Squidward: Because I find this all so very inte... [sneezes into his nose of his mask] ...resting.
[SpongeBob takes off mask, screams, and runs into Mr. Krabs' office]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Neptune's Knee-highs, lad! How many times do I have to remind you to knock?!
SpongeBob: [knocks on the door while speaking] Mis...ter...Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: That's better. Now what can I do you for?
SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He's sick.
Mr. Krabs: That's funny. You're the second person today whose told me that.
SpongeBob: Who was the first?
Mr. Krabs: Squidward. But I checked out that slimy green cashier personally, and if he's sick, then I'm the next mayor of Marmalade Mountain. [lowers his voice and ponders] Doesn't sound like a bad gig actually.
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, you have to believe me. Squidward's got a horrible disease called Squid's Disease! Scratchy throat, itchy eyes, dry mouth, fevers, and boils, and missed workdays! [panics and falls to the floor]
Fish: One Krabby Patty, please.
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, got a minute?
Squidward: Oh of course. It's not like I'm busy working or anything.
Mr. Krabs: [leans in] We've got a situation with the kid. Something's got him spooked.
[SpongeBob is shown holding his nose and mouth tightly]
Mr. Krabs: He can't cook in this condition. No cookin, no patties. No patties, no money.
Squidward: And you're telling me this, why?
Mr. Krabs: I need you to make yourself scarce for a while.
Squidward: So, you're telling me to go home?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't care where you go, just as long as you get outta here!
Squidward: Yippee! Thanks, Mr. Krabs! I mean [inadequately coughs]
SpongeBob: Poor Squidward.
[in the kitchen]
SpongeBob: My favorite thing about Krabby Patties is... [scratches his right eye] My favorite thing about Krabby Patties is... [scratches his eye once again] That's funny. My eyes feel itchy. [pauses, coughs] And my throat feels scratchy, too. [laughs, drops spatula worriedly] Itchy eyes, scratchy throat... [rubs his tongue only for smoke to come off and gasps, hoarsely] Even my mouth feels dry! [normal] I've contracted... Squid's Disease! [yells]
Mr. Krabs: [barges into the kitchen] SpongeBob, everything all right in here?
SpongeBob: Everything's fine, captain. Just a little, uh, howl for pleasure.
Mr. Krabs: Well, how about a little less pleasure and a little more work? [shuts the door]
SpongeBob: [to himself] If Mr. Krabs finds out I have the Squid's Disease, he'll send me home, just like Squidward. Wait a second! That's it! Why go home when I have Grandma's down home folk remedies right here? [fills a pot with water] Grandma always said: 'If you might be coming down with an illness, just stick your feet in hot water.' [places his feet into the water] Or was it cold water? [places his feet into the ice and shivers] Something tells me it wasn't that either. Of course! It wasn't hot water or cold water. It was boiling oil. [places his feet into fryer] Uh-huh. I can definitely feel the medicinal qualities. [takes his feet out, fried to a crisp] Oh no!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! You sure everything's alright?
SpongeBob: [places his feet and legs back into the boiling oil] Yes, everything's fine in here. [Mr. Krabs shuts the door] Just dandy. [takes his feet and legs back out] I better conceal these unsightly blemishes or Mr. Krabs will get suspicious. [smears liquid onto his right leg] This super hot spicy yellow mustard will do the trick. Oh no, actually that burns real bad. [worriedly] Stay calm. Just need to cool it off. Cucumber. Cucumber will cool it off. We'll just need to find some— [holds up a pickle jar] pickles. Pickles are like cucumbers. Sweet relief, here I come. [pours all the juice and the pickles onto his legs, sigh of relief turns into loud screams of pain] Sweet vinegar, it burns! It burns! It burns! [crashes into a trash bin and a mop. Rolls into more trash bins. Customers listen to that racket]
Frankie Billy: Do you guys hear what's going on?
Harold: Yes, and I'm very puzzled.
Nat Peterson: So am I, in fact, I might even be a little concerned.
Harold: Well, I don't know if I'd go that far.
[SpongeBob comes out of kitchen with trash covering him; crawls in front of Frankie Billy, Harold, and Nat Peterson and then lies on side]
SpongeBob: Sorry, I think I might be coming down with something.
Harold: Coming down with something?
Nat: I refuse to be served by a sick fry cook.
Harold: Me too. Let's get outta here!
Frankie Billy: Good idea!
[fish banter while two other fish march out of restaurant]
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Me customers! [looks at SpongeBob lying on back now and gasps] You look terrible.
SpongeBob: Thank you, Mr. Krabs. [coughs]
Mr. Krabs: Well, I can't just stand by while me restaurant becomes a breeding ground for infection. SpongeBob, go home. That's an order!
SpongeBob: But who's going to run the restaurant?
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Who's gonna run it? I could run this place blindfolded with one claw tied behind me back. I'll show ya.
[scene cuts to Squidward's house]
Squidward: [appears to be resting on a chair with the radio on.] [sighs] Who thought that having an illness could feel so good? [drinks beverage]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. [Squidward spits out drinks]
Squidward: Oh, no! What happened to you?
SpongeBob: I... fell ill. Mr. Krabs won't let me work again until I'm better. Well, at least we can spend the day recovering together. After all, misery loves company. Right, Squidward? [coughs. Squidward appears to have disappeared] Squidward?
[inside Squidward's house]
Squidward: Well, so much for enjoying the great outdoors. But at least I can relax and enjoy… [sighs] some afternoon tea.
SpongeBob: That sounds like a great idea, Squidward!
Squidward: [drops tea and screams] SpongeBob, what have I told you about coming into my house?
SpongeBob: I figured I can't make you well, Squidward, but I can at least make you comfortable. I brought hot compresses, tissues, the good kind with snail butter, and even a romantic comedy for us to watch. I know they're supposed to be funny, but they always make me cry.
[in the Krusty Krab, the customers are in a riot]
Mr. Krabs: 25 Krabby Patties! [leaps into kitchen and sprints out with Krabby Patties. Throws food randomly] Order up! Order up! Order up!
Thaddeus: Hey I didn't order a table patty! [Krabby Patty appears to be splattered on table]
Shubie: Yeah or a window patty!
Fish 3: Or a face patty, I want a refund!
[fish start riot yelling refund. In Squidward's house]
Television: Female: I love you Ted. Male: Ditto. [both engage in laughing]
SpongeBob: [seen crying and blows into tissue] Wasn't that great, Squidward?
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, howdy. That's too bad it had to end. Finally.
SpongeBob: Oh don't worry, we have all 99 sequels to watch next.
Squidward: Oh would you look at that. I'm suddenly feeling much, much better. I think I'm going back to work now, bye. [rushes out his house and back to work being followed by SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward, wait! Squidward! You're not well enough to return to work! I can't let you.
Squidward: Please just stop! Stop following me.
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
SpongeBob and Squidward: [both gasp] Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: [appears to be lying on ground with mustard and buns covering him] I told you. I could run this place all by myself. Blindfolded with one claw tied behind me back.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, what are you doing here lying on the floor?
Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, funny you should ask. Because in me expert medical opinion, I think I may be coming down with a nasty case of Squid's Disease.
SpongeBob: Squid's Disease? I know just the cure! [holds up romantic comedy tape]
Mr. Krabs: Romantic Comedy?! No! [crawls away] Ahh! Get that thing away from me!