This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Squidina's Little Helper" from season 1, which aired on August 6, 2021.
- [The episode begins at the Star family home in the early morning, when Squidina's alarm clock goes off. She wakes up and turns it off. She puts her glasses on and yawns. She pours a cup of coffee and drinks it, then jumps out of bed as the light turns on.]
- Squidina: I'm ready! To get this show on the road!
- [Squidina runs into the kitchen and takes out a tray of muffins, using oven mitts.]
- Squidina: Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot, oh!
- [She drops the muffins and runs to a camera in the hallway.]
- Squidina: Hmm... Mmm?
- [She squirts glue on the wall and throws three pillows at it, then stands back to admire her work. She rolls a barrel into the shower and tapes a toothbrush to the wall, then squirts toothpaste on it and turns the shower on. She uses a paint roller to spread jelly on the hallway, into Patrick's room, and up to his bed. She checks her watch and then bangs a gong. Patrick wakes up and slides out of bed and into the hallway. He crashes into the pillows and spins into the shower, falling into the barrel and spinning while his teeth are brushed. His tooth shines.]
- Patrick: Ooh!
- [Patrick falls onto the floor and sees a muffin.]
- Patrick: Muffins!
- [Patrick eats the muffins and crawls through a pile of clothes, putting him into his normal clothes. Squidina puts a muffin on a chair and Patrick eats it, then sits down.]
- Squidina: Morning, big bro. Oh?
- [Close-up of Patrick's ugly face as a donkey brays. Squidina throws a pie at his face and shaves him with a giant handheld razor, cutting his face skin off.]
- Patrick: Morning, little sis!
- Squidina: It's almost showtime!
- [She pushes Patrick outside, then runs back in and pulls a lever on the wall. Curtains open to show Patrick addressing his audience.]
- Patrick: Babies and gentlemen!
- [There are fancy fish and a baby on the front lawn.]
- Fancy fish: Oh, that's us! [high-fives baby]
- Patrick: Welcome to "The Patrick Show," starring... [drumroll] uh...
- [Squidina pulls a lever. A mirror on a rope descends, and Patrick looks at himself with it.]
- Patrick: Me! Me is Patrick!
- [The audience claps. Squidina sits down, exhausted, and wipes sweat off her brow.]
- French Narrator: [narrating time card] Later...
- [Backstage, Squidina is reading a script.]
- Patrick: [off-screen] Squidina! I'm done with the wild animal bit!
- Squidina: [tired] On it.
- [Squidina pulls in a sea bear on a rope.]
- Squidina: [grunting] Come here, you...
- Sea bear: [roars]
- Squidina: [snaps] None of that on my set, [leans forward] do you hear? [points off-screen]
- [The sea bear whimpers and locks itself in a cage.]
- Squidina: Good boy. [to Patrick, who is off-screen] Hey, big bro, did that sea bear hurt you?
- [Patrick walks in, bruised and with his clothes ripped.]
- Patrick: I don't think so. [his body splits apart] Why do you ask?
- French Narrator: [narrating time card] Later still...
- [Squidina is on the phone.]
- Squidina: [angry] Look, you promised me 5,000 clowns on Friday's "Patrick Show." So you're gonna get me 5,000 clowns on Friday for "The Patrick Show." I'm not clowning around!
- [She puts the phone down and sighs, then pours a cup of tea for her doll.]
- Squidina: I'm getting too old for this, Mrs. StitchyBottoms. [sighs]
- [Patrick walks in, whistling and set on fire. Squidina hoses him off.]
- Patrick: Another great show in the can, huh, sis? [shakes water off] Sis?
- [Squidina, now with stubble, groans.]
- Patrick: Squidina, what's the matter?
- Squidina: Oh, producing "The Patrick Show" every day has got me burning the candle at both ends.
- Patrick: [with a candle burning at both ends in his head] Yeah, I hear ya. [takes out candle]
- Squidina: I think I need an extra pair of hands around here.
- Patrick: Well, why didn't you say so? [holds up a pair of hands] Here you go.
- Squidina: I meant we should hire an intern.
- Patrick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant, too.
- [Cecil walks in.]
- Cecil: My hands! You found them. Thank you, son. Thank you. Now, back to business. [picks his nose with the hands] Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
- Squidina: Ew...
- French Narrator: [narrating time card] More later-er...
- [There is a long line of people in front of the Star house.]
- Squidina: [off-screen] Next!
- [Squidina sits behind a desk, assessing interviewees.]
- Bunny: [holding a resume] I'm here for the intern interview!
- Squidina: Ugh, Mom! Next!
- Ice cream cone: [holding a resume] I'm sweet!
- [Patrick jumps and eats the ice cream cone.]
- Squidina: Next!
- Slappy: [appears and laughs creepily] Ohhh...
- Squidina: Next! [pauses] I said next! [a resume appears from below her] Hmm? [a small crab is holding it towards her] Oh! [takes it] I didn't see you there, um...
- Fentin: Fentin Finkle.
- Squidina: Right, Fentin. [reading resume] Well, I see here that you are younger than me and shorter than me. According to Kid Law, that means you have to do what I say.
- Fentin: I like TV.
- Squidina: Well, that settles it! Welcome aboard! Your training starts tomorrow morning.
- Fentin: Oh, thank you! Thank you!
- [A green star wipe transitions to the exterior of the Star house that night. The alarm rings, and Squidina reaches out for it, but Fentin shuts it off for her.]
- Squidina: [screams]
- [Fentin pours Squidina a cup of coffee and gives it to her. Squidina drinks it. A live-action coffeemaker transitions to Squidina and Fentin in the kitchen. Fentin takes out muffins and runs towards the camera.]
- Fentin: Ooh, hot! [giggling]
- [Fentin tapes Patrick's toothbrush to the shower and squirts toothpaste on it. Squidina sets him down and they give each other thumbs ups. Fentin jumps on the glue to squeeze it on the wall, but hits Patrick. Patrick gives a thumbs-up and laughs. Fentin and Squidina laugh. As Patrick is performing, Squidina takes Fentin backstage.]
- Squidina: This is the operations board. Each lever performs a necessary function to keep "The Patrick Show" running smoothly.
- Fentin: Hmm. [takes notes]
- Squidina: This one, for example, tosses the chainsaws to Patrick. [pulls wall lever] And this one moves him to his next mark. [pulls floor lever]
- [A gloved hand pulls Patrick out of the way before the chainsaws can hit him.]
- Fentin: What does this one do? [pulls a green wall lever]
- [A hand comes down and slaps Patrick, pokes his eyes, and smacks him on the head, then hits him multiple times.]
- Squidina: [adjusts lever] That's our "slapstick" lever. We try not to overuse that one.
- [Patrick zones out and begins drooling. The audience is distracted.]
- Squidina: [gasps] Dead air? We need a new segment, ASAP. Time for an idea brick!
- [She pulls a lever and a brick drops on Patrick. He gets an idea.]
- Patrick: Puppet ham!
- Squidina: Sounds like we're doing a puppet show. Follow me! [grunts and pushes a box out of the way, leading her and Fentin into an air duct] This secret crawlspace runs all over the house. It lets me stay off camera while still getting me where I need to go!
- [Fentin opens a door and looks in.]
- Fentin: Ooh!
- [GrandPat is lounging in a Roman-themed room. He feeds his beard some grapes.]
- GrandPat: Who's a hungry boy? Dig in, so you can grow up big and bristly! [laughs]
- Squidina: [shuts door, seriously] The puppets are this way.
- [Squidina and Fentin look out of a puppet theater, which Patrick shakes.]
- Patrick: Hello! Wake up, you lazy puppets! What's your guys' deal?
- Fentin: [as pig puppet] Well, hello there, Patrick! Welcome back to the Kingdom of Hamdonia! [pulls up cardboard cutout]
- Patrick: Well, it's about time you got here, King Pork Chop. I'm hungry!
- Squidina: You're always hungry!
- Patrick: Make with the meat for my mouth!
- Squidina: [sighs] Fine. Aloysius!
- [Fentin and Squidina are operating the puppets inside the theater.]
- Squidina: Pss! Fentin!
- Fentin: Oh! Okay! [puts puppet up] Eat the meat!
- [He hits Patrick with a cart that has a sausage in it.]
- Patrick: Ow! Hey! [suspicious] You're pushier than I remember. Are you an imposter? Am I an imposter? I don't know what's real anymore! [eats sausage and cries, the puppets go away] Thanks. [waves] That's it for "The Patrick Show"!
- [The audience members walk away.]
- Fancy female fish: Well, that's over... [mumbling]
- [Old Man Walker sticks his head out of the ground and looks around, then goes back underground. Patrick waves as Squidina puts straws in juice boxes.]
- Squidina: And that, Fentin, is how you make a "Patrick Show." Any questions?
- Patrick: Yeah. Who's Patrick?
- [Fentin pulls a lever that drops a square mirror, which Patrick looks in.]
- Patrick: Oh, yeah, that guy!
- [Patrick, Squidina, and Fentin toast their juice boxes together and laugh. Cut to an exterior shot of the Star house at night. The sun comes up. Squidina reaches for her alarm clock, but everything in the room besides her mattress is gone.]
- Squidina: [gasps] What the shrimp? [star wipe to the empty studio room] Someone stole my production equipment!
- Patrick: They stole my soiled doily collection! [takes out a stained doily]
- Squidina: Ew!
- Cecil: [close-up on his head] They stole my face! [his head is on backwards, and GrandPat turns his body around] Oh. [chuckles weakly]
- Bunny: Who would do such a thing?
- [Noise is heard coming from the TV.]
- Fentin: [on TV] Good morning, Bikini Bottom, and welcome to "The Crabina Show"! [a hand pushes Crabina on-stage] Starring my big sister, Crabina!
- Crabina: I'm Crabina?
- Squidina: [gasps] Fentin! He stole "The Patrick Show"! And everything else we own too!
- Patrick: Well, we had a good run. [yawns] I'm gonna take a floor nap.
- GrandPat: A nap? We Stars don't give up that easy! Did I give up when dinosaurs stole my lunch money?
- Patrick: I don't know.
- GrandPat: Did I give up when the barbarian horde swept across the ocean and stole my lunch money?
- Patrick: I don't know.
- GrandPat: Did I give up when Martians invaded and beamed me onto their spaceship and stole my lunch money?
- Patrick: I don't know!
- GrandPat: Of course I didn't! [takes out hoagie] How do you think I bought this hot sammy? [eats it] Mmm! Now let's go get your stuff back. Time for some pillaging!
- Patrick, Bunny, Cecil, and Squidina: Yeah!
- [Star wipe to Ouchie on a leash, sniffing a juice box Squidina is holding. Patrick is wearing medieval armor.]
- Squidina: That's it, get his scent. Lead us right to Fentin!
- [Ouchie snarls and jumps off. Patrick gets dragged around the house by him. Ouchie drags Patrick through a narrow hole, and they stop outside of a thermos-shaped house right across the street.]
- Squidina: You did it! Good boy, Ouchie! [wields sword] Time to show Fentin who's boss!
- GrandPat, Bunny, Cecil, and Squidina: [wield weapons] Charge!
- [They run into Fentin's house and start smashing the place.]
- Squidina: He's gotta be in here somewhere. Find him!
- [Bunny smashes and flips a dinosaur display. GrandPat maces a puppet theater, then he and Cecil tip it over. Squidina destroys a crate and Patrick bangs the wall. They stop and notice something.]
- Squidina and Patrick: Huh?
- [Fentin turns around on his chair.]
- Fentin: [claps and giggles]
- Patrick: [screams]
- Squidina: We're here for our stuff, Fentin!
- Fentin: Take it! The network saw our show this morning and picked us up for six seasons.
- Crabina: Yeah! "The Crabina Show" is going global!
- Fentin: Besides, your stuff is all smashed up anyway.
- [GrandPat smashes an axe into some exposed wiring and gets electrocuted.]
- Squidina: Great plan you had there, GrandPat.
- GrandPat: Ah, don't blame me just 'cause you can't pillage responsibly. [eats hoagie]
- [Transition to the Star house at night.]
- Fentin: Welcome back to "The Crabina Show"!
- [On Crabina's show, she does the same slapstick routine Patrick did. Patrick, Bunny, and Cecil laugh, while Squidina groans.]
- Patrick: You can never have too much slapstick. [laughs] What's the matter, sis? Are you sad that Fentin stole our ideas and used them to achieve television success beyond our wildest dreams?
- Squidina: [quietly] Maybe a little.
- Patrick: [gets up and points his finger in the air] Well, I won't stand for it! TV should only make you happy! [grabs Tinkle] Come here, boy!
- Tinkle: [barking and snarling]
- [Patrick drops Tinkle into the TV set.]
- Patrick: Sic 'em, Tinkle!
- [Fentin and Crabina get chased around on-stage by Tinkle. Patrick and Squidina laugh.]
- Squidina: Now that's good television!