Squidina's Holidaze Special/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Squidina's Holidaze Special" from season 3, which aired on December 2, 2024.

[The episode opens with a shot of the Star house at Christmas. Snowmen shaped like Patrick and Squidina are in the front yard. Snowflakes fall. Squidina is seen with a candy cane in her mouth, writing at a desk and putting papers on a stack. She writes on the typewriter and pushes it back, then puts more papers on the stack. She pushes the typewriter back, spits out the candy cane, and drinks coffee as she types with her feet. The typewriter pings as different things are seen on her desk as time passes: half-eaten Christmas cookies, an empty cup of coffee, a soda cup, then two cups together, and another empty coffee cup. The stack of paper grows until it is much bigger. Squidina puts a final paper on top and flips it over, revealing the title "Squidina's Holidaze Special." Cut to Patrick, wearing a Christmas sweater, taking a gift out from under the tree.]
Patrick: [shakes the present, grunting]
Squidina: [taps him on the shoulder]
Patrick: [panics] Oh! [hides gift behind his back] Santa, please don't put me on the naughty list. I-- [sees Squidina, who looks tired] Oh, oh, it's just you. Ooh, are you okay?
Squidina: [tired] It took three consecutive all-nighters and more coffee than a 3rd grader should ever drink, [holds out script] but I finished my script for the school play just in time.
Patrick: Ooh. [throws away present, grabs at script] I wanna pretend to read it! [looks in his palms] Huh?
Squidina: Sorry, Patrick, this is my only copy, and if anything happened to it, I'd probably fail [yawns] drama class.
Patrick: [reaches out for the script]
Squidina: So please... don't touch it. [collapses]
Patrick: [pokes her with his foot] Nudge. Nudge. Oh, I hope Santa isn't watching. He wouldn't mind if I took a little peek. [takes the script, giggles, knocks into a table with a coffee cup] Huh?
[The cup falls on the paper and soaks it.]
Patrick: [screams, looks around] Gotta clean it, gotta clean it! [wrings the coffee into his mouth, gargles, puts the script on a table] I'm sure it'll be fine [takes out a hair dryer] once I dry it.
[The dryer blows the papers around the room. Patrick panics, knocks the table away, and grabs the papers. He peels one off a lollipop painting.]
Squidina: [snoring]
[Patrick takes a page as it falls on her. He pulls one away from Ouchie.]
Ouchie: [growling]
Patrick: [placing the papers together] Whew! That was almost a disaster.
[Zoom out to show he put the papers in a shredder.]
Patrick: [screams, pulls the papers away and they land in a woodchipper, screams]
Squidina: [snoring]
Patrick: [gasps] I can still fix this! [forms the paper scraps into a pinata, then a trophy, then a statue of him holding a chicken]
[Cut to the outside of the house as construction noises are heard. Slappy comes out of the Patrick snowman. Patrick is seen welding something in the garage.]
Patrick: [lifts mask] I can't believe it worked. [the script is restored, he throws the blowtorch away and takes the script] All fixed.
[Smoke comes from the right side of the garage as a smoke alarm blares. A loud crash and a burst of smoke appear as Patrick gets back to Squidina and puts the script in her hand.]
Squidina: Fade out, end of dream. Where am I? [looks at script] What's this? [gasps] The play! We're gonna be late. Come on, Patrick. [drags him] Let's go!
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom School, with an announcement board reading "Happy Break! You Don't Have to Go Home, But You Can't Stay Here." The auditorium is right next to it.]
Audience: [chattering]
Mr. Steinman: [looks around, taps his foot] All right, class. [talks to the actors] It looks like our illustrious playwright, Squidina, is a no-show. [takes out red pen] That's a failing grade for her. [clicks red pen] And the audience does not sound happy.
Audience: We're not happy! We're not happy!
Patrick: [kicks door open, holding Squidina] Wait!
[Mr. Steinman is about to fail Squidina's class. Patrick kicks the curtains open like a door and makes him fall on his face. He bounces Squidina off her teacher.]
Patrick: [grunts] Here's the author!
Squidina: [pants, gives the script to a kid dressed as Neptune] Sorry I'm late. [gives them to kids dressed like a princess and an Irishman] I had to make copies for everyone. [throws one at a kid dressed like Cupid] Learn your lines! Good luck, everyone. [gasps] I mean, break a leg! [gets off Mr. Steinman] Where's Mr. Steinman? [gets back on him] He's got to grade my play.
Mr. Steinman: [groans, takes Squidina off] Let's just get this over with. [clicks pen]
Squidina: [nervously giggles]
[Cut to Bunny, Cecil, and GrandPat in the audience.]
Bunny: Oh! Our little girl's first play.
Cecil: [smacks camcorder, drops it] Oopsy!
[A mother walks past. Bunny grabs her arm.]
Bunny: My daughter is directing this play.
Mother: [chuckles] I only care about my own kids. [walks away] Toodle-oo!
GrandPat: Huh! I wish I had kids I cared about.
Cecil: [stands up and hits GrandPat with the camcorder]
GrandPat: [gets knocked out]
Cecil: Now how the heck do I...? Oh, right. [close-up of Cecil's eye, then zoom out to show the view of the recorder] Testing.
Bunny: [pointing] Look, there she is! There she is!
[The camera view focuses on Squidina looking out from between the curtains.]
Bunny: Oh, our little director. I am so proud of her.
[The camcorder's battery flashes and it shuts off. GrandPat gets up and Cecil hits him with it again.]
Cecil: Huh. That's odd. Must've run out of time. [puts quarters in the camcorder] Better add more quarters to the meter.
[The lights dim and the curtain opens.]
Bunny: Oh. Oh! Shh, shh! It's starting. It's starting.
Cecil: [sputters, puts quarters in faster]
[The kids are seen on stage, with another dressed like a leprechaun and one dressed as Romeo.]
Kids: [singing] ♪ It's a holiday play. It's a holiday play. ♪
Audience: Aww...
Squidina: Oh! They like it.
Kids: [singing] ♪ And we're here to say, it's a wonderful day. ♪
[A kid dressed as Cupid comes down.]
Cupid kid: [singing] ♪ We celebrate in different ways, [reading script] like eating cake and mayonnaise? ♪
Kids: [singing] ♪ We ride a goose and honk our horn, and then we put some butter on the corn. ♪
Audience: [confused muttering]
Squidina: [flips through script] Wait a minute, this isn't what I wrote. What's going on?
Kids: [faintly, singing in background] ♪ It's a holiday play. It's a holiday play. ♪
Patrick: [comes down in ropes from the rafters] Yeah, I may have done a few punch-ups on your script.
Squidina: You what?
Kids: [getting into a school bus prop] ♪ It's a hollandaise sauce, it's a game of lacrosse, it's some old dental floss. ♪
Patrick: Well, let's just say it went through some adjustments. There was some spilling. Some minor shredding...
Kids: [singing, inaudible] ♪ We pet our pickled octopus... ♪ [inaudible]
Stagehand: [reads script, confused] Huh? Well, if that's what the director wants. [puts a firework on the bus]
Squidina: You shredded and rewrote my script?
Kids: [singing] ♪ La la la la la la la la ♪
[The stagehand ties the firework to the bus and lights the fuse.]
Patrick: Oh, yeah. You know the first draft always needs some polishing, and sometimes welding.
[The firework goes off, sending the kids flying out of the auditorium.]
Kids: [screaming]
Squidina: [angrily looks at Patrick]
Patrick: [nervous chuckle, drops rope and a sandbag drops on his head]
Squidina: [grabs Patrick's shirt] Patrick. This play is 95% of my final grade and all my actors are [points diagonally up] in orbit because of your script changes! [pokes his stomach] Now get in costume and [pokes him again] help me fix this!
Patrick: [smiles nervously]
Squidina: [looks out at the audience]
Mr. Steinman: Well, that was a bomb. [writing] F minus.
Squidina: [stands on the chair next to him] Wait! You can't give me an [grabs his shirt] F! [chuckles playfully] Because we're just getting started. And it's time for the next act.
[She climbs the seats, hitting an old lady twice and making her spit out her dentures. Cecil has put another quarter into the camcorder.]
Squidina: Hi, family. Hope you're enjoying the show. [picks up GrandPat] Just gonna borrow GrandPat for a moment.
GrandPat: Whoa! What the--?
Squidina: Just go with the flow. You'll be great.
GrandPat: Have you talked to my agent?
Squidina: [throws him on-stage, dressed in a cloak]
[Patrick is on stage, dressed in a diaper and top hat and holding a cane.]
GrandPat: [moans]
Patrick: Five, six, seven, eight.
Patrick and GrandPat: [singing and dancing] ♪ It's a holiday play! Me love holiday! ♪
Patrick: [chuckles] Yeah!
GrandPat: [pulls beard] ♪ I'm Father Time! ♪
Patrick: ♪ I'm the New Year's bay-bay! ♪ [sucks thumb]
GrandPat: ♪ So listen up... ♪
Patrick and GrandPat: ♪ To what we say! We're gonna take you on a tour through every single holiday! ♪
[The stagehand shrugs and throws a box of fireworks, which explode as Patrick and GrandPat sing their final note. One lands in their hands and blows them up.]
Squidina: [flips through script] Sweet Neptune. I hope this works.
SpongeBob: [hops in wearing a bunny outfit] As requested, [salutes] the Easter Bunny reporting for duty. [shakes his bunny tail] How do I look?
Squidina: Sorry, SpongeBob. Rewrites. You're not the Easter Bunny anymore, uh. [looks at script] You're playing, uh, the other guy. Go get some boots or something.
SpongeBob: Aye-aye! [hops away]
Patrick: [off-screen] Introducing Groundhog Day!
Squidina: Oh, no! My groundhog was on that bus!
[Cut back to the bus, where the kids are screaming. A groundhog in a helmet is driving the bus and screaming.]
Squidina: We need to recast the part! [looking through the audience, picks up fish] Let's see. Groundhog. Groundhog. [puts the fish on Mr. Steinman's head and puts his hat on him] Don't mind me. [moves a fish and sits next to Sandy] Aha! Sandy! [knocks on her helmet, enters her suit and whispers]
Sandy: I'll do it!
Squidina: [picks her up] Thank you! [throws her]
Sandy: Whoa!
Squidina: Uh, now for the shadow. [sees Perch, gasps] You! [lifts his headset and whispers]
Perch: Perch Perkins reporting, I'll do it! [gets thrown on stage] Whoa!
Squidina: [gets on stage and puts a black bag over him] Here, put this on.
Perch: [speaking into microphone] Folks, I'm either participating in a kids' play or being kidnapped. [gets put in bag] Stay tuned.
Patrick: [wearing a chef outfit and holding a worm hog over a grinder, the stagehand grinds it and reads a script] The most important part of Groundhog Day is picking the perfect hog to grind.
Worm hog: [snarling]
Sandy: [kicks it all away] That ain't what Groundhog Day [lifts his head off the ground] is all about, you clodhopper. [throws him away, puts on a cowboy hat]
[Squidina pushes Perch on as the shadow and the curtains open to show a desert scene. The stagehand ties Perch's feet to Sandy's feet.]
Sandy: I'll tell you the history. Groundhog Day has origins in European weather folklore. And...
Squidina: [gets in audience and points to script] Ahem. The script...
Sandy: Oh... Okay. [as Perch imitates her actions] It's where a groundhog's shadow doesn't want winter to end so it, um... [reads the script] Huh? "...challenges the groundhog to single combat"?
Perch: [martial arts grunts] News flash! Your time in the sun is over. [strikes pose]
Sandy: [readies to fight] Oh! Spring's not going down without a fight.
Perch: [takes off hood] This just in: it's on! [puts it back on]
Sandy: Hi-yah!
[They attack each other in a dust cloud fight.]
Perch: Breaking news!
Sandy: You mean, [punches him in the face] breaking nose! How about some shadow boxing?
Perch: Six more weeks of [uppercuts her] pain!
Sandy: Time to [kicks him into the air] spring forward! [they keep fighting, Sandy stands on him] And just like that, winter was over.
[GrandPat drags Perch across the floor, dragging Sandy by the rope.]
Sandy: Hey! My shadow's supposed to be following me. Whoa-oh-a-oh!
Patrick: [comes in riding on the worm] And that's where sausage comes from.
Worm hog: [squeals and rides away]
Patrick: Oh! Oh! Ow! [crashing thud]
Cecil: [shaking camera] Oh, come on, why isn't this thing working? [bashes it on the guy in front of him, camera spool comes out and covers two]
Audience members: [grunting, groaning, angry grumbling]
Bunny: [to them] Pay attention now or you'll miss my little boy. [turns their heads forward] Isn't he talented?
[Patrick is seen on-stage, picking his belly button.]
GrandPat: [shaking script] I can't make heads or tails of this dadgum script. What comes next?
Patrick: [pulls out his heart] Ew! What is this?
GrandPat: It's a heart. I used to have one of those. Valentines Day must be next.
Audience member: Isn't this supposed to be a Christmas play?
Bubble Bass: [in audience, slurping soda] False advertising. Not to mention, this acting is atrocious.
Granny Tentacles: A half dead imbecile could do better than this.
Squidina: [shows up behind them with scripts] Then you two will be perfect. Knock 'em dead! [gives them scripts]
Bubble Bass: What the...?
[Squidina presses a button to launch Bubble Bass and Granny Tentacles out of their seats.]
Granny Tentacles: Whoa!
[Bubble Bass falls through a clothes hanger and wears a Romeo outfit. He lands on stage, which is decorated with a balcony setting.]
Bubble Bass: [sweats and stammers, then clears throat and reads script] Oh, Cupid, I have searched the entire sea. Bring forth my true love to me.
[Baby Prunes descends with a halo, wings, and a bucket of arrows.]
Bubble Bass: [screams] Are you supposed to be my true love? Thank-ye not.
Baby Prunes: No. I'm Cupid. [points away] Your girlfriend's up there.
[A tower is wheeled in, wih Granny Tentacles in a princess outfit.]
Bubble Bass: I suppose that's an improvement. [runs up the stairs, reads script] Oh, my love, how I yearn for your embrace-- And then... they kiss. [eyes pop open, reads script in horror] And then they kiss!?
Granny Tentacles: I hope he brushed his teeth this morning.
Bubble Bass: I hope she wore hers.
[They gulp and pucker up, preparing to kiss. Lightning appears between them.]
Audience: [gasps]
[A white flash. Bubble Bass and Granny Tentacles are both kissing Cyberpat.]
Cyberpat: [chuckles] Clever trick. [his rocket feet burn the props] But that won't work on me!
Bubble Bass and Granny Tentacles: [fall over and scream]
Cyberpat: [points to the audience] Now, hand over Cupid! [flies to the stage] I come from a future where Cupid's army of [zoom in to his visor, showing a destroyed futuristic Bikini Bottom] stale candy-hearts have unleashed their never-ending sugar war.
[Three candy droids wreak havoc on the city.]
Robotic candy heart: [monotone robot voice] I love you. [blasts a laser through a building, creating a heart-shaped hole and then exploding it]
Cyberpat: Now I've returned to stop this future from ever coming to pass! [unveils a robotic claw weapon] By destroying the one you call [launches lightning from it] Cupid! [gets shot by a sticky dart, falls over]
Baby Prunes: Hah! Nice try, muscles. [drops candy hearts] Here, have some candy. I'm sure you'll love it.
Cyberpat: [scans the candy hearts, visor is static then turns into a pixelated heart, picks one up] I see now that I was wrong to hate those beautiful candy hearts. [shoots a portal and runs in] I'm coming, my love! Be mine! [gets blasted by a laser and disintegrates, portal disappears]
Baby Prunes: [laughs, rises up, curtains close]
Mr. Steinman: [flatly] Hmm, an interesting take.
Squidina: [looks out, closes curtains] This isn't going as badly as I expected.
[Baby Prunes screams and a section of the rafters comes down.]
Baby Prunes: Ow!
Squidina: [laughs weakly]
SpongeBob: [walks in wearing a cowboy hat and big boots] How do these boots look, [makes finger gun] pardner?
Squidina: What? [slaps forehead] No, wrong boots. Where's your beard? Where's your big coat?
SpongeBob: One big coat comin' up. [walks away]
[Squidina facepalms. End of Part 1.]
[Part 2 begins. Cut to the outside of Dr. Plankenstein's castle, decorated with Christmas lights. SpongeMonster and Patgor are digging through vats of organs and Christmas decorations while something is covered on a tarp next to them.]
SpongeMonster: [laughing]
Patgor: [laughing]
SpongeMonster: Hey, Patgor. [smashes the tray on his face and has organs on it] Peekaboo!
Patgor: [puts organs and eyes on him] Peekaboo!
Dr. Plankenstein: [jumps between them] Hey, you two egg-noggins. [pushes them apart] Get back to work!
SpongeMonster: Okay!
[SpongeMonster and Patgor put ornaments and organs inside the thing under the tarp. Patgor dumps a box out and puts a leafy ornament in.]
Patgor: And to tie it all together...
Dr. Plankenstein: [jumps on a lever] Hold on to your jingle bells, boys.
[A lightning rod with Christmas baubles rises out of the castle and gets struck. The lightning travels across the current and shocks the tarp.]
Dr. Plankenstein: Yes! It's alive!
[A Christmas tree with eyes and bones sticking out comes out from the tarp.]
Dr. Plankenstein: The Christmas Spirit is alive! [jumps up and down]
SpongeBob and Patgor: [dancing]
Christmas Spirit: [dances, grunts, spits out a present from an organ in its bottom]
SpongeMonster: [picks it up] Ohhh!
Patgor: [knocks his head against the present to break it]
[The present has a Christmas sweater with a candy cane, carried in a plate of green slime.]
SpongeMonster and Patgor: Merry Christmas, boss!
Dr. Plankenstein: [takes it, unamused] Thanks. Just what I always wanted.
[A camera shutter clicks. A framed portrait appears with them all taking a picture together, and Dr. Plankenstein is wearing the sweater. The caption "Happy (Horrible) Holidays From Dr. Plankenstein and the Gang" appears. Fade to Patrick, still wearing his diaper and top hat, exiting the curtains like a door.]
Patrick: And now to celebrate my [shakes a foam finger with an image of himself on it] favorite day! [pulls a rope and an image of him on the curtain descends] Patrick's Day! [he bows as Patrick balloons fall down]
Audience: [cheering]
GrandPat: [exits the curtain] It's not Patrick's Day, you buffoon! [pulls the rope to close the curtains] It's Saint Patrick's Day.
Patrick: What's the difference?
[GrandPat steps on a wooden beam and launches Patrick into the audience, between Mr. Krabs and Plankton.]
Patrick: [screams]
[Squidina grabs Mr. Krabs]
Krabs: Hey!
[She then picks up Plankton by his antennae.]
Plankton: Whoa!
[The curtains open to show a St. Patrick's Day landscape. Squidina pushes Krabs in, who is now wearing an Irishman outfit.]
GrandPat: [narrating] Saint Patrick's Day apparently commemorates the brave deeds of Saint Patrick, [shamrocks fall down and the background changes to a more realistic landscape] who opposed [Plankton appears behind a pot of gold and uses his magic to turn it into a rainbow] the evil green leprechauns, who were using their dark magic to turn pots of gold into rainbows.
Plankton: [stands in front of a pot, uses his magic and disintegrates the gold as a rainbow comes out, maniacal laughing]
Krabs: [eyes show the gold disintegrating, growls and gets charged with electricity, burst of light comes from him]
GrandPat: [narrating] So powering up his strength to its maximum level, Saint Patrick did battle with the leprechaun.
Plankton: [laughing] Ooh?
[Krabs dashes over and punches the ground, where Plankton barely escapes. In slow-motion, they glare at each other. Krabs punches Plankton rapidly, but he avoids them and shoots magic blasts, which Krabs dodges. The two punch at the same time and hold their fists against each other, each growing muscles. The ground beneath them sinks and a green light comes out of it, causing a giant explosion. Plankton is in a small crater on the side of the hill.]
Plankton: [groaning]
[Krabs takes out a cane. Plankton fires a magic blast, which Krabs deflects, and it blows up behind him. Plankton charges up an attack while doing a jig, and Krabs stomps on him, tgeb picks him up. Plankton sputters.]
Plankton: Huh?
[Krabs readies up an attack.]
GrandPat: [narrating] Saint Patrick delivered one final blow.
Plankton: Hold it! [zoom out to show the play landscape, a cardboard bush falls down jumps out of Krabs' grasp and takes out script] Who wrote this malarkey?
Patrick: [off-screen] Hey!
Plankton: [sees script] Wow, so original. The villain gets defeated. [jumps down] Don't you people wanna see something new?
Audience: No?
Plankton: Something cutting edge?
Audience: No?
Plankton: [spotlight appears on him] Well, I've got something to say!
Krabs: [gets ready to hit him with club] All right, Shakespeare, this is your final act.
Plankton: Take a hike. I'm building a moment.
Krabs: [hits him away] Fore!
Plankton: [screams, flies to the bus]
Kids: [screaming]
Plankton: Any room?
Princess kid: No, we're full.
Plankton: [smashes into coral tree, grunts] Okay. [gets flung away and screams]
Krabs: [laughs, walks off-screen]
Audience: [laughing]
Mr. Steinman: [laughing]
Squidina: [sees him laughing and laughs nervously, she notices him] Uh, I should probably get backstage.
[The stage shows a sun and a giant bunny statue in a nest of eggs. GrandPat comes out of the basket.]
GrandPat: [reading script] To celebrate Easter, a special treat. We hid chocolate eggs under your seat.
Audience: [gasps happily, looks under their seats]
Patrick: [walks in with chocolate stains on his body, sucking his hand] Uh, that segment's been cut.
Audience: [disappointed] Aww...
GrandPat: [reading script] But don't worry... there's an even sweeter treat on the next page.
[He takes out part of a page, which Patrick is eating.]
Patrick: [munching] Had to cut that one too.
[Backstage, SpongeBob approaches Squidina, wearing a giant coat.]
SpongeBob: I'm back!
Squidina: [horn sounds, sees SpongeBob with a beard at the top of the coat]
SpongeBob: How do ya like this coat?
Squidina: What is this? No, no, no no! A red coat! [picks up coat arm] With the fluffy trim!
SpongeBob: [off-screen] Ooh, fluffy trim? [walks out of the coat] Coming right up! [walks away]
Squidina: Wait, how did you...
[She opens the coat and an elevator falls down. Patrick is inside, wearing a suit.]
Patrick: Going up?
Squidina: Patrick, [grabs him] you're supposed to be on stage! Oh, no, the teacher.
[They look at the stage. Mr. Steinman looks bored, then sulks in his chair.]
Squidina: We're losing him! We gotta get to the good part!
Patrick: I know! [close-up on his face] Holiday lightning round!
[Patrick is wearing an Uncle Sam hat and sitting on a giant firework.]
Patrick: The Fourth of July!
[The firework explodes, leaving his imprint on the wall. He is seen holding two boxes on his fists and wearing a box helmet.]
Patrick: Boxing Day!
[He gets punched by Hans, who has a box on his fist. Patrick is tied to a ball and chain, wearing a mining helmet, and mining rocks.]
Patrick: Labor Day!
[Patrick is wearing an accountant's visor and tie and takes a bunch of money from an anchovy.]
Patrick: Tax Day!
[Patrick steps aside to reveal another one behind him.]
Patrick #1: Twin Day!
Patrick #2: Twin Day!
[Patrick is wearing a devil costume.]
Patrick: Halloween!
[A fake ghost drops down.]
Patrick: [screams]
[Patrick is holding a balloon.]
Patrick: Free Balloon Day. [lets go of the balloon] Now it's free. Nothing Day! [pops out of existence]
[Patrick is seen wearing a colander and a cardboard box with a robot body drawn on it, standing next to a computer on a cardboard box.]
Patrick: [speaking and moving robotically] Cy-ber Mon-Day.
[Cut to Patrick holding up Bunny.]
Patrick: Mother's Day. Fitness Day! [tears off his shirt to reveal his body being extremely muscular]
Audience: [screams]
[Cut to Patrick standing next to a prisoner, taking his hood off and putting his fez on him.]
Patrick: Swaptoberfest.
[Two cops come in to arrest him.]
Cop: All right, pal, let's go.
[Cut to Mrs. Puff standing on stage, as Patrick is holding a bucket of paint.]
Patrick: Earth Day! [he throws the blue and green paint on Mrs. Puff, making her puff up and look like the Earth]
[Cut to Patrick standing on the ceiling, then zoom out to show he's upside down.]
Patrick: Opposite Day! [falls, yells]
[Cut to Patrick staring at Harold in the audience.]
Patrick: Make A Friend Day.
Harold: [moves hand away from Patrick, unnerved noise]
Squidina: [flipping through script] Huh, I don't know about some of these...
SpongeBob: [walks in wearing a big fluffy wig] Found a fluffy trim.
Squidina: No, no, no, that's not a Santa suit!
SpongeBob: [gasps] I'm... playing... Santa? [slaps forehead] Well, why didn't you say so? I have the perfect outfit! [runs away]
Squidina: Oh, no.
[Cut to Patrick holding a calendar and pointing to a circled date.]
Patrick: Wednesday.
Mr. Steinman: Those aren't holidays. [writes on clipboard] Docking points.
[Backstage, Slappy is wearing a King Neptune outfit and giggling creepily.]
Patrick: Cue Bikini Bottom Founders' Day! [pushes him away]
SpongeBob: [off-screen] Ho, ho, ho! [he is wearing a Santa costume] Is this what you had in mind?
Squidina: [gasps] SpongeBob, it's perfect! Come on, you're up soon.
SpongeBob: I'm ready! I'm ready! [steps on his beard] I'm r-- Oh...
[SpongeBob's beard falls off and he falls on the floor, then bounces through a ladder and gets split apart. He slips on water and runs into a sandbag, spins around, and crashes face-first on the floor.]
SpongeBob: [weakly] Ready. [falls over and groans]
Squidina: [looks shocked, then] Well, that's it. I don't think this play could possibly get any worse.
[The bus of kids flies in from the other side, crashes into the school, then the auditorium. Slappy is on stage, stabbing a model of Bikini Bottom with a trident. The bus crashes into him and explodes. Bubble Bass, Granny Tentacles, and Plankton fall from the ceiling. Backstage, Squidina is injured and SpongeBob is upside-down.]
Squidina: It got worse.
Krabs: [runs past, screaming with his butt on fire, jumps to stage and grunts]
Cupid kid: [groans] Hey, why are those grown-ups wearing our costumes?
Plankton: [crawls out from under Krabs] Hate to break it to ya, kid, [puts his leprechaun hat on] but they were looking for seasoned talent.
Cupid kid: Did you hear that? Those weird grown-ups stole our parts! Get 'em!
[The kids and adults start fighting in a dust cloud. A tooth bounces off Squidina.]
Squidina: Nope. [throws script pages] It got worse than worse. I guess it's summer school for me. [walks into the dust cloud]
SpongeBob: [touches fingers together] Oh, I feel bad.
Patrick: Me too. And not just from eating all those chocolate eggs. [pulls wrappers out of his diaper, squeezes his head and pushes a lightbulb out] But I have an idea! [lightbulb turns on and dings, whispers to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: That's it! Patrick, your genius is showing.
Patrick: [gasps, covers crotch] Again?
SpongeBob: [laughs] Come on, let's go! [pushes him away]
[Squidina walks through the dust cloud, past Krabs and the Irish kid holding their fists out.]
Krabs: I oughta...
[Granny Tentacles and the princess kid are fighting. The kid lunges at her. The Neptune kid is pulling Slappy's hair.]
Slappy: Aah! Uncle, Uncle!
[Squidina steps down from the stage, where everyone except Bunny, Cecil, and Mr. Steinman are in the audience.]
Squidina: All right, I think we've both seen enough.
Krabs: Whoa! [gets thrown in the audience, growls and jumps back, yells]
Squidina: [frustrated] Let's just get this grading over with.
Mr. Steinman: Well, [adjusts glasses] due to [checking off the paper] excessive violence, destruction, and lack of Christmas content in a Christmas play, I have to give you an F.
Squidina: [sighs] I know. It would've taken a miracle to fix this mess...
[The auditorium starts shaking. Santa's hand lifts the roof off.]
Squidina: [gasps]
[Patrick and SpongeBob are in Santa Claus's hand.]
Patrick: Did someone say miracle?
Santa: [laughing]
Bunny: [gasps] Honey, look! [points and knocks his camera away, it crashes] It's Santa!
Cecil: Ooh!
Mr. Steinman: Jumping gingerbread men! It's Santa! [shakes Squidina] Santa's in your play? [picks her up] A+ for you!
Squidina: [laughing] Yippee!
Mr. Steinman: [running in place] Santa, did you get my letters? Tell me about the North Pole!
Squidina: This is amazing! But, SpongeBob, Patrick, how did you pull it off?
SpongeBob: [Patrick nods] Patrick here reminded me that the big guy owes us a couple of favors.
[They jump down. Patrick and Squidina hug.]
Squidina: Thanks for fixing my play, big brother.
Patrick: Aw... I'm just sorry I messed it up in the first place.
Santa: [holds out list reading Patrick Star, Bubble Bass, Flying Dutchman, Man Ray, Plankton, Kenny P] And that's why you're still on my naughty list, Patrick Star.
Patrick: [sweating, nervous laughing]
Santa: [crumples up list, laughs] Never mind all that, [holds up bag of gifts] it's time for presents!
Audience: [cheering]
Santa: [dumps presents on the audience] Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
[The presents crush the auditorium.]
Mr. Steinman: [weary laughing]
Santa: [flies off towards the Moon] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! [shakes head, laughing uncontrollably]