Squid Wood/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid Wood" from season 4, which aired on July 24, 2007.

[The episode opens with a shot of Conch Street. Cut to Squidward, who wakes up in his bed.]
Squidward: [sighs happily] I love waking up to my own circadian rhythm without the aid of an alarm clock. [notices SpongeBob standing next to his bed]
SpongeBob: [waves, Squidward hides under the covers] Morning, Squidward. I waited for you to stop sleeping like you asked. So, you got any plans for the day, Squidward? [SpongeBob is spit out of the island head and into the air] Okay, Squidward, I'll catch ya later!
[Bubble transition to Squidward planting a flower in his backyard while humming. Right before he puts in a plant, he sees SpongeBob's face in the hole.]
Squidward: [yelps]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. Wanna play?
Squidward: No, and leave me alone! [puts the plant in the hole, covering SpongeBob's face. Then a flower springs from the ground with SpongeBob's face on it.]
SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, see ya later.
[Cut to Squidward approaching a canvas upstairs.]
Squidward: Ah, the blank canvas. Infinite possibilities. [holds a palette] All of the colors of the known and unknown universe [uses paintbrush on the palette] hiding on my palate. The artiste approaches, ready to create. [right before he begins to paint, SpongeBob's face appears on the canvas]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, wanna play? [Squidward paints a giant red 'NO' on the canvas; waving] Okay, Squidward, see ya later.
[Cut to Squidward in his library, holding a book.]
Squidward: [sighs] Perhaps I can find solitude in the printed word. [opens book and SpongeBob jumps out]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, wanna play? [Squidward shuts the book with SpongeBob in it, and puts it back on the shelf. Muffled as Squidward walks out of the room] Okay, Squidward, see ya later.
Squidward: [shuts the door]
[Cut to Squidward in his bathtub, humming and playing with his nose. He notices SpongeBob watching him from his window]
Squidward: Wha? [screams]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! Wanna play hide-and-seek?
Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, you hide first. [closes the curtain, shrugging] Oh, no, where'd he go? I guess he wins. [laughs while lounging] Defeat has never tasted so sweet. [the phone rings, which he answers] Yello? [SpongeBob's mouth pops through the receiver into his ear]
SpongeBob: How about a game of hangman?
Squidward: How about a game of hang up? [slams down phone, sighs] Well, I guess this brings an end to my luxuriating. [as he walks out of the bathtub, he is sprayed in the face with mud. SpongeBob is drilling into his bathroom]
SpongeBob: How about Duck, Duck, Hermit Crab? [skips to Squidward] Hopscotch? Squidward Says? [Squidward begins breathing angrily] Steal The Bacon? Sleeping Sea Lions? Sharks & Minnows? Sink The Submarine? [holds up cards] Kings & Queens? [holds up Mahjong tiles] Mahjong? [Squidward is beginning to fume and he picks up SpongeBob and shakes him angrily] Whoa, I've never played this game before. What's it called?
Squidward: [whispering in SpongeBob's ear] It's called: "I will never play with you... [yells in SpongeBob's ear] ...ever!" [throws SpongeBob into the hole and moves the refrigerator over it, then slumps]
SpongeBob: Hmm, something tells me Squidward doesn't wanna play today. [scratches his head] That's it! If I can't play with the real Squidward... [jumps out of hole] I'll just make one of my own! [runs off, then the fridge falls on top of Squidward, squishing him. He squirms out from under it, flattened, and sees SpongeBob running back to his house]
Squidward: I think that moron finally gets it. I don't want to see or hear him for the... [pneumatic tools whirring and grinding are heard from SpongeBob's house. Squidward walks over to his house and begins knocking on the door] SpongeBob! Will you make that racket stop?! [knocks again] SpongeBob, you open this door right this... [door opens and knocks him down, giving him a large bump on his head; mumbling]
Mini Squid: Hello, Squidward. [Squidward screams and hides behind a bush; Mini Squid is revealed to be a puppet of SpongeBob's] Squidward! It's me, Mini Squidward!
Squidward: [exits the bush like a door] What are you doing, SpongeBob?
Mini Squid: Hello, Squidward.
Squidward: What manner of annoying scheme is this?
SpongeBob: Just say hello to him, Squidward. You know how sensitive he is.
Squidward: Hi. Now, SpongeBob, what the...?
SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, he prefers to be addressed by his full name.
Squidward: [sighs] Hello, Squidward.
Mini Squid: Wondrous weather we're having, eh, Squidward, old pal?
Squidward: SpongeBob, what is the meaning of this?
Mini Squid: SpongeBob made a replacement you: me. So when [pokes Squidward's nose] you you don't want to play, SpongeBob will play with me- [pokes Squidward's nose again] you.
Squidward: So, you'll be filling in for me when SpongeBob wants to play one of his stupid games?
Mini Squid: Yeah.
Squidward: [grabs enthusiastically onto Mini Squid] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! [kisses Mini Squid then runs off laughing hysterically] Woo-hoo-hoo! [pole vaults through his house window]
[SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other. Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mini Squid sitting next to SpongeBob's pineapple playing charades.]
Mini Squid: [SpongeBob shows three fingers] Three words. [moves his hand as if he was rolling the hand crank of a movie camera] Movie title. [SpongeBob nods; gasps] "12 Angry Jellyfish."
SpongeBob: How does he do it? [adds to a score tally in the sand] Right again, Squiddy. You little [pokes Mini Squid's nose] charades master, you.
Patrick: [approaching, to Mini Squid] Squidward, you look a little different. [raises then lets go of Mini Squid's arm] Wow. Have you been working out?
SpongeBob: [gets up] Actually, Patrick, this is...
Patrick: D'oh, hold it, SpongeBob. Ooh, I know. You shaved your beard.
[SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other. Bubble transition to Squidward working at the Krusty Krab serving Krabby Patties to a couple, sounding monotone.]
Squidward: Alright now, who has the Krabby Patty and who has the Krabby Patty? [the customers are silent and look unimpressed] See... 'cause... they're both... krabby. [SpongeBob and Mini Squid walk in]
SpongeBob: [giggling] Good one, Mini Squidward. You are always such a ray of sunshine. [continues walking]' Are you ready for another fabulous day of work at the Krusty Krab?
Mini Squidward: Of course, I am. I love to work.
Sandals: Who is that little fellow with SpongeBob?
Suzy Fish: I don't know, but isn't he handsome?
Sandals: Yeah, he is handsome.
Squidward: [mumbling]
Sandals: [in front of the register] Ahem.
Squidward: Oh. [picks up a pencil and paper] Sorry, sir. Can I take your order?
Sandals: [crosses arms] No. I don't like your attitude, bub. Is this what the Krusty Krab calls friendly service? [Mini Squid pops up from under the cash register]
Mini Squid: Sorry, sir. Can I take your order?
Sandals: Now that's more like it. Finally, a server with a good attitude.
Mini Squidward: [cutting to SpongeBob in the register] Well, thank you very much.
Sandals: I'll take eight dozen of your finest patties, please. But don't let old chowder pants over there touch 'em. He might taint the patties.
Squidward: Fine then. Go ahead. [puts his employee hat onto Mini Squidward] Do my work for me. [puts his hat on Mini Squid's head and walks away, sitting on top of a barrel] I'm starting to like this Mini Squidward. Doing my work, keeping SpongeBob off my back. I could get used to this.
SpongeBob: [in the kitchen with steaming patties] Order up, Mini Squid!
Mini Squidward: [approaching with a plate] Okay, SpongeBob. Always happy to help. [laughs]
SpongeBob: Here you go, pal! [flips six patties on Mini Squid's plate] Go get 'em, tiger! [Mini Squidward moves over to the customers]
Mini Squidward: Okay, now, who had the Krabby Patty, and who had the Krabby Patty? [the couple laughs]
Squidward: [alarmed and irritated] What the...? That's my joke!
Sandals: Wow, honey, this new Mini Squidward is such a card!
Suzy Fish: And a great waiter, dear.
Sandals: Oh, you're right. [annoyed] So much better than that old, lousy, larger-scale Squidward.
Squidward: Huh? [mumbles angrily]
Suzy Fish: Yeah! Bring that little fella over here and let me give him a $300 dollar tip! [shows $300]
Squidward: What?! All right, all right! [shoos Mini Squidward away] That's enough! My break is finished. [walks behind cash register] Oh, boy, back to work!
Mr. Krabs: [is heard opening a door] Hold on a second, there.
Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Squidward, me cephalopod, I'm sorry to tell you this — well, not that sorry — the customers prefer the new smaller Squidward to you. And so do I. 'Cause he's making me some bucks! I'm changing your job to [gives dirty dishes to a sad Squidard] busboy, effective immediately. Now pipe down and watch how it's done.
Mini Squidward: Hey, everybody! I'm Squidward, and I love to dance.
Incidental 27: [standing on a barrel and table] I, for one, love to watch people dance while I eat. Who's with me? Who wants Mini Squidward to dance for our amusement? [everyone cheers]
Mini Squidward: Well, gosh, okay.
[SpongeBob changes Mini Squidward into a purple aerobics outfit. Mini Squidward starts dancing when the music starts. Some customers start doing the same butt-shaking dance Mini Squid and SpongeBob are performing.]
Squidward: What's the big deal? [shoves two customers away] Those are all my moves! [performs the exact same moves but no one is impressed] Ta-dah!
Fred: [gasps] Talk about no talent!
Harold: Maybe Squidward should get [puts fins in between Mini Squidward] size-reduction surgery so he'll dance better! [everyone laughs and walks away]
Squidward: That Mini Squid... [Mini Squidward continues to dance in the air and plays the clarinet to everyone's amazement]
Mini Squidward: Everybody dance! [continues dancing in the air, and everyone follows. The music stops, SpongeBob spins him into a spotlight, and he takes a bow]
Squidward: That was awful! [all cheer for Mini Squidward]
Squidward: He stole my jokes... he stole my job... [shouting as the customers walk away] he stole my standing ovation! [points to Mini Squidward] You little wooden fiend! Stop stealing my life! [repeatedly punches, stomps on, and chomps on Mini Squidward before an agent shows up]
Milo J. Finkerfish: [stopping Squidward] Stop, stop! Don't gnaw on the head of my new client, please! You don't know what you're doing. Are you mad? Have mercy!
Squidward: Wait a minute. I've seen you before. You're that music agent that represents my favorite clarinet player.
Milo: [does a handshake with Squidward] Salutations! I'm Milo J. Finkerfish: talent manager for [gives Squidward a business card] "Curly Bubbles Records."
Squidward: You mean you're here to sign me for a record deal?
Milo: The answer to that question is a big N-O. [points to Mini Squidward] This little fella, on the other hand, is woo-hoo woo-hoo good! We're offering him a [holds up a contract] million dollar contract and a sequin suit.
Squidward: [gasps] A sequin suit?! That's what you're supposed to offer me! Why take a cheap knock off [runs off and holds a clarinet] when you can have the original? [plays "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" from Cinderella on his clarinet and dances, ending with kicking his butt with his tentacles]
Squidward: Now, where do I sign?
Milo: [laughs] Yeah, right, kid. [takes Mini Squidward]
SpongeBob: Well, ol' Mini Squidward, I guess this is it. We've had some good times playing charades and dancing around like two giddy butterflies. [laughs] Remember?
Mini Squidward: Yep, those were the days.
SpongeBob: [sighs] But I guess it's time for you to move on, huh? Onto greener pastures. Arrivederci, mon frere.
Milo: Alright, kid, [walks off as SpongeBob waves goodbye] let's go become a sensation. [to Squidward] And we'll see you at the Clammy Awards. Oh no, I guess I won't. [laughs, coughs and leaves]
Squidward: [cries]
SpongeBob: [waving and approaching Squidward] Bye-bye! What's the matter, actual-size Squidward?
Squidward: My dreams are crushed. But, hey, at least I won't have to see that Mini Squid ever again.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I have something even better! [takes out a mini SpongeBob] Another me! [Mini SpongeBob and SpongeBob laugh back and forth while Squidward's eye twitches]