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Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy VI The Motion Picture 123
"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'"

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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid Plus One" from season 9, which aired on September 7, 2015.

  • [The episode starts with the camera panning in on Squidward's house. Squidward arranges his living room for a dinner while scatting. The oven dings and his toast points are done. Squidward smells the aroma of the freshly-baked toast points. He then goes into his living room and sets the pan of four, neatly organized, pieces of toast points on his coffee table then removes his oven mitts. A few clams grab his apron and carry it away. Then, the doorbell rings.]
  • Squidward: Huh? [growls angrily]
  • [Squidward opens the door and sees no one.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey.
  • [The camera pans down showing SpongeBob standing at the door, smiling.]
  • SpongeBob: Whatcha doing?
  • Squidward: I'm busy.
  • SpongeBob: How busy would you say you are on a scale of eight to nine?
  • Squidward: [angry] Fourteen!
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, I'm no mathematologist, but that seems like a lot.
  • Squidward: [gets in SpongeBob's face] It is!
  • [SpongeBob's face pops back in place.]
  • SpongeBob: Okay, quick survey. Are you "busy busy", or just busy?
  • Squidward: What's "busy busy?"
  • [SpongeBob opens his mouth to speak, but Squidward shuts his mouth with his hand.]
  • Squidward: No, no, no, no, no! Don't tell me! Don't tell me! Don't tell me anything, don't even tell me what you're doing here!
  • SpongeBob: [in a singing tone] I found a jump rope.
  • Squidward: [angry] I said not to tell me! [calmly] You're ruining my perfect afternoon. I'm spending some quality time with someone who is very important to me.
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Who's the lu-
  • [Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face.]
  • Squidward: [sighs, then spreads butter on the toast] Perfectly brown toast points. [pours kelp juice in a glass] Sparkling kelp juice. [raises the glass and looks in his reflection] Here's to me! [the doorbell rings] D'oh! That simpering buffoon!
  • Squidward's reflection in glass: You have a great vocabulary.
  • Squidward: I know.
  • Squidward's reflection: Indubitably.
  • [Squidward puts down the glass and slams the door open. Incidental 154 is there.]
  • Squidward: [yelling] Go away!
  • [Incidental 154 starts crying.]
  • Incidental 154: Okay. [starts walking away]
  • Squidward: Wait. I thought you were some other idiot.
  • Incidental 154: No. I guess I'm just this idiot.
  • [Incidental 154 hands Squidward an envelope, then excitedly waits for him to open it. He doesn't open it for about 10 seconds at first, but then opens it. A pop-up picture of Bikini Bottom opens out of a card that Squidward opens again.]
  • Incidental 154: Why, it's beautiful.
  • [Squidward slams the card closed and reads the front.]
  • Squidward: "You are cordially invited to the fanciest and shmansiest artistic event of the season: The opening of Galleria Diphteria." Oh, I've heard of that! "Bikini Bottom's most exclusive fine arts showcase. This invitation guarantees the admittance of Squidward Tentacles--" [holds up the card and squints his eyes] "--Squidward Tentacles..." [misreads the phrase on the card] "...'Ploos Oh-nay.'"
  • [Incidental 154 appears behinds Squidward.]
  • Incidental 154: Ah, it's a "plus one".
  • Squidward: [screams] What are you still doing here?
  • Incidental 154: It's not "ploos oh-nay." It says "plus one"! [points to the words on the card]
  • Squidward: Plus one! Oh, yeah, of course! Plus one! [starts laughing a little] Sure! [looks at the invitation] What's a plus one?
  • Incidental 154: Well, when you get an invitation to a party, sometimes, they put "plus one" on it to tell you it's okay to bring along a friend.
  • Squidward: Do you have to do it?
  • Incidental 154: Well, no, you could go alone. It's just that everyone will laugh at you 'cause they think you are a friendless loser.
  • Squidward: What? Do you want me to call your supervisor and tell him you're just standing around?
  • [Incidental 154 sadly walks out of Squidward's house. Squidward opens the pop-up picture again.]
  • Squidward's reflection: You need to find a friend to take as your "plus one."
  • SpongeBob: [offscreen] Somebody like me?
  • [Squidward freaks out.]
  • SpongeBob: I like openings.
  • Squidward: No, not like you!
  • [Squidward slams the door on SpongeBob. SpongeBob's face pops back in place again and takes out his jump rope.]
  • SpongeBob: [disappointed] Come on, jump rope. I guess it's just you and me.
  • [SpongeBob puts one end of the jump rope inside his ear then sadly walks away. Squidward quickly removes his relaxing stuff and takes out a phone book.]
  • Squidward: Let's see here. Friends... [coughs and then blows away the dust, then sighs] [while looking through the phone book] Friends, friends...
  • [Squidward keeps flipping the pages until he spots the number, "555-5717." Squidward gets surprised until it is revealed that the number was formed by little bugs.]
  • Squidward: Hm. Yeah, I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing. No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... [reveals more of the card that says...] ...tonight?! [walks around and thinks a bit] Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups?
  • [Squidward sees SpongeBob out the window, laughing and playing with his jump rope.]
  • Squidward: But, of course! It's so simple.
  • [Squidward runs out of the house. SpongeBob falls on his jump rope. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob.]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.
  • [SpongeBob happily blinks his eyes to the camera and grabs Squidward's arm.]
  • SpongeBob: Of course I'll go to the opening with you!
  • Squidward: That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, he said he had a package for the Widow Duncan. I think he went...
  • [Squidward quickly runs off. SpongeBob sadly walks away. Meanwhile, Incidental 154 is delivering a package at the Widow Duncan's door and is having her sign some papers.]
  • Incidental 154: And then you just initial there, and we're all set.
  • Squidward: Hey, there you are!
  • [Squidward runs up to Incidental 154, but Incidental 154 becomes scared as he thinks Squidward is going to hurt him.]
  • Incidental 154: Not in the face!
  • Squidward: What? What are you... Oh! [laughs] You always were a big kidder, huh? [laughs a bit] Mailman [thinks a second] guy?
  • Incidental 154: Actually, I'm not a kidder. I'm much more of an introvert.
  • Squidward: I love introverts! Why, I'm an introvert!
  • [Squidward stands on Incidental 154's head and the crowd cheers.]
  • Incidental 154: You are?
  • [Squidward jumps down.]
  • Squidward: Say, I bet we have a lot in common.
  • Incidental 154: [laughs nervously] Gee, I don't know. I'm just a regular guy. But in not being a mailman, I love going to fancy art galleries.
  • Squidward: That's me!
  • Incidental 154: And eating delicious food.
  • Squidward: Oh, delicious food is my favorite kind of food! Especially when that delicious food is something you can...
  • Both: Spread on a toast point!
  • [They both laugh and hug each other until they calm down.]
  • Squidward: Once you've had pointed toast, you just never want any other kind.
  • Incidental 154: Right? And if there's one thing I hate, it's...
  • Squidward: [simultaneously] SpongeBob!
  • Incidental 154: [simultaneously] Clarinets!
  • Squidward: Yeah, I know it... What?
  • Incidental 154: I mean, what kind of maniac could enjoy the sound of a clarinet? That squeaky, hollow, kind of piercing howl from the very pits of Gehenna. Only a deluded blow-hard with nothing to lose could pick up a [grunts] clarinet and think "Yeah! This is for me! Let me inflict this pain on the world!" [laughs] Am I right, buddy? Heh. Uh.
  • [Squidward is nowhere to be seen.]
  • Incidental 154: Buddy? [slaps his face] Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why are you so darn opinionated, Norton? All you do with your searing and admirable honesty is drive everyone away! When's Norton's time? When's Norton's time to shine?!
  • Widow Duncan: Oh, Norton! I've always taken a shine to you. [winks as her dentures slide out]
  • [Incidental 154 nervously slides the dentures back in Widow Duncan's mouth and runs away. Bubble transition to Squidward walking down a street in Bikini Bottom until he sees a can tied to a string.]
  • Squidward: Oh, you think you know a guy? [kicks can] Oh, who are you kidding? It's not in the cards for you. I bet not even this old tin can would be my friend.
  • SpongeBob: [talks through can] I'll be your friend.
  • Squidward: [grumbles as he picks up the can] Who is this?
  • SpongeBob: It's me, SpongeBob.
  • [Squidward looks at the can and reads the label, "Protein Powder" on it. The label on the can gives him an idea.]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Yes? I'm still here.
  • Squidward: I need to ask you something important.
  • [SpongeBob blinks his eyes in excitement.]
  • SpongeBob: You don't have to ask me three times.
  • [SpongeBob rips his pants and reveals a tuxedo underneath.]
  • Squidward: Will you tell Larry I want to talk to him?
  • [Squidward runs off and drops the can.]
  • SpongeBob: [disappointed again] Oh.
  • [SpongeBob picks up the can and sadly starts to play jump rope.]
  • SpongeBob: Okey-doke.
  • [Bubble transition to several of Larry's friends working out. Squidward is seen standing next to Larry as he is talking to him.]
  • Larry: So, Squidward, what do you wanna talk about?
  • Squidward: Well, it's, uh, kind of hard to put into words.
  • Larry: Oh, I've been there, amigo.
  • Squidward: You have?
  • Larry: Sure. But nothing clears the sawdust out of your brains quicker than a ride on a jet ski.
  • [Larry holds out a jet ski.]
  • Larry: Ever been on one of these little babies?
  • Squidward: Um, no. They always seemed a little sporty for me.
  • Larry: Well, you only live once. And I just happen to have an extra helmet.
  • [Larry holds out a helmet for Squidward.]
  • Squidward: What the heck?
  • [Squidward puts on the helmet and rides with Larry across the water. As they ride, they draw images of Squidward and Larry in the water. Then the fly off a ramp and ride across the beach. The ride through some people standing in line at a ride in the amusement park.]
  • Unnamed fish: Hey!
  • [Larry and Squidward ride on the rails of a roller coaster with the jet ski. Squidward is then playing a game of pool with Larry. Then Squidward and Larry are watching a movie and eating popcorn with the jet ski. Squidward and Larry are now at a wig store playing music with the bongos and the clarinet while the jet ski is holding a saxophone. A man passes by and donates money to them.]
  • Squidward: We make quite a team!
  • Larry: I'll say!
  • Squidward: You know, earlier today, I met a jerk who said he didn't like clarinet music.
  • Larry: Hey, you know, that's very uncool. What kind of thoughtless ding-dong would knock another man's passion?
  • Squidward: You know, you're alright, Lester.
  • Larry: It's Larry.
  • Squidward: Whatever. The point is, do you want to go with me to a gallery opening tonight?
  • Larry: Well, that's not my kind of thing at all, but... for you, sure. I'll just need to stop by the apartment and make myself a protein shake.
  • Squidward: Pfft! What?! You don't need that glop!
  • Larry: Oh, I wouldn't call it "glop." Protein shake saved my life, bro.
  • Squidward: Oh, come on. It's a fad. You don't wanna be one of those mindless rubes who marches around in a constant haze of stupidity. [acting dumb] "I love protein shakes. I'm the most gullible rube on the planet. Duh! Duh! Duh! Give me my stupid protein shake."
  • [Squidward bumps into Larry while he continues to mock. He looks up and sees Larry in extreme anger after the way he made fun of him.]
  • Squidward: [dumbfounded] I mean...
  • [Larry punches Squidward to the ground and walks off. Squidward pops his head out.]
  • Squidward: So, are we still on for tonight? Sevenish?
  • [Squidward looks at his reflection on the window.]
  • Squidward: [sighs] I guess it's just you and me again.
  • [Squidward turns and sees SpongeBob breathing heavily.]
  • Squidward: [scoffs] What are you doing here?
  • SpongeBob: [holds out his jump rope] Just playing draggy rope. You wanna play?
  • Squidward: No.
  • SpongeBob: You hold on to one end of the rope and you drag it behind you like a sea snake is chasing you, like this. Wanna play?
  • Squidward: Just get me out of here!
  • SpongeBob: [silence] Will do.
  • [SpongeBob pulls Squidward out of the hole with the jump rope but ends up making him fall flat on his face.]
  • Squidward: Thanks.
  • SpongeBob: Anything for a friend.
  • [Squidward comes up with an idea.]
  • Squidward: Friend?
  • [Squidward sees his reflection in SpongeBob's eyes and grins.]
  • Squidward: Would you be my plus one?
  • [SpongeBob gasps in excitement. Bubble transition to people attending the Galleria Diphteria. A limousine drives up and Squidward, who is now wearing a tuxedo, steps out.]
  • Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob.
  • [SpongeBob, dressed in a black suit, comes out of the limousine with a mirror that shows Squidward's reflection and closes the door. Squidward and SpongeBob walk across the red rug with the mirror.]
  • Perch Perkins: And here comes Squidward Tentacles and what must be either a bizarre piece of performance art or the saddest display of loneliness it has ever been my displeasure to report. One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said. The thing about sadness!
  • [Squidward and SpongeBob stop in the middle.]
  • Squidward's reflection: You'll always be my plus one!
  • Squidward: Aww!
  • [The episode ends with people taking random pictures of Squidward, SpongeBob and the mirror with Squidward's reflection on it.]
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