Squid Baby/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid Baby" from season 9, which aired on September 3, 2012.

[The episode starts with Squidward listening to the radio.]
Narrator: [shown in Squidward's bathroom] Feel droplets gently cascade over your body.
Squidward: [in the bathtub] Oh, yeah...
Narrator: Visualize yourself in a private grotto. [Squidward visualizes himself in a resort-like tub] Focus your perceptions on the native fauna, and the soothing nature of their rustic calls. [a scallop laughs like Patrick]
Squidward: Huh?
Narrator: You are one with nature.
Squidward: Ahh... [scallops laugh like SpongeBob and Patrick, complete with their teeth being shown. Squidward's fantasy sequence ends as the two continue laughing] What the--?! [SpongeBob and Patrick giggle, causing Squidward to go to the window and opening the blinds] Barnacles!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are playing with baby toys, both playing with rattles]
Patrick: How do you like that, baby? [shakes the rattle]
SpongeBob: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Well, what do ya think about this, baby? [shakes the rattle using his feet. He and Patrick laugh]
Squidward: Question: are you two acting even more infantile than usual this morning?
SpongeBob: Uh-huh. [holds a box full of baby toys] 'Cause I found a box of my old baby toys in the attic, and we're playing with them. [Squidward pulls down the blinds. Shows a walrus to a bored Patrick] Hey! My old teddy walrus! This stuff really takes me back. [hugs his teddy walrus]
Patrick: [sucks on his pacifier] Yeah. it makes me feel baby-ish. [acts like a baby] Oh, Look at me! I'm a baby! [sucks on his thumb]
SpongeBob: [giggles] Babies don't talk like that, Patrick. They talk like, "Goo-goo! Ga-ga!" [he and Patrick start talking baby talk and crawling. SpongeBob plays his xylophone. Patrick plays with his ring toss, but instead throws all the rings out of the toss and chews on the blue ring. SpongeBob plays with his mallet and whistle. Patrick still plays with his ring toss and fitting all the rings on himself. SpongeBob and Patrick are both playing with their said toys. Squidward gets angry and walks out of his house with a robe in his head and bubbles covering his crotch]
Squidward: Just as the essential oils were kicking in. [SpongeBob and Patrick play on a scooter] Hey! I'd appreciate some quiet! [SpongeBob and Patrick scoot away] How dare you scoot away from me, I'm scolding here! [SpongeBob and Patrick play with a Jack-in-the-Box] Would you two for once, act your age?! [the head from Jack-in-the-Box pops out; SpongeBob and Patrick cry as Squidward realizes he will not get any peace and quiet] Fine! Act like infants your whole life! See if I care! I'm returning to my grown up lifestyle. So keep it down! [slips on a toy boatmobile, gets his head stuck in the scooter and crashes into SpongeBob's mailbox, making it press the "reset brain" button.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! [Squidward's head swells up]
Patrick: Hey, he's mumblin' and droolin' like a little baby.
SpongeBob: Well, I don't know, Patrick. He isn't looking so good. He should probably see a doctor. Come on, let's take him to the hospital.
Patrick: Hang in there, buddy. We'll have you fixed up in no time. [SpongeBob and Patrick carry Squidward to the hospital, while the latter's head keeps on banging on the floor constantly. Bubble transition to the hospital as Squidward is now looking like a baby]
Purple Doctorfish: Hmmm? [Squidward babbles]
SpongeBob: So what's the prognosis, doctor?
Purple Doctorfish: Your friend has a condition known by the medical term of Head-go-boom-boom-itis. Not to worry, though, he should recover over normally over time, but he mustn't receive any more blows to the head or he may remain this way permanently. Just care for him as if he were your very own bouncy baby boy and he'll be fine. [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house]
Patrick: Hey, little Squidward. Ready for some fun? Woop-ee-doo! [throws Squidward up to the ceiling]
SpongeBob: [holds baby food] Okay, Squiddy! Din-din is ready. Where is our little miracle? [shows Squidward stuck in the ceiling] Patrick, how could you! [climbs up Patrick and pulls Squidward out of the ceiling] There, there! My little darling. We're supposed to protect his head, remember? [puts Squidward in a high chair, and a wood block in his mouth which he gets out of. SpongeBob gives him the baby food] Okay, Squiddy! I made your favorite. Krill tartare with an algae vinaigrette. [puts food on a spoon and aims it towards the mouth] Here it comes, open wide! [Squidward rejects his food] Come on, little buddy, you got eat healthy so you can grow up big and cranky. Just watch the airplane land in the hangar. [imitates airplane engine and sticks the spoon in Squidward's mouth] See, Patrick, sometimes you gotta out-think the baby. [Squidward spits food at SpongeBob and throws the plate] You know, Patrick, maybe we...
Patrick: [licks food off SpongeBob] Ahh, thanks for sharing, baby.
[Bubble transition to later on]
SpongeBob: Okay. Time to lighten things up. Do you like games, Squiddy?
Patrick: Games is our middle name!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [play Kelpy Cake] Kelpy Cake, Kelpy Cake, kelpy man! Bake us a cake as fast as you can! [Squidward claps]
SpongeBob: You like that, Squiddy?

{{L|Patrick|He does.

SpongeBob: Now you try!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [try to get Squidward to play Kelpy Cake] Kelpy Cake-[Squidward slaps SpongeBob and Patrick and throws them up, hurting them]
SpongeBob: Ohh, this game's kinda dangerous. [Squidward crawls out the front door]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squiddy! [a truck goes towards Squidward and a truck driver falls asleep] Squiddy. No!
Patrick: Don't worry. I got this. [lifts a pavement and the truck flies away. He then sets down the pavement, and a fanfare plays]
SpongeBob: Hooray! [sees the road landed on Squiddy's head and gasps] Squidward! [Patrick lifts up the pavement] Squiddy, are you okay? [grabs Squidward. Patrick sets down the pavement] We need to do a better job of protecting him. [the truck crashes into Squidward's house. Bubble transition to the living room. SpongeBob and Patrick put Squidward in a cage and closes it, and he cries]
SpongeBob: [opens the cage] There, there now, no need to cry. [tries to calm him down by shushing him] Everything's gonna be okay!
Patrick: Don't worry, he'll probably be settled down in couple of minutes. [watches TV while SpongeBob carries Squidward, crying. SpongeBob goes to bed while he holds Squidward crying awaking him and Gary. SpongeBob takes a bath while Patrick holds him, then vice versa. SpongeBob holds him crying in the living room on a rocking chair while Patrick puts on earplugs, then noise-canceling headphones. They eat while Squidward cries, Squidward eats and spits food out on them while crying, both of them are tired while Squidward is crying as it starts raining down.]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] 72 hours later...
[Cut to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs, who's not been happy for the last three days since SpongeBob and Squidward have not been in, waits for his employers to come in the restaurant by looking at his watch]
Mr. Krabs: It's one minute till opening. Where the barnacles are me employerees? I don't pay them to be late. [SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward appear in the front doors of the restaurant all tired after 3 days]
Patrick: Taking care of a baby sure is hard.
SpongeBob: You said it! I'm exhausted! Hey, Patrick. I have to go to work. Would you mind holding Squidw.... [Patrick falls asleep on one of the tables, sighs in disbelief] Looks like we're on our own, little fella.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Squidward! Enough duff-dragging! Get to your stations, pronto!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward is in no condition to perform his Krusty duties. [turns around to show Mr. Krabs that Squidward is a baby. Squidward makes baby noises] The poor guy has the mind of an infant.
Mr. Krabs: [doesn't believe him since he's late for three days] I don't care if he has seaweed-for-brains. He needs to be behind that register! We've got customers out there just begging to hand me their money! [shows customers outside begging to come in with their money]
SpongeBob: But --
Mr. Krabs: No buts! Get to work, you two!
SpongeBob: [slams into the table and Squidward flies into the register boat head first] All settled into your work station, I see. Maybe you're ready for your Krusty duties after all! Now let's make it official! [hands Squidward a Krusty Krab employee hat, which he rejects] Oh, how silly of me! [grabs a highchair and picks up Squidward] Squiddy needs a highchair! [puts the highchair near the register and puts Squidward in it. Squidward bangs his head on the cash register] And duct tape! [duct-tapes Squidward to the chair and puts his Krusty Krab employee hat on] Oh, Squiddy! I'm so proud of you! Just yesterday, you were drooling all over me! And look at you now, working and sitting in a big boy seat! [SpongeBob's eyes get full of tears]
Mr. Krabs: [doesn't care for the antics still] All right! That's enough, you two. Time to serve some customers! [customers race in to order]
SpongeBob: Remember, buddy! I'll be right behind you! [goes to the grill while the customers take their orders]
Billy: Can I get a Krabby Patty and a large kelp shake, please? [Squidward makes baby noises and hits his head with a rattle. Billy looks confused] Okay, how much do I owe you? [Squidward drools, laughs and sucks on Billy's hand]
SpongeBob: [peeks his head out the order window. Billy looks peeved.] Squidward! That's not for eating! [takes a napkin and polishes Billy's hand] There we are. Good as neww-! [Squidward sucks on Billy's head] That's not for eating either! [takes Squidward off of Billy's head] Sorry, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Hop to it, boys. We haven't even taken our first order!
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs. [hands Squidward a pencil and pad of paper] You know what to do. [Squidward grabs the pencil and paper and laughs, throwing the papers into the kitchen] Thanks, Squiddy. I can also count on, huh... [notices that Squidward doodled on the pieces of paper] Will this be for here or to goo? [peeks out the order window, where Squidward is laughing and tossing the papers around] We have to work on your penmanship, Squiddy. [Squidward laughs and doodles on Nat's face]
Nat: [walks away] My face! My face! Also my leg, but mostly my face!
Pilar: Hey! Are you going to take an order or what? [Squidward opens the register, hits his mouth and cries]
SpongeBob: [exits the kitchen and holds Squidward, believing that Pilar yelled at Squidward, giving a him furious look] Squidward! Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby! You oughta be ashamed!
Pilar: Listen, man! I'm done playing these baby games! [notices the stench of Squidward's rotten diaper] Oh, my Neptune! [Squidward continues to cry and notices his stinky diaper]
Customers: What is that? What is it?
Mr. Krabs: What in blazes is going on around he-- Whoa! Mr. Squidward! [Squidward bangs his head] Where are your manners?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, watch his head!
Mr. Krabs: Watch his head? Why don't you watch his diaper?! [SpongeBob notices Squidward's stinky diaper] And get it changed!
SpongeBob: Sir, yes, sir! [goes to a table to change the diaper, where customers are eating] Oh.
Fred: We're eating here!
SpongeBob: Sorry! [tries to change Squidward on the floor]
Customer: Hey, I'm trying to walk here!
SpongeBob: Sorry! [tries to change Squidward near the condiments]
Suzy Fish: [notices the dirty diaper and is disgusted] Hey, I was gonna get ketchup there!
SpongeBob: Sorry! [takes Squidward to the register boat to change him] Okay, Squiddy! Hold still! And, oh, boy!
Mr. Krabs: [Appears behind them] Are you out of your ever-living mind?! We can't change that baby out here in front of the customers! Take him in back where the food is prepared. [All the customers get disgusted and leave after hearing Mr. Krabs, who is obviously fed up and unable to handle anymore of their antics.] Oh, that's it! Get that poopy baby out of me restaurant!
SpongeBob: [sniffs, in tears] Mr. Krabs, if my poopy baby isn't welcome here, then I'm not staying either! [starts to leave but slips on Squidward's baby rattle.] Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [He ends up in the kitchen, where he bangs Squidward's head on some frying pans and the ice machine, causing him to cry. Ice ends up on Squidward's head. SpongeBob gasps in horror] Squidward! [When an ice uncovers from Squidward, it turns out that ice made his head feel better as it shrinks. Now with his headache healed, he turns back to normal]
Squidward: What the? [stands up and is confused, but angry of what happened and turns to SpongeBob] Where am I? What's going on?
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, you're back to your normal grown-up self.
Squidward: Of course I'm grown-up! Why wouldn't I be? [notices he's wearing a diaper] Am I wearing a diaper?
SpongeBob: Yes.
Squidward: Is it full? [looks inside his diaper and screams]
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, I was gonna change it, but I got interrup-- [Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth]
Squidward: [deadpanned and speechless] Stop! Not another word about this. Ever!
SpongeBob: Kids, they grow up so fast. [the episode ends]