- SpongeBob SquarePants
- Patrick Star
- Gary the Snail
- Squidward Tentacles
- Angel Squidward (debut)
- Devil Squidward (debut)
- Shark dad (debut)
- Shark son (debut)
- Debbie Rechid
- Norma Rechid
- Old Man Jenkins (blue)
- Old Man Walker
- Squidina's mother
- Charlie (cameo)
- Jennifer Millie
- Jimmy Gus
- Phil (yellow)
- Sheldon (fish)
- Shelly Fishbowl
- Harry (fish)
- Taylor Fishbowl
- Jellyfish (cameo)
- Abigail Marge
- Dennis (citizen)
- Martha Smith
- Miss Rechid
- Monroe Timmy
- Nat Peterson
- Susie Rechid
- Sandy Cheeks
- Billy (lime fish)
- Don the Whale
- Frank (red shirt)
- Ivy (gray)
- Medley Fishbowl
- Frankie Billy
- Harold Bill Reginald Scott
- Incidental 12
- Frank (muscular goldfish)
- Larry the Lobster (cameo)
- Harold (red fish)
- Nathiel Waters
- Tina Fran
- Frank (lifeguard)
- Mrs. Tentacles
The episode begins with SpongeBob taking out the trash. Meanwhile, a package falls out of a mail truck and onto SpongeBob's lawn. Patrick and SpongeBob wonder what is inside. SpongeBob looks for an address, but he does not see one. Patrick opens the package and they find a bunch of sports equipment in the package, however, SpongeBob and Patrick are not sure what the equipment does, so they decide to test out the stuff.
First, they think that a golf club is used to get books off the top shelf so they knock the books down. Second, they think a bowling ball is a whipped cream holder. Patrick tries to eat the whipped cream on the bowling ball, but he accidentally drops the bowling ball and it lands in his mouth, followed by the bowling ball breaking the floor and Patrick falling through it. Third, they think a baseball glove is a portable snail bed. Patrick wants to try it, so he knocks Gary off of it. Patrick fell asleep on it as well.
While they are trying out the sports equipment, Squidward is making a sophisticated meal. A tennis ball then breaks through his window and starts bouncing around his kitchen. Squidward gets angered by this and then hears SpongeBob and Patrick laughing. He goes outside and sees the two destroying his garden. Squidward becomes infuriated and questions what they are doing with the equipment. SpongeBob and Patrick do not know what equipment means, so Squidward explains it to them. SpongeBob doesn't know what sports are, so Squidward tells him and Patrick the definition of the hobby.
SpongeBob and Patrick want to play sports. The two of them want Squidward to teach them how to play sports. Squidward opposes, until Angel and Devil Squidward show up. Angel Squidward says he should teach them but if they play incorrectly, sports can be dangerous. Devil Squidward says he should teach them incorrectly because it is accordingly payback time. Squidward then changes his mind and "teaches them."
First, they play horseshoes except they have blindfolds and pain gets them points. After playing it 100 more times, SpongeBob and Patrick are severely injured. Second, the two of them have to do a race with ice skates. SpongeBob and Patrick's feet severely injured in the process. After they finish the race, they are really hurt. SpongeBob and Patrick have a big sports tournament, only to continue getting really hurt.
While they are having the big tournament, Sandy is looking for her sports equipment. She finds the package, but it does not have her sports equipment. Sandy hears the big tournament and walks there to ask SpongeBob and Patrick what is going on. SpongeBob says that he and Patrick are in the middle of a sports game. Sandy says this is not any sports game she has ever seen before. SpongeBob says it is kickboxing, while Sandy says that whatever they are playing, it is causing them a lot of pain, but SpongeBob and Patrick will not stop playing because they are in a middle of a tie.
The Rule Giver comes out. Sandy goes to The Rule Giver and then realizes it is Squidward. The latter prefers "King of Sportz." Sandy realizes that Squidward is making a game where SpongeBob and Patrick get hurt and will not let them stop. Squidward says that he is just giving the people what they want. Sandy makes an effort to put a stop to this because SpongeBob and Patrick are getting severely injured.
Squidward resumes the game and Sandy challenges him to a game of basketball, but the former refuses. The people say they want him to play, so he ends up doing so. The first round is basketball. Sandy wins this round and Squidward says it was a foul. Sandy however, calls him out on this, telling him to go tell that to his mother. Squidward then goes to his mother, but she does not want to hear it.
The second round is soccer. Sandy wins again. The third round is football. Sandy win for the third time in a row. Fourth round is pool, which Sandy wins. Sandy is the winner of sports.
Since Squidward got hurt throughout the game, he becomes just as injured as SpongeBob and Patrick did. The pair come to talk about the game she and Squidward had. Sandy ends their game and says that they are both winners. She then gives all three of them a big hug. She hugs them so hard that Squidward's head pops and his eyes fall out of him.
Promotional art for this episode.
|( ‣ ) Associated production music|
|( • ) Original music|
|( ◦ ) SpongeBob music|
‣ Sporting Triumph - Ronald Hanmer [Title card]
• Pineapple Luau - Nicolas Carr, Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [Opening]
‣ Harps and Bells - Nicolas Carr ["Ooh..."]
• Hot Steel and Slide Licks (l) - Jeremy Wakefield [SpongeBob looking through the box.]
‣ Unknown Track 38 - SpongeBob takes sports equipment from the box.
• Skipping to School - Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [SpongeBob and Patrick trying to figure out what the sports equipment is for.]
‣ Hawaiian Solo Steel - Jeremy Wakefield [Patrick gets sleep.]
‣ Bobmatisme - Achille Alberto Scotti [Squidward preparing a meal for himself.]
‣ Tension Bits - Nicolas Carr, Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [Squidward growls.]
‣ Seaweed - Steve Belfer [Squidward's garden gets ruined by SpongeBob and Patrick.]
‣ ? [Angel Squidward appears.]
‣ Down in Davy Jones' Locker - Nicolas Carr [Devil Squidward appears.]
‣ Hot Steel and Slide Licks - Jeremy Wakefield [Angel Squidward crushed by a tennis ball.]
• Hot Steel and Slide Licks (b) - Jeremy Wakefield ["I'd be happy to teach you all about sports, SpongeBob."]
‣ A Casual Conversation - Nicolas Carr, Barry Anthony [SpongeBob and Patrick throw horseshoes around a stick blindfolded.]
• Hot Steel and Slide Licks (n) - Jeremy Wakefield ["Squidward, can the game be over now?"]
• Earl's Revenge - Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [SpongeBob and Patrick skating on the floor.]
• Hot Steel and Slide Licks (f) - Jeremy Wakefield [Close-up of SpongeBob and Patrick's swollen ankles.]
‣ Hey Look at Me - Sam Spence [SpongeBob and Patrick doing dangerous sports at the outdoor sports arena.]
‣ A Fishy Conversation - Barry Anthony [Sandy looking for her sports equipment.]
‣ Cornu Fanfare (a) - Francis Shaw [The rule giver appears.]
‣ Big Bad Giant - Paddy Kingsland [Sandy challenges Squidward to a game of basketball.]
‣ Happy March - Sam Spence [Sandy makes a basket.]
• Hot Steel and Slide Licks (e) - Jeremy Wakefield ["Tell it to your mama, Squidward!"]
‣ Speed Trials (a) - Rod Argent, Robert Howes [Sandy playing soccer.]
• Hot Steel and Slide Licks (t) - Jeremy Wakefield [Squidward pulls his head back up.]
• Greenhorn Rag - Nicolas Carr, Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [Sandy does a football round and launches Squidward to a pool table.]
‣ The Irish Patriot - Sam Spence [Sandy wins.]
• Bikini Bottom Bound - Nicolas Carr, Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [Ending.]
- This episode premiered on July 4, 2017 in Israel, twelve days earlier than in the United States.
- Along with "Spin the Bottle," this episode premiered before the 2017 Kids' Choice Sports Awards.
- The episode's title is mentioned twice. The first time is when SpongeBob and Patrick ask "What's a sportz?" and second time is when SpongeBob tells Squidward that "You must know a lot about sportz."
- Along with "Spin the Bottle," this episode premiered on Will Ferrell's 50th birthday, nine years after the premiere of "MuscleBob BuffPants," "Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost," "The Chaperone," and "Employee of the Month" in Poland, and two years after the premiere of "Lost in Bikini Bottom" and "Tutor Sauce."
- This is the first episode to use the Wilhelm scream.
- The original U.S. airing does not have the over-the-last-scene credits. Instead, it goes straight to the Kids' Choice Sports 2017.
- This episode is sports themed, which is the reason why it aired before the 2017 Kids Choice Sports.
- This is the second episode where a character says "That's low, Squidward, even for you" to Squidward. The first was "Little Yellow Book," in which Mr. Krabs says it to him. In this episode, Sandy says it to him.
- This is the third episode in which SpongeBob and Patrick mess up Squidward's garden. The first is "SpongeBob You're Fired" and the second is "Mermaid Pants."
- This is the third episode a shoulder devil and angel have appeared. The first is "The Donut of Shame" and the second is "Truth or Square."
- When the episode originally aired in the U.S., it was paired with "Spin the Bottle."
- The seahorse who lands on Patrick looks like Mystery from "My Pretty Seahorse."
- This is the third live appearance of Mrs. Tentacles. The first was "Fools in April," and the second was in "Krusty Towers."
- It is shown that SpongeBob and Patrick are poor at sports, except for ice skating, karate and fighting.
- Jellyfishing is the only sport that was not shown.
- When Sandy challenges Squidward to a basketball match, she mentions San Antonio, a city in Texas, for the first time in the history of the series.
- When Sandy and Squidward are about to play basketball, Thaddeus' eye is a deep murky blue color instead of white.
- When Sandy says, "Winner decides the fate of SpongeBob and Patrick," her eyelashes are missing.