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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SpongeBob vs. The Patty Gadget" from season five, which aired on .
  • [A book entitled "The Legend of SpongeBob SquarePants" is on a wooden type platform.]
  • Narrator: Ahoy, mateys! Today I'll be spinning a tale you won't soon forget. [book opens and shows a chapter called "SpongeBob vs. The Patty Gadget"] It's called "SpongeBob SquarePants Vs. The Patty Gadget". Now, SpongeBob was workin', his eye on the grill, 'til he heard a sharp sound that gave him a chill.
  • SpongeBob: What's going on? What could it mean?
  • Narrator: Wow, it's a deep-fry patty cookin' machine. [a round, metal machine comes through the doors] And hiding behind it, who do we see? None other than Squidward and his bad face acne. [zoom in on Squidward's zits on his face]
  • Squidward: Hey!
  • Mr. Krabs: What's is this contraption you've hauled into me place?
  • Squidward: A miracle, a marvel. It'll cook Krabby Patties at a fabulous pace.
  • Mr. Krabs: But how are the patties? I mean, how do they taste?
  • Squidward: I'll let you try one. Shove this in your face. [hands Mr. Krabs a Krabby Patty]
  • Mr. Krabs: [eats it] I have to admit, that patty was yummy, though it sits like a rock when it lands in me tummy. But I've got me a fry cook, and he's always on time.
  • Squidward: Ah, but this gizmo is faster, and you won't pay it a dime.
  • Mr. Krabs: Your machine sounds delightful. But how much does it cost?
  • Squidward: Hmm, just fire SpongeBob and tell him, "Get lost." [SpongeBob is staring from the kitchen window]
  • Narrator: The machine wanted his job to make SpongeBob quit. But SpongeBob didn't like it. No, not one bit. Pushing his grill, SpongeBob burst through the door.
  • SpongeBob: [pushes the grill out of the kitchen] I challenge your gadget. I declare patty war!
  • Narrator: With three little words, Krabs started the show. Flag raised in the air, he cried...
  • Mr. Krabs: Ready, set, go...!
  • Narrator: Quick as a flash, Squidward pulled the big lever, and sat back and watched feeling oh, so quite clever. SpongeBob, with spatula held tight in his fist, flung twenty patties, not a single one missed. [SpongeBob throws twenty patties on the grill]
  • The crowd was impressed.
  • Sandy: Wow!
  • Narrator: They cheered full of glee. All except Patrick, who had to go pee. [everyone cheers except Patrick, who is wiggling a lot]
  • Narrator: A noise and a clatter came from the machine, and out popped the patties in a burst of hot steam. The gadget was fast, its first batch completed, but SpongeBob yelled out...
  • SpongeBob: I won't be defeated!
  • Narrator: He took in some air. SpongeBob swelled his physique. And dozens of patties filled up his cheeks. [SpongeBob breathes in so hard that a bag of patties flies into his mouth] He strained and he sweated. He summoned his will, and shot Krabby Patties right onto the grill.
  • Squidward: Not bad!
  • Narrator: Yelled out Squidward.
  • Squidward: A really good try. But let's see how you do against my machine set on high. [pulls down the machine lever to set it on high]
  • Narrator: The gizmo, it shuddered. It clattered, it shook. And as Squidward laughed:
  • Squidward: Ha, ha.
  • Narrator: Sandy said...
  • Sandy: What a schnook.
  • Narrator: But SpongeBob cried out...
  • SpongeBob: I won't lose to that thing!
  • Narrator: Then he held up two spatulas and leapt like a spring. His hands were a blur, the patties went flying. He fried up a hundred without even trying. Squidward was worried. SpongeBob couldn't be beat.
  • Squidward: I got one last chance, I'll turn up the heat.
  • Narrator: He struggled and strained 'til his face turned dark blue. Then the lever moved forward and broke right in two. The gadget buckled and sparked. It cracked like a gun. So Squidward took off, yelling...
  • Squidward: [runs out of the Krusty Krab] Let me know if I've won!
  • Narrator: Lightning flew from its maw. It looked ready to burst. But SpongeBob, still standing, yelled...
  • SpongeBob: Foul beast, do your worst!
  • Narrator: The patties came flying, by twos and by threes, by dozens, by hundreds, oh, it was something to see. Aye, that machine, it was fast, but SpongeBob was faster. He proved to that thing that he was its master. [patty gadget blows up] The gadget blew into bits and died with a boom. The blast was so loud, it woke King Neptune. [King Neptune is in his bed, asleep, with a teddy bear, until he hears the boom]
  • King Neptune: [mumbles] What was that? [cut back to the Krusty Krab]
  • Narrator: It was all over, finished and done. With his head held up high, SpongeBob knew he had won. The crowd yelled, "Hooray, Squidward's name is now mud!" But as they were cheering, SpongeBob fell with a thud. [SpongeBob falls over. He lets go of his spatula. The crowd gasps. Cut to a grave, where Sandy, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward are standing in front of it. The three leave the scene, while Squidward walks up to the grave.] The service was short, tears shed with regret. Squidward, it seemed, was the one most upset. [Squidward cries, sets flowers over the grave, then walks away. Then, SpongeBob walks up to the grave]
  • SpongeBob: Whoo, yeah! [dances cheerfully]
  • Narrator: What's that? You thought SpongeBob was buried down there? They just buried the gadget. Ha-ha, this I swear. [pan below the dirt where we see the patty gadget underground. The storybook closes] Well, that ends me tale, straight from the book. Now I gotta go and polish me hook!