SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One/transcript

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SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One
General
Season №:	6
Episode №:	111
U.S. viewers (millions):	5.78
Airdate:	April 17, 2009
Chronology
Previous	"Grooming Gary"
Next	"Porous Pockets"

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One" from season 6, which aired on April 17, 2009. [In the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is very sweaty from mopping and Squidward sighs]

Squidward: If it gets any hotter in here, we're gonna have to put fried calamari on the menu.

SpongeBob: It's a good thing that new ceiling fan Mr. Krabs installed is still working.

[The fan slows down and stops completely]

Mr. Krabs: Were you talking to me, Squidward?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? That fff... ff...

[Mr. Krabs notices SpongeBob behind him]

Mr. Krabs: Whoa! Good word, boy. Don't sneak up on me like that!

SpongeBob: The fan...ah...

Mr. Krabs: You're not wearing shoes, lad. You're not going section eight on me are ya?

SpongeBob: I was wearing shoes...it's so hot they melted off. [shows Krabs his melted shoes]

Mr. Krabs: Melted off?

Squidward: The fan stopped working.

Mr. Krabs: Huh?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs? You didn't forget to pay the power bill again did you?

Mr. Krabs: Of course not. Here, [hands him the bill] just fan yourself with this junk mail I keep finding in me mailbox.

[SpongeBob takes it and notices it is the power bill]

Mr. Krabs: That reminds me. Where are all me customers?

Squidward: Probably out enjoying this beautiful day where it was meant to be enjoyed.

Mr. Krabs: Could you be a little more specific?

Squidward: They're at the beach.

Mr. Krabs: Boys, I forget to tell ye, close up sharp. We're going to the beach today.

[SpongeBob tears up his body to reveal a diving suit. Cut to Goo Lagoon where the surfers are so hot and bothered that they are not surfing. The Krusty crew surprises two fish on a surfboard with a grill on it]

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there!

Fish #1: Whoa!

Mr. Krabs: My name is Eugene Krabs, and I would like to know if I could interest either one of you in a fresh delicious Krabby Patty fresh of the grill?

Fish #2: Are they free?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, today they're only three dollars, each.

Fish #2: Sounds great, but I left my wallet up on the sand.

Squidward: I told you.

[Sandy's voice pitches in]

Sandy: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....haaaa!!

[Sandy arrives on a surfboard]

Sandy: I love the beach!

SpongeBob: Oh, that noise was Sandy.

Sandy: Y'all be careful. Looks like some big waves are comin!

Squidward: Who are you?

Mr. Krabs: Either you buy a patty or get off me wave!

Sandy: Kowabunga! [surfs away]

Squidward: What next?

[Patrick emerges from underwater with a nose clip on gasping for breath]

Patrick: Ooh.

SpongeBob: Hello ha, Patrick.

Mr. Krabs: Hey there, young fella. How'd you like to be our first customer in over seventeen working days?

Patrick: I'd love to.

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, show him the menu.

[Squidward holds up a piece of paper with 'menu' written on it]

Patrick: Uh, I can't quite see it from here. I'll just have to climb on board.

SpongeBob: [laughs at Patrick's joke] That's a good one, Patrick. On board! Whoa!

[Patrick flips the surfboard up]

Mr. Krabs: Careful! You're gonna capsize us!

Patrick: Almost up!

[everyone gasps and shouts 'whoa']

Squidward: You idiot!

Patrick: Ooooohh, Whoaaaaa!

[While holding on to the edge of the surfboard, Patrick swims backwards very fast]

SpongeBob: Patrick, look out!

[Sandy is surfing behind Patrick]

Sandy: Locals only!

Patrick: What's she saying? Whoa!

(Sandy's wave hits the crew and they go flying and so does Sandy on her own, Mr Krabs and his cash register and SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward together.]

Mr. Krabs: Aaah!... [grabs cash register] aaah!

SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward: Aaaah! {Patrick and SpongeBob grab Squidward] aaahh!

Sandy: I'm out! [lands on a deserted island]

Mr. Krabs: Yaaah! [lands in the sea. he comes up to the surface with his cash register] Where'd the beach go? These waters are calm. Too calm:

(Black clouds form]

Mr. Krabs: Black sky?

[Waterspouts of blood shoot up from the sea]

Mr. Krabs: Waterspouts of blood?

[Jelly doughnuts fall from the sky. Mr Krabs eats one]

Mr. Krabs: Jelly doughnuts falling from the sky? What could this mean? There's only one logical answer. I've landed right in the middle of Dutchman's triangle! I'm right above Davy Jone's locker! In the devil's gully!

[Another doughnut falls from the sky. Cut to the surf island where the wave washes SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward onto the beach. A group of fish notice them]

Eddy: Guys, look.

{SpongeBob uses some seaweed to create a square in the sand]

Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing with that seaweed?

SpongeBob: Just dragging it around.

Twitch: Hey there, hol dads.

SpongeBob: Huh?

Twitch: Welcome to our remote island.

SpongeBob: Island?

Squidward: Island?

[camera goes to Patrick who is sleeping in the sand]

Twitch: That's right, peenwill save. Island. Although we sometimes refer to it as an island.

SpongeBob: We were just in Goo Lagoon selling krabby patties when this big wave hit us. Now we're on an island?

Twitch: The ocean works in mysterious ways.

Eddy: And waves.

Twitch: Mysterious waves.

(The fish put their hands together, close their eyes and hum]

Twitch: Humm!

Patrick: Humm!

SpongeBob: How did you guys get here?

Twitch: Oh we've been here since we dropped out of junior college. This is Awesome Eddy, Big G, Chip and Silent Stan. And I'm Twitch.

SpongeBob: Why'd they call you Twitch?

[Twitch's neck twitches]

Twitch: What?

SpongeBob: Never mind.

[Cut to the fishes house]

SpongeBob: So what did you say this house was made of again?

Twitch: Guano.

Squidward: Great.

SpongeBob: Well it's been fun hanging out with you guys but Mr. Krabs didn't give us the day off, so we've gotta head back to Goo Lagoon.

Twitch: Oh, you're miles from that tourist trap now, dude.

Eddy: Yeah, the only way back is to surf there.

SpongeBob: Only way back... surfing? Bikini Bottom? Aaaah! I don't know how to surf!

Eddy: Whoa chill out, little dude, we can teach you.

SpongeBob: Cool.

[cut to beach]

Narrator: Aah, learning how to surf. Does some come easy as eating an ice cream cone on a hot day. Others, well and that is like eating an ice cream cone on a cold day.

[SpongeBob and Patrick eat the surfboards]

Narrator: Sometimes in surfing it's the approach that's most important. And sometimes it's the retreat.

[SpongeBob and Patrick throw the surfboards to a big wave. The wave hits them right back at them]

Narrator: Once in a life time, that perfect wave comes along. Not too big. Not too small. And the surfer has to act fast or he's bound to miss the ride of his life.

Twitch: Go!

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, wanna see something cool?

Patrick: You bet.

SpongeBob: Down here. [sinks to the sea bed with Patrick and holds a photo of Squidward] See, it's a picture of Squidward.

Patrick: Wow!

Narrator: But all in all, in life, it's not whether we win or lose, but whether we get totally stoked.

[SpongeBob and Patrick circle around their surfboards]

[cut to the fishes house]

Twitch: Well, dudes. I give up.

Eddy: What?

Twitch: These hol dads are impossible to teach. [twitches] Especially the one on the end over there [points at Squidward]

Big G: Cough, cough.

Eddy: What's that?

Big G: Cough, cough, cough, COUGH.

Eddy: Oh no, there's no way, dude, he'd never do it.

Big G: Cough, cough.

SpongeBob: What's he saying?

Twitch: He reminded us that there is one dude who could possibly teach you, if you can find him.

SpongeBob: Who?

Twitch: His name [twitches] is Jack Kahuna Laguna, or J.K.L for short.

Fishes: Amen.

Twitch: We say that legend says if J.K.L was last seen up river at the Kahamahoku Cove, where every wave is perfect.

Patrick: Will there be nachos there?

[Cut to the river]

SpongeBob: Thanks again for letting us borrow these surfboards, Twitch.

Twitch [twitches] No problem, and just keep following the river straight up, till you hit Kahamahoku Cove. You can't miss it.

SpongeBob: How far upstream did you say it was?

Twitch: Well we don't know, cause we've never, ever been there.

Eddy: We're defintely afraid of this river and wouldn't even set foot on it if you paid us.

Twitch: Yeah, interpret that in anyway you want.

[Cut to Sandy's island where there is a storm. Sandy awakes from her sleep]

Sandy: Oh, where am I? [gets up as the clouds clear away] Where is everybody? [runs to the coast] I'm stranded. SpongeBob, where are you?

[cut to the surfboard island]

Singer: I'll make a beeline for the treeline,

Getting back to nature always does me good.
        I'll make a beeline for the treeline,
        I just can't wait to get back in the world.
        And if I wanna close my eyes and dream,
        Beside a quite mountain or stream,
        That's when I make the beeline for the treeline.

[SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward fall down a waterfall]

Singer: That's when I make the beeline for the treeline.

SpongeBob: Could you pull over here? I gotta tie my shoe.

Squidward: Again?

[SpongeBob walks through the nearby hedge and faces a sign saying 'Kahamahoku Cove'

SpongeBob: Welcome to Kahamahoku Cove! J.K.L! [goes to tell others] Guys, guys. I found the cove.

[cut to Squidward and Patrick through the hedge and walking with SpongeBob]

Squidward: I bet this guy won't even be here! If he's anything like that last group of dirty drop outs.

SpongeBob: Oh don't worry, Squidward. He'll be here,

Squidward: You've never even seen him.

SpongeBob: You have got to stop judging people by the way they look [makes a donkey noise and face]

Squidward: You're right.

Patrick: Look!

SpongeBob: It's him!

[Everyone looks to J.K.L's house. J.K.L comes out with a very long surfboard stretching across the sea]

Squidward: Oh my...jaa. [faints]

SpongeBob: It's J.K.L!

[SpongeBob and Patrick run over to J.K.L's house]

SpongeBob: Hell, oh great swanny of the gnarly pounders. We seek audience with thee.

Patrick: Plus we wanna talk to you.

SpongeBob: Will you teach us how to surf, oh great one, so we may get back home?

[J.K.L doesn't do anything]

Squidward: Look, surfboy! Are you gonna teach us how to surf or are we just gonna stand here and stare at you all day?

Patrick: I kinda like staring at him.

{J.K.L jumps into the sea and surfs for two and a half hours with the dolphins on a big wave]

SpongeBob: I've never seen anything more beautiful. Have you Patrick?

Patrick: Not since I saw my first triple layered cheese cake.

[J.K.L stops surfing and walks up to SpongeBob]

J.K.L: That was your first lesson. [goes back into his house]

Squidward: What, you call that a lesson? We just stood here and watched you surf for two and a half hours!

[Suddenly he sees J.K.L in the sea playing his drums. He turns to look at him.

J.K.L. Ah, just keep breathing [turns around again]

[cut to Mr. Krabs in the Dutchman's triangle with cashie]

Mr. Krabs: Oh locust. Go, larry! [picks up a clam and breaks it in two] Oh. [puts them on Cashie] Look, Cashie. Earrings. Well, Cashie, I guess the devil's gully isn't so bad. As long as that Flying Dutchman doesn't appear and stick us in Davy Jones's Locker. [laughs] But that won't happen, will it, Cashie?

[Cashie replies by sending her drawer out. It hits the Flying Dutchman who is carrying a bag of groceries]

Dutchman: Ow!

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah! It's the Flying Dutchman!

Dutchman: Aaaah! It's some guy I've never seen before! [drops groceries and spills milk] Argh! Who'd be disturbing the Flying Dutchman's walk home from the convenience store? You've even spilt me milk!

Mr. Krabs: Well, there ain't no use crying about it.

[Flying Dutchman angers with rage and thunder and lightning strike the area]

Mr. Krabs: Aah! Don't worry, Cashie. I'll protect ye!

[Cut to surfboard island. SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are sitting around a fire]

SpongeBob: Isn't Jack Kahuna Laguna the most totally awesome surf groob you've ever seen, Squidward?

Squidward: I don't know about you two, but I'd like to get outta here at some point, and if his way of teaching us is...

[J.K.L appears with his drums and sits next to SpongeBob]

Squidward: Oh great.

SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I think we're about to receive another lesson.

[J.K.L plays his drums skillfully in the fire for a long time. Stops and puts his hands up to the sky and then makes one last solo. Then he stops]

J.K.L: Just keep breathing. [Goes back to his house]

Squidward: That's it? I just wanna go home! [cries]

SpongeBob: Will it make you feel better if I went and talked to him?

Squidward: Oh, thank you. Thank you, SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob goes and talks to J.K.L. Then he comes back]

Squidward: Well did you talk to him?

SpongeBob: Yep.

Squidward: And?

SpongeBob: He said we just have to stare into this fire all night and the secrets will be revealed.

Squidward: We're gonna be stuck here forever!

[Cut to Sandy's island where Sandy throws in some wood to make a fire]

Sandy: Well, Sandy, using only your bare hands and the resources found on this deserted island, you have not only survived but thrived. You built a 5 star hotel, a steam powered generator, a car that runs on coconut milk, and even an expresso bar. I almost don't wanna leave, but I miss Bikini Bottom. Now I can find SpongeBob and the gang and fly us right back!

[Sandy goes to her helicopter and starts the engine]

Sandy: Acorn one to tower. Request clearance.

Roger: Roger acorn one, you are clear for take off.

[The helicopter takes off and flies into the Dutchman's triangle where the Flying Dutchman is angry with Mr. Krabs for hitting him on the head and making him drop his groceries.]

Mr. Krabs: Oh please. Mr Dutchman. I didn't mean to spill your groceries.

Dutchman: Well normally I wouldn't mind, but I'm a little low on cash this month so I have no way to pay for more unless you have some money I can borrow.

Mr. Krabs: No, I...

[Dutchman takes Cashie]

Mr. Krabs: Cashie! Please, Cashie is the closest thing to a friend I've ever had!

[Thunder and lightning hit the area]

[Cut to surfboard island where Squidward has woken up from his sleep]

Squidward: Oh.

[Walks to SpongeBob and Patrick near the fire]

Squidward: Please tell me you two didn't stare at that fire all night.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Okay.

Squidward: All right I'm done! [Angriy goes to J.K.L's house] Hey, blondie! Teach me how to surf so I can go home or I'm gonna...

J.K.L: You obviously didn't stare into the fire all night like your friends over there. Those dudes are gonna make awesome surfers. [Thunder and lightning hit the area and J.K.L walks towards his pyramid]

SpongeBob: Where's he going? Come on!

[SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward follow him]

SpongeBob: Aaaah!

Patrick: Look! He's on top of that big drinking fountain!

[They follow on]

SpongeBob: J.K.L, is this the next part of our training?

J.K.L: Ah. These clouds. They can only mean one thing.

Patrick: Increased chance of precipitation?

J.K.L: Yes. Every thousand years or so the planets align in such a way, that a perfect wave is formed.

SpongeBob: A perfect wave?

J.K.L: The world's biggest, fastest, longest, gnarliest, most totally awesome perfect wave. They call it the Big One.

Patrick: Hey, that's what they used to call me.

J.K.L: It's probably the only wave big enough for you to ride all the way to Bikini Bottom. You'll have to catch it, or you'll be stuck here forever. [Thunder and lightning] The Big One is almost upon us.

[Cut to Mr. Krabs and Dutchman in his triangle]

Mr. Krabs: Please, please, Mr Dutchman, let Cashie go. I promise I'll never soil ye waters again.

Dutchman: You promise?

Mr. Krabs: Oh yes. I promise on my dear Aunt Sally's false teeth.

Dutchman: Quiet! [Thunder and lightning] Your Aunt Sally doesn't wear false teeth!

Mr. Krabs: How do you know?

Dutchman: Because I dated her in high school!

Mr. Krabs: [gasp] No!

[Dutchman grabs Cashie and throws her towards Sandy's helicopter]

Sandy: This weather sure is dangerous. I'd better be careful [Cashie hits windscreen] Mayday, Mayday! I'm going down. Repeat down!

Dutchman: And now just to make sure that this never happens again, I'm gonna send you on a journey to the... ow!

[helicopter hits Dutchman's head]

Mr. Krabs: Uh, where is that exactly?

[Dutchman falls into the sea with Mr. Krabs and sinks to the bottom]

Sandy: MAYDAY!

[Krabs comes back up coughing]

Mr. Krabs: Ah all alone again.

[Cashie comes up]

Mr. Krabs: Cashie!

[At the bottom of the sea, the Dutchman wakes up]

Dutchman: A goop sock? But that means...

Davy Jones: Yeah, that's right baby. Welcome to my locker. [laughs] For a daydream believer and a homecoming queen [laughs

[Davy throws socks at Dutchman and he screams]

Singer: Cheer up sleepy jean...

[Cut to surfboard island. SpongeBob and Patrick and Squidward are waiting. J.K.L looks at the big wave]

J.K.L: Get ready, dudes, it's coming.

SpongeBob: J.K.L, thanks for teaching us how to surf.

J.K.L: Little dude, I didn't teach you anything you didn't already know.

Squidward: Here it comes!

SpongeBob: Well, J.K.L, I guess this is goodbye.

J.K.L: Wait, there's something I forget to tell you. In return for it's awesomeness, the Big One always demands a sacrifice so one of you will not return.

Squidward: I volunteer SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward start paddling towards the wave]

SpongeBob: Keep paddling, Patrick!

Patrick: This wind feels like broken glass mixed with razor blades!

SpongeBob: It's the Big One!

[The big wave laughs evily and takes Patrick's surfboard]

Patrick: No!

[The wave eats the surfboard and laughs again]

Patrick: Hey I was gonna eat that!

SpongeBob: Patrick! Grab on!

Squidward: Aaah! [Jumps to SpongeBob's surfboard]

SpongeBob: Hang on Squidward! This is it!

Patrick: Time for those lessons to pay off!

Squidward: Look! That's Mr. Krabs down there!

Mr. Krabs: You like it when I comb your hair, don't you, Cashie?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, hop on or you'll be stuck here forever!

Mr. Krabs: Who said that? [wave goes over him]

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! [cries] I never even gotta chance to tell him that I...

{J.K.L suddenly appears]

J.K.L: Looking for this?

SpongeBob: J.K.L and Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: And Cashie!

[J.K.L puts Mr. Krabs down on the surfboard. Cashie slips out of Krabs's hand and sucks into the big wave]

Mr. Krabs: Cashie!

[J.K.L goes after Cashie]

SpongeBob: J.K.L! No!

J.K.L: Little dude, I was born to do this [winks and is swallowed up. The Big One burps loudly]

Squidward: I guess the Big One prefers a high protein meal.

Patrick: Now what are we gonna do?

[SpongeBob copies J.K.L's idea of playing the drums as the wave rides them back. J.K.L appears in the sky later on]

[Cut to Goo Lagoon in the morning]

Fish #3: You hear a noise?

[Sandy's helicopter crashes into the sand]

Guard: Everybody look! A UFO!

Fish #4: A spaceman!

Harold: Don't make any funny moves, Spaceman! You're not conquering our world without a fight!

[Sandy is surprised]

Sandy: I'm not a spaceman, you dunder head! It's me, Sandy! SpongeBob's friend!

[fish are surprised and walk away]

Sandy: Shucks. Now I'll never find SpongeBob and Patrick.

Fish #5: Who?

Sandy: My friends. They went surfing and never returned.

Fish #5: Is one of them like a little square dude with big teeth?

Sandy: Are you some kind of mind reader?

Fish #5: No! [Points to the gang]

Everybody: Welcome home! [cheers]

[SpongeBob walks up to the 'dirty drop outs'

SpongeBob: Hey, Twitch!

[Twitch twitches]

Twitch: Grab a guitar, dude! Let's party!

Big G: Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.

[They start playing a song but the noise is backed off by J.K.L]

Squidward: Look!

[J.K.L arrives on the beach. Everybody cheers. J.K.L gives Cashie to Mr. Krabs]

J.K.L: Just keep breathing.

Mr. Krabs: Cashie!

[The gang play the song again with J.K.L dancing in it]