SpongeBob's Road to Christmas/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SpongeBob's Road to Christmas" from season 13, which aired on December 10, 2021.

Act 1[]

[The episode opens with a shot of Bikini Bottom, where it is snowing, and the town is decorated for Christmas. Cut to inside SpongeBob's house, where SpongeBob is holding a present for Santa. SpongeBob and Gary are wearing Santa hats.]
SpongeBob: Ta-dah! This gift is for Santa Claus! [kisses present, then places it under a Christmas tree] Even Santa deserves a gift! Right, Gary?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [picks up Gary and spins him, singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells"] ♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Santa's on his way! ♪ [walking upstairs] ♪ I'm giving him a present that he'll take back on his sleigh! ♪ [open shot of his house] Yay! [humming the tune of "Jingle Bells"]
[Pan up to Santa Claus on his sleigh with his reindeer, flying through the sky.]
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! [parks sleigh and approaches SpongeBob's house with a sack] Hmm... [climbs house, trying to fit himself into a pipe, but falls down with it] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [picks up sack] Ho, ho, ho, shrink-o. [sprinkles some dust on him, shrinking him down enough to fit into the pipe]
[Humming the tune to "Jingle Bells," Santa enters the house, dancing as he pulls out SpongeBob's present. His butt kicks SpongeBob's present for him out of the way as he continues dancing, putting it behind SpongeBob's sofa. Santa places his gift underneath the tree, and exits SpongeBob's house.]
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! [slams door]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Seven months later...
[SpongeBob is vacuuming near the sofa, humming.]
SpongeBob: Excuse me, Mr. Sofa. [lifts up sofa] Ha, look at that, Gary.
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: It's the present I left for Santa last Christmas. Isn't that nice? [drops vacuum, panicking] The present I left for Santa last Christmas?! [picks up present] He never got it! Oh, this is the worst disaster that's ever happened!
Gary: [vocalizing "uh-oh"] Meow, meow...
SpongeBob: My present to Santa is 212 days later. [begins sobbing] Late, it's a tragedy. [blows nose with present bow]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: [cradling present] My joyful carefree world is growing dark and dreary! I can't go on! [stops crying] No, I'll go on. [continues crying] But I can't go on! [sobbing]
Patrick: [throws roses at SpongeBob, applauding] Whoo-hoo! [whistles] Whoo-hoo! Five stars.
SpongeBob: [picking up rose, sniffing it] Patrick, I wasn't acting. Santa never got his Christmas present.
Patrick: [shrugs] So why not just deliver it to him?
SpongeBob: Why not just deliver it to him?
Patrick: [chuckles] That's a dumb idea. [claps] I'm in!
SpongeBob: Great! But how will we get there? We can't walk that far. Hmm...
Patrick: [squishes face] Oh, we can push and shove each other!
SpongeBob: Great idea! We can't let it be [picks up present] one more day late. [opens himself and puts the present inside] Okay, me first.
[Patrick shoves SpongeBob ahead, making him roll out of the house. Patrick runs after him, both laughing.]
Patrick: My turn! [SpongeBob shoves him, making him roll on the road]
Bystander: What the--
SpongeBob: [running after Patrick] Merry Christmas! [laughs]
Bystander: Um, it's July?
[Cut to the Chum Bucket, where Plankton opens the doors and comes out.]
Plankton: Ah, it's a good day to be bad. [inhales, then exhales] Huh? [gets crushed by a landing SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [gets up, laughing]
Patrick: Uh, SpongeBob? [points to him] You got a booger.
SpongeBob: [looks at Plankton on his nose] Oh! [eyes dart back and forth]
Patrick: Don't worry, [pulls tissue from armpit] that's what friends are for. [puts tissue up to SpongeBob's nose] Blow.
SpongeBob: [blows into tissue] Thank you.
Patrick: [looking inside tissue] Eww! [turns tissue around] It's the ugliest booger I've ever seen.
Plankton: [escapes tissue] Can't you screwballs walk without falling?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Plankton. [using hand gestures to demonstrate] We're pushing and shoving ourselves all the way to the North Pole. I have to give Santa his Christmas present. [rolls himself up to reveal present]
Plankton: Santa? I hate that guy. He's had me on a naughty list ever since I got this tattoo. [rolls up arm, revealing tattoo that says "Born to be Naughty"]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Born to be naughty?
Plankton: Whoo! Wait a minute. [pacing] If I can break into Santa's lair, hack his mainframe, change my status from naughty to nice, I could ask [antennae twist] for the Krabby Patty secret formula and he'd have to give it to me. I'm coming with you.
Patrick: [raised hands] Pushed or shoved?
Plankton: Shrimp that! [holds remote, pushing a button] We are going in style, babies.
[The Chum Bucket's garage door opens, revealing a snow plow-like vehicle with a fish tank.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa!
Plankton: I built it to fly and run over bodies during the zombie apocalypse, but it'll work on snow too.
[Bubble transition to Plankton in the vehicle, setting up the GPS.]
Plankton: We'll take the Pacific to the Arctic, then over ice and snow to the North Pole. Easy-peasy, Santa-squeezy. [chuckles, then sees SpongeBob and Patrick laughing in their seats]
Plankton: [unamused] Seat belts. [puts on seat belt]
SpongeBob: Of course, [puts on seat belt] safety first. All secured, Captain Plankton.
Patrick: [stretches pants onto his body] All secured.
Plankton: [groans] I'm already regretting this trip.
[Plankton hits a button on the control panel that says "BLAST OFF!", and the vehicle takes off, leaving flames behind. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Plankton are smashed against their seats due to the speed.]
SpongeBob: Whee! [laughs]
Patrick: Ya-hoo!
Mr. Krabs: [humming as he walks to the Krusty Krab, then screams as he notices the vehicle]
[Mr. Krabs runs away from the vehicle as it drives past the Krusty Krab. He then peeks from behind the Krusty Krab. Plankton tries to reach for the steering bars, but fails. The vehicle jumps over some hills, then Plankton successfully grabs the steering bars and pulls them back, making the vehicle fly into the air.]
Plankton: We did it! [looks away] Hmm?
SpongeBob: [looking down at the kids at a playground waving at them] Oh, look at those tiny little fish.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [waving] Hi!
Plankton: Hey, [points] get back to your seats!
Patrick: [points upwards] The seat belt sign is off.
Plankton: [looks above to see the seat belt sign turn off, and groans]
Farmer: [looking up at the flying vehicle, gasps, runs away] The visitors, they're here!
SpongeBob: [looking outside with Patrick] He seemed happy to see us. Oh! [sees a fish sitting in a floating lawn chair held by balloons, as he sips his tea] Ah!
Patrick: Whoa, a flying lawn chair.
Plankton: [rolls eye]
[The scene turns to nighttime. Plankton stretches himself and cracks his neck. SpongeBob breathes on his present and wipes it with a cloth. Plankton jumps up to snatch the gift.]
SpongeBob: Hey!
Plankton: Give me that. [shakes present] What's in this box anyway?
SpongeBob: It's a surprise. [takes back present, twists his eye like a combination lock, and puts the present back inside himself]
Plankton: I hope it's a stink bomb for that pot-bellied jingle joker.
SpongeBob: Santa is not pot-bellied. He just suffers from seasonal bloating.
Plankton: [waves and walks off] Right. [walks to a bed] I'm going to sleep.
SpongeBob: [gesturing to vehicle] But who will fly this thing?
Plankton: [in bed] I put it on automatic pilot. You and that pink moron can sleep on the floor.
[Patrick is snoring on a newspaper bed. SpongeBob takes out his present and uses it as a pillow, and takes one of Patrick's newspapers to use as a blanket. Plankton claps twice to make the light go out. Cut to a first-person view of Plankton, who wakes up to see SpongeBob and Patrick in the front seats.]
Plankton: Hey, what are you imbeciles doing?
SpongeBob: We found the North Pole.
Patrick: It was way closer than you said.
Plankton: North Pole? Impossible. [looks outside] How long was I asleep?
Patrick: [as vehicle approaches the ground] Funny how the ground keeps getting closer.
[The vehicle bumps into a sign that says "Christmas Land Theme Park," and a branch falls off.]
Speaker: [on sign] Welcome to Christmas Land Theme Park. Where every day is Christmas.
Plankton: [jumping onto control panel, pointing to Patrick] Hey, get out of my seat. [both look up to see the seat belt icon come back on]
Patrick: The seat belt sign is on. [grabs Plankton and straps a seat belt to him in a seat, choking him] Cabin crew, prepare for landing! [starts pressing random buttons]
Plankton: [afraid] Do you actually know how to land?
Patrick: I know how to crash land.
[Patrick tugs on the steering bars, making the vehicle do flips in the air as it begins nosediving.]
Plankton: [grabbing onto seat belt] My seat belt! [gets stuck inside seat]
[The vehicle stops nosediving and starts to land, and lightly taps on a pole, causing a giant explosion. SpongeBob and Patrick uncover their eyes and look up to see a "North Pole" sign.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: The North Pole!
SpongeBob: [off-screen] We made it!
Plankton: [on windshield, groans, sliding off] Huh? [points to busted navigation system] Look what you two broken brain buffoons did! You completely destroyed the navigation system.
Patrick: You're welcome.
SpongeBob: Don't be mad, [puts fingers in Plankton's mouth to make him smile] Plankton. We're here.
[Plankton's mouth flops downwards. Bubble transition to the trio outside in water helmets.]
SpongeBob: Look at all this. [he and Patrick laugh as they run across the snow, looking at their surroundings]
Plankton: [concerned] Hmm.
SpongeBob: [giggles, looks at garden gnomes] Ooh, Santa's elves!
Patrick: [both gasp, looks at taxidermy deer] Santa's reindeer!
SpongeBob and Patrick: This is amazing!
Plankton: Something's wrong here. It isn't even cold. And look at this smog.
Patrick: [looks at the sky] It's snow and smog?
SpongeBob: It's "snog." [both laugh, bang their heads together, and wander off]
Plankton: [sighs and groans]
[With Patrick nearby, SpongeBob hops onto an empty box to look inside a building window.]
SpongeBob: Santa's workshop! [Patrick hops onto the box]
[Inside the building, there are toy elves "making" toys on a conveyor belt.]
Toy elves: ♪ Making toys, work, work, work! Making toys, work, work, work! ♪
SpongeBob: [bangs on window] Hello, Santa's elves, I'm SpongeBob! Merry Christmas!
Toy elves: [distorted voices] Make, work-- [one of their heads falls off, and another breaks it with a hammer] make, work--
Plankton: [unamused, SpongeBob frowns] Looks like Santa's gone all in for automation.
SpongeBob: Hey guys, look! [approaching sign on post] It says, [gasps] "meet Santa Claus!" [brief shot of the Santa Claus house up ahead, starts taking off] Come on, guys! [giggles]
Patrick: [running after SpongeBob] Let's meet Santa!
Plankton: [walking and grunting]
[Plankton climbs up a step and arrives to the front of the building. SpongeBob and Patrick are already there, with SpongeBob holding his present.]
SpongeBob: We're finally here, little present. [all start walking]
Plankton: Guys, I hate to say this, but this place is a sham. I don't know why, but we're being tricked.
SpongeBob: Oh, Plankton, Christmas is about believing.
Patrick: Yeah, Christmas is about bleeding, man.
[SpongeBob and Patrick look down a messy corridor to see a snoring Santa.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [gasp, look at each other, then run to Santa giggling]
Plankton: I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eye. The bearded weirdo in the flesh.
[SpongeBob and Patrick jump onto Santa's legs. They both start giggling at him, then look at each other.]
Santa: [waking up] What would you like for Christmas?
SpongeBob and Patrick: [both speaking at once]
SpongeBob: [overlapping Patrick's gibberish] Oh, besides peace on earth, I'd like a new luxury three-story shelf for Gary, a lifetime supply of ice cream for Patrick, and...
Santa: Pipe down, children. [first person view of him focusing his eyes on Patrick and SpongeBob] What the-- [gasps] SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob: [waving] Hi, Santa.
Santa: Did you know that I'm your biggest fan?
SpongeBob: Oh, that's very sweet of you Santa, but actually Patchy the Pirate is my biggest fan.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho!
[Santa takes his head off to reveal he is actually Patchy the Pirate.]
Patchy: Ahoy, SpongeBob and Patrick! It's me, Patchy the Pirate.
[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp before their heads disintegrate into confetti.]

Act 2[]

SpongeBob: Patchy the Pirate? You're Santa?
Patchy: No, I just play Santa here in Christmas Land Theme Park. [chuckles] It's me side-hustle.
Plankton: Heh. I knew this wasn't the North Pole.
Patchy: North Pole? No, man, this be Encino. You're almost 4,000 miles from the North Pole.
Plankton: [growls, hops onto chair] I'm gonna destroy you two! [crosses arms]
SpongeBob: 4,000 miles? Oh, if only our GPS wasn't busted.
Patchy: Ooh, I can help with [pulls out map] global positioning. Way before GPS, pirates used these things called maps. [rolls up map and gives it to SpongeBob] Oh, and you'll need a compass too.
Potty: [squawks, carrying compass] Happy holidays. [drops compass onto Plankton, crushing him, laughs with Patchy]
Plankton: [raising fist] Polly want a smacker?
SpongeBob: Well, thanks, Patchy. Guess we'll be on our way. [he, Patrick, and Plankton leave]
Patchy: Goodbye! Good luck. If you see Santy Claus, tell him I want a new parrot.
Potty: [squawks, pecking Patchy on the head]
Patchy: Hey!
Potty: And I want a new pirate.
[A map of the United States is shown, with Encino labelled on it. A dotted line extends from Encino and into an oil silo. A drop of red ink falls from the silo and continues along the map, and into an alligator near Florida.]
Plankton: [echoed voice] Wait, where are we?
[All three scream as the red ink dot is spat out by the alligator onto a different part of the map. It goes into a trapdoor and out another one, gets carried by a tornado, goes next to a lumberjack moose, which kicks the dot to the North Pole, where it cuts to the vehicle finally arriving. Plankton is in an ice block, shivering.]
Plankton: [shivering] S-S-Santa's workshop, dead ahead.
SpongeBob: [now icy and blue, shivering] J-j-just in time. I'm f-f-freezing.
Patrick: [now blue, tired] Are we there yet? [eyes crumble from his face]
[The vehicle finally arrives at a building in the North Pole. SpongeBob and Patrick get out, and Patrick is licking Plankton stuck in an ice block.]
SpongeBob: How you doing with that Plankton pop?
Patrick: I can't wait to get to the chewy middle. [close-up of Plankton in the ice block]
Plankton: [groaning]
[They stand on the welcome mat, and SpongeBob gets excited.]
SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, where's Plankton?
Patrick: [shrugs] I don't know.
Plankton: [opens Patrick's mouth and escapes, putting his helmet back on] [points at Patrick] Eat a breath mint, trench mouth.
SpongeBob: All right, here it goes. [knocks on door]
Female elf: [opens door] Huh? [looks down] Aw, you guys look great! I like your spaceman helmets. But it's not Halloween for another three months.
SpongeBob: [shakes head] We're not here for Halloween, we're here for Santa. [Patrick nods]
Plankton: I've got my own agenda so this is where we part company. [puts on elf hat and begins walking]
Female elf: Oh, sorry, Santa's not home. He's in Aruba with the Missus. But... [gives SpongeBob and Patrick candy canes] here you go anyway.
Patrick: [eats candy cane, which makes him dazed]
SpongeBob: [bites candy cane] But--but--
Female elf: Happy Halloween! [slams door]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [notice something] Huh?
[In the window, figures are seen partying inside the building. Patrick climbs up on the window, and they both peek inside to see the elves partying.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa!
SpongeBob: [gasps]
[Inside, Plankton tries to dodge the dancing elves. He gets kicked into the air and gets back up with a black eye.]
SpongeBob: Hey, that's Plankton. He's inside.
Patrick: Hmm?
SpongeBob: [knocks on window glass]
Plankton: Eh? [sticks tongue out] Bleh. [walks off] Jeez.
SpongeBob: I have to get Santa's present under his tree. We've got to get inside.
Patrick: [eyes turn into lightbulbs] Ah! I'm on it! [runs off]
SpongeBob: Hmm, I know! We'll go in Santa style. [gestures downward] Down the chimney.
Patrick: [driving a wrecking crane] Oh, fine, we'll go with your idea.
[Cut back to Plankton, who is walking by some stables.]
Plankton: Hmm, now where in Kris Kringle is Santa's mainframe?
[He sees some muscular reindeer working out inside a room.]
Plankton: [continues walking] No mainframe, just lame brains. [stops before Santa's workshop as he hears a reindeer talk to him]
Bludolph: Yo, where do you think you're going?
Plankton: [high-pitched] Who, me? I'm just a little elf!
Bludolph: [sniffs] You don't smell like no elf.
Plankton: Oh, yeah? What's it to you, [kicks snow into reindeer's face] you moose?
Bludolph: [snorts] Hey! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!
Plankton: [whimpers as the reindeer surround him] Well, looks like we got a whole Christmas special here. [gets picked up by Bludolph] Whoa!
Bludolph: Ready for some reindeer games?
Plankton: Eh, peace on earth? [the reindeer begin to kick him around] Whoa! Oof, oof, ow! That better be mud on your hooves. Whoa!
[Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick arrive inside the workshop's chimney.]
SpongeBob: [gasps as he notices a Christmas tree up ahead] That's it! Santa's Christmas tree. [both giggle as they laugh and run to the tree, until a spotlight shines on them as an alarm goes off]
Female elf: [opens door, with other elves, angry] There they are! It's the trick-or-treaters!
Male elf: Toy thieves!
Other male elf: Christmas crooks! Get 'em! [all run inside]
Patrick: [scared] SpongeBob, what do we do?
SpongeBob: [panicking] Climb! [both start climbing up the tree]
Female elf: [all under tree] They're going up the tree! Don't let 'em get away!
[Bludolph notices the alarm outside Santa's Workshop.]
Bludolph: We better check that alarm! [gestures inside as the other reindeer enter, all trampling Plankton]
Plankton: [gets up, taking off elf outfit, walking weakly inside] I wore you down, didn't I? Yeah. You meat head cari-boobs.
[The reindeer arrive at the scene, where the elves are throwing things at SpongeBob and Patrick.
Male elf: Toy thieves!
[A toy duck hits Patrick, who is hanging onto a garland on the tree. Another toy flies past Bludolph's head.]
Bludolph: Yo, elves! What the Father Christmas is going on here?
Female elf: We got this under control. Go back to your stables. [throws Rubik's cube at the tree, breaking an ornament]
[The elves continue throwing things, and some even climb the tree.]
Reindeer: [gets hit with a toy truck, rubs head] Oh! Not cool, elf bros. [picks up another toy truck and throws it at an elf, which hits him and falls onto his head]
Other female elf: [growls, then swings from a garland and shouts]
Reindeer: [ducks, dodging the elf] Whoa!
[The female elf crashes into a wall, leaving behind a giant crack. She falls down and Lego pieces fall onto the ground.]
Reindeer: [laughs]
Male elf: Hey! [points to reindeer with wooden stake] Not funny. [throws stake, which the reindeer dodges]
[The reindeer leaps onto the ceiling fan, and begins spinning] Whoa, whoa! [crushes several elves as he lands, and a toy train comes by to crush his snout]
SpongeBob: [looking down] Oh, no, Patrick. It looks like I have sowed the seeds of discontent in the house of Santa. [sees Patrick] Patrick? Huh?
Patrick: [dazed, reaching for candy cane on the tree] Candy cane...oh!
SpongeBob: [gasps as he notices an elf climbing the tree] Oh... [throws ornament at elf, which breaks on his face]
Male elf: [unfazed, cackles, continues climbing]
Plankton: [walking by the chaos, and almost gets stepped on by a reindeer, groans] [gasps, seeing Santa's mainframe] Santa's mainframe. I found it! [runs towards it, and begins typing his name on the computer] Thanks to those two idiots causing a distraction, I did it. [wipes hands, walking away] My name is on the nice list. [jumps back down and begins walking away] Now I just gotta be good for the next few months. How hard could that be. He-he-he-- [gets stepped on by Santa] wah!
Santa: [in a summer outfit] Oh! What the [raises sunglasses] ho, ho, ho is going on here? [the elves and reindeer look at him] I was kicking back with the Missus in the Caribbean when my silent alarm went off.
[The female elf points to the tree, where the male elf from earlier chuckles as he is right next to SpongeBob on a branch.]
Male elf: [noticing Santa] Huh? [smiles at Santa]
SpongeBob: [waving] Hi, Santa.
Santa: SpongeBob? Ho, ho, I should've known! [points to SpongeBob] You're a menace.
SpongeBob: [laughs, jumps down onto Santa's hand and pulls out the present] All I wanted to do was leave you this present that you didn't get last Christmas. 213 days late. Sorry!
Santa: A present is never too late. Oh, how sweet. Not even the elves or reindeer get me presents.
[The elves and reindeer look at each other awkwardly.]
Santa: Thank you, SpongeBob. [takes present] Should I open it now?
SpongeBob: [jumps onto Santa's shoulder, nodding] Uh-huh, uh-huh!
[Santa pops open the present, and grabs the secret formula. The reindeer and elves gasp.]
SpongeBob: [off-screen] It's one of a kind.
Plankton: [with bottle of glue to fix his helmet, then gasps] The Krabby Patty secret formula? He's giving it to Santa Claus! Forget the list, the formula's right here. I could have it now! [laughing as he climbs up Santa]
Santa: [looks down] Huh?
Plankton: [jumps and grabs the formula, landing on the nearby table]
Santa: Huh? Plankton? [points to him] You're being naughty.
Plankton: Santa, [flexes bicep with "Born to be Naughty" tattoo] I was born to be naughty.
Santa and SpongeBob: [gasp, then grunt]
Plankton: [pulls out paper and laughs, muttering as he reads it, then rolls it back up] Um, yeah... [holds out paper] you can have this back. My bad, heh. I mean, good--my good. I'm being nice, not naughty.
Santa: Well, read it out loud.
Plankton: Uh, that's okay.
Santa: Go on, read it.
Reindeer and elves: Read it!
Plankton: [reading] "Dear Santa, there isn't a present big enough to express how much joy you've brought to all the children and sea creatures of the world. So this is just a simple thank you note. Thank you. Signed, with love, your pal SpongeBob."
[The reindeer and elves coo, and Bludolph has an elf in a headlock.]
Plankton: You got a typo here.
Santa: [tearing up] Oh, how touching. [wipes tear] This is beautiful. Thank you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I wouldn't have made it here without the help of [gestures to Plankton] Plankton. He's really not that naughty. And of course, my best friend Patrick. Patrick?
Patrick: [dazed, holding some candy canes with his water helmet off] Happy holidays to me!
French Narrator: [reading time card] The next Christmas.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab decorated for the holidays in the snowy winter. The customers are giving each other presents as Mr. Krabs walks out of the office with Santa hats on his eye stalks, holding a present.]
Woman: Aww, here you go!
Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Happy holidays, everybody. [gives present to Plankton] Sheldon.
Plankton: [opens present and pulls out a lump of coal] Lump of coal. [tosses coal lump into a giant pile of it]
SpongeBob: [placing another present next to Plankton] Merry Christmas, Plankton.
Plankton: Another lump of coal, no doubt. [opens present and pulls out a letter] What's this? [reading note with a picture of Patchy holding him, Patrick, and SpongeBob] "Merry Christmas to Plankton! One day you will destroy us all." Yes, I will, SpongeBob. Yes, I will. [cackles, then grabs a shovel to scoop up the coal to put into a giant robot] Destroy!
Robot: [roars, releasing fire]
[Cut to an open shot of the Krusty Krab.]
Plankton: [off-screen as the windows flash red] Ho, ho, ho! [cackles, everyone else screams as the camera pans upwards]