Shopping List/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Shopping List" from season 11, which aired on September 24, 2018.

[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs takes the paper containing the secret formula out of the bottle and looks at it. He jots down stuff on another piece of paper and puts the formula back in the bottle.]
Mr. Krabs: [gives SpongeBob the paper] Alright, take this, boy-o. And study it very carefully.
SpongeBob: [looks at the paper] Right! Oh-ho! Ha. Mr. Krabs. [shows a sketch of money wearing a bikini and a whistle sound effect]
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Not that side! [turns paper around]
SpongeBob: [studies the paper] Oh. Huh. A shopping list?
Mr. Krabs: We're running low on secret ingredients. I need you to go shopping.
[As Mr. Krabs chats to SpongeBob, the Chum Bucket is hearing the discussion outside through a giant stethoscope while Plankton is listening through headphones tied to a monitor.]
Mr. Krabs: But be careful not to lose the list. If you-know-who gets his hands on it, he'll know what goes into the Krabby Patty. You know where that leads. Total apocalypse!
[Plankton's monitor shows an atomic outbreak on the screen.]
Plankton: More like "funpocalypse"! [cackles] I'll just follow that yellow nitwit and the secret ingredients will be mine!
[Suddenly, the monitor begins to hear SpongeBob's laughter. The screen shows the image of SpongeBob's face laughing and Plankton screams as it electrocutes him through the headphones. The monitor short-circuits and explodes. The scene changes to SpongeBob strolling down the street with the shopping list in his hand.]
SpongeBob: ♪Shopping spree! That's for me! A list of goodies from the sea! Shopping spree! That's for me! A list of goodies from the sea! Shopping spree! That's for me! A list of goodies from the sea!♪
[As SpongeBob sings and dances down the street, Plankton, who was hiding in a pedestrian's face, follows. SpongeBob dances over Fred and his boat. Plankton hides in the boat's wheel, peeks out and follows. Plankton is on the rooftop of a nearby building. He shoots a grappling hook down and ties it to a pipe. He swings down and goes to grab for the list, but he misses when SpongeBob goes in a different direction. Plankton crashes into a stop sign and falls flat on the ground. He goes to get up, but gets stepped on by SpongeBob's shoe. He yells in agony as he continuously gets squashed by SpongeBob. The scene changes to SpongeBob glancing at the list as he walks.]
SpongeBob: Wow. The stuff on this shopping list is pretty exotic. I'm not gonna find any of this at Barg'N-Mart.
[SpongeBob bumps into an acorn-shaped submarine Sandy is functioning on and spins over to Sandy.]
Sandy: [removes her wielding mask] Whatcha got there, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [still spinning] Hold on. [stops spinning and shows Sandy the shopping list as he whispers] Something super secret.
[Plankton, who is disguised as the anchor design on SpongeBob's Krusty Krab hat, bends over and listens.]
Sandy: [looks at the paper] Yeah. I guess you'd want to keep this secret. [shows the drawing of money wearing a bikini from before]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Not that side. [turns paper around to show the shopping list]
Sandy: Holy moly! You're gonna have to go to tarnation and back to get all these things.
SpongeBob: Well, what do I do?
Sandy: Ah, no worries. I just souped up old Matilda here.
[SpongeBob rubs Sandy's submarine and it revs up.]
Sandy: I think she likes ya.
[SpongeBob blushes and giggles with shyness. The scene changes inside the submarine. Sandy is setting up the coordinates for the areas of the things on the list. Plankton hops off of SpongeBob's hat and hides in the tool box. SpongeBob starts to sweat and gasp since the submarine has no water in it. SpongeBob's body then dries up.]
SpongeBob: [wheezes] Sandy, does it seem a little dry in here? [his finger snaps]
Sandy: Huh? Oh, possum pits! How could I forget? [puts on her helmet]
[Sandy opens the hatch and lets water into the submarine. SpongeBob's body absorbs and SpongeBob starts breathing again.]
SpongeBob: [gasps and sighs] Thanks.
Sandy: Buckle up!
[Sandy and SpongeBob fasten their seatbelts. Sandy starts the submarine and it swims off away from the treedome. The submarine swam so fast that it knocked over some rocks. SpongeBob and Sandy's faces flatten as the submarine speeds up. The tool box slides back with Plankton inside.]
Plankton: [hits his head against the interior of the tool box] Ow! What? [screams as incoming tools fly straight at him]
[Plankton dodges the incoming tools until they stopped.]
Plankton: Whew! [screams as an incoming hammer squishes him, leaving him crushed]
[The scene changes to Sandy flying her submarine over snowy mountains. There, a snowman as well as tombstones of Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry are shown.]
SpongeBob: The first item on Mr. Krabs' list is...hair from a yeti crab?
Sandy: Well, that hairy hermit dwells right here on this mountain top.
[Sandy parks her submarine near the opening of the yeti crab's cave. SpongeBob and Sandy exit the submarine and enter the cave. They find the yeti crab sound asleep on a rock.]
Sandy: [gasps] Look, there he is!
[SpongeBob and Sandy tip-toe quietly towards the yeti crab. Sandy sneaks over, takes out a pair of scissors, pulls the blanket back, and clips some of the hair off the yeti crab's butt.]
Sandy: [gives the hair to SpongeBob and whispers] He lives alone. He'll never know it's gone.
[Plankton, who is clinging on a stalactite, watches from above as SpongeBob and Sandy leave the cave.]
Plankton: Krabs puts yeti hair in the Krabby Patties? Ew! [to the viewers] Why didn't I think of that?
[The yeti crab shivers and pulls the cover back before going back to sleep. Plankton lowers himself down and prepares to mow the hair off the yeti crab's head with his lawn mower. This, however, wakes up the yeti crab and he roars at Plankton. He shakes Plankton off and sees his head bald. Plankton gets up and sees the yeti crab's shadow looming over him.]
Plankton: Uh-oh! [gets bashed and flattened by the yeti crab's rolling pin] Ow! Uh, ah, ooh, ah, oh, hey!
[Plankton is completely flat like a piece of paper. The yeti crab then folds Plankton into a little paper hat to cover his bald spot.]
Plankton: [to the viewers] Could've been worse. Could've been a ten gallon hat.
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Sandy flying over seaweed and jellyfish float by.]
SpongeBob: The next item is milk from a giant fangtooth fish.
Sandy: [drives the submarine down the abyss] The deep ocean floor is the only place it inhabits. Keep an eye out.
[SpongeBob sticks his eye through the submarine's telescope and sees a giant green fangtooth fish in front of them.]
SpongeBob: Eye found it! [pulls his eye back through the telescope] But how do we milk it?
Sandy: We'll have to distract her first. Deploy kibble!
[Sandy flips the switch and pours food down for the fangtooth fish to eat. The fangtooth fish kneels down and starts eating the food. SpongeBob and Sandy exit the submarine and rush over to the fangtooth fish's udder.]
SpongeBob: Is one udder better than another udder?
Sandy: We'll just have to milk them all! [gives SpongeBob a bucket]
[Sandy pulls up a stool, cracks her hands, and begins the milking process. Sandy milks some of the milk in the bucket and fills SpongeBob up with the milk. She pulls out a milking device and sticks it onto SpongeBob to spew the milk into the bucket. She pulls the device off of SpongeBob and puts it away.]
Sandy: Whoa, nelly! Good girl.
[The fangtooth fish moos like a cow and eats her food while SpongeBob and Sandy leave with the milk. Plankton, who was hiding behind some coral, giggles and flies over to the fangtooth fish's udder. He attempts to milk the milk out, but it wouldn't work since it was too big for him to pull.]
Plankton: Huh? Don't you run dry on me, baby! [punches the udder]
[Plankton's punching gets the fangtooth fish's attention.]
Plankton: [continues punching the udder] Come on! Flow already!
Female Fangtooth Fish: [sees Plankton] Huh? [growls]
Plankton: Uh, nice fishy-fishy. I—I don't suppose you like chumsicles. [pulls out a chumsicle and laughs nervously]
[The fangtooth fish swaps the chumsicle away and Plankton runs for his life. The fangtooth fish fires the milk from her udder and sprays it onto Plankton. Plankton takes out a bucket and gets some of the milk.]
Plankton: [giggles] Yeah! Thanks for the fish milk, ugly! [laughs as he attempts to leave, but ends up getting swallowed by an orange male fangtooth fish]
Male Fangtooth Fish: You're not ugly, darling. You've got character.
Female Fangtooth Fish: Aww! [rubs the male fangtooth fish's chin and giggles]
Plankton: [shakes the bucket off while inside the male fangtooth fish's mouth] Oh, shrimp! Guess I'll have to take the long walk to the back exit. [goes down the male fangtooth fish's throat]]
[The scene changes to SpongeBob and Sandy flying the submarine to the Flying Dutchman's ghost ship.]
Sandy: SpongeBob, what are we doing here? The Flying Dutchman's about as welcoming as an outhouse breeze!
SpongeBob: It's on the list. [pulls out the list and points to the last item] See? Ghost dandruff.
[SpongeBob and Sandy hear the Flying Dutchman laughing. The scene goes to the Flying Dutchman looking at himself in the mirror.]
Flying Dutchman: [laughing] With my face, I can say anything and make it sound scary! [makes a scary face in the mirror and laughs] One large skinny pumpkin latte with soy milk, please? [laughs and forms a chainsaw on his face]
[SpongeBob and Sandy sneak into the Dutchman's ship through an open window. Sandy throws a lasso and ties it up to the ceiling. SpongeBob and Sandy climb up while the Flying Dutchman continues to admire himself in the mirror.]
Flying Dutchman: [forms a more hideous face] Forty percent chance of rain tonight as we head into the weekend. [shakes his head and laughs]
[SpongeBob and Sandy tip-toe quietly above the Flying Dutchman. They lower themselves down to where the Dutchman is having dandruff. Sandy brushes the dandruff into SpongeBob's bucket with her tail.]
SpongeBob: [whispers] Got it!
[SpongeBob and Sandy quickly climb back up and quietly leave. Plankton sneaks into through the hole on the floor. He throws the grappling hook and climbs up the Dutchman's back. He takes out a little vacuum and goes to suck the dandruff. But the vacuum accidentally sucks up the Dutchman's hair and it pulls really hard, causing the Flying Dutchman to feel pain.]
Flying Dutchman: Ah! Ow! Uh! What the?! [sees Plankton and grabs him] How dare you steal my dandruff! I've been drying me scalp for centuries in order to achieve the perfect dermatitis flakes! [points to his scalp with dry flakes on it]
Plankton: [hold up dandruff shampoo] Maybe some skull and shoulders would help?
[The Flying Dutchman growls angrily and blasts Plankton out of his ship with his powers. The scene changes to SpongeBob and Sandy flying over Jellyfish Fields with all of the items they've obtained from the list. Sandy is brushing the dandruff off her tail.]
SpongeBob: Well, we got everything on the list. [pulls up the bag of ingredients and spins the seat] Oh, Mr. Krabs will be so proud of me!
Sandy: I hope so, because that's the craziest group of ingredients I ever—Whoa!
[Suddenly, the alarm blares and the submarine shakes. It appears that Plankton is having the Chum Bucket plunge SpongeBob and Sandy out of the submarine. Plankton pops out.]
Plankton: There is one more thing I needed to get on my shopping list. Everything! [cackles] Thanks for doing it for me! So long, chumps!
[The Chum Bucket flings SpongeBob and Sandy away, grabs the submarine, takes it inside and pulls out the bag of ingredients.]
Plankton: [laughs evilly] At last! The Krabby Patty secret ingredients are in my hands!
[SpongeBob and Sandy land in a bush.]
SpongeBob: Aw, my ingredients!
Sandy: [cries] My submarine!
Yeti Crab: [appears next to them and growls] My hair!
[SpongeBob and Sandy scream in terror.]
French Narrator: Later…
[The scene changes back to the Krusty Krab. The yeti crab walks to the restaurant with a brown wig. He lets SpongeBob and Sandy off his back.]
Yeti Crab: Thanks for the wig.
Sandy: No problem! [sighs as she sees her tail completely shaved off] It'll grow back.
[The yeti crab turns and leaves.]
SpongeBob: And you even had enough to cover his buns. [points to the yeti crab's butt all covered up with Sandy's fur]
[Mr. Krabs is bathing in a tub of money in the restaurant. SpongeBob and Sandy enter the restaurant and sulk over to Mr. Krabs.]
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs gasps and hides in the tub] I got all the secret ingredients on your list, but Plankton stole them all! I made the apocalypse!
[SpongeBob cries a fountain of tears and spray them all over the restaurant, which hits Mr. Krabs. Sandy gets drenched on by the tears and activates the windshield wipers on her helmet.]
Mr. Krabs: [plugs SpongeBob's mouth with a cork] Now, now, son. You didn't make the apocalypse. I couldn't afford to have Plankton following me while I was getting the real ingredients at the Barg'N-Mart, could I?
[Mr. Krabs pushes the button on the table Fred is eating on and it flips over showing a shopping cart containing the real Krabby Patty ingredients.]
Fred: [screams] My leg!
SpongeBob: So, my list was a fake? So, no apocalypse?
Mr. Krabs: No apocalypse.
SpongeBob: I saved the world! [laughs and dances around the restaurant while Sandy glares angrily at Mr. Krabs] No apocalypse! No apocalypse! No apocalypse! No apocalypse!
Mr. Krabs: Let's not go too far.
Sandy: [rolls up her sleeves] You mean you sent my best friend on a dangerous wild goose chase just so you could go shopping?! [backs Mr. Krabs into his office] Excuse us, SpongeBob. [closes the door while wearing her karate glove] This is for my tail!
Mr. Krabs: Wait, Sandy, I was—
Sandy: Hi-yah! [karate chops Mr. Krabs really hard. Mr. Krabs ends up crashing into the door, buttocks first] This is for almost getting us killed!
Mr. Krabs: Wait, Sandy!
Sandy: Hi-yah! [karate chops Mr. Krabs really hard again. This time, head first at the door, and comes out with a bag of money as compensation for Sandy's submarine] And this is for my submarine, Matilda!
[Mr. Krabs come out and is completely beaten up.]
Sandy: [kicks the plank Mr. Krabs is standing on] Hi-yah! Hi-yah! [kicks Mr. Krabs and sends him flying through the roof]
Mr. Krabs: Well, I guess I had that coming.
[Meanwhile, at the Chum Bucket, Plankton is fixing up a batch of Krabby Patties with the fake ingredients.]
Plankton: Can you believe it, Karen? After all these years, the secret ingredients are finally here! And the final ingredient: [pulls out a bucket of ghost dandruff from the bag] ghost dandruff!
Karen: [backs away] I wouldn't add that last one.
Plankton: [adds ghost dandruff to the batch] Ha, ha! I can't wait to see the look on Krabs' face!
[Plankton stirs the fake ingredients all together. Then all of a sudden, the Chum Bucket explodes and sends Plankton flying in the sky.]
Plankton: [screams until he sees Mr. Krabs] Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Plankton.