Sea-Man Sponge Haters Club/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sea-Man Sponge Haters Club" from season 13, which aired on May 6, 2022.

[The episode opens with a shot of SpongeBob's house. He opens the door, carrying a large bag of garbage.]
SpongeBob: Oh, we had some good times, Trashy, but you're gonna love the dump! You'll make so many trashy new friends!
[A bit of garbage leaks from the bag and drops on SpongeBob's nose. He laughs. SpongeBob extends his foot to hold up his trash can, then puts the bag inside and pulls his foot back in.]
SpongeBob: [patting the bag] I'm gonna miss you! [suddenly notices something] Huh?
[Mrs. Puff, in a brown coat, is walking towards Squidward's house.]
SpongeBob: [waving] Hi, Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: [in disguise] I'm not here!
SpongeBob: Oops! [winks and points] My mistake.
[Plankton, the mailman and Bubble Bass follow behind Mrs. Puff, also in brown coats and glasses.]
SpongeBob: [waving] Hi, Plankton! Hi, Bubble Bass! [his nose turns into an extra hand, which he waves] Hi, Mr. Mailman!
Plankton, Bubble Bass, and Mailman: [raising one hand] We're not here!
SpongeBob: Hmm, maybe I need glasses. [takes off his eyes, blows on them, rubs them with his elbow, and then puts them back on his face]
[Mrs. Puff knocks on Squidward's door. He peers through a gap in the door, then opens it and motions for everyone to come in. Inside Squidward's house, everyone is seated around a table. Squidward holds a gavel and has a bucket of sponges next to him.]
Squidward: Fellow sponge sufferers, the 431st "We Hate SpongeBob" club will now come to order. [bangs the gavel] And now, our motto.
Plankton, Bubble Bass, Mailman, Mrs. Puff, and Squidward: [raising one hand] We don't mean SpongeBob any harm. We just can't stand him.
Squidward: Does anyone have any new sponge pain they would like to share?
[The members stick their hands out, all talking over each other.]
Mrs. Puff: How much time do you have?
Plankton: I do!
Bubble Bass: Oh, yes. I do.
Mailman: I have to unwrap my package of pain!
[Suddenly, SpongeBob is heard laughing.]
Squidward: Huh? [the members retract their hands as Squidward motions for them to stop] Hold that agony. [looks to his right to see SpongeBob at the window]
SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward!
Squidward: [grunts, pulls the window blinds down, then faces the group] Proceed.
Mrs. Puff: [clears her throat] I have some misfortune to share.
Squidward: The chair recognizes Sufferer Puff. [grabs a sponge] Please receive the speaking sponge. [hands her the sponge]
Mrs. Puff: [nervously kneading the sponge] It all began last week.
[In Mrs. Puff's story, she and a young girl with braces drive through a colorful landscape of lollipops and rainbows.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] I was enjoying one of my favorite things. [their car parks in front of Mrs. Puff's Boating School] Awarding a student their driver's license. [holds up a license] You've passed your driver's exam, Bertie! [Bertie is excited] Congratulations! [close-up on the license, which sparkles]
Bertie: [takes the license] I couldn't have done it without you, Mrs. Puff! I bet you can teach anyone!
Mrs. Puff: [blushes] Oh ho ho, aww!
[The background turns orange and a shadow is cast as SpongeBob suddenly appears from the middle of the boat, laughing ominously.]
Mrs. Puff: Almost anyone.
[SpongeBob, with a grotesquely detailed face and hands, slides up to Bertie.]
SpongeBob: Nice license. [getting closer] Can I touch it? [takes her license and rubs it on himself, laughing creepily. Bertie looks scared]
Bertie: Eww, gross! [tries to take her license from SpongeBob, but he keeps holding on. Bertie grabs her license too hard and is flung backwards out of the boat, then screams and crashes offscreen]
SpongeBob: Well, looks like you have an opening in your schedule, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: I tried to leave [the boat's doors lock], but we all know there is [a purple spiral appears in her eyes over a swirling background] no escape from [SpongeBob morphs into a disturbing Rat Fink-style version of himself] SpongeBob!
[SpongeBob laughs crazily, then sticks his foot through the boat and then speeds up the boat. The landscape is now dark and barren.]
SpongeBob: Accelerate safely into traffic!
[SpongeBob speeds and twists the road into a knot.]
SpongeBob: [spins the steering wheel] Now for a 360 point turn!
[The boat spins out of control, but hits a stop sign, causing the landscape to go back to normal.]
SpongeBob: Oops! Almost ran a stop sign! [gets flung backwards by the stop sign] Whoaaa!
Mrs. Puff: Whoaaa! [the boat hits the Boating School lighthouse] Aaaah! [the lighthouse tips over, causing the Boating School to explode]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] SpongeBob destroyed [fade back to her in Squidward's house, having twisted the sponge into a knot] my beautiful school! [tears the sponge] Just like last week! [cries, and Squidward puts a purple blanket over her]
Squidward: It's okay. We're here for you. [holding up another sponge] Who would like to share next?
SpongeBob: [sticking his head through the mail slot] I would! I'd like to share a hug!
Mailman: [sticks a package in SpongeBob's mouth and kicks him] Looks like you could use a stamp!
Bubble Bass: I believe that I am next in the roundelay. My speaking sponge, please? [Squidward holds one out. Bubble Bass looks displeased, but takes it anyways.] I was at the Krusty Krab [fades in to Bubble Bass sitting at a table in the Krusty Krab] to grab a light snack between first and second lunch.
[SpongeBob walks up, holding a large plate of food.]
SpongeBob: Order up, o valued customer!
Bubble Bass: Ah. Finally. [puts on bib] Sustenance for my starving stomach!
SpongeBob: [detailed close-up on his face] I hope it's perfect!
[Bubble Bass is about to eat a fry, but then SpongeBob gasps as he grabs his arm.]
Bubble Bass: Huh? [SpongeBob takes the fry away from him]
SpongeBob: It's not perfect! [bends the fry, causing grease to splatter and hit Bubble Bass] It's too greasy!
[Bubble Bass grabs another fry. SpongeBob jumps up and takes it.]
SpongeBob: And this fry isn't greasy enough! [blows flour from it in Bubble Bass' face]
Bubble Bass: Try as I might, [coughing] SpongeBob would not let me consume a single calorie! [drinking soda] I tried to take a sip of soda to slake my thirst!
[SpongeBob gasps and pulls out a straw from one of his pores. He sticks the straw in Bubble Bass' mouth and sucks the soda out, then tastes it and swallows.] Not fizzy enough!
[Bubble Bass squeezes the soda in frustration. He grabs a Krabby Patty.]
Bubble Bass: That perforated pest wouldn't let me taste a morsel of Krabby Patty!
[As Bubble Bass is about to bite into the Krabby Patty, SpongeBob grabs it. Bubble Bass bites his tongue and screams.]
Bubble Bass: Give me back my patty, you festering fusspot!
SpongeBob: [gasps] I can't! [He runs away, and Bubble Bass follows him.] The sesame seeds are misaligned! And the lettuce has too many wrinkles! The tomato has lost its sheen!
Bubble Bass: Let me eat, you insufferable interrupter!
[Bubble Bass jumps and lands on SpongeBob, then takes the Krabby Patty from him.]
Bubble Bass: Victory is mine! [eats the patty and swallows, then laughs]
SpongeBob: [weary noises, then his eyes bug out] Awooga!
[SpongeBob jumps into Bubble Bass' mouth, struggling. Bubble Bass swallows him and smacks his lips.]
Bubble Bass: A tad spongy, but not bad! [He holds up the Krabby Patty and is about to bite it, but his stomach rumbles.] That fry cook has given me a slight case of indigestion! [His stomach rumbles even louder. SpongeBob comes out of his belly button.]
SpongeBob: [holding up Krabby Patty] I shall let no customer eat a less-than-perfect patty! [pats his head] Oh! [He reaches into Bubble Bass' belly button again and takes out his employee hat.] Ahh! [to Bubble Bass] I forgot my hat!
[Bubble Bass runs out of the Krusty Krab, screaming. Fade to him in Squidward's house, eating the speaking sponge.]
Bubble Bass: That squishy simpleton left my navel [close-up on Bubble Bass' knotted belly button, as a woman screams] in knots!
Plankton: [taking a sponge from the box and dragging it to his seat] You call that suffering? I'll tell you a truly terrifying tale... [fade to the exterior of the Chum Bucket, on a stormy night] It was a dark and spongy night!
[Plankton is seen, in silhouette, hitting something with a hammer.]
Plankton: [narrating] I was working peacefully in my lab on my newest invention to... uh... help fishkind? Yeah, that's it. [throws the hammer away] Yes! My terrible [holds up a stick of dynamite with a roll of toilet paper around it] toilet paper will wipe Bikini Bottom off the face of the ocean! [laughs, then pats the toilet paper] Plus, it's quilted! [laughs, but is interrupted by SpongeBob's laughter.]
[The lab's doors are seen swinging open.]
Plankton: [shrugs] Eh. [evil laugh]
[SpongeBob is heard laughing, along with some bubbling, as the scene cuts to a barrel of chum.]
Plankton: Why does something always ruin a good evil laugh? [SpongeBob's laughter grows louder.] But then, I saw it!
[A tall cylinder in the corner of the room tips over. SpongeBob appears from behind it, flying around like a bird and smashing into walls.]
Plankton: [narrating] A wild SpongeBob had gotten in to my lab!
SpongeBob: [bird calls]
Plankton: [shouting] Karen! It got in again! [Karen appears, holding two brooms, through a laser-cut hole in the wall.]
Karen: Did you leave the window open again?
[SpongeBob crashes into the wall, then the floor. He jumps up to Karen's monitor, then squeezes inside.]
Karen: [gasps] It's in my mainframe!
[SpongeBob appears as a pixelated image on Karen's screen, then exits.]
Karen: Oh, you dirty bird! Get down from there! [She swings the broom at him, but hits Plankton instead.]
SpongeBob: [scared bird call]
[Karen nearly hits him with the broom, and he flies off. Karen presses on Plankton.]
Karen: Come on, lazy bones! Sweep it out the door!
Plankton: [groans]
[SpongeBob flies away, tipping over a barrel of chum. Karen and Plankton run at him with their brooms. They slip on the chum and end up outside the restaurant, falling in a puddle. The doors slam shut. SpongeBob laughs as Plankton tries to open the door.]
Plankton: He's locked us out! [cries as SpongeBob keeps laughing, and lightning strikes]
[In Squidward's living room, Plankton is punching a speaking sponge.]
Plankton: So if you hear that horrible sound of a SpongeBob, just run! [the sponge falls over and crushes him] Ow! [muffled] Run for your lives!
[SpongeBob's laughter is heard, as the group looks shocked. Squidward walks up to a square machine that resembles SpongeBob.]
Squidward: Calm down. My AC is just acting up again. [hits the AC, causing it to stop making noise]
Mrs. Puff: [fanning herself] Ooh, ooh!
Plankton: Phew!
Bubble Bass: Phew!
Mailman: Thank Neptune!
Squidward: You think you all have it bad? [takes sponge from basket] Wait until you hear my tale of spongy terror... [takes out clock] in real time. [his eyes turn into numbers] Three, two, one... [the doorbell rings] He had arrived!
[Squidward opens the door. The group gasps. Nobody is outside.]
Squidward: But there was no one there! Perhaps... it was nothing! Or was SpongeBob already in the house?
[SpongeBob shows up holding a small measuring cup, his eyes spaced far apart. The lighting briefly goes dark.]
SpongeBob: Could I borrow a cup of saltwater?
Squidward: [sighs, then takes the cup and swishes it in the air, before thrusting it into SpongeBob's shirt] Here. [SpongeBob walks away] Of course, the saltwater was just a ruse to come inside uninvited.
SpongeBob: [puts his arm around the mailman] Ooh! Are you having a party?
Squidward: Naturally, SpongeBob lost no time annoying everyone in the room!
SpongeBob: Hi, Mrs. Puff! I can't wait until my next lesson!
Mrs. Puff: Ew...
SpongeBob: Mailman, I gotta tell ya! Every package from you is a special delivery! Let's catch up soon, huh?
Mailman: Uh...
SpongeBob: Looking fit, Bubble Bass! [flexes] Been pumping the iron, huh? [picks up Plankton's chair and flicks his antenna] And Plankton, has anyone ever told you that you have the loveliest eye?
Squidward: Of course, if SpongeBob was around, [camera pans to show Patrick standing behind Squidward] his pointy pink pal couldn't be far behind. [Patrick drinks a bowl of punch, including the ladle]
Patrick: You're out of punch!
[Squidward growls in anger.]
SpongeBob: [walking to the door] Don't worry, Squidward! I'll mix up a batch of my special pineapple punch!
[Squidward growls in anger, holding a sponge, then rushes towards him. SpongeBob is standing in the doorway.]
SpongeBob: It's homemade! Made out of the walls of my home.
[Camera pans to the exterior of SpongeBob's house, then back to him laughing. He shuts the door, and Squidward slams into it. He pops back out, onto the floor, with the speaking sponge falling into his hand.]
Squidward: And no SpongeBob story would be complete without him destroying something!
SpongeBob: [entering while holding a bowl] I've got pineapple puuu--[trips over Squidward] Whoa!
[The punch lands on the air conditioner, which short circuits and lights on fire. The club members run out of the house, screaming.]
SpongeBob: Ooops. [walks away slowly]
Squidward: [holds up sponge and drops it] The end.
[Bubble transition to the next scene with firefighters putting out Squidward's burning house. The club members, SpongeBob, and Patrick stand outside, with Patrick still drinking punch.]
Mrs. Puff: Where are we gonna finish our club meeting now?
SpongeBob: [clears throat] I know a place you could have your meeting! [He gestures to his house. The club members groan.]
[Bubble transition to the next scene with the members in SpongeBob's house, besides Squidward, sitting on his couch. Patrick sits on a chair, and SpongeBob brings in a plate of food.]
SpongeBob: Who's ready for hors d'oeuvres? Watch out for the--
[Patrick takes the plate and devours its contents. The toothpicks stick out of his mouth.]
SpongeBob: ...toothpicks.
Bubble Bass: Phooey. [holds up empty basket] We're all out of speaking sponges.
SpongeBob: [off-screen] Oh, no, you're not! There's one left! [Cut to a detailed close-up of SpongeBob posing. Sponge transition to him now being twisted by the mailman and laughing.]
Mailman: And I was [coughs out letters] coughing up his mail for weeks! [coughs out more letters]
[Pan to Squidward in the remains of his house, still sitting in his chair and holding a gavel.]
Squidward: I declare this meeting of the We Hate SpongeBob Club... adjourned. Bang.
[Squidward hits himself in the face with his gavel and collapses on the floor, ending the episode.]