This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sailor Mouth" from season 2, which aired on September 21, 2001.
- [The title card has men singing part of the song "Sailing Over the Dogger Bank"] ♪Oh, watch out, trigger, she's a proper ju-ber-ju, on a passage from the Dogger Bank to Great Grimsby!♪
- [The episode opens at the Krusty Krab during nighttime. Mr. Krabs is inside the Krusty Krab near the door.]
- Mr. Krabs: [sighs] Well, it's the worst time of the day once again. [cringes as he changes the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Closing time.
- SpongeBob: Well, see you in the A.M., Mr. Krabs.
- Mr. Krabs: [picks up SpongeBob] Hold on there, SpongeBob. [pulls SpongeBob back] Take that pile of filth out with you. [Squidward holds up a trash bag with flies flying around it]
- SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs, you shouldn't talk about Squidward like that.
- Squidward: He means this filth, you loon. [drops the bag on the floor]
- [SpongeBob goes to the dumpster while bringing the trash bag.]
- SpongeBob: [singing] Mm, taking out the trash, taking out the trash.
- [SpongeBob throws the trash in the dumpster and then looks at some writings on the dumpster.]
- SpongeBob: Hmm, dumpster writing! The voice of the people. "Up with bubbles, down with air." [laughs] "Nematodes are people, too." [laughs] Ha, those nematodes. Here's one somebody didn't finish: "Squidward smells... Good." [writes the word "good" after "smells"] [laughs] Hmm, what's this one? Krabs is a... Hmm? Krabs is a [dolphin chirp].
- Incidental 119: [clearly disgusted] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? [picks up some garbage bags and leaves]
- SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not... recently.
- Patrick: [off-screen] Hi, garbage man. [appears on-screen] Hi, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick. Hey, Patrick, do you know what this word means?
- Patrick: "Krabs..." Uh, isn't that the red, sweaty guy you work for?
- SpongeBob: [pointing to "Krabs," then the unseen word] Nuh-uh, not that word. That word.
- Patrick: [dolphin chirp]. Hey! I think I know what that means. That's one of those sentence enhancers.
- SpongeBob: Sentence enhancers?
- Patrick: You use 'em when you wanna talk fancy. You just sprinkle it over anything you say, and wham-o! You've got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich.
- SpongeBob: Oh, I get it. Let me try. [clears his throat] Hello, Patrick. Lovely [dolphin chirp] day we're having isn't it?
- Patrick: Why, yes it is, SpongeBob. This [dolphin chirp] day is particularly [dolphin chirp] lovely.
- SpongeBob: How [dolphin chirp] right you are, Patrick!
- [The two continue to say the word a few more times.]
- SpongeBob: Ooh, you're right, Patrick. My lips are tingling from the spiciness of this conversation.
- Patrick: Ooh-hoo, mine, too.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
- SpongeBob: It tingles when I laugh.
- [SpongeBob walks into the Krusty Krab the next day.]
- SpongeBob: [opens the doors] Hello, customers. Nice [dolphin chirp] day we're havin', huh? [the customers stop eating and stare in shock]
- Harold: [gasps] Did he just say...
- Pirate 3: Aye, he did.
- SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, how the [dolphin chirp] are ya?
- Patrick: [sitting at a table at the Krusty Krab] Pretty [dolphin chirp] good, SpongeBob.
- Old Man Jenkins: I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter-mouth convention.
- SpongeBob: [taps on the microphone and speaks into it] Attention, customers. Today's special is a [dolphin chirp] Krabby Patty served in a greasy [dolphin chirp] sauce and grilled to [dolphin chirp] perfection. [The customers continue to be shocked at what they're hearing. Incidental 67 drops his patty while Incidental 41 stops chewing, causing his food to float in midair. A mother octopus holds her tentacles over her laughing children's ears to prevent them from hearing any vulgar language, but one octopus kid keeps laughing since she already used all of her tentacles to cover her kids' ears, so she puts a soda cup on his head.] And, don't forget to ask us to [dolphin chirp] the [dolphin chirp] fries. It will be our [dolphin chirp] pleasure. [Squidward hears the intercom and a giant human ear pops out of his head; he pushes it back in] Hi, Squidward. How the [dolphin chirp] are ya?
- Patrick: Nice [dolphin chirp] day, isn't it, Squidward?
- Tom: I don't understand. That guy's talented. He doesn't have to work blue.
- Incidental 14: Let's go somewhere more family oriented.
- [Everyone leaves the Krusty Krab, grumbling in frustration]
- Female fish: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] I'm never eating here again.
- Male fish: [chattering (variously and) inaudibly] Those foul-mouth bottom feeders.
- [The Krusty Krab customer meter is running down; sirens wail and a red light flashes.]
- Mr. Krabs: [in the bathroom, hears the sirens] Huh? [looks through the periscope, sees that the Krusty Krab is empty, and gasps] The Krusty Krab! She's empty! [runs to the dining room with toilet paper stuck to one of his legs] All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward! Where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?
- Squidward: Apparently the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom. [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick]
- Mr. Krabs: Well, what was it? What did he say?
- Squidward: Uh, he said, uh, well, he said... [whispering]
- Mr. Krabs: Huh?
- Squidward: [He whispers again.]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for usin' such language!
- SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs we were only using our sentence enhancers.
- Patrick: Yeah, it's fancy talk.
- Mr. Krabs: There ain't nothin' fancy about that word!
- SpongeBob: You mean [dolphin chirp]?
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, that one! [SpongeBob and Patrick stand up] Now quit sayin' that! [SpongeBob and Patrick frown] It's a bad word.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Bad word?! [both regretfully wipe their tongues while moaning]
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, siree. That's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
- Squidward: Don't you mean there are only seven?
- Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor. [laughs]
- SpongeBob: Wow, 13.
- Patrick: That's a lot of [dolphin chirp] bad words.
- Mr. Krabs: Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: We promise.
- [Later at SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are playing Eels and Escalators."]
- SpongeBob: Gee, I sure am glad Mr. Krabs told us that word we were using was a bad word.
- Patrick: Yeah, me too because classy sophisticates like us should not stain our lips with cursing.
- SpongeBob: Yea, verily. Now let's play a nice, wholesome game of Eels and Escalators."
- Patrick: Oh, boy, my favorite! [flops his arms up and down like a seal]
- SpongeBob: Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes. [rolls the dice]
- Patrick: Ooh, eels. Too bad, SpongeBob. You gotta ride the eel.
- SpongeBob: Darn. [moves his game piece to an eel]
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls the dice] Hooray! Escalators! [laughs excitedly] Up, up, up!
- SpongeBob: Come on, escalators, escalators, escalators. [rolls the dice and sighs] Eels again.
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls the dice] Escalators!
- SpongeBob: Escalators, escalators, escalators. [throws the dice] Eels?!
- Patrick: [rolls the dice] Es-kee-lators! [moves to the escalators] Well, this is your last chance, SpongeBob. Oh, if you get eels again, you lose.
- SpongeBob: [gets frustrated while rolling the dice] Ooh... escalators, escalators, escalators! [the dice is thrown and lands on escalators] Ha! Escalators! [the dice later turn over to eels]
- Patrick: Eels.
- SpongeBob: Bah! [dolphin chirp]! [quickly covers his mouth as he realizes his mistake]
- Patrick: Ohh. You said number 11!
- SpongeBob: [babbles for Patrick to understand] I-I-I didn't mean... You gotta understand, Patrick, I was trying... What I meant to say... Some things just slip out. You gotta understand!
- Patrick: Don't worry, SpongeBob. I understand. [pause] Mr. Krabs! [runs out the door] Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [starts running to the Krusty Krab]
- SpongeBob: [starts running after him and screams] Patrick! [after SpongeBob catches up to Patrick] Patrick, no! Please don't tell!
- Patrick: But, you said "[dolphin chirp]"! [promptly covers his mouth as he realizes his mistake]
- SpongeBob: A-ha! Now I'm gonna tell Mr. Krabs on you!
- Patrick: Not if I tell first!
- SpongeBob: I can run faster than you! [laughs]
- Patrick: [riding on the back of an ice cream truck] See you at the Krusty Krab! Hahaha! [the truck turns left, away from the Krusty Krab's direction] Oh, no!
- SpongeBob: [laughs as he barges into the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: What, what, what?
- SpongeBob: Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!
- Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes, yes?
- SpongeBob: He said, he said, he said...
- Mr. Krabs: Out with it, boy!
- SpongeBob: [talking fast] Me and Patrick were playing "Eels and Escalators," and he was going up, up, up, and I had to ride the eel. Then we ran and Patrick, he said some things.
- Mr. Krabs: [eyes SpongeBob] What kind of things?
- SpongeBob: Well, he said...
- Mr. Krabs: Yes?
- SpongeBob: Well, he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be number 11 in a list of 13 words that you said shouldn't be said.
- Mr. Krabs: Uh, right. What was that part about the, uh... who now?
- Patrick: [walks into the Krusty Krab eating an ice cream, but throws away the cone] Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs sighs]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: He said that word that you said he shouldn't!
- SpongeBob: ...number 13...
- [SpongeBob and Patrick babble on about the word, as Mr. Krabs stares on disapprovingly, until the two are just pointing at each other and yelling gibberish; Mr. Krabs eventually grabs their lips to quiet them.]
- Mr. Krabs: Now I'm gonna let go of yer lips, and when I do, I want you to calmly tell me what youse need to tell me. Understand?
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Mmm-hmm. [Mr. Krabs lets go of their lips, which initially deflate, then reinflate; they both point at each other again] He said "[dolphin chirp]"!
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Do my ears deceive me?! You two should be ashamed! Time to take out the trash. [picks SpongeBob and Patrick up by their pants and carries them outside the Krusty Krab] You two need to be taught a lesson. I thought I made it clear. Never-- and I mean never-- use number 11 or any of the 13 bad words! Now, the both of youse wait right here. I'll be back. [walks back inside the Krusty Krab]
- [SpongeBob and Patrick are shaking in anxiety]
- Patrick: What's going to happen to us?
- SpongeBob: We'll probably get 40 lashes!
- Patrick: Oh, no! [fearfully imagines himself blinking with 40 thick eyelashes]
- SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. Mr. Krabs is right. There's no need for words like that.
- Patrick: I'm sorry, too, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Let's make a vow, Patrick. From this day forth a foul word shall never pass our lips. We will be good citizens, just like good old Mr. Krabs.
- Patrick: [shakes hands with SpongeBob] Agreed.
- Mr. Krabs: [returns with a ladder and several paint cans] All right, you two foul mouths. As punishment for foulin' the air in me restaurant with your foul words, you're gonna give the Krusty Krab a fresh coat of paint from top to bottom. [jams his foot on a rock then hops on one leg] Woo! Wow! Oh! Whoa! Oh, my [dolphin chirps] foot! What [dolphin chirps] genius put a [dolphin chirps] rock in a [dolphin chirps] path?! Can't you see I got a [boat horn] foot here?! Oh [seal bark]!
- [Mr. Krabs continues saying a bunch of swear words, censored out by seagulls, foghorns, ship bells, and various other aquatic animal calls and nautical noises; at this moment, SpongeBob and Patrick count the swear words he uses.]
- SpongeBob: Five, six, seven...
- Mr. Krabs: And a whole lot of [boat horn], with a side of [dolphin chirp], and a heaping helping of [boat horn], boatload of [boat horn]!
- Patrick: Nine.
- Mr. Krabs: Aw, [seal bark, seagull squawk] grabbin'... [SpongeBob's alarm clock blares, he then cries in pain]
- SpongeBob: [cuts to SpongeBob with 13 fingers] That's all 13, Patrick. [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: [worried] No, please! Not my mommy! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh as they run to Mama Krabs' house, Mr. Krabs runs after them] Wait! Please don't tell me mother! I don't think her little old heart can take it!
- [They all arrive at Mama Krabs' house, a giant pink anchor.]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [repeatedly banging on the door] Mama Krabs! Mama Krabs!
- Betsy Krabs: Well, hello there!
- [SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs all explain the situation at the same time, swearing numerous times as they do so.]
- SpongeBob: Mama Krabs, he said... [points at Patrick; dolphin chirp] and then he said... [points at Mr. Krabs; dolphin chirps] ...again and he said [points at Patrick with both arms and one leg; dolphin chirps and seal barks], and then he screamed at the top of his voice...[foghorn blows]
- Patrick: [at the same time as the above lines were said] It was terrible.
- SpongeBob: And he—
- Mr. Krabs: [at the same time as the above, angrily] Gah, they're a bunch of [horn honks] liars!
- SpongeBob: ...Mrs. Krabs, he didn't care! Such a stream of [seagull caws, foghorn, ship's bell]—
- Patrick: [crying] It was terrible!
- SpongeBob: —I have never heard in my days!
- Betsy: [shocked] Oh, dear! My poor, old heart. [faints]
- Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Oh, dear mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to ya? [takes a coin out of her pocket] You two should be ashamed! Makin' an old lady faint with your sailor talk!
- Betsy: You should all be ashamed! And if you're going to talk like sailors, then you're going to work like sailors.
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs painting her house, while Patrick is painting the sand.]
- Betsy: I guess you scallywags have earned a glass of lemonade. [laughs in the style of Popeye, then stubs her foot on a rock] Yee-ow! My [Klaxon ahooga horn blares as she mouths "...poor old...!"] foot!
- [SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in shock.]
- Mr. Krabs: [shocked] Mother!
- Betsy: What? It's Old Man Jenkins and his jalopy.
- Old Man Jenkins: [driving by] Howdy, Mrs. K.! [honks the horn]
- [SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Mama Krabs all laugh together as the episode ends.]