Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Rock-a-Bye Bivalve" from Season 3, which aired on March 29, 2002.

  • SpongeBob: [gasps as he runs outside to retrieve the newspaper] Gary, the paper's here! [Gary comes out on a motorized skateboard. SpongeBob gives him the paper but keeps the rubber band.] You can have this, buddy. 'Cause all I need is the entertainment section! [shakes the rubber band around for emphasis. Hums while he stretches the rubber band around the middle of his body and snaps it together, turning him into a bowtie-like shape] I am a happy sponge! [runs around, laughing, while Gary is reading the paper]
  • Gary: [looking slightly annoyed by SpongeBob by rolling his eyes] Meow! [SpongeBob runs into Patrick, who also has a rubber band stretched around him]
  • Patrick: I see you got the paper. [his rubber band snaps off]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Patrick. [then his rubber band snaps off as well. Patrick clears his throat] Well, I'd better get going.
  • Patrick: Yep, see you later. [both walk off but then hear a chirping sound and they both quickly run back, with their hands over their ears]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: What did you say?
  • Patrick: Well, I didn't say anything.
  • SpongeBob: I didn't say anything, either.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: See you later then. [both walk off again and the squeaking noise is heard again, so they both run back. This time, they are angry]
  • SpongeBob: [Pointing at Patrick] Alright, quit messing with me! I know you said something.
  • Patrick: Ah, but it is you [points] that is messing with me. [both look down to see the squeaking noise is coming from a shaking branch. Patrick points downward.] That's what's messing with us!
  • SpongeBob: It's a baby scallop.
  • Patrick: [angrily lifts up his foot with a threatening look on his face, looking as though he is about to smash the scallop] I'll take care of this!
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick! It's totally helpless. [takes the baby scallop in his hands] It looks like he can't even fly yet.
  • Patrick: What's the matter, is he stupid?
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he's just a baby. [close-up of the chirping scallop in SpongeBob's hands] He's all alone with no one to take care of him.
  • Patrick: Well, we can't just leave him out here.
  • SpongeBob: You're right. Come on, let's take him into the pineapple. [both run in and set the baby scallop on the ground] Hmmm, let's see, we need a box for him to sleep in. [SpongeBob removes his pants and sets it in front of the scallop] There you go. It's the best seat [points to his rear] in the house. [scene cuts to Gary, who does a rimshot]
  • Patrick: Let me see! [Patrick sticks his whole head inside SpongeBob's pants] Hey, he's kinda cute. Uh-oh! [takes his head out, which is now eaten on the side] I think somebody's hungry!
  • SpongeBob: [takes out Junior and speaks in baby-talk to it] Is it true? Are you hungry?
  • Junior: [chirping happily] Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!
  • SpongeBob: I've got just the thing. [puts Junior on a barrel and takes out a Krabby Patty] How would you like a Krabby Patty? [Junior yelps]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants, are you crazy? That's not the right food for a little fella like him!
  • SpongeBob: Of course not. I don't know what I was thinking. What he needs is a tiny Krabby Patty. [shows Junior a minuscule Krabby Patty]
  • Junior: [sniffs the patty, then sticks his tongue out in disgust] Blech!
  • SpongeBob: Huh? No one's ever turned down one of these before. [gobbles it and gulps it down]
  • Patrick: [holds up a doughnut] Let's try a doughnut. [Junior hisses]
  • SpongeBob: [holds up a tray of French fries] French fries?
  • Junior: [shaking his head] Unh-unh.
  • Patrick: [eating the doughnut] A doughnut? [Junior blows a raspberry]
  • SpongeBob: [holds up an apple] All we have left is this apple. [a worm pokes its head out of the apple]
  • Worm: Hello, sea creatures! I bring you greetings from Apple World! [Junior chirps in excitement]
  • SpongeBob: Of course! Scallops love worms. [picks up the worm]
  • Worm: Huh, wait! We will bury you! [SpongeBob drops it in Junior's mouth]
  • SpongeBob: Well, you should be good for the rest of the... [Junior cries]
  • Patrick: What now?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know! Aww, don't cry. [Junior is still crying]
  • Patrick: Do something, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Uhh...uhh...uhh... Blah-blah-blah! Look at the funny face! Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo! Look at the funny face! [shows SpongeBob has a puppet that looks like him on his hand] Look at the funny face!
  • Patrick: Wait! I think I might know the problem. [picks up Junior and looks at him] Yep, that's it, alright. [hides it behind his back] Hold on just one second. There he is, good as new. [Junior has a diaper on]
  • SpongeBob: How did you know?
  • Patrick: How do you think? [drops his pants showing that he is wearing a diaper] And I've been doing it all by myself for almost a year.
  • SpongeBob: Wow, I'm sure glad you're here.
  • Patrick: I know, good thing there's two of us.
  • SpongeBob: You know, Patrick, since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
  • Patrick: Yeah. At least until it's old enough to be on its own. Oh, I wanna be the mom!
  • SpongeBob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
  • Patrick: You're right. If I was a mom... [the camera draws back to reveal Patrick's hairy, obese, unsightly form] this would be kinda shocking. [lifts his arms, revealing armpit hair] Just call me Daddy!
  • [scene cuts to SpongeBob, in a red, polka-dotted dress, and Patrick, wearing a bow tie, leaving the pineapple with Junior in a stroller. They walk by Nat and Abigail-Marge, who have a baby of their own. Nat and Abigail-Marge look at them in confusion; rebus bubbles appear over their head, which read in pictures "Sponge + Starfish = Scallop?". Scene cuts to them running with Junior, then sliding down a slide with it, and playing in a birdbath. Scene cuts to them getting ice cream. Ice Cream Man scoops up an ice cream cone for the parents then scoops up ice cream with green worms in it for Junior. Scene cuts to them riding a bicycle doing various positions but then SpongeBob and Patrick chase after it, with Junior on the seat. Bubble transition to the exterior of SpongeBob's house at nighttime.]
  • Patrick: [softly, from inside the house] It sure is cute when it's asleep.
  • SpongeBob: [softly, from inside the house] Yeah. [SpongeBob and Patrick watch Junior sleeping] Shh! [both tiptoe out of the room]
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob? [goes to what appears to be the right side of the bed]
  • SpongeBob: [goes to what appears to be the left side] Yes, Patrick?
  • Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.
  • SpongeBob: Me neither.
  • [scene zooms out, revealing that Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top]
  • Patrick: Well, good night, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. [SpongeBob's mattress slams shut on top of Patrick. Scene cuts to morning] Patrick, breakfast is ready. [SpongeBob is cooking something over at the grill as Patrick walks in, noticing the bunch of food that is on the table]
  • Patrick: Alright! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table up as all the food slides down into mouth. He burps, then pats Junior] Hey, Junior, how are you doing today? [smells an odor from Junior] SpongeBob? [adjusts his tie]
  • SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Kid's got a stinky.
  • SpongeBob: [doing many chores at the same time] Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full. [Patrick guzzles down the coffee as Junior begins to cry]
  • Patrick: [drinking coffee] Ahh. Wish I could, but I gotta get going.
  • SpongeBob: Going? Where are you going?
  • Patrick: [puts on a suit and takes his briefcase] I'm goin' to work. I'm the dad, remember?
  • SpongeBob: You mean I have to do all this baby stuff myself?
  • Patrick: I'll give you a break tonight when I get home. Don't you two stop being adorable. [chuckles as he closes the door]
  • SpongeBob: Okay. [chuckles weakly. Day turns into night, and Patrick walks in and takes his jacket and hat off]
  • Patrick: Phew! What a day.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, great, you're home. Now you can help me with the baby.
  • Patrick: Aw, gee, SpongeBob, I'd love to, but I'm totally beat from work.
  • SpongeBob: Huh? [Patrick sits down in his armchair with a sigh and watches TV. A coconut "clonk" sound effect is heard.]
  • Patrick: [laughs] That guy got hit in the head with a coconut!
  • SpongeBob: [walks in still doing the chores] Patrick, what about my break?
  • Patrick: Oh yeah, your break. Uh, tomorrow, I promise.
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, okay, tomorrow.
  • Narrator: Tomorrow... [scene cuts to Patrick walking in at night and taking his stuff off]
  • Patrick: Phew! Another tough day. [walks by SpongeBob, who is still doing the same chores from yesterday]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I'm so glad you're home after working all day. I can't wait for my break.
  • Patrick: Work was a killer. I need my chair. [sits down and watches TV again]
  • SpongeBob: [walks in still doing chores] Patrick, I really need my...
  • Patrick: Tomorrow for sure.
  • Narrator: Tomorrow for sure... [scene cuts to a tired SpongeBob doing the same chores as Patrick walks by]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick?
  • Patrick: I'll get to it eventually...
  • Narrator: Eventually... [scene cuts to SpongeBob still doing the chores but even more tired]
  • SpongeBob: Uhhh?
  • Patrick: Uhhh.
  • Narrator: Uhhh...
  • [Scene shows Patrick watching TV. Soon enough, SpongeBob begins to realize that Patrick broke his promises to assist him with Junior and Patrick is becoming a lazy, alcoholic father figure. Seeing his patience is completely terminated and fed up with Patrick's laziness, SpongeBob decides to stand against Patrick. An angry SpongeBob walks in and turns on the lights.]
  • SpongeBob: [sternly] Patrick Star, we need to talk.
  • Patrick: [lazily] Just one more minute, I gotta...
  • SpongeBob: [angrily] Don't "one more minute" me, Mr. Man! [To Patrick's surprise, SpongeBob angrily takes away the remote and turns off the TV]
  • Patrick: [upset] Hey, I'm missin' the coconut! [he gives SpongeBob an angry look]
  • SpongeBob: [angry] You haven't been helping at all with Junior! [furiously pulls in baby stroller] We made a commitment and you're not doing your share! You never do anything.
  • Patrick: [mad] I changed his diaper!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, once.
  • Patrick: He's only this big. [furiously shows with his hands on how big Junior is] How many diapers could he possibly use?
  • SpongeBob: [opens up a trash can full of diapers] Hmmm?
  • Patrick: [doesn't see a big deal] Oh, that's not so much.
  • SpongeBob: [to prove his point, SpongeBob angrily points over to the corner of the room where there are two bags and a trash can full of diapers] Hmmm?
  • Patrick: [nervously] So?
  • SpongeBob: [angrily opens up the refrigerator, full of diapers] Hmmm? [angrily pulls the cover off the couch, revealing it to be diapers] Hmmm? [angrily tears the wallpaper off the wall, revealing a bunch of diapers behind it] Hmmm?! [furiously points outside to a garbage truck loading a bunch of diapers piling up all over Squidward and Patrick's houses into the dumpster. Patrick quivers at the sight of it]
  • Patrick: [his eyes filled with tears] I have no idea! What kind of a father am I?! Oh! [sobs as he looks at SpongeBob as he smiles] I'll make it up to you, buddy. I promise. [scene cuts to next day]
  • SpongeBob: So, what's the plan for the day?
  • Patrick: No more foolin' around. From now on, I'm Super-Dad! I'll work straight through lunch so I can get home on time. So make sure you save a big ol' stinky diaper for me to change, and you can take the night off, pal.
  • SpongeBob: [gives Patrick his briefcase as he departs] Great, so I'll see you at six o'clock.
  • Patrick: Six o'clock.
  • SpongeBob: Six o'clock.
  • Patrick: Six o'clock.
  • SpongeBob: [waving] Six o'clock.
  • Patrick: [waving] Six o'clock.
  • SpongeBob: Six o'clock.
  • Patrick: Six o'clock. [cuts to a time card]
  • Narrator: 12:00 midnight.
  • [Patrick walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light]
  • Patrick: Oh boy, that was some party! [SpongeBob is wearing his mother-like clothing and holding Junior and he gives Patrick a bitter look. SpongeBob is quiet and bitter outside, but in the inside, is very furious with Patrick for breaking his promise again.] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. [SpongeBob now looks at Patrick angrily as he taps one of his bare feet] What? What?!
  • SpongeBob: [coldly] Oh, nothing.
  • Patrick: [relieved and stupidly] Oh, what a relief. [takes the lampshade off his head and puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.
  • SpongeBob: [furiously takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?
  • Patrick: Somethin' about root beer, right?
  • SpongeBob: [takes a deep breath, flatly] No.
  • Patrick: Oh, wait, wait, let me guess. [gives up] I give up.
  • SpongeBob: Does... [angrily imitates Patrick in a mocking tone with a goofy look on his face] "You can take the night off, pal!" [normal voice] [beat] ...ring a bell?
  • Patrick: [scoffs in annoyance] I don't need this. [walks outside]
  • SpongeBob: What?! [walks to the door] Where do you think you're going?
  • Patrick: [opens his rock; angrily] I'm going back to work! [gets inside furiously and closes his rock]
  • SpongeBob: Work?! [growls in fury, turns red and rips off his foam rollers]
  • [Cut to SpongeBob, not wearing his mother-like clothing anymore, walking outside to Patrick's rock. He opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV. SpongeBob is mad.]
  • Patrick: [two "clonk" sounds are heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!
  • SpongeBob: [angrily] So, this is work?
  • Patrick: You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes, I gotta move the antenna, sometimes, I lose the remote, [looks at his rear] and sometimes, my butt itches real bad!
  • SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase! [he pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]
  • Patrick: [quietly but furiously turns his face red] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime?
  • [SpongeBob is enraged. He balls his fists and his entire body shakes. Then he loses his temper and goes ballistic on Patrick. His mouth becomes huge.]
  • SpongeBob: [Screaming intensely] Overtime?!
  • [SpongeBob jumps into Patrick's rock, and they both begin to argue intensely and abusively.]
  • Patrick: Yeah, overtime, pal!
  • SpongeBob: [overlapping Patrick] Oh, boy, yeah, you're working!
  • Patrick: You know what that means?!
  • SpongeBob: And that's the kind of work you're doing?
  • Patrick: ​It means working when you're too tired to work!
  • SpongeBob: Show me where to sign up for it, because I've been working my fingers to the bone!
  • [Junior is heard beginning to chirp]
  • Patrick: You just keep going on working and working!
  • SpongeBob: ​You never help! Never!
  • [Junior's chirping intensifies, which makes the two finally stop arguing and listen to it]
  • Patrick: [still mad] There's that stupid noise again!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.
  • [Patrick and SpongeBob see Junior teetering on the edge of the window of SpongeBob's house, ready to fly.]
  • Patrick: [calmly] Oh.
  • [All at once, Patrick and SpongeBob are struck with shock by what's really happening.]
  • Both: [eyes bulge in horror, screaming] Junior!
  • [Junior jumps down the window. SpongeBob and Patrick quickly run to catch Junior]
  • Patrick: Here we come, buddy! I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!
  • [They slam on SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob then bounces out of Patrick's stomach]
  • SpongeBob: [Frantic] Did you catch him?!
  • Patrick: [looking sadly at his empty hands] No.
  • Both: We're bad parents! [They break down sobbing. Then they stop when they notice that chirping Junior is flying above them.]
  • SpongeBob: Junior? He's flying!
  • Patrick: I guess he's all grown up. [Junior kisses SpongeBob then flies off] Hey, what about Daddy? [Junior drops a coconut on Patrick's head for his laziness then kisses him] That's my boy.
  • SpongeBob: Goodbye!
  • Patrick: [the coconut falls down] Goodbye, Junior!
  • [they watch Junior fly away]
  • SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.
  • Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.
  • SpongeBob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.
  • Patrick: Yeah... [looks at SpongeBob] Let's have another.
  • [SpongeBob looks surprised. Episode ends.]
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