Potato Puff/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Potato Puff" from season 13, which aired on April 22, 2022.

[The episode begins with a baby walking around a crib in a nursery, being filmed by Incidentals 6 and 47, who cheer it on. SpongeBob crashes the boat through a wall in the nursery. The boat goes around in a circle around the crib.]
SpongeBob: I can't see! I can't see! [Incidentals 6 and 47 both scream as the boat is about to drive into them]
Baby: [spits out pacifier] Mama! Papa! No!
[The baby grows muscular legs as it takes its parents with it as it leaps through the roof of the building, and takes them with it, running. SpongeBob drives the boat out of the building and drives into the distance, toppling down a building. It cuts to the Dynamite Factory, where the mayor is about to cut the red ribbon to the entrance. A large growd has gathered around it.]
Ms. Mayor: Bikini Bottom's long-awaited Dynamite Factory is now open!
Mrs. Puff: [off-screen] Look out!
Ms. Mayor: Huh?
[The boat drives into the ribbon, flinging it into the air.]
SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff: Whoa! [the boat stops mid-air] Phew. [scream as the boat falls down]
SpongeBob: Hey, Mrs. Puff, I can see your house from up here. [the boat crashes into Mrs. Puff's house. Mrs. Puff inflates and floats to her bed]
Mrs. Puff: [sighs] Look at that, you saved me a commute. Just let yourself out.
SpongeBob: Well, if you're sure. [his face pops out, and his bike appears] [riding the bike out of the house] See you tomorrow, Mrs. Puff! La-la-la-la-la! [door shuts, and a picture frame falls off]
Mrs. Puff: Maybe he really is unteachable. [deflates] I give up. No, Puff, not yet. You're a driving instructor! Instructing that boy is your duty. You just need a little guidance. [grabs the phone]
[On top of a cliff, a guru is meditating. His phone rings, and picks it up.]
Guru: The universe greets you. Allow me to guide your celestial vessel.
Mrs. Puff: [yelling] SpongeBob... driving... [inflates] me... [shouting] crazy!
Guru: [gets pushed off the cliff, but hangs onto the edge] Oh, Mrs. Puff. Perhaps it would help if you find a way to be with SpongeBob without being with SpongeBob, hmm? Okay, feel free to annoy me for money again soon. Goodbye. [throws his phone into the distance, and it explodes] Ah, less stress.
[Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff's Boating School, where Mrs. Puff walks to.]
Mrs. Puff: Being with SpongeBob without being with SpongeBob. But how? [inflates and deflates, calming herself. She then hears music] Huh? Where is that music coming from? [she looks above to see a submarine] A submarine? [looking at camera] That gives me an idea.
[Mrs. Puff hops behind a rock and comes out with a ski mask. She uses a grappling hook to bring herself to one of the submarine's windows. She sees the French Narrator peeling potatoes.]
French Narrator: [singing while peeling] La da dee, la da doo, la da dum...
Mrs. Puff: I knew it! Where there are sailors, there are always potatoes.
[The French Narrator changes the radio to stealth music.]
[Mrs. Puff looks left and right, then pulls out a cutter that says "Lil' Sharpy Glass Cutter." She uses it to cut a circular hole in the glass and jumps through it. Hanging on via a grappling hook, she grabs a potato and makes her way out of the submarine. This causes water to spew out, confusing the French Narrator.]
French Narrator: Huh? Qu'est-ce que c'est?
[Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff with a potato seatbelt fastened in her boat. She puts lipstick on the potato and puts her hair and hat on top of it.]
Mrs. Puff: There. That should do it.
SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la!
Mrs. Puff: [notices SpongeBob] Huh? Gah! [runs into the lighthouse and shuts the door]
SpongeBob: [hops into the driver's seat] Oh, Mrs. Puff! It's been so [hugs the potato] long! Did you miss me?
Mrs. Puff: [via pager] Oh, yes, SpongeBob. I missed you so much. It's so good [cut to her at the lighthouse holding the pager] to see you. From here.
SpongeBob: Ooh, did you get a new hat? It really brings out all your eyes. [cut to a closeup of the potato eyes. SpongeBob laughs. The camera pans back to the lighthouse]
Mrs. Puff: Alright, time to focus on the road, my excellent little noodle.
SpongeBob: Ooh, [saluting] I must live up to your noodle-pectations! [backs up the boat and drives away. He passes the start line] How was that?
Mrs. Puff: That was very good.
[SpongeBob approaches a roundabout and circles around the rock in a clockwise direction.]
Mrs. Puff: [from pager] Okay, take a right here. [SpongeBob continues to drive in circles] Now, keep going right.
SpongeBob: [elbow bumps the potato twice] Feels right to me! [laughs]
Mrs. Puff: [at her house wearing a wig] Ah, yes it does. [going to her chair with popcorn] Now I can catch up with my stories. [turns on the TV]
Sardina Sardiña: Oh, Dwayne. The only thing I've ever loved... [bell rings to reveal a wrestling ring as she lifts Dwayne up] is a skull-cracking smackdown! [slams Dwayne to the floor, and jumps on him]
Mrs. Puff: [pumped up] That's right!
SpongeBob: [on pager] Keep going right? [cut back to him still going right] All right.
Mrs. Puff: [on pager] Um, yeah. Sure, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Boy, I really feel like I'm getting the hang of this turning-right thing. Hey, this is the longest I've ever driven without crashing.
Mrs. Puff: [cuts back to her reaching for more popcorn, but realizing she's out] Huh? Oh. There's none left.
[Cutting back to SpongeBob, the word "left" echoes in his mind as he looks around.]
SpongeBob: Left? But I'm still working on right. [looking at the traffic ahead] Do you really think I'm ready?
Mrs. Puff: [cuts back to her headbanging the TV] Yeah!
SpongeBob: [cuts back to him] Oh, okay, if you think so.
[SpongeBob turns the steering wheel left, and the boat breaks through the barbed fence, and breaking both the signs. He gets onto the road, and the potato's wig falls off.]
SpongeBob: Oh! [chuckles as he puts the potato's wig back on] Sorry about that. [screams as he runs into a biker]
Biker: Huh, some people will do anything to use the carpool lane. [goes up an elevated road] Huh? Uh oh. [breaks through a barrier at the end of the road, and gets launched into the air, crashing into the ground and causing an explosion]
[A popcorn bag pops in Mrs. Puff's microwave, which beeps. She pours the popcorn into a bowl, reclines her chair, and goes back to watching TV. She starts eating her popcorn, and has a realization.]
Mrs. Puff: Oh, uh, [taking into pager] SpongeBob? Your driving is immaculate. Just keep turning right.
SpongeBob: [on pager] Oh, I'm great at that.
[Children are playing on a playground at the park, when SpongeBob drives through, catching the boat on the swing. The children all run away, screaming. SpongeBob is released from the swing and spins in the roundabout. Then, he ramps up the slide and lands behind Bikini Bottom Jail.]
Mrs. Puff: [on pager] Keep that righty nice and tight-y.
SpongeBob: Tightening my rightening. [turns right, breaking into the jail, causing an alarm to go off]
[Some prisoners hang onto SpongeBob's boat as he drives out, and SpongeBob laughs. Several jail wardens and prisoners come out of each hole. The prisoner cheers as SpongeBob keeps driving.]
Mrs. Puff: [eating popcorn] This is the most fulfilling day I've ever had as a teacher. Mmm. [chokes on popcorn]
[SpongeBob stops driving at a red light. He hears Mrs. Puff choking]
SpongeBob: Uh oh. Swallowed a bug, huh? [pats the potato]
Pager: [changing to a different channel] Attention all units, major traffic violations in progress. [SpongeBob gasps] Please pursue as fast as possible.
[A kid on a bicycle slaps the stop sign as he drives past it.]
SpongeBob: [gasps, and puts on a determined face as he puts on a student driver siren on the boat] This must be an advanced lesson. [accelerates, pursuing the child]
Child: Huh? [pedals past a saloon, where several bikers are]
Biker: [in a full body cast] Hey, [pointing] that's him, the jerk with the spud! [accelerates his wheelchair as the others follow] Let's get him, boys!
Child: [scared] Ooh! [siren wails as SpongeBob chases him, who is being chased by the bikers]
[The child pedals his way down a road, and SpongeBob soon follows, swerving past a pedestrian and two others. The bikers follow. Rube is then seen as a tour guide at the Dynamite Factory. The baby (along with its two parents) are observing.]
Rube: This historic dynamite factory has been open for one entire day with no accidents. Isn't that amazing?
Mother: [notices the siren wailing] Huh?
[The three parties are all on the road, and SpongeBob hits a hole in the road.]
Pager: Breaker, breaker, Cabin Boy. Hard to port.
SpongeBob: Oh, a 10-4, Mrs. Puff! [turns left, while the others do not]
[The bikers head towards the Dynamite Factory, and scream, along with the tourists and Rube. The baby spits out its pacifier.]
Baby: I'm gettin' too old for this. [carries the tourists and Rube and runs away]
[Off-screen, the bikers crash into the dynamite factory, causing a massive explosion behind SpongeBob, who puts on a pair of sunglasses. Cut back to Mrs. Puff watching TV, when it is interrupted by a news flash.]
Reporter: We interrupt Headlocks and Heartbreaks with an emergency news bulletin. [Mrs. Puff looks at the TV, the popcorn bowl popping off her head] [footage of SpongeBob driving from earlier is shown] High-speed sponge terrorizes Bikini Bottom with potato prisoner, last seen pursued by band of bandit bikers along Kraken Avenue. Who knows where he may strike next? [SpongeBob drives into the camera, and the TV goes to static]
Mrs. Puff: [gasps, and looks out her window to see the town on fire, exploding]
Fred: My leg! [a helicopter then explodes]
Mrs. Puff: [using pager] Uh, SpongeBob? Gah! [panicking] Hello? Hello? Oh, Neptune. [takes off her wig] Enough of this leisure wig. Time for [puts on a lime green mohawk] the pursuit wig! [rips off her clothes to reveal a wrestling outfit, and pulls a lever]
[The lighthouse turns into a cannon and shoots Mrs. Puff into downtown Bikini Bottom. Cut to a first-person perspective of a biker, where SpongeBob is still driving. Mrs. Puff lands on top of the bike.]
Mrs. Puff: I'm a driving instructor, and I'm commandeering this vehicle!
Biker: I can dig it, mohawk mama. [gets crushed by Mrs. Puff as she accelerates on the bike]
[Mrs. Puff stops in front of SpongeBob, who is oblivious.]
Mrs. Puff: [screams then uses pager] Turn around!
SpongeBob: Ooh, whatever you say! [turns the boat around, and just barely misses Mrs. Puff as he starts driving in the other direction, laughing]
Mrs. Puff: [wiping off sweat] Phew. [notices that SpongeBob is running directly into the bikers] Oh, dear.
[A crash occurs, and the potato flies into the air, its accessories falling off. It gets peeled by a wheel, cooked by the flames, sliced into pieces by tire spokes, and turns into mashed potatoes when it hits a building. It slides down and lands on the ground. A gravy truck falls down, and gravy spews out, covering the mashed potatoes in gravy. Mrs. Puff's wig and hat land on top of it.]
SpongeBob: [face planted from the crash, gets up, and sees the mashed potatoes, gasps and screams] Mrs. Puff! You've been mashed! [cries, and uses his eyes as tissues to blow his nose then puts his eyes back in, which turn into geysers of tears]
Mrs. Puff: [returns, taking back her hat and wig] Ahem.
SpongeBob: Huh? [hugs Mrs. Puff] She's alive! Oh, you sure are resilient, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: From now on, SpongeBob, I'll uphold my duty as your driving instructor [hugging SpongeBob] to keep you safe on the road.
[The bikers from earlier, now all injured, approach them, growling. A tooth breaks off of the main biker's mouth.]
Biker: [gasps] Wait a minute! You're Puff the Tuff! Will you sign my cast?
Another biker: Aww.
Other biker: I love you!
Squid biker: What a legend!
Mrs. Puff: [blushing] Oh, hi, boys.
[Several cop cars surround them all, sirens wailing.]
Biker: [panicked] Looks like you got things under control her. Let's scram! [the bikers all run away]
Mrs. Puff: [hands held out] [sighs] I know the drill. [a police officer puts handcuffs on her]
[Bubble transition to Mrs. Puff in her jail cell in a prisoner outfit, peeling potatoes. The potato from earlier is seen next to her, also in a prisoner outfit and with a bandage.]
Mrs. Puff: So, what are you in for? [sighs]