Patrickle Jokes/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Patrickle Jokes" from season 3, which aired on December 10, 2024.

[Fade in to Patrick at his desk, giggling.]
Patrick: [stifled laughter, laughter] Sorry about that, folks. I'm just excited because I'm gonna pull the [raises eyebrows] funniest prank in the world on our next guest... [raises it] a whoopie cushion.
[Patrick slides up to the guest seat and places the whoopie cushion between the cushions.]
Patrick: [to camera] Shhh...
[Squidward walks up on-stage.]
Squidina: [off-screen] Welcome, Squidward Tentacles!
Crowd: [scattered applause and booing]
Cecil: [off-screen] Paperboy!
Squidward: Hmph.
Patrick: [stifled laughter] Say, Squidward, why don't you take a seat? [giggles]
Squidward: Anything to get this over with.
Patrick: [giggles, gasps and knocks cup off desk as Squidward sits down]
[Squidward is about to sit on the whoopie cushion.]
Patrick: [whimpering gasps, sputtering]
Squidward: So... [sits down]
Whoopie cushion: Mama.
Squidward: I'm a bit of a Renaissance man, and--
Patrick: You sat down wrong! [points down] Do it again!
Squidward: How can I sit wrong? [gets picked up by Patrick] Hey!
Patrick: Sit right! [slams him down, whoopie cushion makes a chicken noise] Sit right! [slams him, cushion makes a slide whistle noise] Sit right! [slams him, cushion makes a sheep noise; starts yelling and hitting him against the chair repeatedly] My perfect prank is ruined! [prepares to throw Squidward]
Squidward: Huh?
Patrick: [throws Squidward through the roof]
Squidward: [screaming]
Patrick: [sits down, sulking]
Squidina: What's the matter, Patrick?
Patrick: My stupid whoopie cushion is deflective! Do you know the hoops I had to jump through to get that thing?
French Narrator: [narrating time card] 15 minutes ago...
[Cut to the Palace of Pranks. Patrick buys the whoopie cushion.]
Frank: That'll be 25¢.
Patrick: [flips a quarter from his pocket] Keep the change, my good man. [walks away and sees a suspended hula hoop] Oh, a hoop. [steps through it]
[Fade back to the present day. Squidina picks up the whoopie cushion.]
Squidina: Who made this thing, anyway? [sees the logo] Comedy K Novelties? We should do an undercover piece [shakes whoopie cushion] and show everyone that Comedy K are a bunch of crooks.
[Patrick puts a stamp onto a file, which shows "P.S.I. Patrick Show Investigations."]
Narrator: P.S.I.: Patrick Show Investigations!
[Patrick is seen in front of the factory.]
Patrick: We're here [picks up factory] outside the Comedy K Novelty factory to [looks in the door] expose a story of corruption, receipt, and lies.
Squidina: [stops recording] Aaand cut. Great job, Patrick. These crooks would never let us in with a camera, but [puts a doll shaped like her over the camera] they'll never suspect a little girl and her dolly. So are you ready to expose the truth?
Patrick: Yeah.
[Screen wipe to Patrick and Squidina walking into the factory.]
Patrick: You know, for a corrupt multinational company, they sure do just let anybody walk right in. [walks into a guard's palm] Oof. [face splats on his hand]
Guard: Stop right there. Where do you think you're going?
Patrick's face: Inside a corrupt company. Why?
Guard: [peels his face off] Youse best not be a journalist looking to exposé [puts Patrick's face back on] any secrets or nothing.
Patrick: Uh, no.
Squidina: [extends camera lens] Definitely not.
Guard: Good. But you've still gotta [grabs Patrick's head] go through security. [drops him]
Patrick: [falls] Oof. [looks up and sees a giant pair of X-ray specs] X-ray specs? [laughs, points] Do those things even do anything?
[The guard pulls a lever that turns on the X-ray specs, reducing Patrick to a skeleton.]
Patrick: [skin burns off, screams]
Squidina: [looks nervously at Patrick's skeleton, walks up to the guard acting cute] Excuse me, Mr. Secuwity Guawd. [holds up doll] Do me and my innocent widdle dowwy have to go through secuwity, too?
Guard: [genuinely, pats her head] Oh, of course not, sweetie. Go right on through.
[Patrick and Squidina open the doors to a production room.]
Patrick and Squidina: [look up] Whoa!
[A production line full of boxes and some practical jokes is seen.]
Squidina: [off-screen] This place is novelty nirvana.
Tour guide: [passing through, guiding a group of anchovies] OK, folks, the 2:00 tour is right this way. Follow me for an in-depth look at everything going on in this factory.
Anchovies: Meep, meep, meep.
Patrick and Squidina: [walk in line behind the anchovies]
Tour guide: So folks, remember, no cameras, no touching, and never leave the tour group. [threateningly, deep voice] Or else! [back to normal, chuckles] All righty. Let's have some fun. [walks up to a production line of stress dolls] This is Todd. He's our stress doll tester. Say hi, Todd.
Todd: [waves, revealing a muscular arm] Hiya, folks.
Tour guide: [off-screen] So Todd is just gonna to give this little fella a squeeze.
Todd: [picks up doll, squeezes it hard and grunts, drops it]
Tour guide: [off-screen] And it's on to the next one.
Todd: [squeezes another one even harder, grunts]
Tour guide: Tell us, Todd. How do you like working here at Comedy K?
Todd: [gives thumbs up] It's a great job, and I'm [winks] treated ethically.
Tour guide: You heard the man, folks. Completely normal business practices. [chuckles]
[Squidina sets down her camera. Patrick and Squidina look bored. Wipe transition to the tour guide walking down another production line.]
Tour guide: Golly, have you ever wondered where fake vomit comes from? [gestures to a robot face] Well, meet our friend, the Vom-O-Tron 1000. [puts a clothespin on his nose and presses a red button] Simply nauseate the little guy [two hands appear, one lifting a platter and the other removing a lid to show a moldy sandwich] with a moldy egg sandwich, and...
Vom-O-Tron 1000: [smells it, bowtie flips, robotically spits out vomit]
Tour guide: Cleanup on aisle three. [chuckling] Am I right?
Anchovies: Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep. [one takes a picture]
Tour guide: [laughs, threateningly] Hey, I said no cameras allowed! Security!
[Another guard grabs the anchovy who took the pictures and lifts him away.]
Anchovies: Meep, meep, meep, meep.
Tour guide: OK, folks, let's keep it moving. [walks away with the anchovies following]
Squidina: This tour is what they want us to see, but where are they hiding the dirt?
Patrick: [points] Maybe behind that door!
[A reinforced door is shown, with boxes of fake mustache and eyebrow glasses next to it.]
Squidina: Time for some real journalism.
Patrick: Cold, hard truth, here we come! [runs away]
Squidina: Patrick, stop!
Patrick: [pauses right before the door] OK!
Squidina: We can't just go barging into restricted areas. [thinking] We need to disguise ourselves.
[Patrick looks into the door, wearing the mustache glasses.]
Patrick: The coast is clear.
[Squidina opens the door; she and her doll also have the glasses.]
Squidina: There should be something juicy back here. Hey, look. [she and Patrick walk up to a shelf of chewing gum] It's their entire novelty chewing gum line.
Patrick: Talk about juicy!
[They both grab some gum and walk down the hall until they see something through a window.]
Bubble Bass: [munching]
Patrick: Wait. Is that Bubble Bass?
[Bubble Bass is sitting on a sofa, eating a bunch of bean burritos.]
Patrick: What's he doing here eating all those burritos?
Bubble Bass: [munching, finishes and holds thumb up] These bean burritos are [gives thumbs down] terrible. Nevertheless, I want [bangs fists on table] more. [buzzer blares, more burritos fall from a tube, he eats them all] And now to earn my paycheck. [farts into the couch]
[The fart travels through a tube and inflates a bunch of whoopie cushions.]
Whoopie cushion worker: OK, boys. Another batch of pre-inflated whoopie cushions with lethal death stench are ready to be boxed.
Bubble Bass: [sighs] Life's a gas.
Patrick: They're putting real farts in whoopie cushions? That's against the law!
Squidina: Good thing I got it all on tape. Now, come on. [she and Patrick open another door] Dad? [Cecil walks up to an aiming site] What's he doing here... in his underwear?
Patrick: Looking sharp, I'd say.
[Squidina squints at Patrick judgmentally. A male and female scientist are wearing safety goggles, the former holding a clipboard and the latter holding a remote.]
Female scientist: OK, subject number one. We're gonna test out some electric shock underwear, OK?
Cecil: Oh! [gives thumbs up] You may fire when ready.
[The female scientist presses the button. Cecil gets shocked.]
Cecil: [shouts] They work, they work, they work!
[Lightning flashes on Patrick and Squidina. Squidina covers her doll's eyes. Cecil gets electrocuted and falls over.]
Female scientist: [throws remote away, puts hand on clipboard] Well, that was successful. [takes clipboard and flips through it] What else we got here? Ooh, let's test out [gives clipboard back to male scientist, startling him] the Pie-O-Matic. [dashes off]
[The female scientist wheels a cannon full of pies towards Cecil. She turns a valve to aim the cannon at him, then pulls a lever and presses a button. Cecil gets hit by a bunch of pies.]
Cecil: [groaning, yelping]
[Patrick and Squidina get angry.]
Patrick: I've seen enough!
[They run down to Cecil, shouting. Patrick shoves him out of the way.]
Patrick: They're wasting pies!
Cecil: [falls over, covered in pies, groans]
Patrick: [puts his mouth in front of the cannon and eats the pies]
Squidina: [runs up to the scientists]
Female scientist: [takes clipboard] What's going on here? [flips a page] They're not part of the test. [drops it and points] Let's get 'em. [they run at Squidina]
Squidina: [takes out gum] Guess it's time for some Explodo-Gum. [chews it]
Scientists: [running, shouting]
[Squidina blows a bubble. The scientists run into it and the bubble explodes, sending them flying out the wall of the company. Squidina chews the gum again. Patrick keeps eating the pies, but they run out.]
Patrick: Hmm? Aw, man.
Cecil: [groaning, sees Patrick and Squidina] Hey, this was my job.
Squidina: Not anymore. We're getting you out of here, Dad.
Cecil: Dad? [squints] Who do you think you are?
[Patrick and Squidina remove their glasses disguises.]
Cecil: Oh! Sorry, kids. I'll go with you. But first, [waves in front of mouth] I've got a major case of Dad breath. [holds up gum with an ice cube on it] Nothing this minty ice gum won't fix. [chews it]
Squidina: Uh, Dad--
[Cecil gets frozen into a block of ice.]
Squidina: [facepalms] Gummit.
Guard: [points to them] You three, freeze. [points to Cecil] Oh, [gives thumbs up] you're good. [yelling at Patrick and Squidina] Now you two, freeze!
[Patrick and Squidina are chased through the halls by the guard.]
Patrick: There's only one way [takes out gum with an oil slick on it] out of this jam... oil slick gum. [chews it and spits it on the floor]
Guard: [slips on the oil] Whoa! [falls over]
Patrick: [laughs] Got him.
[Patrick and Squidina yelp, skid to a halt, and are stopped at the doors by the tour guide.]
Tour guide: Oh, just in time for the final part of our tour.
Patrick: Uh--
Squidina: We're actually on our way out. [chuckles]
Tour guide: Oh, no, you're not. I've got something special to show you.
[Patrick and Squidina are tied up in rope on a conveyor belt. A giant propeller beanie is seen.]
Tour guide: Behold, the world's biggest propeller beanie. [activates it with a remote, beanie whirring] Pretty neat, huh?
Patrick: It is pretty neat.
[The beanie rotates so the blades face the end of the conveyor belt.]
Tour guide: And now, a closer look. [turns on the belt with the remote, laughs evilly]
Patrick: This breeze feels good.
Squidina: Run!
[Patrick and Squidina yell and pant as they run. Patrick runs towards the blades as Squidina runs away.]
Squidina: No, the other way! [Patrick runs with her]
Tour guide: When you go sneaking around Comedy K Novelties, the joke's on you. [laughs evilly]
Cecil: [flies up wearing a beanie and holding a giant pen] Did somebody say joke?
Tour guide: What the?
Patrick and Squidina: [happy] Dad!
Cecil: Now, what do you say we test out some disappearing ink? [loads pen and aims it]
Tour guide: Nooo!
[Cecil shoots a glob of disappearing ink at the tour guide, who vanishes.]
Cecil: [laughs]
Patrick and Squidina: Dad, hurry!
Cecil: Oh, right. Sorry. [presses button and shocks himself] Oops. Wrong button. [presses one to stop the conveyor]
Patrick and Squidina: Phew.
Cecil: Let's get out of here. [moves the propeller to smash the walls of the factory, then flies Patrick and Squidina out]
Squidina: [shakes her doll to get the camera out, throws doll away and picks up camera] This videotape is gonna blow the lid off this place. [presses camera and rubber snakes pop out] Aah!
Patrick: [laughs] Gotcha!
Squidina: Are you kidding me, Patrick? With no videotape, we'll never be able to take this company down!
Patrick: That's what you think! [runs up to an inflatable cap on the back of the factory and flips it, making the factory deflate
Squidina: [wearing her glasses disguise, holding a pickle] Now, that's what I call... Komedy with a K.
[A horn honks as Squidina raises her eyebrows. The episode irises out on Squidina's face.]