This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Patrick the Mailman" from season 13, which aired on May 20, 2022.
- [The episode begins with the mailman walking down the street whistling, delivering mail to Patrick's house. The mailman puts his left hand in his mailbag and takes out a huge package that resembles a rock. He is struggling to hold the giant package and sweats as he's doing so.]
- Mailman: Special delivery!
- [Patrick opens up his rock house and is seen attached to the bottom of it.]
- Patrick: Ooh! My new rock is finally here!
- [Patrick slides down from his rock and runs over to open it. Patrick rips off the wrapping paper whole and the package is revealed to be a pink rock with green polka dots on it with a bronze arrow-shaped weather vane on top.]
- Patrick: [putting his hands on his hips while looking suspicious] Hold on.
- [Patrick jumps up onto the rock and puts his glasses on]
- Patrick: Polka dots?! I ordered plaid!
- [Patrick takes his glasses off and throws them away.]
- Patrick: You'll have to take it back, Mr. Mailman.
- Mailman: [still struggling to hold up the rock] Back?
- [The rock crushes the mailman and letters come flying out. Patrick lifts up the rock and the mailman is flattened into the ground with black eyes.]
- Patrick: Mr. Mailman?
- Mailman: My back!
- [Patrick picks up the mailman and puts his hat to his mouth and blows into it like a balloon. The mailman is back to normal and Patrick puts him back down feet first on the ground.]
- [The mailman is groaning in pain.]
- Patrick: [while adjusting the mailman's hat] You okay, buddy?
- Mailman: Gotta... deliver... mail.
- Patrick: You are in no shape to deliver anything, fella. Just relax and [throws the mailman to Patrick's rock] crash at my place. I'll deliver your mail for you today. [his rock closes. Patrick walks off just to run back] Oops! [opens his rock] Almost forgot my mailbag. [grabs it from the mailman and walks off, as his rock automatically closes again. He runs back and opens the rock again] Oops! [grabs a hat from the mailman] Almost forgot my mailman hat! [his rock automatically closes yet again. Patrick hums] All righty. [searches for mail in the bag] Let's see where my first [takes out an envelope] delivery is! [struggles to read the envelope and shoves it onto his eyes] D'oh, I can't read this! [the camera pans to SpongeBob's house. Patrick bangs his head on the door four times and becomes dizzy]
- SpongeBob: [opens his door] Hey, Patrick. I thought that sounded like your head.
- Patrick: SpongeBob! Do you know where this [struggling to read SpongeBob's name on the envelope] Spon-gee-Boob Squir-pa-Nants lives?
- SpongeBob: Never heard of him.
- Patrick: [crumbles the envelope] Oh, well. [throws the crumbled envelope] Return to sender.
- SpongeBob: Hey, what's with the new [flicks Patrick's hat] threads?
- Patrick: I'm... [he is shown to be more muscular] a mailman now! [giggles]
- SpongeBob: Wow! I've always wanted to be a mailman. It's like getting to be [Jingle bell sounds are heard.] Santa every day! Except Sundays.
- Patrick: Sorry, SpongeBob, but I'm the mailman now.
- SpongeBob: [disappointed] Oh, okay.
- Patrick: [holding a small package with a tied string.] But you can be my [pulls the string to reveal another mailman hat] postal pal!
- SpongeBob: [confetti comes out of his ears] Whee! [grabs the hat and puts it on] Oh, ah!
- Patrick: [his face is shown in front of a real starfish] Let's [the camera zooms out to him and SpongeBob, who is wearing sunglasses] get mailing. [puts on sunglasses]
- [They walk to Squidward's house.]
- Patrick: Postal pal, you may ring the doorbell. [gestures to Squidward's doorbell]
- SpongeBob: [gasps excitedly and runs to the doorbell] Yes sir, Mr. Mailman, sir! Ooh, I better warm up the ol' bell ringer. [moves his finger up and down twice] Up, down, up, down. [twists his finger right] Twist right, [twists his finger left] twist left. And... [puts nail polish on his finger] polish the nail.
- [SpongeBob inhales and blows to his finger. He finally rings the doorbell, and Squidward opens the door.]
- Patrick: [shouting] Mail! [SpongeBob crouches and Patrick offers a package to Squidward above SpongeBob's head.]
- Squidward: They let a moron like you deliver the mail?
- Patrick: Oh, you'd be surprised what they let morons do.
- Squidward: [gasps, then takes the package] It's here! It's here! [laughs as he opens the package]
- Patrick: What's wrong with Squidward's face?
- [Squidward's face is shown as creepily happy. Hyena laughing sounds are heard.]
- SpongeBob: [while Squidward is still opening the package] I think he's... smiling.
- Squidward: I finally got it! [holds it up] My turbo clarinet! [pulls the motor's recoil start twice and blows into it]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa! [they are sent flying away until they hit a flower cloud and fall down]
- Squidward: Worth every penny.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick crash onto the road to Kevin's house.]
- Patrick: Oh, good, our next stop.
- SpongeBob: [looking for an envelope until he pulls one out] A summons for jury duty! Lucky. [hands the envelope to Patrick]
- Patrick: Special delivery! [delivers the envelope into the door mail slot]
- SpongeBob: Great job, Mr. Mailman. [the envelope retracts to Patrick's butt] Oops. [runs to the door and grabs the envelope off of Patrick's butt and delivers the envelope to the mail slot, but it retracts into one of his pores. He holds out his tongue, revealing the envelope on it] Must be a defective mail slot. [uses his tongue as a hand to deliver the envelope into the mail slot] That oughta do it. [the envelope retracts and slices SpongeBob and stops on Patrick's belly. SpongeBob's body slides off and he puts it back on him] Maybe I'll just try the doorbell. [he swirls his finger and rings the doorbell]
- Kevin: [opens the door, unamused] Can I help you?
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Special delivery!
- Kevin: I don't want it! [slams the door]
- SpongeBob: [he and Patrick look at each other] Maybe we should just move on to the next house.
- Patrick: Pfft, no. I am a mailman. Like the postal oath says, neither bunions or onions, nor ditches or dangers, will stop me from giving stuff to strangers! [SpongeBob applauds]
- [Bubble transition to the next scene with SpongeBob delivering a package to Kevin's front porch. SpongeBob rings the doorbell from a distance. Kevin opens the door.]
- Kevin: [notices the package] Ah!
- Patrick: [comes out of the package with an envelope] Special delivery! [Kevin growls in anger]
- Kevin: Special un-delivery! [presses a button on a remote, triggering the springboard, which launches Patrick away]
- Patrick: [comes out of the box injured] Being a mailman isn't like being Santa Claus at all.
- [SpongeBob gets an idea with a red Christmas lightbulb over his head. Snowflake transition to SpongeBob as a reindeer climbing towards the roof with his sleigh carrying Patrick as Santa Claus.]
- Patrick: Ho ho ho! [leaps on SpongeBob and down the chimney]
- [The scene cuts to Kevin drinking juice and reading as the camera pans to Patrick falling to the fireplace and soot covers the screen until it clears. Kevin now has a soot beard.]
- Patrick: Hey, we're beard bros. [Kevin growls and shakes the soot beard off of him] Oh, uh, [pulls out the envelope] merry Fishmas!
- Kevin: It's July!
- Patrick: [hands him the envelope] Just take the letter!
- Kevin: I don't [smacks it away] want it! [starts to run]
- Patrick: Neither bunions or onions! [chases Kevin as his Santa costume comes off]
- [Kevin runs and slides under his table and Patrick slides in mid-air and notices pie on the table. He stops and eats a slice.]
- Patrick: [while him and the envelope are still in mid-air] Ah. [grabs the envelope and screams. Kevin is seen trying to escape through his window] Take [grabs Kevin and slams him into the ground] your mail! [elbow smashes Kevin which causes them to get into a dust brawl cloud fight as they enter another room] I'll zip your code so hard!
- Kevin: [escapes the dust cloud brawl fight and grabs a jellyfishing net] En garde!
- Patrick: [grabs a jellyfish net as well] En lard!
- [They both charge at each other while screaming and starting sword-fighting each other with the nets.]
- Patrick: I'm gonna stamp you! I'll send you butt express! [hits Kevin with his butt as he files into a knight outfit]
- [Patrick tries to hit Kevin with the net, but he jumps and hits Patrick's head. Kevin jumps out of the costume and charges up his run on Patrick and takes off. Patrick's head sticks back up and notices Kevin running away.]
- Patrick: You can't run from your civic duties! [chases after Kevin, bounces on a jellyfish plush, and hangs on a chandelier. It breaks and he lands on Kevin]
- [As dust clears, Patrick is seen holding the jellyfishing net, which has Kevin in it.]
- Patrick: Oh! [puts the envelope on Kevin's mouth] Get it! Slap back, no take backs!
- [Kevin slides down to the ground. SpongeBob and Patrick are then seen walking out of Kevin's house.]
- Patrick: Not bad.
- Kevin: [walks out his door and spits out the envelope and reads the address] This summons is for Bubble Bass, you nincompoops! [rips up the envelope and slams the door in frustration. Bubble Bass is seen hiding beside the door and scatters away. Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick going to the next house. Patrick rings the doorbell but it falls apart]
- Old Man Walker: [inside the house] Coming.
- [Panicking, Patrick tries to fix the doorbell, then passes it to SpongeBob.]
- Old Man Walker: Don't leave.
- [SpongeBob puts the broken parts of the doorbell in Patrick's mouth.]
- Old Man Walker: Almost there.
- [SpongeBob takes out a roll of tape then takes the broken parts out and tape them to the house, then Old Man Walker opens the door.]
- Old Man Walker: Oh boy! I never get visitors!
- SpongeBob: [as Patrick is searching through the bag for mail] Special delivery, for one special old man.
- Patrick: I can't find any mail for him.
- Old Man Walker: [sadly] Oh, I never get any mail.
- SpongeBob: [in tears] That's so sad. let's give him some of the other mail, huh? [takes out an envelope and writes "OLD MAN WALKER" on it with a marker] I found a letter for you, Old Man Walker.
- [As Old Man Walker reads the letter, his eyes tear up, and they count down from three. They shoot out tears and go back to normal. He rips up the envelope.]
- Old Man Walker: I've been drafted! Oh, boy! [the letter is shown to read "FORECLOSED"]
- SpongeBob: Wow, if one letter made him this happy, I bet all of the mail will make him explode with joy. [they give Old Man Walker all of the mail]
- Old Man Walker: Wow, all of this for me? [his head explodes and confetti comes out of it]
- [SpongeBob and Patrick dance and laugh around the confetti. Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick walking downtown. Patrick is chewing on some mail.]
- SpongeBob: What's next, Postman Patrick?
- Patrick: [swallows the mail and shakes the mail bag to see it is empty] Aw, we're all out of mail.
- [A mail truck drives by and stops.]
- Patrick: [pointing] Let's ask that ice cream truck if it knows where to find some mail.
- SpongeBob: That's no ice cream truck. It's a mail truck.
- Patrick: Really? I thought all trucks were girls.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick goofily salute the mail woman as she opens the back of the truck. She glares at them and walks away. SpongeBob and Patrick giggle and jump into the back of the truck and drive away.]
- SpongeBob: [popping out of a mail bag] Wow, we hit the postal jackpot!
- Patrick: [driving, looking behind him] Cool.
- [The mail truck drives by, and the mail woman notices.]
- Mail woman: Huh? Hey! [pointing] Those weirdos stole my truck! [kicks the envelope button on the mailbox, summoning an alarm]
- [Several mail trucks appear, along with a mail helicopter. The mail woman is given a rope ladder and climbs onto it.]
- Mail woman: Follow those postal pilferers!
- Patrick: [driving by, leaving behind lots of mail] A special delivery!
- SpongeBob: Special delivery for Fred! [throws an envelope in Fred's direction, who is about to kiss a woman when it lands in between them]
- Woman: Huh? [reads the envelope and growls] Who's Carol?
- [Fred chuckles as Carol is seen with the couple's drinks on a plate. Cut back to SpongeBob, who is holding a package.]
- SpongeBob: This one's for you, Penny! [throws the package at Penny]
- [Penny, a rollerskating child, gets hit with the package and falls off the bridge screaming. The package rips apart to reveal an orange raft.]
- Penny: Huh? [lands on a current] Oh, great. The raft I ordered has finally arrived. [she screams again once she realizes she is going down a waterfall]
- [SpongeBob and Patrick are still in the mail truck, and several mail trucks catch up to them. The mail helicopter flies above the mail truck as two mail people land on top of the mail truck.]
- Patrick: Huh? [screams] Pirates!
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [see the mail people] Wha-? [the mail people growl at them]
- Patrick: Why are these pirates dressed like mail people?
- SpongeBob: They want to [points] steal our mail!
- Patrick: Repel the boarders!
- SpongeBob: [salutes] Repelling boarders, sir! [throws a package at the mailman, sending him flying off]
- Mail woman: Harold! [a package is thrown at her as well, also sending her flying] Whee!
- [SpongeBob observes the mail trucks behind them.]
- SpongeBob: [pulling a level] I'm shipping these COD: [the mail truck raises its back end and litters all of the mail onto the road] Crash on delivery.
- [The two mail trucks slip and crash into each other. The mail helicopter swoops in, frightening SpongeBob.]
- SpongeBob: [noticing the mail bag next to him] And here comes some air mail. [puts all of the mail from the bag into bis mouth and turns into a cannon]
- [SpongeBob shoots the mail onto the windshield of the helicopter, making the mail driver scream. The helicopter tilts to the side.]
- Kevin: [picks up an envelope and reads it] Huh? Another jury summons for Bubble Bass. [crumples up the letter and throws it into a barrel]
- [The helicopter comes by and slices the barrel in half, revealing Bubble Bass huddled inside. He runs away. Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are still being chased by mail trucks.]
- Patrick: Special delivery!
- SpongeBob: [about to throw more mail, but notices something] Oh, all we have left is junk mail!
- Patrick: [off-screen] Don't worry. They'll never find us in this post office.
- [Their mail truck enters the post office, and the envelope door closes. The mail trucks stop. Envelope transition to the mailman on crutches, trudging his way to the entrance to the Bikini Bottom Jail. He rings the doorbell and a foghorn sounds. The door opens to reveal a jail warden.]
- Mailman: Here's today's [holds out a giant envelope with SpongeBob and Patrick inside] mail, warden.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Special delivery. [both giggle as the episode ends]