This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Patrick SmartPants" from season 4, which aired on October 21, 2005.
- [The episode opens with SpongeBob and Patrick running through Jellyfish Fields laughing and trying to capture jellyfish.]
- Patrick: [pokes SpongeBob] You're it! [both laugh]
- SpongeBob: [pokes Patrick] You're it! [both laugh. Patrick runs off] Wait, Pat, you're it! [notices a sign a few yards away and yelps. Patrick laughs, not paying attention] The sign!
- Patrick: Huh? [tries to read it as he is running] Duuhh... aaann... ger... [crashes through the sign and falls off the cliff] cliff!
- SpongeBob: Patrick! [runs down the cliff to Patrick] Let me help you out of there, buddy! [grabs a starfish shaped head out of the ground. When he notices it's just a head, he screams] Is the rest of you down there?
- Patrick: [walks up to SpongeBob with no head attached to his body] The rest of me is up here.
- SpongeBob: Whew, you had me worried there, buddy. [laughs] Here's your head. [attaches the head onto Patrick and laughs. Picture of inside Patrick's head shows a plug plugging into an outlet. Gears and cranks start up. Patrick gets a spark or two from his head]
- Patrick: I find all this laughter to be highly illogical.
- SpongeBob: Well, let's stop laughin' and let's start fishin'! [takes out two jellyfish nets. Hands a net to Patrick] Go ahead, you get first crack.
- Patrick: [jellyfish floats by] Look at them. These graceful stoic creatures of the deep.
- SpongeBob: Huh? Those are some big words, Pat. I've never heard you use them before.
- Patrick: Nonsense, my vocabulary is infinitely expanding.
- SpongeBob: Well, let's expand our jellyfish nets! C'mon, Patrick! [captures a jellyfish] Look, buddy, I captured one!
- Patrick: Yes... [shows SpongeBob a notebook with a Leonardo Da Vinci-style jellyfish drawn] I captured one as well without disturbing its delicate ecosystem. It is wrong to harness nature in such a barbaric manner. [frees the jellyfish from SpongeBob's net]
- SpongeBob: Okay...what do you wanna do?
- Patrick: Let us go off and admire the beauty and fragility of nature.
- SpongeBob: Pretty.
- Patrick: Yes, quite.
- SpongeBob: Fragile.
- Patrick: Indeed.
- SpongeBob: [jumps at Patrick three times] C'mon, Patrick, let's do something fun!
- Patrick: Oh, you want to run some statistics or observe phenomenon and render hypothesis of said phenomenon?
- SpongeBob: I was thinking more like jumping rope, [jumps rope with his arms] 1-legged races [one leg goes inside his body and he hops on his remaining leg], or playing duck-duck-hermit crab. [jumps into a hermit-crab shell and blows bubbles]
- Patrick: Doesn't feel like fun.
- SpongeBob: [pops out of the shell] How about some jokes? [Patrick sighs] Patrick, what's the difference between a guitar and a jellyfish?
- Patrick: You can't strum a jellyfish.
- SpongeBob: Yes! [laughs. Patrick grabs a jellyfish and strums its tentacles]
- Patrick: Oh my, look at the time. I really must be going. [walks off]
- SpongeBob: What's wrong with Patrick? I sure hope he gets better soon. [at Patrick's house where Patrick is doing some scientific work] Are you better, Pat? Uhh, whatcha doing?
- Patrick: Just studying this amazing subspecies.
- Plankton: [through a microscope] I'll show you subspecies!
- SpongeBob: Wanna visit Squidward?
- Patrick: Well, since I am finished with my work, I'll [pats SpongeBob] humor you in your trivial pursuits.
- [Bubble transition to Squidward's house where Squidward is playing his clarinet. He hears SpongeBob and Patrick come in.]
- Patrick: I'd recognize that piece anywhere! Cornelius Pufferfish's Opus 67, "Symphony in Blue."
- Squidward: [very confused] Patrick?
- Patrick: It's a beautiful piece. Execution needs some work. [walks over to the piano] May I suggest on the 7th bar of the adagio andante that you add a little fortissimo on the arpeggiated B♭ (B-flat) scale.
- Squidward: Wow! I never thought to do it like that.
- Patrick: Well, that is because you rarely think.
- SpongeBob: How do you know so much about music?
- Patrick: A creative outlet provides a spiritual release and helps facilitate a healthy mental balance. [inhales] Ah.
- SpongeBob: Does that include... [burps] belch-talk-ing?
- Patrick: [waving his hand in front of his face] Mr. SquarePants, I find your humor vulgar.
- Squidward: I had no idea you were so knowledgeable, Patrick! Do you think you can be my musical mentor?
- SpongeBob: Uhh, guys? [notices Patrick teaching Squidward]
- Patrick: Let's take it from the top. [Squidward plays, badly] Not so excellent, Squidward. Let me demonstrate the proper technique. [looks at clarinet with spit covered all over the mouth piece] On second thought, practice makes perfect. Let's begin. [SpongeBob comes up playing his musical nose as a flute] Thank you, my good chap. Unfortunately, this is a solo piece for clarinet only. And 1, 2, 3, 4... [Squidward plays more. SpongeBob frowns and walks out. Patrick covers his ears since Squidward's playing is still terrible] Stop! Enough! [walks out] Find yourself a new mentor!
- SpongeBob: Now that you have some free-time, let's get some grub.
- Patrick: No, SpongeBob, I'm afraid not.
- SpongeBob: Well, I have a brand new bottle of super-bubbly bubble soap! [blows a bubble that pops on Patrick's face]
- Patrick: [wiping his face] No, thanks again.
- SpongeBob: Well, maybe later we can play pirates.
- Patrick: Robert, my dear, it's no use. We've just grown apart.
- SpongeBob: What? What do you mean?
- Patrick: I know we've had fun in the past, but we're just not compatible anymore. It's time we went our separate ways...such is life.
- SpongeBob: [starting to cry] But Patrick, you're my best friend!
- Patrick: I know it's hard, but brace up, chap.
- SpongeBob: Yeah.
- Patrick: Maybe our paths will cross again someday. Think fondly of me, Mr. SquarePants.
- SpongeBob: Goodbye... Mr... Best Friend! [cries]
- [Bubble transition to Sandy's treedome as SpongeBob rings the doorbell.]
- SpongeBob: Sandy, you there? I need some professional help. [Sandy and Patrick are heard laughing inside] Patrick?
- Sandy: Well, Pat, the new you gets an A+.
- Patrick: Why, thank you, Sandra. I find your intellect rather stimulating as well.
- Sandy: Oh, really? Well, thanks. [SpongeBob cries then walks away from the treedome, at a chalkboard, there's an equation on it] Well, Patrick, what do you think about this problem?
- Patrick: [changes formula] You simply change the literal term to a coefficient and the minuend will achieve the desired quotient. Even the simplest of mammals can figure it out with a little thought.
- Sandy: [angrily puts her hands on her hips] What do you mean by that, Patrick?
- Patrick: I'm merely suggesting you lack the ability to solve remedial equations.
- Sandy: Are you suggesting I'm dumb?
- Patrick: I'd use a more sophisticated word like 'impaired'.
- Sandy: I think you'd better leave.
- Patrick: I was only trying to help. [walks off]
- Sandy: I don't need your kind of help, Mr. Know-It-All! I liked you better when you were a barnacle head!
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob sitting in his chair at home, crying.]
- SpongeBob: I never thought I'd lose my best friend. How can I compete with geniusness? Ohhhhhh!
- Patrick: [sitting on his chair at home] Surrounded by knowledge and no one to share it with. No one I can call 'friend'. Who's that old chap I used to run with? [notices a book on the table next to him called 'MY FRIEND SPONGEBOB'] SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: [looks at his 'MY FRIEND PATRICK' book] Well, at least Patrick's my friend in my memories. [SpongeBob looks at several pictures of him and Patrick together, as SpongeBob begins to cry another picture is shown, it's revealed that Patrick is the one who put a tear on the last picture]
- Patrick: Aww, the glory days. Why have we grown apart? I must apply all that I know to solve this problem!
- [Bubble transition to Patrick looking at X-rays of him and SpongeBob's head. He then meditates on top of his rock, studies Squidward, and reads a book. He puts the book down and shows his bloodshot eyes.]
- Patrick: What could it be? [applies a chemical on his head and grows hair] What's different? Ah! [tears out his hair] What?! I'd do anything to have my old buddy back by my side again!
- SpongeBob: [doorbell rings] Coming... [opens door and gets kidnapped in a jellyfish net. Patrick is shown carrying the net over his shoulder with SpongeBob inside. SpongeBob pops out happily] Patrick, you're kidnapping me?
- Patrick: Yes, I am.
- SpongeBob: Yay! [jumps out of the net and writes "Yippie" in the air with bubble soap] What should we do?
- Patrick: We are going to have fun, whatever the cost may be.
- SpongeBob: Let's do this.
- Patrick: Yes, let's have some fun.
- SpongeBob: [jumping around] Oh, yeah!
- Patrick: [jumping around] Oh, absolutely! [now riding on a shell down a mountain] Are you quite sure I found this activity to be fun?
- SpongeBob: Yeah! [screams with enjoyment. Shell lunges them into the sand] That was fun, huh Patrick?
- Patrick: [Swallows a mouth-full of sand] When did the fun go away, SpongeBob?
- SpongeBob: It went away when you jumped off that cliff and knocked your head clean off.
- Patrick: That's it! [runs off]
- SpongeBob: That's what? Patrick, what are you doing?
- Patrick: I'm going to duplicate my actions from that day to ascertain the origin of my cha...an...nge! [falls off the cliff]
- SpongeBob: Patrick! Hold on, buddy! [takes Patrick out of the ground] There ya go. [notices he is headless and screams] Don't worry, Patrick. I found your head last time, I'll find it again! [searches around some coral] Not back there. [checks under a rock] Not under here. What if I can't find it? Oh, poor headless Patrick! [turns around and runs into Patrick, causing his head to pop out] Patrick, your head is back! But, uhh, do you feel different?
- Patrick: Quite unchanged, actually.
- SpongeBob: I guess we'll never have fun together again.
- Patrick: You said you found my dislodged cranial cap last time.
- SpongeBob: Yes.
- Patrick: Where exactly did you find it?
- SpongeBob: Uhh, it was right here.
- Patrick: Hmmm, impossible! If I landed here, the trajectory of my dismembered skull would cause it to come to rest, not there, but here, exactly five meters due north.
- SpongeBob: But if that's your head, then what did I pick up over... [sign says 'Brain Coral Field'] Brain Coral! No wonder you got so smart, buddy. [blows off the Poison Sea Urchins off Patrick's old head] Here you go, Patrick, your old head. Are you sure you want to give up being smart and "phosisticated" to be my friend again?
- Patrick: Knowledge can never replace friendship. I prefer to be an idiot!
- SpongeBob: Not just an idiot, Patrick. You're also my pal. [Patrick takes off his coral head and SpongeBob puts his old one back on] Patrick? Say something, Patrick.
- Patrick: [burps] Hi, SpongeBob.
- SpongeBob: Patrick, you're back!
- Patrick: Patrick, you're back.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick both hug each other, laugh, pull out their jellyfish nets, make oo-loo-loo sounds, and run off with jellyfish nets into the sunset as the episode ends.]