This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Patrick! The Game" from season 9, which aired on November 11, 2015.
- [The episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, who are seen playing a board game between Patrick's rock and Squidward's house.]
- Patrick: I don't get it! What's an audit?
- SpongeBob: I don't know. Let me check the rules. [drops the giant rule book on the ground, opening it] Playing "Certified Public Accountant" isn't as much fun as I thought. [he slides the book away] Maybe it'll be funner if we play louder!
- Patrick: [grabs the dice, shaking it; then starts screaming] I am rolling the dice! [he rolls the dice; still screaming] Now I am moving! [he picks up a piece and puts it in another spot, picking up a card while screaming] "Run... spreadsheets?"
- SpongeBob: What does that even mean?! [screaming] [As SpongeBob is talking, the screen goes over to Squidward, who is sunbathing. Squidward, annoyed by their shouting, turns up the volume on his iPod.]
- Patrick: [screaming] Well, maybe I’m supposed to run around with this sheet we spread on the ground!
- SpongeBob: [screaming] Yeah, that sounds right to me!
- [Patrick flips the sheet and all the pieces to the game fall on Squidward. Squidward gets irritated as Patrick runs around with the sheet while SpongeBob laughs.]
- SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Wanna play "Certified Public Accountant" with us?
- Squidward: Oh, let me think. That sounds so, [yells] no!
- [Patrick keeps running around with the sheet until he trips on the game board.]
- Patrick: I don't think this game is ripe.
- SpongeBob: Yeah, maybe it got picked too soon.
- Squidward: [scoffs] What? Do you think that games grow on trees? [laughs]
- Patrick: Doesn't everything grow on trees?
- Squidward: No, you ninny. Somebody makes them.
- Patrick: Makes them?
- Squidward: Yeah. Somebody thinks up the game, then they make the game.
- Patrick: Then I could make a game?
- Squidward: No, you couldn't. You would be incapable.
- SpongeBob: Well, I think Patrick could make up a game.
- Squidward: Your operative word there is “think.”
- Patrick: Yeah! The opernive... word is think! [laughs] Thanks, Squidward! I'll do it!
- SpongeBob: Go get'em, Patrick!
- Squidward: [sighs as he rubs his head] Double morons.
- [The scene changes to Squidward at the Krusty Krab, then Patrick comes in.]
- Patrick: I invented a game! I invented a game!
- Squidward: [doesn't want to know what the game is.] Whoopee. Do tell.
- Patrick: Well, you know how hard "Tic-Tac-Toe" is and how it always takes so long to play?
- Squidward: Uh-huh.
- Patrick: Yeah! Well, I made it easier and faster!
- Squidward: [sighs] I know I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but what do you got?
- Patrick: It's called... [Patrick holds out a notebook] "Tic-Tac"! You start with two lines that are crossed. And then the first person puts an X. And then the next person puts an, uh... [thinks]
- Squidward: O?
- Patrick: Oh, yeah! An O! And the first person to get two in a row draws a line through them and says, "Tic-Tac"!. [rips off the paper and laughs] You start!
- [Squidward draws an X then Patrick draws an O. Squidward draws another X and draws a line through them.]
- Squidward: Tic-Tac.
- Patrick: Uh... [rips off paper] Best two out of four?
- French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many Tic-Tacs later...
- [Squidward and Patrick had been playing "Tic-Tac" for a while. As they played one more time, Patrick becomes worried as Squidward draws in the notebook.]
- Squidward: Tic and Tac.
- Patrick: I should've gone with my first idea: "Tic."
- [The X's, O's, and the writing of the Galley Grub starts disappearing before the scene changes to Squidward riding his recumbent bicycle. Patrick runs up to him.]
- Patrick: Squidward, I got a new game! It's called "Rock, Paper, Butter"!
- [Patrick holds out a stick of butter melting in his hand.]
- Squidward: Butter invent a different game! [laughs]
- [Squidward rides away as Patrick eats the stick of butter and sulks sadly back home. The scene changes to Squidward watering his garden. Patrick shows up with two ropes. A long one and a short one.]
- Patrick: Squidward, I got it! [throws the ropes on the ground] Whose rope is longer? You... [Squidward picks up the long rope before Patrick finishes] Aww! You played this before!
- [Patrick walks away angrily. The scene changes to Sandy's treedome.]
- Patrick: Sandy, I've been trying to invent a game, but every game I invent is a failure.
- Sandy: [puts some stuff in her blender] If you want to invent a game, you should study all the games you like and figure out what it is you liked best about them. [mixes her blender] Then you can use those elements in the game you invent. [drinks the smoothie she made from her blender]
- [Mini Brain Patrick pops out of Patrick's eye and throws a light bulb above his head. Once Mini Brain Patrick puts Patrick eye back in place, Patrick pulled the rope and lights up the light bulb, which helped him get an idea.]
- Patrick: [gasps] I know what to do!
- [The scene changes to Patrick's rock and all of Patrick's board games are stacks on a table.]
- Patrick: And so it begins.
- [Patrick begins creating his game. First, he takes a game piece, puts glue on it, and adds google eyes. Then he cuts a board game in half with the scissors, which resulted in cutting himself in half. Then he glues the board together and puts some tape on it. However, the tape slides off because the glue was still wet, but Patrick didn't mind. Patrick continued working on his game for a few hours, and when he was finished, he pulls a lever and electricity starts bringing the game to life as if he was a mad scientist bringing a robot to life in a horror movie.]
- Patrick: [laughs maniacally] It's a game! It's a game! Now I know what it's like to be a game maker!
- [The scene changes to Sandy, Squidward and SpongeBob walking to Patrick's place at night.]
- Squidward: I don't see the point of this game night. Every game that Patrick has "invented" is more pointless and boring than the last.
- Sandy: This time, he did research.
- Squidward: We haven't started, and I'm already bored.
- Sandy: Well, I'm excited! We're gonna be the first people to test out Patrick's game!
- SpongeBob: This is gonna be written about in the history book someday.
- Squidward: Yeah. In crayon.
- [Everyone shows up at Patrick's rock and Patrick comes out.]
- Patrick: Good evening. Please step into my game-a-torium.
- [Everyone steps inside Patrick's rock.]
- Squidward: More like a lame-a-torium. Ha.
- [Patrick closes the rock and lands on his chair.]
- Patrick: Welcome, gamers! And behold! [thunderclaps] My game!
- [Patrick's game board is made out of random board games and is shaped like Patrick himself.]
- SpongeBob: It's beautiful!
- Squidward: [yawns] Are we finished? Who won? [Sandy, disgusted by Squidward's rude behavior, nudges him, much to Squidward's annoyance]
- Patrick: [laughs] No, my friend. We have only just begun.
- Sandy: What's it called, Patrick?
- Squidward: Might I suggest "garbage"? [Sandy growls at Squidward] What?
- SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick. What's it called?
- [As Patrick thinks, Mini Brain Patrick pushes a light bulb out of his head and it lights up.]
- Patrick: It's called... Patrick! The Game! [thunderclaps]
- SpongeBob: Wow!
- Squidward: Could we just get started already? I'm late for my coma. [Still annoyed by Squidward, Sandy zips Squidward's mouth shut]
- Patrick: Alright! [eats some snacks] I'll explain the rules. Each player picks a piece to move around the board. The way you decide which player gets to pick the piece by rolling the dice. [As Patrick explains, Sandy and SpongeBob are amazed. But Squidward, on the other hand, was getting impatient] To decide who gets to roll the dice first to see who gets the first choice of players, you have to be...
- Squidward: Look, Patrick, you go, then Sandy, then SpongeBob, then me. Okay?
- Patrick: You mean for picking our player or for starting the game?
- Squidward: [annoyed] Both!
- Patrick: Okay! Now onto rules of how to play the game.
- Squidward: I've got a great idea. Why don't we just start rolling and you can explain the game as we play.
- Patrick: Hmm... [thinks for a few seconds, then shrugs with smile] Okay! [Patrick rolls the dice and gets three dots. He moves his game piece and lands on free money.] Oh, money! [throw money in the air]
- [Sandy rolls the dice, moves her game piece and lands on Goo Lagoon.]
- Sandy: Yee-haw! Beachfront property! [places a house-shaped piece on Goo Lagoon]
- [SpongeBob rolls the dice and gets four dots. He moves his game piece and lands on a treasure chest. SpongeBob takes a treasure which has a driver's license on it. The driver's license is similar to "Sleepy Time" and "Nautical Novice".]
- SpongeBob: Driver's license! Driver's license! But what's that mean?
- Patrick: Oh, on your next turn, you roll then you can move down the board or you can go round the race track as many times as you rolled.
- SpongeBob: Oh, what should I do? What should I do? What should I do?
- Squidward: You should give me the dice! Give me the dice! Because it's my turn!
- [Squidward rolls the dice and gets six dots. Squidward moves his game piece and lands on "Go to jail."]
- Squidward: Uh-huh.
- Patrick: You go to jail.
- [Patrick puts a cardboard box with the word jail on it. Everyone laughs at Squidward as a blue fish head appears next to him, startling Squidward.]
- Blue Cellmate: What are you in for, pal? [disappears out of thin air]
- Patrick: My turn! [rolls the dice and spits it out of his mouth] One... two...
- [Patrick moves his piece to snacks. Once it landed, snack pops out and feeds Patrick.]
- Squidward: Oh, good thing you've landed on snacks. You must be famished.
- [Sandy rolls the dice and gets two dots. She moves her piece to Coral Avenue.]
- Sandy: Hmm... Coral Avenue. I'll buy it!
- [Sandy hands out her money while SpongeBob rolls the dice.]
- SpongeBob: Twelve. I'll... drive the car!
- [Squidward rolls the dice.]
- Patrick: Oh, you don't get to roll when you're in jail.
- Squidward: Well, what do I do to get out of jail?
- Patrick: You have to roll a six.
- [Squidward rolls the dice again.]
- Patrick: [screaming angrily and harshly at Squidward] Hey! You can't roll the dice when you're in jail!
- SpongeBob: Yeah, play by the rules.
- Squidward: [getting hysterical with anger] Well, if the only way to get out of jail is to roll a six, and I can't roll if I'm in jail, just how am I supposed to get out of jail?! Grrr!
- Patrick: [he pulls out a rule card.] Ah, here it is! [writes on it] The guy that is in jail has to stay there unless he rolls a six or someone says his name.
- Squidward: [calmly] Fine. Someone say my name.
- [Everyone laughs at Squidward, meaning they don't want to. Sandy rolls the dice and moves her piece to surgery.]
- Patrick: Oh boy! You landed on "Do a Surgery"! [Patrick holds cards while wearing an operation mask.] Now, pick a surgery card.
- Sandy: [Sandy takes a card] Hmm... Remove finbone from player to your left.
- [Patrick grabs Squidward and puts him on the game board.]
- Squidward: [frantically] Whoa! Wait! D'oh! But I don't have a finbone! I'm an octopus!
- Sandy: Hush, now! This won't hurt a bit.
- [Sandy takes the tweezers and removes a plastic bone from the game board.]
- Sandy: Got it.
- Patrick: Now, sit back down, you criminal!
- Squidward: [angrily sits down] Oh, this game doesn't make any sense!
- SpongeBob: Sounds like someone's mad because he hasn't moved.
- Squidward: Well, neither have you.
- [SpongeBob puts a driving helmet on and starts riding on the board with the race car toy.]
- Squidward: [Finally having enough with the game, he gives up and takes off the cardboard box] That's it! I've had enough! [prepares to leave]
- SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward! Wait!
- Sandy: Don't go, Squidward!
- Patrick: No wait, Squidward!
- SpongeBob: Squidward!
- Patrick: Wait, how'd he get out of jail?
- SpongeBob: Squidward made us say his name.
- Sandy: That was a smart move, Squidward!
- Squidward: Huh? Oh. Hmm... [thinks for a bit and goes back to playing]
- SpongeBob: Now you roll after me.
- [SpongeBob rolls the dice and gets five dots.]
- SpongeBob: Five. One, two, three, four, five. Um, I think I'll...
- Squidward: Race the car.
- SpongeBob: I'll...
- Squidward: Race the car!
- SpongeBob: I'll... race the car!
- [SpongeBob puts the driving helmet back on and races around the track again. Squidward rolls the dice and gets two dots.]
- Squidward: Oh boy! Snacks!
- [He moves his piece and lands on snacks. SpongeBob continues racing on the track but his movements literally makes Squidward's piece go back to jail.]
- Patrick: Jail for Squidward!
- Squidward: But I was on snacks!
- Patrick: Tell it to the judge!
- [Patrick puts the cardboard box back on Squidward.]
- Squidward: Could someone please tell me what we are supposed to be doing? What's the point? This entire game is completely random! It jumps from one thing to another! I don't know how you are supposed to win! And Patrick seems to be making up the rules as he goes along!
- Patrick: Starving! Starving sea star time!
- [Sandy and SpongeBob feeds Patrick random snacks.]
- Squidward: [takes off the box] Okay, I'm going outside.
- Patrick: [Patrick writes on his rule card.] If a person declares outsidesies, then everyone must go outside.
- Squidward: But I didn't say "outsidesies" I said...
- [Everyone pushes Squidward outside of Patrick's rock. Patrick rolls the dice and gets four dots.]
- Patrick: Four. We are in a giggle zone! Everyone laugh!
- [Sandy, SpongeBob, and Patrick laughs. Sandy growls at Squidward to make him join.]
- Squidward: Ha.
- [SpongeBob rolls the dice and gets two dots.]
- SpongeBob: Two. [takes a card] Silly face! Silly face!
- [Sandy, SpongeBob, and Patrick make silly faces, but Squidward gets very irritated.]
- Sandy: Now that's a silly face!
- SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, you finally understand the rules!
- Squidward: Oh, I get the rules alright. The rules are that it doesn't matter what anybody rolls! You can just make up whatever it means! [takes the dice and rolls them] So I could just roll the dice and say, "Automatic Winner!"
- SpongeBob: Good job, Squidward! You've won!
- Sandy: Nice play, Squidward!
- Squidward: Huh? Oh, you know what, you're right. That was a good play.
- Patrick: Not so fast! [writes on his rule card] No player may declare himself "Automatic Winner."
- Squidward: You did it again. [becomes furious] You made up another rule! This game is the worst! Stupid game!
- [Infuriated with Patrick's constant rules, Squidward attacks Patrick. SpongeBob and Sandy run off while Squidward grabs Patrick's game board and shakes it off of Patrick. Then he throws Patrick in the air and when Patrick landed, the game breaks in half. Squidward then puts a piece of the game board in his mouth and shakes his head like a dog. He stomps on it with both feet out of insane anger. However, the police arrives at the scene.]
- Highway Speed Patrol: Destruction to private property.
- [Patrick, who's visibly enraged at Squidward for destroying his game, writes on his rule card and gives it to the police. Squidward tries to walk away but Nancy O'Malley and the Highway Speed Patrol follow him.]
- Highway Speed Patrol: Oh, and I see here you are a repeat offender. You're going to real jail.
- [Nancy O'Malley and the Highway Speed Patrol grab Squidward and threw him in the police car.]
- Squidward: Anything to get out of this game! Thanks, Officers!
- [However, the blue cellmate comes back inside the box.]
- Blue Cellmate: Welcome back!
- Squidward: Somebody say my name!
- [The police car drives away as the episode ends with Patrick appearing on a game board box.]
- Patrick: [to the viewers] Game over!