This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pat the Dog" from season 13, which aired on July 9, 2021.
- [The episode begins at an animal shelter. The camera goes inside the place, and there is a snail trying to grab a key next to him to get out. Marvin is talking on the phone.]
- Marvin: Hello, animal control. [the telephone gets covered in slime] Ew. SpongeBob, I appreciate you volunteering here at the animal shelter, but could you [grabs a worm] please stop letting the worms use the phone?! [throws the worm to the floor]
- SpongeBob: Oh, I told them no more takeout calls.
- [SpongeBob moves a bucket to catch the worm's drool. A worm nearby is shown, along with several takeout boxes full of food. The worm burps.]
- Marvin: [groans] [on the phone] Now, how can I help you?
- Squidward: [on the phone] There's a worm somewhere outside my house, and it won't stop barking.
- Marvin: [leans in and pushes the split screen narrower, surprising Squidward] I'll get on that right away. [hangs up and puts down the worm in his net, and gets up] I gotta go catch a stray. SpongeBob, you hold down the fort.
- SpongeBob: [saluting] Sir, yes, sir! I will take care of these wild worms to the best of my ability. [his limbs become worms and he laughs]
- [Marvin groans and leaves. A worm strangles SpongeBob as the scene bubble transitions to SpongeBob tucking worms into bed. He fluffs a worm's pillow.]
- SpongeBob: [humming while walking over to a cage and then gasps] Uh-oh. B-B-Butcher's cage. [nervous whimpering as he tiptoes over to the cage]
- [Butcher barks, causing SpongeBob to scream, and he holds up a white flag]
- SpongeBob: Butcher? I know you're really a good boy. Just let me pet you, real gentle. [sticks his hand into the cage] That a boy.
- [Butcher growls and snarls as he makes the cage shake. SpongeBob falls down]
- SpongeBob: [gasps as he realizes his arm was bitten off] I hope he doesn't develop a taste for sponge. [He grows back his arm and screams again as Butcher growls again. Butcher eats SpongeBob's arms and feet left behind.]
- [The scene bubble transitions to outside the animal shelter, where the animal control truck arrives. Marvin is carrying Patrick on a leash. Patrick barks as Marvin drags him around. Patrick goes into a cell and drags Marvin out through the bars, compressing him into a rectangle. Patrick comes free and jumps away. SpongeBob is feeding a worm.]
- SpongeBob: [excited] Patrick!
- [SpongeBob pours the entire bag of food on the worm. It pops out and eats it.]
- SpongeBob: [hugs Patrick] Yeah! Aw, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?
- [Marvin walks in.]
- Marvin: [panting] Huh?
- [Patrick licks SpongeBob.]
- SpongeBob: Patrick's my friend. Sometimes if he's eaten worm food by mistake, he goes into worm mode. [Patrick growls and eats the worm food.] There's no telling how long it'll last.
- Marvin: Well, if he's not trained in a few days so he can be adopted, he'll have to be [points to his keys] locked up. Like Butcher.
- [Butcher growls. A nearby worm jumps and is scared out of his skin.]
- SpongeBob: Don't worry, sir. I'll train him. He's already housebroken. [Patrick pees on SpongeBob. SpongeBob nervously laughs.] I knew he was broken. I thought it was house. [Patrick chews on Marvin's mop.]
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob training Patrick outside the shelter.]
- SpongeBob: Now, Patrick, every good worm needs to learn how to do tricks. Then they get [takes out a treat] wormy treats as a reward! Now, sit!
- Patrick: [grabs a lawn chair and lays on it]
- SpongeBob: Um... almost. Let's try another one. Shake!
- Patrick: [shakes so hard that he vibrates the ground]
- SpongeBob: [pants] Shall we try roll over?
- Patrick: [rolls around and knocks over SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: Patrick! Wait!
- [Patrick rolls through town, knocking over people and causing cars to crash. He rolls through people like bowling pins exiting a subway. A man in the subway tunnel sees Patrick roll past and checks his watch.]
- Businessman: Rolling Star Express, right on time.
- [Patrick rolls back to SpongeBob, bites the box and pours the treats into his mouth, and pants. Patrick's body is scuffed up.]
- SpongeBob: I know one wormy that needs a bath.
- Patrick: [growls]
- SpongeBob: Okay, okay, no bath, no bath! [pushes Patrick through the shelter] Here, Patrick. Worms learn from other worms. [pushes him in the back yard] They'll show you how to be a good boy.
- Patrick: Hmm?
- [Patrick looks around and sees the worms being sophisticated and well-behaved.]
- French Narrator: [narrating time card] One hour later...
- [SpongeBob walks in, drinking a soda. Reacting to what he sees, it squirts out of his holes. The worms are racing and Patrick waves a flag as they pass the finish line. Marvin comes in and gasps. Patrick leads some worms to crash through the wall. Marvin approaches him.]
- Patrick: Huh?
- Marvin: [grabs Patrick with his pole] This worm is a menace. I'm afraid he'll have to be locked up, like Butcher.
- SpongeBob: Please don't do that! I'll adopt him! I'll take him home! He'll be my rescue.
- Marvin: And you'll take [holds Patrick towards him] full responsibility for him?
- Patrick: [panting]
- SpongeBob: I promise.
- Marvin: Well, that's good. I really didn't want to have to fix him, anyway.
- Patrick: [rolls around]
- SpongeBob: [balances on Patrick] Thank you, thank you! [rolls on Patrick out of the building] Patrick! Whoa, boy! Heel! [a car crashes into the animal control van] Sorry!
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house at night.]
- SpongeBob: Oh, Gary! I brought you a playmate!
- Gary: [shows up with a plate, goblet, and can of snail food on his head] Meow?
- Patrick: [aggressive barking]
- Gary: [screeches]
- Patrick: [aggressive barking]
- [SpongeBob tries to restrain Patrick. Patrick gets loose and chases Gary around, causing a mess.]
- SpongeBob: Patrick! Gary! No! Stop!
- [Gary hides in the TV. Patrick sniffs around and doesn't see him. The TV falls over and Gary sticks his eyes out. Patrick chews on the couch. He tears up the sofa and lays down on it. Gary pokes his eyes out of his shell and SpongeBob's body has retracted into his pants, besides his eyes. Exterior shot of the house; Patrick keeps barking all through the night.]
- Squidward: [wakes up and yells off-screen] SpongeBob! [knocks at SpongeBob's door] Come on...
- [An extremely exhausted SpongeBob answers the door, surprising Squidward.]
- SpongeBob: [groans] I'm sorry. Was the noise bothering you? [eyes droop down]
- [Patrick leaps through the doorway and attacks Squidward. SpongeBob jumps out of the way, shaping his body like the doorway.]
- Patrick: [growling]
- SpongeBob: Patrick, heel!
- [SpongeBob grabs Squidward and puts him upright. They run away as Patrick chases them. SpongeBob slams the door on Patrick, leaving an imprint. He breathes heavily.]
- Squidward: [looking at the destruction in SpongeBob's house] Jeez...
- Squidward: Huh. Look, I don't care what kind of weird and stupid parties you throw, I'm just asking that you keep your pet quiet!
- SpongeBob: I am at my wit's end! Patrick is in worm mode again. But this time, he's out of control.
- Squidward: Oh, any worm can be tamed. Even one as dumb as Patrick. He just needs tough love.
- SpongeBob: [grabs Squidward] Would you tough-love Patrick, Squidward?
- Squidward: No way.
- Patrick: [barks and slams into the door three times]
- SpongeBob: Please, Squidward. I bet you're the best worm trainer ever! Please!
- Squidward: [laughs] Beg me.
- SpongeBob: [barks and licks Squidward]
- Squidward: Okay... sit.
- [SpongeBob sits.]
- Squidward: Huh? Well, I'm a good idiot trainer. [considering] And since Patrick's an idiot... Okay, I'll train him. But only if you play dead--
- [SpongeBob gasps and falls on his back as a dramatic music sting plays.]
- Squidward: [laughs] And stay playing dead. [steps over him] I've got an idiot to train.
- [Bubble transition to Patrick locked in a cage in Squidward's house. Squidward, wearing a helmet and padded bodysuit, approaches the cage. Squidward takes out a "How to Train Worms" book.]
- Squidward: We'll start with something simple: I'll teach you how to heel. Now... be a good boy.
- [Squidward opens the cage. Patrick growls, leaps out, and tackles him.]
- Squidward: Heel! Stop! Heel!
- [Patrick chews up Squidward and throws him out of his bodysuit, locking him in the cage.]
- Squidward: All right, that's it!
- [Bubble transition to Squidward driving with Patrick in the boat. He stops in the kelp forest and kicks Patrick out.]
- Squidward: Have a nice life. [drives away, spraying mud on Patrick]
- [The kelp forest is empty. A coyote howls. Bubble transition to Squidward driving back to his house. SpongeBob continues laying in the front step.]
- SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! I'm still playing dead. [laughs]
- [Squidward ignores him and walks back into his house, humming.]
- Squidward: Tough love. [laughs]
- [There's pounding at the door.]
- Squidward: Huh?
- [Patrick is at the door, covered in stickers from traveling. He jumps on Squidward and pins him down. Squidward shivers. Bubble transition to Patrick in a high chair, with Squidward taking a collar out of a box.]
- Squidward: This, my little barking friend, is a shock collar. [puts it on Patrick's neck and takes out a remote] Whenever you bark, I'll push this button and give you a mild tough-love shock.
- [Squidward activates the remote. Patrick enjoys it and drools.]
- Squidward: Hmm? [shakes remote] Nothing? [keeps hitting the button] Oh, it must be broken.
- [Squidward keeps turning the dial and pressing the button, but nothing happens. He throws it on the ground, shattering it.]
- Squidward: Nuts!
- [Squidward kicks the box away and tries to take the collar off Patrick, but when he touches it, he gets electrocuted. The collar breaks.]
- Patrick: [barks]
- [Bubble transition to Squidward driving through the kelp forest again. Patrick is locked in a cage attached to the boat. Squidward cuts the rope with scissors and leaves Patrick behind. Patrick stares with an angry expression. SpongeBob is still in Squidward's front yard.]
- SpongeBob: Still playing dead!
- Squidward: [mutters]
- [Squidward enters his house, but Patrick is already there. Patrick jumps on him and growls. Bubble transition to Squidward in the boat, but it turns out Patrick is driving him. He kicks Squidward out of the boat and barks angrily, then sprays mud on him and drives off. Bubble transition to an injured Squidward dragging himself back home, with the boat crashed in his house. Patrick is already in the house. Marvin comes by.]
- Marvin: Excuse, Mr. Squidward. SpongeBob tells me that you've trained Patrick using tough love.
- Squidward: Patrick? He's impossible. I've tried to get him to sit--
- [Patrick barks and sits, then looks up at Squidward affectionately and pants.]
- Squidward: Hmm... Okay, well, then I tried to get him to beg--
- [Patrick begs and pants.]
- Squidward: Spin.
- [Patrick spins around rapidly.]
- Squidward: Now shake.
- [Patrick enthusiastically shakes Squidward's hand and body, leaving him dizzy.]
- Squidward: Cheerleader split.
- [Patrick does a split.]
- Squidward: Chicken.
- [Patrick turns into a chicken and clucks.]
- Squidward: Chicken nugget.
- [Patrick turns into a live-action chicken nugget.]
- Squidward: Air guitar.
- [Patrick rocks out on an air guitar. He stops and pants. Marvin looks on, impressed, and Squidward laughs.]
- Squidward: Now play dead.
- [Patrick leaps into the air and falls on his back as a funeral sting plays.]
- Marvin: What? You did it! You're a miracle worker!
- Squidward: Well, I don't like to brag, but--
- Marvin: [shakes Squidward's hand] That's great. We've got a problem worm that needs training.
- Squidward: What?
- Marvin: [whistles] Bring him in, fellas!
- [A man is motioning to an animal control truck. Two helicopters shine spotlights on it. Marvin runs to the truck and pulls a lever.]
- Marvin: Say hello to Butcher.
- [Butcher's cage slides out of the truck and hits Squidward.]
- Squidward: [screams]
- [The door locks behind Squidward. Marvin drives away. SpongeBob comes out of his house.]
- Squidward: Heel, heel! Ah, stop--heel, heel--fetch, heel, heel!
- SpongeBob: Hey, you're not a worm anymore!
- Patrick: Nah, I snapped out of it hours ago. I just wanted Squidward to feel like he did a good job.
- Squidward: [off-screen] All right, that's enough! I'll teach you!
- SpongeBob: Yeah, I hope Squidward's not too tough on him.
- Squidward: Will you sit--good dog, sit. Will you sit? No--don't!
- [Butcher comes out of Squidward's house, walking Squidward on a leash.]
- Butcher: Good afternoon, gentlemen. Nice day for a walk.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick fall down and play dead, then hold up flowers. The episode irises out on them.]