This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Pat Roast" from season 3, which aired on December 12, 2024.
- [The episode opens with Squidina using a microphone onstage with several Lawnies watching.]
- Squidina: Good evening, Lawnies and Lawnettes. Get ready for the stand-up comedy stylings of Patrick Star! [moves away as curtains open to Patrick with a plunger arrow in his head]
- Lawnies: [cheers and applause]
- Patrick: What the? [flicks arrow] How'd that get in there? [takes out the arrow, which also takes out his brain] Uh...
- [Some clams take Patrick's brain and fight over it, then fly away with the pieces.]
- Patrick: [throws away arrow] Hey, folks! So shouldn't we call Krabby Patties "Grabby" Patties? Because I just wanna reach out and grab 'em!
- [The music suddenly stops, as the Lawnies are unimpressed with Patrick's joke.]
- Slappy: [cackles wildly] Oh, it's like he is in my mind. And I welcome him.
- Patrick: You know, I live with my parents. People keep asking me, "Patrick, when are you gonna move out?" But I tell them I move out all the time. [moving his fingers like footsteps] I move out of my bedroom into the living room to watch TV, and then I move out of there into the kitchen when I'm hungry. And then I move out into the bathroom when I--
- Harold: Oi! When does the comedy start?
- Lawnies: [laughter and murmuring]
- Patrick: [looks at his watch] Well, the show started a few minutes ago.
- Harold: You could have fooled me! It feels like hours!
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Slappy: Humph. Mess with my Patrick, will you?
- Harold: Is this a comedy routine or a root canal?
- [Slappy approaches Harold with a shovel. Squidina is biting her fingernails onstage, which creates a pile of them.]
- Harold: [as Slappy begins to bury him] 'Cause I've had root canals that were less painful and funnier, too! I demand a re-- [sputters]
- Patrick: What? Where'd he go?
- Harold: [muffled speech as Slappy finishes burying him under the sand]
- Slappy: Beats me.
- Squidina: A-ha! Patrick, I think I know what kind of comedy this crowd wants.
- [Flame transition to a title sequence.]
- Announcer: "The Patrick Show" Presents... the roast of Patrick Star!
- Patrick: [on the title screen] Who, me? [suddenly gets engulfed in flames] Ow.
- Squidina: [speaking from a podium] Good evening, everybody. Let's give it up for the host we love to roast the most, Patrick-- wait, where is he?
- [Meanwhile in the kitchen, the oven door opens as Patrick is laying on a dish with vegetables, dressing on his body, and an apple in his mouth. Patrick pours more dressing onto himself.]
- Squidina: [sniffs, laughs nervously] It's not that kind of roast, Patrick.
- Crowd: [laughter]
- Patrick: [mouth full] It's not?
- Squidina: It's the kind where guests come up and make jokes at your expense.
- Patrick: [walks onstage, pulls out his pockets] My expense? Well, I hope they take an IOU. [lounges on the sofa]
- Squidina: First up, some familiar faces from outer spaces, Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron!
- Lawnies: [cheers and applause]
- [Captain Quasar and Pat-Tron materialize as Squidina leaves the podium.]
- Quasar: Thank you, Bikini Bottom. You're too kind. Say, Pat-Tron, what's big, greasy, and gobbles up anything that comes near it?
- Pat-Tron: Uh, is it Patrick Star?
- Quasar: [laughing] No. I'm talking about the planet Jupiter, but Patrick is our second favorite gas giant.
- Patrick: Aw. [giggles, belches]
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Cecil: That's my-- [belches] Boy. [sips drink]
- Pat-Tron: Hey, boss. Why are we here?
- Quasar: For Patrick.
- Pat-Tron: Right, but I thought we were supposed to be looking for intelligent life.
- Patrick and the Lawnies: [laughter as Quasar and Pat-Tron disappear, then flames engulf the screen]
- Squidina: They say Patrick has a face only a mother could love. [chuckling] Well, let's put that to the test. Here's Bunny Star.
- Lawnies: [cheers and applause]
- [Squidina leaves the stage as Bunny makes an entrance by flying in with a vacuum.
- Lawnies: Roast, roast, roast!
- Bunny: Roast? I wouldn't roast my precious baby boy. [grabs Patrick's cheek] Instead, I'm gonna celebrate him [pulls a table with a projector] with some adorable family photos. [the projector displays a photo of Patrick as a baby sitting on Tinkle] This is Patrick potty training. [projector displays a photo of Tinkle blowing a whistle at a baby Patrick] And this is the potty training Patrick.
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Patrick: [laughing and banging his fist on the sofa] Oh, man. That kid must have grown up to be a real doofus.
- Bunny: [projector displays a photo of a child Patrick tangled up in his underwear] And here's Patrick figuring out how underwear works. [giggles]
- Patrick's underwear: [chuckles] I remember that.
- Patrick: Huh? Who said that? [his underwear rips off of his body, yelps]
- Patrick's underwear: 'Scuse me, Patrick.
- Squidina: [laughs, slapping her knee] Ladies and gentlemen, it's Patrick's underwear!
- Lawnies: [cheers and applause]
- Patrick's underwear: I promise I'll be briefs, folks. [chuckles, audience laughs] You know, they say change is good, but Patrick here begs to differ. I've been riding his rump for three weeks straight. At least turn me inside out. Ha!
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Patrick's underwear: I know you folks didn't come here for dirty laundry, but here I am anyway.
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Patrick: [laughing, banging his fists on the sofa]
- Patrick's underwear: Thank you, folks. You've been great. Now I'm gonna turn it over to another wrinkled old specimen, GrandPat Star! Whoa! [hides as GrandPat enters with his motor scooter]
- GrandPat: [rides around the stage and slams the scooter onto Patrick] I hope you brought eyeball diapers, 'cause these jokes are gonna make you wet your face! As you all know, Patrick is my grandson, or, as I call him, my... [dolphin chirping]
- Lawnies: [gasp]
- [Two dolphin parents cover their child's face as GrandPat continues swearing.]
- Squidina: [using a rope] OK, give it up for GrandPat, everybody. [uses the rope to lasso GrandPat off-stage] Let's get a more family-friendly roaster up on the stage, 'K? Give a big hand, [Hans brings SpongeBob onstage, SpongeBob waves] or a big Hans, for SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Lawnies: [cheers and applause]
- Hans: [thunderous clapping]
- SpongeBob: Hey, just 'cause we're best friends doesn't mean I'm gonna go easy on you, Patrick. Better buckle up.
- Lawnies: [oohs and laughter]
- Patrick: [tries to literally buckle up] Oh, don't start yet! I've almost got it! [buckles himself to the sofa, tangled in the seat-belt, gives thumbs-up] Do your worst.
- SpongeBob: Do you know why they call him Pa-trick?
- All: Why?
- SpongeBob: Because he's been known to-- [giggles] Play a trick or two. [laughs] That merry prankster.
- Lawnies: [unamused, crickets chirping]
- SpongeBob: [hits his head with his fist] Darn it, SpongeBob. I knew that one was too mean. I'd better lighten things up. [chuckles uncomfortably, gets up from the podium] Hey, uh, did you know also call him Pat-rick because Patrick's always good for a [pats Patrick on the back] pat on the back? Huh?
- Lawnies: [unamused, crickets chirping]
- Cecil: [holding an angry cricket in a bag] Hey, my cricket is not amused.
- SpongeBob: [sweating] Oh, they still think I'm too mean. Oh, uh-- [chuckles uncomfortably] Did I say Patrick's my best friend? Patrick is actually my super-extra-double best friend supreme! [audience booing, sobbing] I'm sorry! [tosses mic away] What do you want from me? [rips off his shirt] The shirt off my back? [sobs on the floor]
- Patrick and the Lawnies: [laughter]
- Cecil: Strong finish.
- SpongeBob: Comedy, thy name is SpongeBob. [chuckles and leaves]
- Patrick: [points and laughs] He said name! [laughs]
- Squidina: At long last, we've reached the best part of the show, the end. [audience cheers] Good night.
- Patrick: Wait! We didn't even get to hear from the most important roaster of all. [takes the mic] Me. You'd know Patrick if you watched his show. Wait, never mind. No one watches his show! [laughs]
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Slappy: I watch your show. Aren't I someone? [plays sad violin music]'
- Patrick: How could a guy with, uh, one, two, three, four, five points be so dull?
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Patrick: [talking to himself] Hey, who said that? Over here. Huh? Yoo-hoo. Huh? [growls as his eyes face each other] A-ha! You! My points aren't dull. They're sharper than your jokes. [pokes himself] Ow. Pfft, you call these jokes? I saw funnier starts in my last concussion! [punches himself] You not nice guy! [strangles himself]
- Squidina: [concerned] Patrick.
- Lawnies: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
- Squidina: [gasps, then shrugs] Well, gotta give the people what they want.
- Announcer: [title sequence plays] Tonight on Pat-Per-View, [versus screen of two Patricks appears] it's the self-fight of the century. [an explosion occurs]
- [The show stage is now a boxing ring.]
- Squidina: In this corner, weighing in at 102 grams, the sea star slugger, Patrick Star!
- Patrick: [growls]
- Squidina: And in the other corner, weighing in at 0.22487151 pounds, the pink pulverizer and best show host around, also Patrick Star!
- Patrick: [crosses arms] Never heard of him.
- [A bell dings. The two Patricks shout as they run at each other.]
- Patrick: Let me at me! Let me at me! [throws a punch]
- Squidina: Ooh. He goes for the left hook! [Patrick hits himself from behind] Oh, right in the back of the noggin! [Patrick performs an uppercut on himself] An uppercut!
- Patrick: [groans, then punches himself in two places at once]
- Squidina: Whoa, the double-whammy! [gasps] What's this?
- [Patrickgrabs himself and spins himself in the air, slamming himself onto the floor, then spins himself and throws himself onto the glass. He then pins himself to the floor and grabs a sword from a toy box.]
- Slappy: No! Impending bloodshed. [watches eagerly with a pair of binoculars]
- Patrick: [yells as he raises his sword at himself, whimpers, then only touches his face with the sword handle] Hey, what gives?
- Harold: Oi! [gets out from underneath the sand] He's so dull in the head, he's using the dull end of the sword!
- Lawnies: [laughter]
- Patrick: Oh, you didn't mean my points were dull. You meant that our head is dull because I'm dumb! [laughs] Oh, I get it. [laughs while banging his fists on the floor]
- Lawnies: [sheepish laughter]
- Lady: I still don't get it.
- Patrick: [laughs as he wipes away a tear, puts out his hand] That was a real good one. [chuckles] You really get me. Sorry we fought. No worries. I love you, man. [tears in his eyes] I love you too, Patrick.
- Lawnies: Aww.
- Patrick: [puckers his lips to make out with himself]
- Lawnies: [eyes widen, begin to leave]
- Slappy: [laughing as Patrick continues to make out with himself]
- Squidina: [drags Slappy away] Show's over, Slappy. Let's give these two their privacy.
- Harold: Ugh, I think I like being buried alive better. Ugh. [buries himself back into the sand and places a grave on top]