Pat Hearts Squid/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pat Hearts Squid" from season 12, which aired on July 9, 2021.

[The episode begins with a crablike creature walking along the ground. A giant mud monster arises from the ground and scares it away.]
Squidward: Be quiet down there or I'm calling the cops!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [break out of the mud monster] What?!
Squidward: [sighs] I said... [screaming loudly] be quiet, [puts his head out the window] or I'm calling the... [he loses balance, and he falls along with his entire house. The house then crumbles into pieces.] My house! My shelter! My life!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [putting their hands on Squidward's shoulders] My my my... [Squidward releases their arms]
SpongeBob: So, who you gonna stay with until you find a new house, Squidward? Me, or Patrick?
Squidward: I wouldn't stay with either of you two idiots if the entire ocean was on fire and you were the only ones with water.
Patrick: So there's a chance!
[Squidward is frustrated and pretends to open the nonexistent door to his house and slams it, making him fall to the ground. Bubble transition to a shot of Conch Street, where Squidward's house is now a tent. Squidward gargles in his mouth while in a sleeping bag and spits into a bucket.]
Squidward: Ah, roughin' it ain't so rough. [he turns off a lantern and goes to sleep]
[The wind carries the tent into the air along with Squidward's nightcap, and he wakes up. It then starts raining.]
Squidward: Too rough! [flips a coin] Oh... I guess it's Patrick.
[Squidward zips himself up into the sleeping bag and inches towards Patrick's rock. Squidward then knocks at Patrick's rock using his nose. Patrick kidnaps Squidward by grabbing Squidward's nose.]
Patrick: [uses a banana as a weapon] Identify myself!
Squidward: [unzips his sleeping bag and sees Patrick] Patrick?
Patrick: That is correct. [phone rings] [He uses a banana as a phone.] May I ask who's calling? [He now uses the banana as his mustache.] Oh hi, Squidward! [grabs Squidward and wipes away any sand from him]
Squidward: So, um, I've decided to take you out on your generous invitation.
Patrick: What about my generator's vitamins?
Squidward: Oh, good grief. I'm staying with you, you moron! Um, that is if you'll have me?
Patrick: Oh, boy! [puts the banana in his hand and starts running in a circle around Squidward] Squidward's staying over! Squidward's staying over!
[Squidward's expression alternates between happy and concerned as Patrick repeatedly hits him with the banana. He then sighs]
[Bubble transition to Patrick leading Squidward to his bedroom.]
Patrick: You can take my bed, squiddy ol' buddy.
Squidward: Well, um, maybe it won't be so bad staying here after all.
Patrick: Sleep tight. Don't let the sand mites bite. [closes the door behind him, but then quickly reopens it, holding a hammer] But if they do, just let me know and I'll smash 'em! [closes the door again. Squidward sighs]
Squidward: [picking up the sand sandwich Patrick left for him] Um... [sniffs the sandwich; he then bites into it, and it falls to the ground like sand; the same happens with his drink. He angrily groans and tries to sleep in the sand bed, but the sheets and pillow turn into regular sand. Squidward puts on a sleeping mask and starts snoring. However, drool lands on him, and he wakes up.] Wait wha-wha-wha? Oh, a leaky rock?
[Squidward looks up to see that Patrick is sleeping on the ceiling, and the drool is coming from him. Another drop of drool lands in Squidward's eye]
Squidward: Oh, you titanic twit, get down from there!
Patrick: [waking up suddenly holding a hammer] Ah! I'll smash 'em for you, Squidward! [he then lands right on top of Squidward, making the furniture turn back into regular sand] Squidward? Where are you?
Squidward: [talking through a mouth in Patrick's stomach] In your navel. [he pops out of Patrick's stomach]
Patrick: [laughing] That tickles.
[Bubble transition; the scene changes from nighttime to dawn as a rooster makes noise.]
Patrick: [yawns, stretches, and wakes up] [The scene zooms out to show two coral plants, four clarinets, and Squidward's artwork inside his home.] Hmmm, what is this place? [Green fumes appear and trigger Patrick, who sniffs.] Huh? [The fumes come from the kitchen, where Squidward, wearing a chef's hat and apron, is preparing food from the oven.] Squidward, did you do all this?
Squidward: Well, if I figured if I have to stay here, I might as well make it livable. [shows a fully baked lard cake with the fumes] Lard cake?
Patrick: If you make me lard cakes every morning, Squiddy, you can do anything you want. [He attempts to lick the lard cake, but Squidward slaps Patrick's tongue with a wooden spoon.]
Squidward: Ah-ah-ah-ah. The etiquette spoon says, 'Eat like a gentleman.'
Patrick: Ah. A gentleman! [eats the etiquette spoon]
Squidward: Watch me, idiot. [takes a small piece of the lard cake with a fork] A gentleman eats like this. [bites the cake piece repeatedly]
[Patrick does exactly what Squidward did]
Squidward: Holy halibut. Can he actually be taught? [molds Patrick's head] I can mold you. [squeezes Patrick's head] I can squeeze this lump of clay [molds Patrick's head into Bold and Brash] into a cultured sophisticate! [stretches Patrick's face into a donut] I will make you the most tolerable roommate of all time! [squeezes Patrick one last time] You'll be my roommate-sterpiece!
Patrick: [holding up his fork] More lard cake, please!
[Bubble transition to Squidward's garden.]
[Squidward pulls out a small purple carrot from the ground. Patrick pulls a much larger orange carrot out of his nose. Squidward gives the orange carrot a blue ribbon.]
[Bubble transition to the two now at a spa.]
[Squidward lifts his tentacles up, which are now shiny. Patrick lifts his two legs up, knocking the lady who was doing his manicure up into the air; he grows two extra legs]
[Bubble transition to the two of them now on top of Patrick's rock with clarinets. Squidward plays his clarinet beautifully, and then Patrick plays his terribly. Patrick then takes a deep breath and releases a sour note from his clarinet, which then punches him in the face, giving him a Squidward-like face. The two of them clink their clarinets]
[Bubble transition to the two now next to a mirror in Patrick's rock.]
Squidward: Hmm... [his head turns into a lightbulb] Aha! [he takes off Patrick's clothes and puts then on his torso.] Mwah.
Patrick: Mwah. [the two then start dancing together]
[Bubble transition to Patrick's rock opening up to reveal a circus tent, labeled "Classy Kiosk". Squidward and Patrick are both playing clarinets. A crowd has gathered around them.]
Patrick: Culture lovers, welcome to the Classy Kiosk!
Squidward: I am Squidtacular, and this is my protege, Patrick Panache!
Patrick: He taught me everything I blow! [plays his clarinet terribly; Squidward gives him a cookie]
Squidward: And now, get ready to...
Squidward and Patrick: Feel the art!
[The two of them start painting the easels nearby. Squidward finishes his paintings, and the audience boos. Patrick finishes his paintings, and the audience is awed. The crowd starts giving Patrick money and take Patrick's paintings]
Squidward: What?! Hey, watch me, everyone! I will now bedazzle your dazzlers with interpretive dance!
[Squidward starts doing some interpretive dance moves, with his last move from the "Culture Shock" episode. After he is done, like in "Culture Shock", a tomato is thrown at his face.]
Patrick: My turn! [he starts doing his own interpretive dance, and after he is done, the audience throws him lots of roses]
Squidward: What the?
Mr. Krabs: [teary-eyed] Who knew that Patrick could dance like an angel? Oh, bravo! Bravo!
SpongeBob: [picking up a tomato] Oh, Mr. Krabs, you dropped this.
Mr. Krabs: [quickly puts the tomato in his shirt, nervously chuckling]
SpongeBob: Patrick Panache! Patrick Panache!
Mr. Krabs: [poking Patrick] You make a better Squidward than Squidward does! [laughs]
Patrick: [imitating Squidward] I do? [laughs like Squidward, then sighs like him; the audience and Mr. Krabs laugh]
Squidward: [slaps Patrick] Hey! Stop making those noises! Those are my noises! [sighs]
[Patrick sighs like Squidward. Squidward makes an angry noise, and Patrick follows. This repeats a few times]
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Patrick is the best Squidward! [raising Patrick's arm; the audience cheers]
Audience member: Hooray! [they then start carrying Patrick]
SpongeBob: So Squidward, what do you think of your new protege, huh?
Squidward: [growling through teeth] New protege? [a steaming thought bubble containing moldy cheese forms above his head] [normally] He stinks! And he's not a better me! He's an impostor!
SpongeBob: Hmm. Well, if Patrick makes a better Squidward, then you'd make a better... [forms a Patrick Star shape with his hands] ...Patrick! [laughs]
Squidward: [scoffs] Yeah, right. I would make a better Patrick. [he has an epiphany] Wait a minute, that's it! That'll teach him! [grabs SpongeBob] Oh, thanks, SpongeBob! [kisses him and runs off]
[the moldy cheese from the thought bubble falls to the ground, and SpongeBob picks it up]
SpongeBob: Oh, wait a minute, Squidward! You dropped your chee- [the stench of the cheese gets to him and a cow moos as SpongeBob falls to the ground]
French Narrator: [reading time card] Zee next morning... [rooster crows and alarm rings]
Patrick: [wakes up and stretches, talks like Squidward] Well, Patrick, time for another lovely day in the flower garden of life. [gets up, and notices that his home is now a mess]
Squidward: [He resembles Patrick, now having a pointy head, only two legs, and wearing Patrick's pants instead of his shirt. He holds a brick.] I love you brick! [smashes his head into the brick] I love you brick! [smashes his head into the brick again] I love you brick! [smashes his head into the brick for a third time]
Patrick: [takes the brick off Squidward's face, talking like Squidward] Squidward, you kelp head, what did you do to my beautiful house?!
Squidward: Define "do". [shoves a Squidward-like Patrick figurine up his nose]
Patrick: [He screams and takes the figurine off Squidward's nose, revealing Squidward's brain on top. He continues talking like Squidward] Don't put my art up your nose, you cretin!
Squidward: [takes back his brain on top of the figurine with his tongue and eats it] I might need that someday. Duh!
Patrick: [talking like Squidward] Ugh... [he puts the figurine on a sand table] I'll play the old licorice stick. That always soothes my nerves. [he opens a clarinet case to see that his clarinet is missing, and gasps]
Squidward: [eats the clarinet] Doesn't taste like licorice.
Patrick: [talking like Squidward] My clarinet! Noo!
Squidward: [spits out clarinet bits] Oh, sorry. You want some?
Patrick: [slaps the clarinet bits out of Squidward's hand with the wooden etiquette spoon, talking like Squidward] Ah-ah-ah. The etiquette spoon came back and he says, 'Eat like a gentleman.'
Squidward: [He eats one of the clarinet valves in a "gentlemanly" manner he learned previously while suddenly hears SpongeBob laughing off-screen.] Umm... ummm... I'm going to go play with my best friend SpongeBob. [laughs like Patrick and runs out]
Patrick: [talking like Squidward] Yeah, you do that. While I take a Pat-nap. [walks to his couch, lays down, and sleeps. Suddenly, he hears laughing coming from SpongeBob and Squidward] What are those ninnies up to now?! [Outside of Patrick's house, SpongeBob and Squidward appear to play in a mud puddle, with SpongeBob blowing a mud bubble.]
SpongeBob: [chuckles] I told you you'd make a great Patrick, Squidward! [Squidward laughs]
Patrick: [opens his window, talking like Squidward] Pipe down, you two!
Squidward: Hey Patrick, hands up! [holds a piece of mud and throws it at Patrick's face]
SpongeBob and Squidward: Bullseye! [both laugh]
Patrick: [talking like Squidward] I said, be quiet, you two, or I'm calling the- [a piece of mud is thrown at Patrick's mouth and swallows it, causing him to return to his normal voice.] Mud... puddle! [Patrick makes noises as he transforms himself back into his original-self] Hi-huh! [He jumps into a mud puddle and splashes the screen]
Squidward: [spits out mud] He's Patrick again! Finally!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward, look! [A helicopter carrying Squidward's new house appears, Squidward transforms back into his original-self, being naked without his pants]
Squidward: It's the new house I ordered! No more Patrick! [The helicopter drops Squidward's house on the ground]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Yeah! [suddenly, Squidward's new house leans over to Patrick's house and they both crumble into pieces]
Squidward: Huh? [He falls into the mud puddle, which covered SpongeBob and Patrick in mud.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Woohoo!
[Bubble transition to a shot of SpongeBob's house in the evening where SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are going to sleep.]
Patrick: [off-screen] Goodnight, SpongeBob. [cut to inside SpongeBob's bedroom]
SpongeBob: Goodnight, Patrick.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Goodnight, Squidward. Mwah. [They kiss Squidward, who then begins to sob uncontrollably, then claps his hands twice to turn off the lights, ending the episode.]