Painting with Squidward/transcript

This article is a transcript of the Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years episode "Painting with Squidward" from season 1, which aired on September 30, 2022.

[The episode opens at the Kamp Director cabin.]
Mr. Krabs: [sighs, approaches calendar, where July 9 is marked with the words "ART SHOW"] Here we go again. [scene zooms out to reveal Pearl sucking on her bottle] Well, Pearly girl, looks like it's time for Kamp Koral's Annual Art Show. We can finally take down last [facepalms] year's abomination. I mean, uh, the winner. [chuckles]
Pearl: Blech! Poopy! [throws bottle at last year's painting, knocking it down from the wall and into the trash can below]
Mr. Krabs: Ooh, Pearly! You put a little English on that pitch! [laughs]
[Paint transition to outside the cabin, where Pearl pours magenta paint on last year's painting. Mr. Krabs holds a megaphone.]
Mr. Krabs: [clears throat, through megaphone] Attention, campers! [campers on a zip-line stop riding and bump into each other, grab onto each other, then fall] Announcing Kamp Koral's Annual Art Show tonight! [anchovies are meditating, and one of them loses balance and falls on their face, and the others follow] Any cabin that's so inclined will have eight hours to create a piece of art [Kevin and Harvey are stuck in a pit of quicksand] that will hang on my office wall.
[Kevin chuckles as he runs out of the quicksand, leaving Harvey behind to sink.]
Mr. Krabs: [through megaphone] I will be the judge, and may the best artist win! [walks into painting] Whoa, whoa, whoa! [painting sticks to him and makes him fall down very deep into the sand, getting up with the painting stuck on his head]
Pearl: [uses megaphone] Art! [voice echoing]
[Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy inside the Dinghy Cabin. They are playing a card game.]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: Hmm...
SpongeBob: Ehh?
Patrick: [holds up card] Uh. [puts down card]
Squidward: [opens door, shouting] Art! [others scream and huddle into a corner, which Squidward approaches] This is my thing!
Patrick: Does your thing involve pain?
Squidward: Yes, my little fishes, the most exquisite pain of all. Artistic pain! Um. [clears throat] This cabin has to win that art contest. [claps twice] Now, let's see what you've got. Show me your art.
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy start running around the room, and bump into each other. They all reach for supplies in different locations, then come back with their finished artwork.]
Squidward: Mm-hmm. [puts on glasses] Hmm. [looks at SpongeBob's painting, which is a four-sided flower] Nice, um, flower.
SpongeBob: It's a sponge painting. Like... [rubs face in painting, giving it his face, giggles]'
Squidward: [looks at Sandy's nutcracker blueprint] Huh. Industrial art? [rolls up blueprint] Soulless. [looks at Patrick's painting, which is abstract] [raises glasses] Hmm. Abstraction?
Patrick: Indigestion. I swallowed some paint and burped on a napkin. [burps on napkin, leaving paint on Squidward's nose]
Squidward: [wipes nose with blueprint, then tosses it onto the floor] It doesn't matter that all your art stinks.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: Aww.
Squidward: Because I'm going to teach you how to be great artists!
SpongeBob and Sandy: Wow!
Squidward: Though, not as great as [points to himself] me. But you'll still be pretty good!
Sandy: [applauding] Yay! [giggles]
SpongeBob: [applauding] Oh!
Squidward: [to Patrick] And what say you, Pig-casso?
Patrick: Uh... [burps paint on Squidward's face, giggles]
[Drawings of various characters fall on screen, transitioning the scene to outside, where Squidward holds up an apple and fruit basket. He puts the apple in the basket on a bench, where SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy are holding a pencil and notebook.]
Squidward: First lesson. A classic of art, the still life. [pointing to fruit] Apple, orange, banana. [holds bowl] A bowl of fruit.
[The trio murmur indistinctly as they begin drawing on their notepads. Squidward takes a peek at what they are drawing and look over SpongeBob, who is drawing Patrick reaching for the fruit basket.]
Squidward: Hmm. SpongeBob, you really should only draw what you see.
SpongeBob: Bu-bu-but.
Squidward: [looks at Sandy drawing an empty bowl] Huh? [burping is heard as he notices Patrick has left his notepad behind, which only says "OUT 2 LUNCH"] What the--out to lunch? Huh?
Patrick: [eating the last of the fruit from the basket, then burps out the peel and core, chuckles] Is there any more art to eat?
Squidward: [grumbles]
[Fruit transition to SpongeBob next to an art easel and some other painting supplies. SpongeBob grabs a fancy painting and uses a paint roller to cover it with white paint. He then grabs a paintbrush as the scene zooms out to reveal Narlene standing on a stump, wearing a robe.]
Squidward: Second lesson. Painting [gestures towards Narlene] from the model. You may disrobe.
Narlene: [chuckles, taking off robe] Ta-da!
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy cover their eyes.]
Narlene: [wearing a red outfit, throws her robe onto Squidward, slaps knee] Ha ha! Made ya not look!
Squidward: [points down] Would the model please pose and stand still?
Narlene: All right. Don't get your [pokes Squidward] knickers in a knot. [wiggles body, then stands in a pose]
[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy all begin painting on their easels. From inside the kelp, Nobby shoots a spitball at Narlene, making her spin and go into a different pose. Nobby then shoots another spitball from inside a hollow log, making Narlene spin again and go into another pose. This happens again, and Narlene struggles to keep balance.]
Sandy: Wa-wait! [looks at her chaotic painting, growls]
[Nobby shoots another spitball at Narlene from underneath a rock, making her spin and change poses two more times. Patrick frantically paints on his canvas, which catches on fire. Nobby now has an entire mouthful of gum in his mouth, and shoots spitballs at Narlene once again, making her constantly change poses.]
SpongeBob: [taking off easels, revealing different Narlene paintings on each] Hmm.
Squidward: [approaching Narlene as she continues being hit with spitballs] All right, that's enough! You're fired!
Narlene: Well, so much for the glamorous life of an art model. [walks off, revealing her butt as she goes through the kelp]
Squidward: I guess I'll have to do it myself. [poses on log] You may proceed.
[The trio begin painting eagerly on their canvases. Squidward gets pelted with spitballs by both Narlene and Nobby, eventually making him spin and twist his tentacles into a pretzel shape.]
Narlene and Nobby: [laugh, then hide in kelp]
[Meanwhile, SpongeBob frantically paints on his canvas. He, Patrick, and Sandy all have their arms in a pretzel shape as they have finished their Picasso-like paintings of Squidward.]
Patrick: Pretzel. [bites his arms] Ow! [chews] Huh, needs mustard. Well. [bites his arms again] Yow!
Squidward: [sighs]
[Pretzel transition to the trio in front of tree stumps.]
Squidward: [holding basket with clay, putting the clay on the stumps] Your final lesson, sculpture. A sculpture need only do two things. Take up space--
Patrick: [raises arm] Wait, I do that! Am I a sculpture?
Squidward: Take up space, and be pleasing to the eye.
Patrick: [points to himself] Yep, I'm definitely a sculpture.
Squidward: [walking] Today, we won't be sculpting from real life. We will be sculpting to express our inner selves. [starts dancing] Open yourself up. Let the world know who you really are. Just as an example, I'll show you who I am. [pulls off cloth from his own tree stump, revealing Nobby to be inside with the sculpture] Huh? [Nobby hops off, revealing a grotesque sculpture vaguely representing Squidward] What is this?
Nobby: [speaking gibberish, digs underground]
Squidward: Hmm.
Sculpture: What a revoltin' development.
Sandy: [sculpting volcano from clay] Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh. [clay volcano erupts] Huh? [clay lava lands on her helmet] Whoa! [eyes emerge from clay] Ugh.
SpongeBob: [poking clay, then begins to sculpt it] My inner self. My inner self. My inner self! [sculpture is revealed to be an anatomic version of himself, and its guts spill out] Hmm? [sculpture melts] Uh-oh. My innards are outards now.
[Camera pans over to Patrick looking at his sculpture, with Squidward next to it.]
Patrick: Hmm. [punches clay, which eventually turns it into a sculpture of him sitting and thinking] Hmm.
Squidward: Huh.
[Patrick punches the clay again to turn it into a clay Krabby Patty, giggles, eats it, then rubs his belly.]
Patrick: [belches, gives thumps up] Art!
Squidward: [eyes turn into first place blue ribbons, which explode] I tried to make them artists. [sadly walks back to cabin] Neptune knows I've tried. I just wanted to share a [sits on steps] modicum of my tremendous talent. That's all.
Sandy: [approaches Squidward with SpongeBob and Patrick] We may not be good at art, but I bet I can make a machine that's good at art.
Squidward: [angrily] A machine can't make art. It has no soul! Oh, [falls to ground] it's over. We can't win. [slithers inside cabin]
Sandy: Hey, what do you say we build a machine and win this contest? [puts hand out] For good old Mr. Tentacles!
SpongeBob: [puts hand on Sandy's] For good old Mr. Tentacles!
Patrick: For good old Musty Tent Tickles! [puts hand on theirs]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: Yay!
[Bubble transition to the Kamp Director camp, where the loudspaker is shown.]
Mr. Krabs: [on loudspeaker, clears throat] Attention, Kamp Koral. [Mo is sculpting Larry's pose from clay, both look ahead] The art show will begin in a few minutes. [Larry sculpture falls apart, cut to Kidferatu painting on a canvas] Artists, bring your masterpieces to the Clampitheater.]
Kidferatu: [hisses, painting flies off]
Squidward: [in room with art supplies, sighs]
SpongeBob: [barges into room with Patrick and Sandy] Counselor Squidward! We did it
Sandy: [all step closer, Patrick steps on Squidward's foot] We made an art-making machine!
Squidward: Ow, it hurts!
Patrick: Oh, is it artistic pain?
Squidward: No, you oaf! You're standing on my [points to foot] tentacle!
Patrick: Oh. [raises foot]
Squidward: Now leave me to my misery.
Sandy: [arms on SpongeBob and Patrick's shoulders] We're gonna turn your mistery into ecstasy. Now give me a hand, boys. [they grab Squidward and pull him out] Yah!
[Outside, Squidward sits on a log.]
Squidward: [sighs, other campers sit on log, cheering]
Perch: [onstage, on mic] Welcome to Kamp Koral's Annual Art Show! And now your host, Camp Master Krabs!
Crowd: [cheering]
Mr. Krabs: [walking onstage with pencil and clipboard] Hmm.
Craig: [lifts weight made from ham, then takes a bite out of it]
Mr. Krabs: What, no gravy? [walks over to Kevin's art piece, which he reveals to be a comic book drawing of Bubble Bass hitting a burglar in the face] Hmm. Cartoons ain't art. [walks over to an anchovy's art, which is a 3x3 grid of different colors of himself]
Anchovy: [steps aside] Meep.
Mr. Krabs: Too "repetit-itive."
Anchovy: [sadly] Meep.
Squidward: [in audience] Hmm.
Perch: [on mic] Here come our next artists!
Mr. Krabs: [writes on clipboard, then looks at Rea and Roh's jewel sculpture of an angler fish] Huh, I knew this guy. Didn't like him then, don't like him now. And he owed me money. [takes jewels from sculpture, leaving it as a skeleton]
Rea and Roh: [gasp, angry] Whoa!
[Preda Tory is seen on an easel, where Pearl is stuck in a cobweb.]
Mr. Krabs: [approaching] Still working, eh?
Pearl: [giggles] Art!
Mr. Krabs: [screams, pulls Pearl out, letting her roam free] Don't you macramé my baby girl! [storms off]
Perch: [on mic] And now, for the final contestants. Squidward's prodigies!
Squidward: [as crowd cheers] Huh? Uh-oh.
Mr. Krabs: [groans as he walks onstage, then sees a giant cloak] Huh? [SpongeBob pulls the cloak from the machine, revealing it] Uh, I don't get it. Is this art?
Sandy: [from underneath machine] No. [slides out] This is the artist. [holds out box, giving it to Mr. Krabs] Take a gander! [pulls out slot in machine, takes items from box, feeding it into the machine] Well, I just feed it the raw materials, and it makes an automatic masterpiece. [digs into box, throwing in the Squidward sculpture, then shuts the slot]
[Sandy pulls a lever on the machine to start it, then cranks a dial from "BAD" to "MASTERPIECE." A piece of art comes out of the other end on a conveyor belt, which Sandy takes and shows to Mr. Krabs. It is the Mona Lisa, but with Mr. Krabs' likeness.]
Sandy: Ta-da!
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] That's... remarkable! [takes painting] It's beautiful! A genuine masterpiece!
Crowd: [all oohing]
Squidward: [groans, walks onstage] Oh, please. Yes, technically, it's a painting. But it has no soul! [slips on painting Pearl is finger painting, falling into the machine]
Sandy: [yells]
[The machine turns back on, and it goes wild, moving along the stage and eating everyone else's artwork. It approaches Mr. Krabs, who kisses his painting goodbye as the machine eats it as well. The machine shorts out as it spits out the final product.]
Mr. Krabs: [taking golden block, inspecting it] Hmm. Well, since it's the only piece left, I guess... [turns around painting to reveal Squidward stuck inside of it] it wins.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: Yay!
Crowd: [cheering]
[Bubble transition to Mr. Krabs in his cabin, writing something down at his desk. Pearl is holding her baby bottle in her stroller. The "painting" is displayed nearby.]
Squidward: [groans inside painting]
Pearl: Art! [throws baby bottle at Squidward, which lands in his mouth] Yah!
Squidward: [spits out bottle, laughs] Art, with a soul! [blows raspberry as the camera irises out onto him, ending the episode]