This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Opposite Day" from season 1, which aired on September 11, 1999.
- [Squidward is sleeping and hears noises. He awakens, revealing SpongeBob and Patrick under his blanket with a sign that reads "happy birthday"]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Surprise! Happy birthday, Squidward! [all three standing in front of a cake] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday cake! [standing in front of a picture of a seahorse and Squidward has the tail] Happy happy birthday! Pin the tail on the seahorse! [surrounded by presents] Happy happy birthday! Happy birthday, Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick run out of Squidward's house]
- SpongeBob: Yeah! So long, Squidward, bye-bye, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Patrick: Another year older. [laughs]
- Squidward: It's not my birthday! [shuts door and takes off party hat] That's it! I'm moving out of this neighborhood!
- Realtor Lady: [looking at a picture of Squidward's house] Absolutely, Mr. Tentacles! [showing the Realtor lady as Patty Rechid from Bikini Realty on phone] I can sell your home in a heartbeat.
- Squidward: Oh, that's great news, because I want to move as soon as possible.
- Patty: No problem! As long as it's not infested with nematodes, or surrounded by troublesome neighbors or something like that.
- Squidward: Oh sure, there's none of that... Did you say "neighbors?"
- Patty: Of course! I can't tell you how many times I've seen a sale fall through because of bad neighbors.
- Squidward: Neighbors. Uhh...
- Patty: Anyway, I'll be by tomorrow to check out the house. See you then! [both hang up]
- Squidward: SpongeBob! No one will ever buy my house with him living next door! Whatever a good neighbor would do, he does the opposite! Opposite... opposite... [Later, SpongeBob is sleeping, but is awaken from Squidward's instrument playing outside]
- SpongeBob: Umm, Squidward, why are you playing that drum? [Squidward stops playing]
- Squidward: Drum? What drum? [puts the drum on the ground and punches a hole in it] This is just my wig case! See? [puts on the wig, kicks the drum out of the way and frolics around] Come on, SpongeBob, tackle me!
- SpongeBob: Squidward! You need bed rest! [pushes Squidward to his house as Squidward is blowing bubbles] I'll keep you safe until you're well again.
- Squidward: Oh, I get it. You don't know what day it is, do you?
- SpongeBob: Uhh, Wednesday?
- Squidward: Why, it's Opposite Day! [SpongeBob is confused] You mean you've never heard of it? Boy, have you been missing out! Opposite Day is the one day of the year when you get to act different! Normally I'm stuffy, boring, but today I'm silly and spontaneous!
- SpongeBob: Does everybody know about Opposite Day?
- Squidward: Oh sure! It's a game! Get it?
- SpongeBob: Oh, a game.
- Squidward: Yeah! Normally, you're really loud and annoying, so what are you going to be today?
- SpongeBob: Quiet and out of the way! Yay!
- Squidward: Yeah! Why don't you get a jump on it.
- SpongeBob: I love... I mean, I hate Opposite Day. [giggles as he runs back into his pineapple] I'm not ready!
- Squidward: So long, chum. [takes off wig] And goodbye, Bikini Bottom.
- SpongeBob: [running to Gary] Gary! It's Opposite Day and I... [stops running] ...walk, don't run. And I'm gonna... opposite... opposite... I'm just gonna crawl into bed and do nothing all day. [crawls into bed] Too bad it only comes once a year, huh, Gary?
- Gary: Meow!
- SpongeBob: Gary, where’s your holiday spirit?
- Gary: [barks like a dog]
- SpongeBob: [doorbell rings] Company! I hate company. Who's there?
- Patrick: It's Patrick!
- SpongeBob: Patrick... go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles, but Patrick cries]
- Patrick: [sobbing] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
- SpongeBob: [opens door] That's right! You're my worst enemy! [Patrick falls to the ground, bawling] Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
- Patrick: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
- SpongeBob: You have?
- Patrick: No! What is it?
- SpongeBob: Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
- Patrick: Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [Patrick holds his breath and turns purple]
- SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, breathe! [He takes a deep breath in and pants] Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way!
- [SpongeBob and Patrick dance across the screen as SpongeBob is pink and Patrick is yellow. Gary eats properly from a table]
- SpongeBob: [eats from Gary's bowl] Meow.
- Patrick: [sitting on newspapers] Meow.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick both blow a bubble, but they blow themselves into bubbles, instead. Patrick pops]
- SpongeBob: Kcirtap yeh. [forwards: Hey Patrick.]
- Patrick: Pu evig i. [forwards: I give up.]
- SpongeBob: Edis etisoppo eht ot teg ot! [forwards: To get to the opposite side.]
- [Both laugh in reverse. Cut back to house]
- SpongeBob: Say, want to help me do some work around the house, worst enemy?
- Patrick: Nope. [He smiles, both laugh]
- Squidward: Nearly noon and not a peep from SpongeBob! [packing his belongings into boxes] I'm almost sorry I'm leaving! [laughs] Opposite Day. [hears noises from outside] SpongeBob, what are you... [screams as he sees both SpongeBob and Patrick destroying SpongeBob's pineapple]
- SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward! Oops. I mean, goodbye, Squidward! Aww, isn't Opposite Day... [giggles] ...terrible? [laughs]
- Squidward: I'll tell you what's terrible! Living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!
- SpongeBob: Wow! That's the nicest thing Squidward has ever said to me! [Squidward facepalms]
- Squidward: [panicked] If the real estate agent sees that mess, I'll never sell this house! [SpongeBob and Patrick look at the destroyed pineapple]
- Patrick: Isn't it beautiful?
- SpongeBob: On Opposite Day it is. [Squidward drives up with a bulldozer]
- Squidward: Out of the way, SpongeBob! [Squidward begins to rebuild the pineapple]
- SpongeBob: I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, [he wraps his arms around himself repeatedly] but that really means he's messing it up. [Patrick is drooling] But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, [Gary meows] Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward which means he's SpongeBob! [SpongeBob wrapped his arms around himself] A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob! By being... [stretches his nose out and puts his belt around the middle of his head to resemble Squidward's head and talks like Squidward] Squidward!
- Patrick: Hey! I wanna be opposite, too! [SpongeBob thinks, then snaps his fingers. He takes a piece of coral and puts it below Patrick's eyes where his nose would be] Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! [dances] I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
- SpongeBob: Wait! It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite... [talking like Squidward] ...you have to act like him, too. Boy, oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long, but I never get any better. [normal voice again] Now you try.
- Patrick: Okay. [takes a deep breath and continues dancing] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward. [SpongeBob dances along with Patrick]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward.
- SpongeBob: [opens door for Patrick] After you, Mr. Squidward.
- Patrick: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward. [walks in]
- SpongeBob: You're quite welcome, Mr. Squidward. [walks in and shuts the door]
- Squidward: [still rebuilding SpongeBob's pineapple] Oh, Opposite Day. Next time, it's going to be "Go Jump Off A Cliff Day!" [as he is building, Patty Rechid drives up]
- Patty: Oh my! The house is even more beautiful in person! [walks up to the front door, knocks on the door. SpongeBob opens it] Hello, Mr... [looks down] Uh... Mr. Tentacles?
- SpongeBob: [talking like Squidward] Yes, please come in.
- Patty: It's funny, I pictured you being much taller.
- SpongeBob: Yeah, everyone says that.
- Patty: Now if you want the sale to go through, you've got to tell me all the positive things about your house.
- SpongeBob: [normal voice] Positive things! Opposite Day... [talking like Squidward] I'd love to. The floor creaks, the roof leaks, there's a terrible draft.
- Patty: Uhh... well, you didn't mention that on the phone.
- SpongeBob: Please, let me finish. The winters are harsh, the summers are brutal. There's a wild man-eating clam in the backyard! [Patty looks at him, shocked] Now, would you care to see the rest of my home?
- Patty: Well, umm, I'm not sure if I'm interested...
- SpongeBob: Nonsense! I won't take no for an answer. [laughs then stops] Please follow me. [both walk into Squidward's art room] And here's the worst room in the house. My gallery.
- Patty: [looks at painting of Squidward] Oh my, this painting is very nice. [Patrick bursts through the painting]
- Patrick: Thank you! [Patty screams and leaps up to the ceiling, hanging onto a beam]
- Patty: Who's that?!
- SpongeBob: I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Squidward.
- Patty: You're both Squidward?
- SpongeBob: I'm Squidward, he's Squidward.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: We're both Squidward.
- Squidward: Well, that's done. At least SpongeBob has been quiet. [sees Patty's boat and screams] NO! [SpongeBob plays Squidward's clarinet badly for Patty]
- Patty: Okay, I really don't want to hear another one.
- SpongeBob: Okay. [plays more]
- Patty: I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
- SpongeBob: I hear you loud and clear. [plays more]
- Squidward: [bursts in] Stop! Get away from her! Oh, oh, I am so sorry, ma'am, I hope these two [turns to them] barnacle heads [turns back to Patty] haven't harmed you in any way.
- Patty: Who are you?
- Squidward: Why, I'm Squidward! [SpongeBob and Patrick pop up in the background. Patty's face slowly turns angry]
- Patty: [stands up from chair] What kind of fool do you take me for?! He's Squidward, he's Squidward, you're Squidward?! I'm Squidward! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?
- Gary: [with a pickle on his face. Imitates Squidward's voice] Meow.
- Patty: [shocked then angry] I'm outta here. [she walks away]
- Squidward: Ma'am, please! What about my house?!
- Patty: I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on earth! [walks out of the house]
- Squidward: Wait!
- SpongeBob: Don't...
- Patrick: ...Go!
- Squidward: [screams, runs out, and holds onto her leg, dragging him, as she is leaving] No, no, no, no, no!
- Patty: Stop! Stop!
- Squidward: Please, sell my house!
- Patty: NEVER!!! [releases her leg, gets in her boat]
- Squidward: Don't leave me here! [falls to the ground, crying. Patty drives off]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [happily walk up to Squidward] Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you! [Squidward seethes with fury, then gets an idea]
- Squidward: Let me show you guys how much I... hate you! [Squidward drives up with the bulldozer chasing SpongeBob and Patrick, they both scream and run away]
- SpongeBob: Patrick, do you ever get the feeling that Squidward likes us too much?
- Squidward: [angry, still chasing them] Happy Opposite Day! [chases them down the street and laughs evilly]