This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Old Man Patrick" from season 11, which aired on February 14, 2018.
- [The episode begins at the Bikini Bottom pool.]
- Kid #1: It's too high. I can't!
- Kid #2: Cannonball! [jumps on the diving board]
- Kid #1: Ohh!
- [The bigger kid jumps into the pool and causes a big wave, splashing everything. A parent puts water wings on her daughter's arms.]
- Water wing girl's mother: Now you've got water wings. Try them. [her daughter flaps her arms and flies up high] Hmm? Huh?
- Water wing girl: Ahh-ahh-ahh! [vanishes in the sky]
- SpongeBob: [playing Marco Polo with his eyes closed] Marco! [touches a swimmer's back]
- Swimmer: Ehh.
- SpongeBob: [opens the swimmer's back] Marco?
- Joshua: [licking his lollipop] No, I'm Joshua.
- SpongeBob: [closes the swimmer's back] Okay, bye. [Patrick is hiding underwater] Marco.
- Patrick: [through bubble as it pops] Polo. [pops out of the water]
- [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
- SpongeBob: Marco!
- [Patrick swims over to a group of senior citizens.]
- Nurse: [blows whistle] Shady Shoals residents, out of the pool!
- Old Man #1: I pooped.
- Clarabelle: Come along, Mortimer. [blinks her old eyes and pulls Patrick out of the pool]
- Patrick: Huh? [notices his wrinkled-up body as an elephant trumpet is heard] Oh. Huh? I'm covered in wrinkles.
- Clarabelle: Oh, we all are, dear. I call them oldie foldies. [flips her flabby arm] Hurry, Mortimer. Shady Shoals is serving prune ice cream today.
- Patrick: Dah! Ice cream, oh, oh! [runs up to the bus, knocking over Clarabelle and an old man] Wait for me! [gets in the bus and it drives away, dragging Clarabelle and the old man in the back]
- SpongeBob: Marco! Marco! [touches Marco's face] Marco?
- Marco: [grumbles and grabs SpongeBob] Yeah, I'm-a Marco! What do you want?
- SpongeBob: Oh, I don't want you. I want Patrick.
- Marco: Then stop a-yellin' my name! [drops SpongeBob and leaves]
- SpongeBob: Ugh. [softly] Marco.
- Larry: [through a megaphone while holding an old man licking a lollipop] Attention, everyone. We found a lost elderly gentleman who goes by the name of Mortimer. Can anyone claim him? [gets no answer and stuffs Mortimer in a lost and found box]
- [The bus drives up to Shady Shoals where it is about to drop the senior citizens off.]
- Patrick: Come on, let's move it! I want prune ice cream.
- Senior Citizens: [gets picked up by Patrick] Ohh.
- [Patrick carries the senior citizens into Shady Shoals and flops to the ground. The senior citizens cheer and Patrick pulls himself together.]
- Clarabelle: Mortimer, ice cream time.
- Patrick: [gets up] Ahh! [pants as he runs to the table, pushes everyone aside and eats the prune ice cream; he belches out the four bowls then starts to feel pain in his head] Brain freeze!
- [Patrick's head opens and his brain is covered in ice and snow. Patrick passes out unconscious on the floor.]
- Nurse: Clear! [zaps Patrick with the defibrillator] Clear! [zaps Patrick's brain with the defibrillator, but his brain ignites fire; she whimpers and backs away]
- [Patrick's brain is burnt to a crisp and the smoke wakes Patrick up.]
- Patrick: Oh. [gets up] Ah. [picks up his brain, squirts it with ketchup and eats it] Brain food.
- [Bubble transition to Patrick knitting a blanket with Mary and Clarabelle.]
- Clarabelle: Eh?
- Mary: Ehh?
- Patrick: [his face is on the blanket] Eh. [rips his face off with the blanket] Oh. [laughs with Mary and Clarabelle]
- [Bubble transition to Patrick, who is getting old and wrinklier at that time, playing shuffleboard with some old men. He gets a turn, but his arm falls off. He and the two old men share a laugh. Bubble transition to Patrick watching an old lady on the verge of dying in her bed. The heart monitor stops beeping and Patrick becomes sad. He puts the blanket over the old lady's head.]
- Old lady #1: Gotcha! [she and Patrick laugh]
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob walking in a dark alley with his eyes closed and still playing Marco Polo.]
- SpongeBob: Marco!
- [Marco grumbles and climbs down the fire escape.]
- SpongeBob: Marco!
- Marco: You! What I tell youse about-a yellin' my name?
- SpongeBob: Ahh! I-I don't remember. Um, sometimes it helps me to remember if I go into a trance. [rubs his head and shows his brain, then a white farmhouse] I'm seeing a small farmhouse painted white. Does that have any significance to you?
- Marco: My parents had a white farmhouse.
- SpongeBob: What's this? A baby has been born. A boy. There is much happiness.
- Marco: That's-a me. I was-a born there.
- SpongeBob: They are about to name the boy...
- Marco: Marco. They named him Marco. It's Marco. Marco!
- SpongeBob: Polo.
- Marco: Ahh! [grabs SpongeBob] If I catch anyone a-yellin' my name again, I'm-a gonna hurt them. [throws SpongeBob away]
- SpongeBob: Whoo-hoo! [screams and lands right in front of Shady Shoals where a sleeping Patrick is now old and wrinkly; gets up] Marco.
- Patrick: Polo.
- SpongeBob: Ah-ha-ha! Found you! Now it's your turn to call Marco.
- Patrick: [wakes up] Do I know you, young man?
- SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me. Remember? [sings his theme song] ♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪
- Patrick: I don't know. Uh, a wizard?
- SpongeBob: [pulls up a tub, jumps in and absorbs the water] ♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪ [spits out the water] Ehh.
- Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- SpongeBob: [plays the final notes with his nose like a flute and laughs] The one and only. Okay, now it's your turn to call Marco Polo.
- Patrick: Whoa-oh, I can't do that. I'm all wrinkled now. I do old stuff. [his forehead and eyebrows fall on his face]
- SpongeBob: Old stuff? Like what?
- Patrick: [lifts up his forehead and eyebrows] Check it out.
- [Bubble transition to old Patrick showing SpongeBob a rocking chair.]
- Patrick: This is called doddering. [slowly dodders to the rocking chair] Oh, here's another thing I do now. It's called gumming. [smacks his gums and lips] Neat, huh? [laughs] Now, uh, this part's really fun. It's called complaining. [grabs Joshua] These kids today, they don't know diddly squat!
- [Joshua's mother grabs her son and drags him away.]
- SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick, those are all great things, but wouldn't you rather go jellyfishing? [holds up a jellyfishing net]
- Patrick: [imagines a jellyfish and it stings him outside the thought bubble] Ohh! No, that hurts.
- SpongeBob: We could build sandcastles. [holds up a toy shovel]
- Patrick: [imagines a sandcastle and someone kicks it in Patrick's neck] It's not structurally sound.
- SpongeBob: Well, how 'bout blowing bubbles? [holds up a bottle of bubble with a bubble wand] Nothing bad about a bubble.
- Patrick: [imagines a bubble and it floats in front of him] Ooh. [it pops in his face] Are you trying to kill me, son?
- SpongeBob: No, I just think we should act our age. [forms a cushion fort and pops out at the bottom] Remember when we used to look forward to rainy days and building cushion forts?
- Patrick: These days, I only look forward to my final exit. [goes into a cushion coffin]
- Clarabelle: Oh, he was too young. [puts flowers on the cushion coffin]
- Patrick: [pops out] No, I wasn't!
- Senior Citizens: No, he wasn't. [climbs in the cushion coffin] We are not young.
- SpongeBob: Come on, people. Just 'cause you're old doesn't mean you're rotting fish. You're still vital, full of life. Fresh.
- Old Man #2: Fresh, you say? Ahh. [his mouth rips off]
- [SpongeBob pulls Patrick and the senior citizens out of Shady Shoals as they sit on a rug. He drags them to a nearby coral tree.]
- SpongeBob: Okay, you young-at-hearters, today you are gonna climb that tree.
- [Patrick and the senior citizens get up and attempt to climb it.]
- SpongeBob: [through megaphone] Yes, yes, that's right! Put those flabby arms to use! Laugh at your lumbago! Cackle at your cataracts!
- [Patrick and the senior citizens try their best but couldn't due to being old and frail. One old man falls down from the branch and crumbles to dust. SpongeBob sweeps the old man up and revives him by watering him with a watering can.]
- Old Man #3: Is it nap time yet?
- SpongeBob: Nope! It's time for the dance party! Everybody on board.
- [Patrick and the senior citizens sit on the rug and SpongeBob drags them away. Bubble transition to dancing arena where SpongeBob attempts to help Patrick and the senior citizens dance.]
- SpongeBob: Are you ready to get down?
- Patrick and the senior citizens: Yeah. [get down on the floor and fall asleep]
- SpongeBob: No, not like that. Like this! [turns on ragtime music]
- [Patrick and the senior citizens stand up and dance to the ragtime music.]
- Patrick: Now-now-now-now you're talking.
- SpongeBob: Now, let's kick it up a hundred notches! [turns on loud dance music] Yeah!
- [The loud dance music causes Patrick and the senior citizens to get heart attacks.]
- Patrick: Oh, what's happening?
- [Patrick and the senior citizens pass out unconscious to the floor.]
- SpongeBob: Oh, uh, clear! [zaps the floor with the defibrillator, reviving Patrick and the senior citizens]
- [Patrick and the senior citizens laugh. He zaps his head with the defibrillator. Bubble transition to SpongeBob dragging Patrick and the senior citizens across the sidewalk.]
- SpongeBob: Isn't it great to get outdoors with the fresh air and sunshine?
- Old Lady #2: Stop this rug! Bunny Buns! Bunny Buns!
- Patrick and the senior citizens: Bunny Buns! Bunny Buns!
- SpongeBob: Bunny Buns? That's a good idea! Nothing makes people feel young like arcade games, grease, and sugar.
- [Inside Bunny Buns, children are riding on kiddie rides, eating pizza, playing arcade games, and swimming in the ball pit. Several kids are watching the animatronic animal stage show. Patrick is whacking the animatronic skunk with his cane.]
- Patrick: You're coming in too fast on the bridge and you're blowing clams! [whacks the robot's head off and lands on a kid's pizza; the kid cries and Patrick listens through an ear trumpet] Now that's what I call jazz!
- SpongeBob: [pushes Patrick away] Ha, ha. So sorry. Let me just take this. [takes the severed robot head and leaves]
- [One old man is playing Bunny Bash while using Joshua as the hammer. Joshua's mom grabs her son and drags him away again. An old couple attempts to eat pizza, but they end up pulling their dentures out.]
- SpongeBob: I can help you with that. [pull the dentures off the pizza slices and stuffs them back into the old couple's mouths] Eww.
- Old Man #1: Hey! [laughs, shakes a soda can and squirts soda at Patrick]
- SpongeBob: Old people, behave!
- Old Man #1: [gets squirted by Patrick] Whoa! [flies into a skee ball machine and comes out in ticket form] 23 skidoo!
- SpongeBob: Oh. [groans as he straightens out the old man]
- Patrick: [screams] SpongeBob! [struggles to swim in the ball pit] I'm drowning! [sinks into the ball pit]
- SpongeBob: I'm coming, Patrick! [jumps into the ball pit and pulls Patrick out]
- [SpongeBob performs CPR and makes him spit out several balls and Joshua. Joshua's mom grabs her son and drags her away again.]
- Patrick: Thanks, old-timer.
- SpongeBob: Oh, you're welcome. What, who are you calling old-timer? [looks at his reflection on the screen of a video game console and sees himself getting old and wrinkly] Whoa. Where have the years gone? [he and Patrick walk slowly together until he falls flat on the floor] I'm losing steam. [spews out steam from his holes]
- Patrick: Wait, hey, man. Don't make a scene in front of all my old friends. [SpongeBob's steam turns Patrick's skin moist and his cane disappears, making him young again] Oh. [looks at his reflection on the screen of a video game console and sees himself young again] Ohh. Now I can't dodder.
- [Bubble transition back to Shady Shoals and SpongeBob is resting on a rocking chair with a heart monitor next to him. Patrick walks up and puts a blanket onto SpongeBob.]
- Patrick: Here you go, old friend. [the heart monitor stops beeping] Huh? [groans in sadness and covers SpongeBob up to his face, thinking he has died]
- SpongeBob: [wakes up and feels young again] Gotcha!
- [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
- Patrick: You got me again. [laughs]
- [Meanwhile, Clarabelle is playing Marco Polo with several senior citizens near the coral tree.]
- Clarabelle: Marco.
- Old Man #3: Polo.
- Clarabelle: Marco!
- Marco: [climbs down the tree] Oh, that's it! I said I was-a gonna clobber the next-a person what-a calls my name!
- Clarabelle: No one clobbers Clarabelle! [flexes her flabby arms and her biceps forms into a scooter with rocket boosters on it; then she gives Marco a knuckle sandwich and sends him flying off distance, exploding on impact] Oh, Marco? [takes out an ear trumpet to hear]
- Marco: [weakly] Polo.