This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "New Fish in Town" from season 7, which aired on January 15, 2011.
- [The episode starts with showing SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward's houses.]
- Squidward: It's finally complete! [shows Squidward in his house at a table] After weeks and weeks of burning the candle at both ends, [voice calms down] literally, [a double-sided, burned candle is shown, and his voice returns in a louder tone] my first clarinet concerto is complete and ready to be performed! [falls at a quake, and his clarinet concerto papers fall in the fire of the double-sided candle] No! [now quaked again] Now, I'm flummoxed. [opens his front door, and he hits his head four times as he yells "Doh, doh, doh, doh." SpongeBob and Patrick are shown hammering a "For Rent" sign]
- SpongeBob: Hit it one more time Patrick. Don't want anyone stealing it. [Patrick hammers the sign into the ground, and it is destroyed to pieces] Perfect.
- Squidward: [grunts angrily] All right, what's going on out here? I can't even hear myself think!
- Patrick: [raises his hand] Oh! Ooh! Can you smell yourself think?
- Squidward: [calmly] No. [raises his voice] As I was saying, you two... [Patrick interrupts]
- Patrick: Or see?
- Squidward: No!
- Patrick: [screams] How, how about taste? Can you taste yourself think?
- Squidward: Shut it! What are you two dingbats doing?
- SpongeBob: We were just posting Patrick's new "For Rent" sign. We worked on it all morning, see? [the sign is shown]
- Squidward: For rent? You mean one of you is moving out?
- SpongeBob: [laughs] No, Patrick here is just gonna rent out his front yard.
- Patrick: Need a little extra cash if you know what I mean.
- Squidward: Wow! To think this day started off so horribly and now... [realizes what Patrick said] What do you mean you're just gonna rent out your front yard?
- Patrick: First come, first, serve.
- Squidward: Oh great, now another idiot can move in.
- SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, that reminds me. Patrick and I are off to Jellyfish Fields for the day. We were wondering if maybe you can stick around and keep an eye out for any takers.
- Squidward: Oh, I would love to. Just let me check my planner. [takes out his planner and looks in it]
- SpongeBob: Oh, thanks!
- Squidward: Oh no, I'm sorry, I can't.
- SpongeBob: Aww, why not?
- Squidward: It's because I was planning to do "No such thing"! See?
- SpongeBob: Oh, well thanks anyway, Squidward.
- Patrick: Yeah, thanks. [Bubble transition]
- Squidward: Well, with those two bonebrains gone for the day, at least now I can finally get some peace and... [everything shakes] ...quiet. [walks outside] Now what are you two boobs up to? I thought you were gonna.. [SpongeBob and Patrick are not there] Huh? Well, if they're not here, then I wonder who could have been making all of that-
- Howard: Hello. My name is Howard.
- Squidward: Hello, Howard.
- Howard: I noticed this "For Rent" sign. Is this yard still for rent?
- Squidward: Sorry, you're too late.
- Howard: Hmmm. Howard is disappointed.
- Squidward: Yeah, well, aren't we all?
- Howard: This looked like it might've been a wonderful place to pursue my passions...
- Squidward: [peeks out the door] Passions?
- Howard: ...painting…
- Squidward: Painting?
- Howard: …playing the bassoon…
- Squidward: The bassoon?
- Howard: ...and enjoying a nice glass of tea in my front yard.
- Squidward: [speaks gibberish] I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. [sighs] Finally, a neighbor with some culture! Oh, I can only imagine! Painting portraits while sipping tea, recumbent bicycling into a museum, playing a duet together at the Bikini Bottom Philharmonic! [sighs again]
- Howard: [leaves] Farewell. I should've known all this was too good to be true.
- Squidward: [stops him] Wait! Don't go! [panting] I was...just kidding!
- Howard: Ok, well, in that case, I should move in right away!
- Squidward: Wonderful!
- Howard: Make yourself at home!
- Squidward: Oh, my. His designs sense are impeccable! [to Howard] Oh-ho-ho, I do feel right "at home."
- Howard: Okie-dok, then. I'd like to propose a toast—to my new neighbor.
- Squidward: New neighbor! [they both toast the tea. Squidward sips the tea.]
- Howard: While we're on the topic, what are the other neighbors like who live around here?
- Squidward: [nervous] Gah, other neighbors! Oh, they're just like any other neighbors, I suppose.
- Howard: Well, that's perfect. I'm the type of person that likes all kinds of neighbors!
- Squidward: That is perfect!
- Howard: Well, as long they're not jellyfishers. [Squidward nearly chokes on his tea] I can't stand living near anybody who jellyfishes. But, luckily, they're not the worst type of neighbor.
- Squidward: [chuckles] Yes, that-that is lucky. [sips his tea]
- Howard: That would be the bubble blowers. [Squidward spits out his tea] Between the jellyfishers and bubble blowers, I just couldn't stand to stay in my old neighborhood anymore.
- Squidward: Well, rest assured Howard, [chuckles] you-you won't even notice the neighbors around here.
- Howard: Well, that's a relief.
- Squidward: Yes, uh, isn't it? [hears SpongeBob and Patrick]
- SpongeBob: La la la la!
- Patrick: La la la la!
- SpongeBob: La la la la!
- Patrick: La la la la!
- SpongeBob: La la la la! [Squidward looks through the window]
- Patrick: La la la la!
- SpongeBob: La la la la!
- Patrick: La la la la! [a jellyfish swims by and starts chasing them. SpongeBob and Patrick run while laughing until they see the mobile house]
- Patrick: SpongeBob, look! There's a mobile home parked in front of my house!
- SpongeBob: Patrick, do you know what that means?
- Patrick: I'm a landlord!
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [holding each other's hands and jumps] All hail the landlord! [laughter]
- Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob?
- SpongeBob: Yes?
- Patrick: Why don't we knock on the door, and meet the new neighbor?
- SpongeBob: Great idea.
- Squidward: Oh no!
- Howard: What's going on? Is somebody there?
- Squidward: [closes the curtains] No, no! There's nobody at all for miles around!
- Howard: Well, are you sure? I thought I heard voices.
- Squidward: Nope, there weren't any voices.
- Howard: Perhaps it's just the other neighbors coming to meet me. We'd better open it up and have a look.
- Squidward: I can't let you do that!
- Howard: [chuckles] Well, of course you can. They're your neighbors, too.
- Squidward: No! You really don't wanna go out there, trust me! [jerks on Howard's arm harder and harder]
- Howard: You're hurting my arm!
- Squidward: [lets go] Oh! I'm sorry, Howard. I was just hoping you and I could, um…
- Howard: Could, what?
- Squidward: Could, um, uh, take advantage of this peace and quiet and perform a little duet. Together. Just two of us. With each other. You know, you on bass on, me on clarinet. Together.
- Howard: Why, that's a splendid idea. I'll get some sheet music.
- Squidward: Wonderful! [looks through the curtains]
- Patrick: Did you see the way those curtains jerked shut?
- SpongeBob: Yeah. Our new neighbor must be really shy.
- Patrick: Well, Maybe we should just come back and meet him later.
- SpongeBob: Yeah, besides, we have more pressing things to attend to—like this jellyfish we've befriended and this brand new bottle of bubbles!
- Squidward: Phew! That was close.
- Howard: And a one and a two... [they both play on their instruments]
- Squidward: [in thoughts] Squiddy, this is absolutely the best day of your life! [SpongeBob and Patrick are heard laughing]
- Howard: Perplexing. I could've sworn I just had this thing tuned.
- Squidward: Uh, that's me! I think this reed needs replacing. Excuse me for a moment! [runs and builds a fence around Howard's house] There! Now, where were we?
- Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look! Our new neighbor must be even shyer than we thought!
- SpongeBob: Yeah. [a bubble pops and a jellyfish stings Patrick. They both laugh]
- Howard: There it is again.
- Squidward: [laughs nervously] Excuse me one more time! [builds a wall of cinder blocks as more laughing is heard.] Just a second. [runs outside and paints zippers on SpongeBob and Patrick's mouths] Now, uh... where were we? [SpongeBob and Patrick unzip the zippers and laugh. Squidward climbs in a bulldozer and pushes SpongeBob and Patrick's houses off a cliff. SpongeBob and Patrick run after them and jump off the cliff. Squidward then comes back inside] I'm back.
- Howard: [angrily] What is going on? Are you hiding something?
- Squidward: [nervously] Why, Howard, I would never hide anything from you!
- Howard: Stand aside! [SpongeBob and Patrick are shown jellyfishing and blowing bubbles] Repulsive! Somebody's got to stop these pesky bubble blowing jellyfishers!
- Squidward: [crying] Wait! Please, Howard, don't go! You're the only ray of sunshine I've had here in years!
- Howard: I'm sorry. It's too late, Mr. Tentacles!
- Squidward: Oh, dear Neptune, no!
- Howard: [to SpongeBob and Patrick] You there! [pops a bubble] Hey! [pops another bubble] That was actually kind of fun! Maybe it's time I stop being so stuffy and loosened up for a change!
- Squidward: What the...?
- Howard: [proceeds to join in on the fun with Spongebob and Patrick]
- Squidward: I may be able to handle two lame-brained boneheads, but I draw the line at three! [angrily knocks out the brick and Howard's trailer rolls away]
- Howard: My house! [runs after it and jumps off the cliff] I knew it was too good to be true.
- Squidward: [sadly as he holds a piece of the broken sign] Well, I almost had a decent neighbor.
- SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. We can cheer you up. [blows a bubble]
- Patrick: Go on. Pop it!
- Squidward: Pop it? Me? Well at this point, what have I got to lose? [bubble floats away] Hey, come back here, you bubble! [bubble floats over the same cliff and Squidward jumps off of it] Jellyfishing bubble blowers!