This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Neptune's Spatula" from season 1, which aired on April 1, 2000.
- [The episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick browsing through Fry Cook Museum, "ooh"ing and "aah"ing at every rare item they see.]
- SpongeBob: Behold the ultimate cooking utensil, the golden spatula!
- [Larry tries to pull the spatula out]
- Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, look what it says here. [reads plaque] Many have tried to pull the spatula from this ancient grease, but all have failed.
- Larry: [Grunts as he fails and flies backwards. The golden spatula springs back into place.]
- SpongeBob: Only a fry cook worthy of King Neptune himself can wield...
- SpongeBob and Patrick: ...the golden spatula. Wow!
- SpongeBob: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Take a picture of me and the spatula! [SpongeBob runs up to the spatula and grabs the handle] Okay, I'm ready! [Patrick is about to take a picture]
- Miss Shell: Excuse me, do you know where the menu section is?
- [Patrick gets confused and drools]
- Patrick: Uhhh...
- SpongeBob: Menu section? That's easy, it's over that way. [SpongeBob points to the menu section, accidentally pulling the spatula out, and gray clouds appear above him] Uh-oh.
- Miss Shell: [deep voice] Holy smokes! [runs away]
- Patrick: Rude. Hey, the light changed.
- SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick...
- [lightning bolts strike]
- Patrick: Hold on, almost there. [Takes a picture. The clouds open as a mysterious figure comes out that is known as]
- King Neptune: Yes, yes, at last! Someone worthy of being the royal fry cook. Who has freed the spatula from the grease?
- SpongeBob: [nervous] Uhh, I did, Mr. Neptune, sir. SpongeBob SquarePants.
- King Neptune: [laughs] A fine jest, boy. You are but a lowly yellow sponge.
- [As King Neptune insults SpongeBob each time, SpongeBob goes droopier, 3x]
- King Neptune: Puny, insignificant, a commoner. Therefore, you could never be fry cook to a god and this is why it is funny! [laughs] Now step aside as I seek out the true fry cook. [searches for the real spatula taker] No, no. Mmm-hmm, you're too short, no... [soon comes up to a hot dog stand] Ah!
- SpongeBob: But, but...
- King Neptune: A purveyor of foods. [chuckles] Yes, you must be my new fry cook.
- Hot Dog Vendor: Uhh, sorry, King Neptune. I don't make them. I just sell them.
- King Neptune: Then who pulled out the spatula?
- Hot Dog Vendor: Uh, he did. [points to SpongeBob]
- King Neptune: [everyone laughs with Neptune] It is even funnier a second time! [destroys the hot dog stand with his fist] You there, crustacean!
- Larry: Who, me?
- King Neptune: You have the physique of Atlas!
- Larry: [laughs] Thanks, I work out.
- King Neptune: [laughs] Make poses with me!
- Larry: Okay!
- Larry and King Neptune: [show off their muscles] Body slam! [body slams each other]
- King Neptune: You pulled the spatula from the grease!
- Larry: Nope, that was SpongeBob.
- [SpongeBob smiles]
- King Neptune: This joke has gone far enough! Where's my fry cook? [Everyone runs away except Patrick] Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know who can flip a burger to suit a royal palate!
- [Patrick points to SpongeBob]
- King Neptune: What?! Am I expected to believe this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof?
- [Patrick shows the photo he took of SpongeBob holding the spatula]
- King Neptune: Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the royal tail fin! And besides, it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle. There are certain... qualities that a royal fry cook must have.
- SpongeBob: Like?
- King Neptune: The royal fry cook must be, er, left-handed.
- SpongeBob: Actually, I've got two. [shows two left hands]
- King Neptune: [snaps fingers] Also, the royal fry cook wears the red underwear. [SpongeBob shows his red underwear] No, blue. [SpongeBob shows his blue underwear] Uh, the royal fry cook's wallet contains... [SpongeBob takes out his wallet] His big toes are... [SpongeBob gets ready to show something about his foot] Uhh, he has six...
- Patrick: [contempt] He is the new royal fry cook and you-
- King Neptune: [shouting] Silence! [zaps Patrick, burning him]
- Patrick: Is it hot in here or what? [falls over]
- SpongeBob: [gasp] Patrick! You hurt my friend! You're not a king, you're a bully and a liar!
- King Neptune: [grabs SpongeBob] So, little one, you think you have what it takes to be my fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You shall be tested with a challenge!
- Patrick: [faint, down below] [mocks Neptune again] Bring it on! SpongeBob can handle any- [Patrick gets zapped again, burned even more] Ouch.
- King Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.
- Patrick: [mocks Neptune again] Only two? One or two challenges to someone like Sponge-? [Patrick gets zapped again]
- King Neptune: Three challenges!
- Patrick: Three? [laughs contemptuously] [mocks Neptune with sarcasm] Three challenges are nothing. It might as well be... 500 challenges!
- King Neptune: Enough! [Patrick gets zapped into ash]
- Patrick: [weak] He'll settle for one...
- King Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in: The Ultimate Cook-Off!
- SpongeBob: I will accept your challenge if you fix my friend.
- King Neptune: Ah, yes, the round one. I shall restore him. [Patrick gets zapped to normal]
- Patrick: SpongeBob? SpongeBob?! [turns around as we see that his face is now on his bottom] SpongeBob? Oh, there you are!
- SpongeBob: How you feeling?
- Patrick: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?
- King Neptune: And now, see the fate that may lie ahead.
- [King Neptune summons the clouds]
- King Neptune: For if some minute chance you meet the challenge, your reward will be great. [opens the clouds] Behold! [shows a live-action man taking a shower, who sees the audience and backs up screaming; Neptune quickly closes the portal and chuckles sheepishly] Hehe. Whoopsie! Now, behold! [opens the clouds again and shows the city of Atlantis] My beloved home of Atlantis. A prize worthy of Apollo. You will reside here in this glorious palace, cook only for me, and be a god!
- Patrick: Hey, that sounds pretty good.
- King Neptune: But if you should not succeed, you must give up fry cooking... [leans at Spongebob] ...forever! [goes back] What do you say?
- SpongeBob: I'm ready.
- King Neptune: Very well then. To the Poseidome!
- [King Neptune produces lightning, taking them all to the Poseidome.]
- Mr. Krabs: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ultimate Cook-Off!
- [Everyone cheers]
- Mr. Krabs: All right, mates. First to a thousand patties wins. Shake hands.
- [King Neptune and SpongeBob shake hands. Neptune zaps SpongeBob's arm, disintegrating it.]
- SpongeBob: [regrows his hand] May the best man win.
- Mr. Krabs: Go back to your corners and when the bell sounds, come out cooking! [talking to SpongeBob] Don't worry, lad, I have total confidence in you. [Mr. Krabs brings a lot of money to place a bet] Put it all on Neptune!
- SpongeBob: I'm not good enough to cook in Atlantis, Patrick. [Patrick massages him.] I should have never taken the challenge.
- Patrick: Don't give up on your dream, SpongeBob! People used to tell me: "Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds." Well, just look at me now.
- [Bell dings]
- Patrick: [jumping] Go get 'em, tiger!
- [King Neptune starts making his burgers and so does SpongeBob. Upon beginning, King Neptune summons two seahorses from the sky, which dress him with his apron. SpongeBob puts his Krusty Krab Hat on.]
- [King Neptune makes his very quickly with help from sea creatures and his magic. SpongeBob takes his time going through each important step to make sure his patty comes out right. King Neptune summons large amounts of wheat from the ground and zaps them into buns. SpongeBob takes out a store-bought bag of buns.]
- [King Neptune summons the vegetables, and summons swordfish to slice them all. SpongeBob makes sure a tomato is perfectly aligned. He carefully slices the tomato with the golden spatula, accidentally slicing too thin.]
- [King Neptune zaps the patties on a grill, frying them instantly, while SpongeBob rubs sticks to create a fire. King Neptune uses magic to flip hundreds of patties all at once. SpongeBob patiently waits for the patty to cook above the campfire.]
- [King Neptune tail-slams the ground to launch all the ingredients into the air. He then uses magic to assemble the hundreds of burgers. King Neptune laughs while the burgers rain down behind him. SpongeBob puts ketchup on two pickles to apply faces on them. He applies a cheese "blanket," and "good-night kisses" a pickle slice.]
- SpongeBob: [reading a bedtime story to the pickles] Once upon a time...
- [King Neptune still laughs, while the burgers assemble in a giant pyramid. SpongeBob puts the top bun on his one Krabby Patty.]
- SpongeBob: Perfect!
- [In the end, the score is King Neptune: 1000 and SpongeBob: 1]
- King Neptune: I win!
- [The crowd cheers, including Mr. Krabs. SpongeBob takes his hat off in defeat.]
- King Neptune: Loser! [Chuckles] Free patties for everyone!
- [Everyone chews a bite out of the patties that King Neptune made and they spit it out immediately]
- King Neptune: Fools! Have you no taste buds?! There's nothing wrong with these, they're delicious! [sniffs one] Ooh.
- Audience: [Everyone complains different complaints that King Neptune needs to try one of his burgers] You can eat it all, come on! Too chicken to eat his own burger! Chew it! Why don't you eat it? Try it! Eat it! Eat it!
- King Neptune: [hesitates in taking a bite and then throws his burger away in anger] Okay! Mine's no good. But what makes you think his will be any better? [King Neptune grabs a patty from SpongeBob] Give me that!
- [King Neptune eats it in anger, then chews it slowly as he begins to like it]
- King Neptune: Mmmm. Why it tastes so good, I think I'd like to try it a second time!
- [King Neptune spits it out and eats it again; the crowd groans in disgust.]
- SpongeBob: So, uhh, what do you think?
- King Neptune: Yours is superior. Therefore, [bows to SpongeBob] ...I concede to you, SpongeBob SquarePants, you win.
- [The crowd cheers]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah! [both dancing] We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis!
- King Neptune: [laughs]
- SpongeBob: What's so funny?
- King Neptune: You, SpongeBob. That repulsive thing in my palace?
- SpongeBob: You mean, Patrick can't come?
- King Neptune: [laughs] No, of course not.
- SpongeBob: And my friends?
- King Neptune: Ah, the only friend you need, my dear boy, is the royal grill.
- Patrick: [crying and wiping his tears with a tissue] It was nice knowing you, buddy!
- [Mr. Krabs cries]
- SpongeBob: [pats Mr. Krabs' claws] I know, Mr. Krabs, I'll miss you, too.
- Mr. Krabs: I lost me bet!
- King Neptune: [luggage appears next to SpongeBob] Come, SpongeBob, grab your things! It's time to depart... [a two-seater bike appears] ...to Atlantis! [rings bell and pats Spongebob's seat]
- SpongeBob: I... I... [cries] I don't wanna go!
- King Neptune: It's too late now. I can't live without your burgers! [grows giant] You're going to be a god and like it!
- [King Neptune zaps SpongeBob and he becomes a muscular god. But being the same size, he looks a little strange]
- King Neptune: Maybe we do have a problem.
- SpongeBob: [in a booming voice] Wait, Neptune! I have another idea! [summons lightning]
- [Cut to the outside of the Krusty Krab. Patrick walks in the Krusty Krab, his face still on his bottom]
- Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew.
- SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick. What'll you have?
- Patrick: Uhhh... [drools stupidly]
- [SpongeBob writes Patrick's order on the notepad. King Neptune screams, drawing SpongeBob's attention.]
- SpongeBob: Can you excuse me?
- King Neptune: The accursed stove has burnt my finger! Feel thine own wrath, stove! [uses his powers to zap the stove] Haha!
- SpongeBob: [in a stern voice] What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?
- King Neptune: [Sighs. Embarrassedly puts arms behind his back.] Uh... Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.
- [SpongeBob smiles, ending the episode.]