This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Naughty Nautical Neighbors" from season 1, which aired on August 7, 1999.
- Squidward: Wow. Squidward, this is the best soufflé you have ever created. [kisses his hand] Congratulations, chef! [gets dressed, takes a shower, gargles, and brushes his teeth. He re-enters the scene in a tuxedo and sits down at the table. He hears laughter from outside. He goes to the window and notices that SpongeBob and Patrick are playing with bubbles. SpongeBob whispers into a bubble and it floats over to Patrick and pops]
- SpongeBob Bubble: Hi, Patrick.
- [Patrick giggles as he was about to blow a bubble. He eats the bubble and whispers into another bubble, sending it over to SpongeBob where it pops]
- Patrick Bubble: Hi, SpongeBob.
- [SpongeBob giggles and Squidward, now annoyed, blows a bubble of his own from the liquid of his soufflé with a fork. SpongeBob whispers into another bubble]
- SpongeBob: [whispering into bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.
- [the bubble floats over but is kicked when Squidward's bubble approaches, popping SpongeBob's bubble. Squidward's bubble floats over to Patrick and pops]
- Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.
- [Patrick frowns and blows a bubble, sending it over to SpongeBob]
- Patrick Bubble: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?
- SpongeBob: [whispering into the bubble] Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes can see that. [the bubble floats over to Patrick and pops, followed by another bubble floating back over to SpongeBob]
- Patrick Bubble: Yeah? Well, I think you're ugly. [another bubble comes over and pops] Yellow is ugly! [two other bubbles, but smaller, float over and pops, both containing raspberry noises for SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: [talks into the bubble, puzzled] Patrick, what are you talking about?
- [The bubble floats over to Patrick. Another bubble of Squidward's bubbles floats over to SpongeBob and pops]
- Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. [SpongeBob gasps] You give bottom dwellers a bad name.
- [Squidward creates several other bubbles and they float over to SpongeBob]
- Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!
- [Squidward laughs. Another bubble floats over to Patrick]
- Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Hey, Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop... as some newspaper!
- Patrick: [stands up and yells at SpongeBob] Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!
- SpongeBob: [stands up and yells at Patrick] Yeah, well, that means that, uhh... so are you!
- Patrick: Right, you're a turkey!
- SpongeBob: What's that? [Squidward arrives outside with a lawn chair and his soufflé]
- Patrick: It's what you are!
- [Squidward begins to laugh hysterically at SpongeBob and Patrick's arguing.]
- SpongeBob: Well, you're a bigger one!
- Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?
- SpongeBob: What?
- Patrick: You are!
- SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? Well, it doesn't matter what you call me, 'cause I never wanna see you again anyway! [he goes inside through the back door and turns around] Aww, tartar sauce! [shuts door]
- [Patrick angrily opens his rock, which closes and comes up sounding like an accordion. ]
- Squidward: [Laughs at Patrick. Puts the soufflé and fork in his mouth.] [Continues laughing. Moves his tentacles around in laughter, then lies back in laughter accidentally swallowing the fork and choking on it. Chokes on the fork repeatedly and his skin turns to a deep shade of blue as the letters "K" and "O" appear in his right eye and left eye respectively and flashes appears. Squidward passes out and drools]
- Patrick: Wow, Squidward, you're choking! [runs over to Squidward] Uhh... uhh, I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh, well. [he takes a deep breath and performs CPR on Squidward. As he is doing this, each one of Squidward's tentacles suction cups pops up. Eventually, the fork comes out and Patrick catches it] I win!
- Squidward: Wow! Patrick, you saved me!
- Patrick: I did?
- Squidward: Yup! You're a real lifesaver, friend! [shakes Patrick's hands]
- Patrick: Friend? [holds Squidward] Friend...
- Squidward: [uneasily] Yeah, Patrick, we're friends... [steps back] just friends. [they both notice SpongeBob is gazing from his window with a blank stare]
- Patrick: So what are we gonna do tonight, best friend? [walks with Squidward over to the Easter Island head]
- Squidward: Well, I was going to practice my clarinet solo.
- Patrick: Clarinet? I love music!
- [inside the pineapple, SpongeBob watches the two go inside Squidward's house]
- SpongeBob: Ahh, who needs them? They're no fun anyway, right, Gary? [Gary is sleeping inside his shell] Gary? [knocks on his shell]
- [cut to Squidward's]
- Squidward: Squidward will be performing his version of Solitude in E minor.
- Patrick: [sitting on a bench while clapping] Yeah! E minor! All right! Yeah! [Squidward takes a deep breath and plays a note, and Patrick immediately falls asleep, to the annoyance of Squidward. Scene cuts to SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: Ah, what am I worried about? I got plenty of friends! I can name three right off the bat! [he holds up three fingers] Uhh... [he draws faces on each finger with a broken smile] The gang's all here... [he looks at the faces on his fingers, and his eyes well with tears] Ohhh!
- [Squidward is dragging Patrick, who is still asleep, outside. Suddenly, after a few feet, his back gives out]
- Squidward: Ow! My back! I threw out my back!
- SpongeBob: [sees Squidward in pain] Oh, boy, now's my chance! [jumps out of the window]
- Squidward: SpongeBob? No, no, stay back!
- SpongeBob: [running] Don't worry, Squidward! I'm coming!
- Squidward: No, no, no, get away from me!
- SpongeBob: Hang on! I'll save you! [rips off his suit revealing a speedo underneath]
- Squidward: [tries to get to his door] No, no! Get away from me! No, no!
- SpongeBob: [jumps off a diving board] Hold on!
- Squidward: No, no! Get away! [screams as SpongeBob dives into his back cracking it back into place] Oh! I'm ruined! I'm... I'm... I'm... I-I feel great! Thanks, SpongeBob! You're a real friend! [SpongeBob smiles big]
- SpongeBob: Friend...
- Squidward: N-no, no, no, I didn't mean that, no-no.
- SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squiddy, old pal. That's what friends are for. [Squidward and SpongeBob walk into the Easter Island head] So dumb Patrick fell asleep on ya, huh? Some friend. A real friend would perform for you!
- Squidward: You play?
- SpongeBob: Are you kidding? I've been playing bassinet for years! [he takes one from the wall] Give me an A, buddy! [Squidward plays a note and SpongeBob sings] Squidward is my best friend in the world. [grates strings with bow] Squidward is my best friend in the sea...
- [The bow flies into what looks like Squidward's head and he screams. Fortunately, it turns out it's just a painting; the real Squidward pulls the bow out and growls as he snaps it in half with his knee]
- SpongeBob: [now playing with his fingers like a guitar] Squidward...
- Patrick: [pops in through the window] Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob. [SpongeBob slams the window in Patrick's face] Oh!
- SpongeBob: [strums harder before slamming the bass to the floor] And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer! [smashes the bass] Umm, I can fix this. [Squidward is steaming red in fury]
- Squidward: Grrrrrryehhhhherrrryeh! [he kicks SpongeBob out]
- SpongeBob: ...So, uhh, I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward! Call me!
- Squidward: Yech! That was disgusting! I feel like I need to scrub myself. [opens up the curtain and screams after he sees Patrick in his tub]
- Patrick: Hey, buddy. I warmed it up for ya. [shows him a brush and soap]
- Squidward: Patrick! Get out! And put some clothes on! [SpongeBob peeks in through the upstairs window]
- SpongeBob: What's the matter, Squidward, old buddy? [notices Patrick in the bath-tub] Oh, ho-ho! So this is what I find, huh?! My best friend and my ex-best friend and... [shown bath toys] ...rubber bath toys!
- Patrick: [simultaneously] Oh, yeah?! Well, he was my friend first!
- SpongeBob: [simultaneously] You're just a backbiting, backstabbing silly blob of...
- Squidward: [screams] This can't be happening to me! [He runs away. SpongeBob and Patrick stop their arguing as they notice Squidward's gone]
- SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward!
- SpongeBob: Buddy!
- Patrick: Squidward, where are you?!
- SpongeBob: Where'd ya go, friend?
- Patrick: Where are ya, ol' buddy?
- Squidward: [hiding in a trash can] Oh, this is nuts! I need a plan to get those two back together and outta my hair!
- SpongeBob: [reading a magazine as the doorbell rings a letter is pushed under the door. Then he smells it] Squidward. [opens it] A dinner party? I'd love to! [SpongeBob knocks on Squidward's door and Squidward opens it] Did you miss me?
- Squidward: Come on in! You look stunning. [shuts door]
- SpongeBob: I'd much rather dine with you than that lousy... [gasps when he sees Patrick] Say, what gives?! I'm not sitting near that maniac!
- Patrick: Me neither! This was a setup!
- Squidward: I thought you two were my best friends.
- SpongeBob and Patrick: I am your best friend!
- Squidward: [takes out a bottle of soda] Well, how about some soda, guys? [SpongeBob shows him his glass]
- SpongeBob: Yes, please! [Squidward gives him some soda] Thanks, friend. [flicks Squidward's nose] [drinks]
- Patrick: How about some for your best friend? [SpongeBob puts his glass in front of Patrick's, so he gets the soda instead of Patrick]
- SpongeBob: Thanks, best friend! [drinks]
- Patrick: Can I have some now, buddy?
- SpongeBob: Wait, I need some more! [pours SpongeBob another glass]
- Patrick: I still didn't get any! [SpongeBob gives Patrick his soda]
- SpongeBob: There ya go. More please! [Squidward fills his glass as SpongeBob drinks it really fast]
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Hey, Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward! [shows Squidward his glass again, but it's still full] Squidward!
- Squidward: Patrick! Your glass is full!
- Patrick: Oh, yeah...
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Hey, Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Hey, Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Hey, Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- SpongeBob: [shows Squidward his glass] Squidward!
- Patrick: [shows Squidward his glass] Hey, Squidward!
- SpongeBob and Patrick: [both show Squidward their glasses] Squidward!
- Squidward: Sorry, boys, I'm all out of pop. I'm gonna go get some more. [walks away] Why don't you just stay here and chat? [closes door. Then we see SpongeBob and Patrick. They are extremely fat and not wanting to look at each other. Then SpongeBob hiccups and a bubble floats up and pops that sounds like a burp. Both of them laugh and the entire house is full of bubbles as Squidward walks up to his door with a grocery bag. Then an explosion and crashing sounds are heard] I should just walk away right now. [opens door to find his house destroyed] What a surprise... I invited them in, and I left them alone. Well, Squidward, what have we learned today? [pieces around the door break]
- SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward? [both hug]
- Patrick: Me and SpongeBob are friends again!
- Squidward: Great, now go be friends somewhere else.
- SpongeBob: Don't you want us to help you clean this up a little?
- Squidward: No! Out! [both walk out]
- SpongeBob: Psst, I think he's jealous.
- Patrick: How pathetic. [Squidward shuts door hard and when he turns around as a bubble comes and pops on the door which causes the door to fall on his back]
- Squidward: Ohhhhh, my back.