Mid-Season Finale/transcript

This article is a transcript of the The Patrick Star Show episode "Mid-Season Finale" from season 1, which aired on July 22, 2022.

[The episode begins at nighttime outside the Star house. A neon sign on the house reads "Mid-Season Finale." Two full bleachers of fish are to the sides of house, while some children stand on the red carpet and take pictures.]
Perch Perkins: Welcome to The Patrick Show mid-season finale! I'm Perch Perkins, coming to you live from the pink carpet. Here come the stars now! [a submarine-like limousine crashes into him] Patrick and Squidina Star, that is! [gets whacked by the limousine front door. Patrick and Squidina, who is wearing a yellow, white, and brown hat that resembles SpongeBob, appear and enter the pink carpet] Guys, tonight all your fans are itching to know just one thing. What are you wearing? [falls over]
Patrick: I'm wearing SpongeBob's underpants. [chuckles. The scene shows a grotesque close-up of his stomach]
Squidina: And I'm wearing SpongeBob. [a red bowtie appears on her hat. SpongeBob's hair and face pop out]
SpongeBob: I'm haute couture. [laughs]
[Two paramedics carry Perch on a stretcher in the background. Two babies show up to Patrick and Squidina and take pictures, who look surprised and then grin at each other. Patrick raises his eyebrows. They spin around and do three poses, then walk down the carpet and wave. Patrick trips over a bump and crashes into Squidina, rolling through the door of the house.]
Door: And now, everyone's favorite silly siblings, Patrick and Squidina!
[The door splits apart as Patrick and Squidina fly through it, then land behind a changing curtain. They change into tuxedos and wheel out, still on clothing racks. They ride up to the stage and bow, revealing mannequin heads behind them. The audience cheers.]
Patrick: [staged, nudging Squidina] You know, Squidina, I can't believe it's been a whole mid-season already!
Squidina: I can't either, big brother, but I'd like to give a shout-out to [takes out a piggy bank] our allowance for making this show possible.
[The piggy bank grins and winks as the audience cheers and applauds.]
Patrick: And don't forget, sis, coming up later, we have a big, surprise celebrity guest!
Audience: Ooh!
[A hook drags Patrick and Squidina off-screen.]
Patrick and Squdina: Whoa!
[Patrick comes down from the ceiling, wearing a space suit and suspended from a rope. Squidina sits on a cardboard moon hoisted by two ropes. Star decorations hang in the air.]
Squidina: This is so cool, Patrick. Why did we come all the way up here to the moon? To explore and collect samples?
Patrick: No, I had to fart.
[Patrick farts, inflating himself and his space suit. Squidina looks exasperated. Someone off-screen laughs and throws a tomato in Patrick's face.]
Squidina: Huh? [looks to the balcony]
[GrandPat and Grandma Tentacles are sitting in a balcony seat.]
GrandPat: That'll teach you to tell stinky jokes!
Grandma Tentacles: What a shame. The Patrick Show has really gone downhill since the first three episodes.
Audience: [disappointed groans]
[Patrick groans and wipes the tomato off his face.]
Squidina: Looks like it's time for a showstopper!
Patrick: Okay. You asked for it! Here's Bunny Star and her trained tattoos!
[Patrick and Squidina disappear, and a floral backdrop appear. Crabina and Fentin wheel in Bunny, who is standing on a marble podium and has tattoos all over her body.
Bunny: [laughs, shakes her body]
[We see a close-up of tattoos of a sailor and an island girl on Bunny's body.]
Sailor: So, you come here often?
Island girl: All the time. I'm stuck here just like you, idiot.
[The tattoos begin losing balance. Bunny is shaking more.]
Bunny: Whoo! Whoo! Coochie-coochie-coo!
[The tattoos fall of her body. Bunny covers herself.]
Bunny: Oops!
[GrandPat throws a tomato at Bunny.]
GrandPat: Boo!
[The tattooes mumble angrily and run off.]
[Cut to a live-action shot of a sign reading "Fred's Diner." A Patrick in a mascot suit roller-skates past, laughing, but falls backwards into a dumpster.]
Mascot Patrick: [echoing] I'm okay!
[Cut back to the Star house. Slappy walks on-stage.]
French Narrator: And now, Slappy's Poem Corner.
[A spotlight shines on Slappy. He takes out garbage and covers himself with it, while reciting a poem.]
Slappy: How do I smell thee? Let me count the ways. Whether it's funky or just kind of ripe, everything stinks and decays.
GrandPat: Just like this show! [he and Grandma Tentacles laugh]
[A female version of Slappy, named Slippy, walks onstage.]
Slippy: I like your smell.
Slappy: Really?
Slippy: It's revolting.
[They giggle and walk off the stage together, as the stench cloud forms into a heart. It hits GrandPat and Grandma Tentacles.]
GrandPat: I told you this show stinks!
[A rimshot plays and the audience laughs. Cut to two paintings on a wall backdrop. Pearl appears from behind one.]
Pearl: Hey, Squidina!
Squidina: [opening other painting] Yeah, Pearl?
Pearl: Can you keep a secret?
Squidina: [rubbing her hands together] Ooh, I sure can!
Pearl: Good! So can I!
[Pearl pulls on a zipper and zips her lips, and Squidina grumbles in frustration. They close the paintings. Sandy appears from under a rug on the floor.]
Sandy: [calling] Oh, Flying Dutchman?
[The Flying Dutchman appears from under another rug, holding a newspaper.]
Flying Dutchman: Yes, my dear?
Sandy: Why were you reading the obituaries this morning?
Flying Dutchman: Just checking to see who's single!
Sandy and the Flying Dutchman: Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!
[The FlimFlam Brothers, as ghosts, stomp on the rugs and laugh. Two tomatoes are thrown at them, but go through their bodies. The brothers laugh at GrandPat and Grandma Tentacles.]
GrandPat: Ya haunted hucksters!
Grandma Tentacles: Boo!
[Cut to a dresser. Patrick's head comes out of a drawer.]
Patrick: Today's magic word is--
[Squidina runs up to the drawer and closes it.]
Squidina: Don't say it!
[Patrick hangs upside-down from a tree branch.]
Patrick: Today's magic word is--
[Squidina comes from a flower cloud and puts her hands over his mouth.]
Squidina: Don't say it!
[Patrick is sitting on the outside of the house.]
Patrick: Today's magic word is--
[Squidina opens up the dome and puts her hand over Patrick's mouth.]
Squidina: Don't say it!
[Patrick says something, which travels through Squidina's arm and causes her to speak.]
Squidina: [in Patrick's voice] Explosion!
[The screen explodes. Patrick is gone, and Squidina is covered in ash.]
Squidina: I told him not to say it.
[Cut to a black-and-white landscape.]
Woman's voice: [calling] Tinkle?
[Tinkle jumps onto a rock and begins panting.]
Man's voice: That's Tinkle!
[Tinkle is barking at a cowboy Fred, who is next to a well.]
Fred: What is it, boy? Did somebody fall in the well?
[Tinkle bites Fred and causes him to jump in the well. He hits the bottom, and a water splash appears.]
Fred: My leg!
Tinkle: [barking]
[An old-timey Mr. Krabs runs up.]
Mr. Krabs: What is it, boy? Did someone fall in the well?
[Tinkle bites Mr. Krabs' behind, causing him to jump and fall in the well.]
Mr. Krabs: [pained] Oh, me carapace...
Tinkle: [barking]
[A cowboy Old Man Walker appears.]
Old Man Walker: What is it, boy? Did someone fall in the well?
Tinkle: [growls]
[The scene cuts to TV static. Next, multiple Patricks are seen in a dressing room, sitting on a couch: normal Patrick, a caveman Patrick, a barbarian Patrick, Pat-Tron, and a jester Patrick.]
Patrick: [humming]
[The Goofy Manager opens the door, holding a clipboard and wearing a headset.]
Goofy Manager: You're on next, Pat!
Patricks: [get up from couch] I'm ready to sing!
Goofy Manager: I'm sorry. I meant Caveman Patrick.
Patrick: How come he gets to go next?
[The Patricks begin fighting each other.]
Goofy Manager: Forget it! You're all fired! [motioning] Bring in the dancing Patricks!
[Various Patricks in ballet outfits run in, twirling and dancing. A tiny ballet Patrick follows.]
Small ballet Patrick: [giggling] Jeté!
[The scene cuts to Plankenstein's castle. SpongeMonster appears on-screen.]
SpongeMonster: What did the electric general say to his battery army?
Plankenstein: Chaaarge!
[Plankenstein pulls SpongeMonster's nose down, causing them to get electrocuted.]
SpongeMonster and Plankenstein: [laughing]
[Cut to an Indian-head test pattern, with Patrick in place of the head. He adjusts his bowtie and his circle gets bigger.]
Patrick: Remember to stay turned for our special celebrity guest.
[Two plunger darts hit the screen, one landing on Patrick's face. The audience laughs.]
[Cut to more TV static, then Cecil and Bunny in front of the house.]
Bunny: Oh, wow, honey. I never thought our son would go so far!
Cecil: Yeah. Now let's see how far our daughter goes.
[Squidina is in a catapult. Cecil pulls the rope, but gets flung himself. They crash somewhere off-screen.]
Squidina: I'm so proud of them!
[The time closet moves across the screen, showing caveman Patrick, Caveman Jenkins, a pterodactyl, and Squidasaurus Rex all standing at podiums. Text saying "Guess What Me Thinking?" scrolls across the screen.]
Audience: Guess What Me Thinking?!
Caveman Patrick: We play game! [hits head against podium, creating a ding sound] You! Guess what me thinking! [hits head with club twice]
[Caveman Patrick thinks, and a thought bubble with a bunch of gray squiggles inside of it appears.]
Caveman Jenkins: What that? Is food? No. Is mud? No. Is subatomic nuclei? No. If pressed to guess, me say snakes! [takes his club and bashes the thought cloud, and snakes come out] Snakes!
Caveman Patrick: Is correct!
Caveman Jenkins: I win!
[The pterodactyl eats Caveman Jenkins, and Squidasaurus Rex eats the pterodactyl.]
Caveman Patrick: Uh, you win?
[The time closet moves across the screen, showing Cecil and Bunny in Victorian outfits, standing in front of a large mansion.]
Cecil: I love you, Antoinette, like the fluttering sea-fly loves the morning's first dung.
Bunny: Oh, Louis, you know I can't resist poetry.
[They kiss, and the audience goes "awww." Squidward walks up, wearing a helmet and holding a newspaper bag.]
Cecil: The check is in the mail, kid!
[Cecil shoves his powdered wig into Squidward's face, creating a smoke cloud, and runs away. Squidward chases him.]
Squidward: Give me my money, you cheap-o!
[A mime imitates pulling a rope, acts surprise, and then goes up to Bunny and tries to kiss her.]
Bunny: Fresh!
[She swats the air, which causes the mime to act like he has been slapped. He falls over, holding a flower.]
[After another time closet transition, we see the audience cheering. On stage, Patrick dances in place anxiously.]
Patrick: I can't wait anymore, Squidina! When are we gonna reveal our big celebrity guest?
Audience: [excited] Ooh!
Squidina: But that's our finale's finale! We can't do that yet!
Audience: [disappointed] Awww!
[Admiral Smash steps onstage, holding a letter on his sword.]
Admiral Smash: Message for Patrick Star!
[Patrick takes the note and reads it.]
Patrick: Huh? Wow! It says here I finally passed my clown exam! [laughs]
[A robot hand puts Patrick in a green and blue shirt, another puts a multicolored wig on him, and another puts a clown nose on him.]
Patrick: I'm a clown now!
Squidina: Congrats, big brother! I love clowns!
[Patrick throws a pie in Squidina's face, sprays her with seltzer, and honks a horn at her twice. Squidina is upset. Admiral Smash returns, holding a notecard.]
Admiral Smash: Message for Squidina!
[Squidina grabs the note and reads it.]
Squidina: Huh? What a coincidence! I just passed my evil ventriloquist dummy exam!
[Squidina morphs into an evil dummy and puts on a top hat, then takes out an axe. Her eyes turn red.]
Patrick: Uh-oh.
[Squidina chases Patrick around the stage, laughing evilly.]
GrandPat: Clowns aren't funny! I can't believe we're related!
Grandma Tentacles: [pokes GrandPat] Boo to you! I love evil ventriloquist dummies, you dummy!
GrandPat: So it's mutiny, eh? [takes off sweater] Okay, then. I challenge you to an air battle! [flaps arms]
Grandma Tentacles: Well, flap away, Flabby! [slaps his arm, causing it to droop]
[Grandma Tentacles walks away. GrandPat growls in anger. She runs into her teakettle house. The Star and Tentacles houses begin steaming, then take off and go into the air. The audience cheers.]
GrandPat: How 'bout some coffee with that tea?
[He pours hot coffee into Grandma Tentacles' dome.]
Grandma Tentacles: That tea took three hours to brew!
[She flies above him. GrandPat looks confused.]
GrandPat: Huh?
[Large scones drop out of Grandma Tentacles' house.]
Grandma Tentacles: Eat scones, ya flabby pappy!
GrandPat: Uh-oh!
[A scone knocks his house down, crashing into the set. Grandma Tentacles' house lands smoothly.]
Grandma Tentacles: [exits house] Thank you! Thank you so much!
GrandPat: [charred and smoldering] Baby, you're the greatest!
[They hug as the audience cheers.]
Patrick and Squidina: And now, the magic of time-lapse photography!
[Upbeat music plays as a montage of construction workers repairing the house appears. After a few seconds, it is completely fixed.]
[Cut to Patrick and Squidina sliding onto the stage.]
Patrick and Squidina: Whee!
Patrick: Woo-hoo!
Squidina: Ready for our big ending, big brother?
Patrick: I'm ready! [sadly] But I forgot where I put it.
Audience: [sadly] Awww.
Squidina: Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere.
[Patrick and Squidina begin looking around the stage.]
Patrick: Ending! Here, ending!
Squidina: Here, ending, ending!
Patrick: Ending!
Squidina: Come on, ending!
Patrick: Come on, ending, ending, ending!
Squidina: Come out! Come out!
[GrandPat rides by on his scooter. A surf rock song begins playing. Patrick and Squidina ride past the stage, the dressing room full of Patrick's, the Guess What Me Thinking? show, the Victorian mansion, and then crash into the couch in the living room.]
Male singer: [singing] Where are you, ending? Where are you, ending? We're all looking for you! Where did you go? Our finale's pending without an ending! If we can't find it, we can't end the show! Yeah!
[Patrick comes out of the couch with the TV remote stuck in his mouth. He spits it out and picks it up.]
Patrick: Hey! Why don't we just fast forward to the end of the show and get to the celebrity guest?
Squidina: Great idea, Patrick!
[Squidina takes the remote and fast forwards, leading to static. We see Captain Doug Quasar firing his laser gun at an ant-like monster. After more static, we see a grayscale shot of a man in a monkey mask with jungle music and monkey sounds playing. After more static, the end of "That's Tinkle!" is shown, with a lot of people crammed in the well as Tinkle howls. More static appears, and Squidina is seen on stage, holding the remote towards the screen. Patrick is slumped over with a vacant expression.]
Audience: [disappointed] Awww...
Squidina: Well, where's the big celebrity guest?
[Another Patrick runs on stage, exhausted and sweating.]
Patrick: [panting] I'm sorry I'm late! I was locked in the bathroom!
Squidina: Wait a barnacle. If you're the real Patrick, then [points to the other Patrick] who are you?
[The other Patrick removes his head and reveals Bootsy Collins' live-action head sticking out of Patrick's body.]
Bootsy Collins: It's me, Bootsy Collins, baby. And I'm just filling in for Patrick, yeah.
[Patrick enthusiastically shakes Bootsy's hand.]
Patrick: Why, thank you, internationally famous celebrity person!
Bootsy Collins: Today's magic word is...
Squidina: Don't say it!
[Cut to the exterior of the building, where Patrick's family, Grandma Tentacles, and the audience all say the line.]
Everyone: Explosion!
[The building explodes. The audience laughs, and Squidina is the only thing left, standing in a smoking crater.]
Squidina: I told 'em not to say it.
[After an iris out on Squidina, the scene cuts back to Fred's Diner at night. The mascot suit Patrick rises from the dumpster, holding balloons and throwing confetti as spotlights shine.]
Mascot Patrick: [laughs] Oh, I can see my house from here!
[The scene cuts to the word "END." written in a blue font on a black screen. The audience cheers.]