Mid-Life Crustacean/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Mid-Life Crustacean" from Season 3, which aired on January 24, 2003.

[Mr. Krabs wakes up in his hammock in his bedroom. The radio clicks on]
Radio DJ: You've got it tuned to K-O-L-D, K-Old, your all-oldies station. Here's a little something you may remember from the good old days.
♪You're old... Groaning like a geezer♪ [Mr. Krabs opens his eyes, which are crusty and coated in barnacles] ♪Feel yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been♪ [Mr. Krabs gets out of bed with all his joints cracking when he moves] ♪Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins♪ [Mr. Krabs looks in his bathroom mirror. He pulls down his shirt to show a bunch of chins] ♪'Cause you're old...♪ [scene cuts to the kitchen. Mr. Krabs sits down at the table as Pearl comes in]
Pearl Krabs: Good morning, Daddy. [gives him a kiss] I made you breakfast.
Mr. Krabs: Thank you, sweet pea. I see you got creative with the bran today. [looks down at the plate to see his bran shaped as bacon, eggs, juice, and others]
Pearl: Open up, it's time for the pill. [Pearl takes out a giant pill]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, barnacles! I hate the pill. [Pearl shoves the giant pill in his mouth and he swallows it] Pearl, do you think I'm... old?
Pearl: Well, of course I do! But that's okay. Daddies are supposed to be old.
Mr. Krabs: But I'm still cool, right? Your old man is cool?
Pearl: See, no one says cool anymore. That's such an old-person thing. Now we say "coral," as in, "That nose job is so coral."
Mr. Krabs: Coral, eh?
Pearl: Eww, when you say it, it sounds so uncoral.
Mr. Krabs: Well, what if I said it with a different inflection? Co-ral.
Pearl: Don't you have to go to work or something, Dad?
Mr. Krabs: Whoop, you're right! [eats his breakfast] Have a coral day, honey.
Pearl: [picks up her phone and dials] Jenny? It's Pearl. "Coral" is definitely out. [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs walking outside]
Mr. Krabs: Ha! Old? What was I thinking? I ain't old. Huh? [turns around to see a boy helping him walk across]
Boy Scout: Don't worry, Pops, we're almost across the street.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, get away from me. I don't need no snot-nosed little... [as he walks away, his arm comes off. Walks back to get it] Sorry you had to see that. [keeps walking to work where a fish is walking behind him]
Harold: Come on, move it! Could you be any slower? And you've had your blinker on for the last five blocks. [Mr. Krabs turns around and notices he has two signals on his behind, the right arrow is blinking, so he covers his behind. He continues to walk until a ball rolls next to him]
Tyler: Hey, mister, could you throw the ball back over here?
Mr. Krabs: [picks up the ball] Hey, how's about I join you kids?
Tyler: Uhh, that's okay. You can keep it. Why do old people always have to ruin the fun? [Mr. Krabs drops the ball. He walks up to a line of elderly fish]
Elderly Fish #1: Hey, no cutting! You gotta wait your turn in line like everybody else! [Mr. Krabs notices a long line in front of the Bikini Bottom Cemetery]
Mr. Krabs: No! No! I ain't old like you! I ain't old! I ain't old! [runs away]
Elderly Fish #2: What's his problem? [the line is for ice cream]
Lou: Next? [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is sitting a table depressed]
Timmy: Mommy, my Krabby Patty tastes funny.
Mother: Well, no wonder. It's all old and dried out. Like that man right there. [points to Mr. Krabs] Now put that thing where it belongs... in the garbage.
Timmy: ♪La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la...♪ [Timmy walks up to the trashcan, but Mr. Krabs grabs his patty before he can get there]
Mr. Krabs: Well, little patty, we're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster. [takes a bite out of the patty] Hmmm, so that's what I taste like.
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew! [SpongeBob pokes his head out of the kitchen window]
SpongeBob: [shouts] Hey, Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?
Patrick: [shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!
SpongeBob: Are you ready to go crazy?
Patrick: I'm already hearing voices!
SpongeBob: Are you ready to...?!
Squidward: [yelling] SpongeBob! Patrick! Do you mind?!
SpongeBob: Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick. I think some people are eavesdropping!
Patrick: Well, how rude of some people!
Mr. Krabs: Hmmm, those youngsters are going out for a big night on the town. [stretches his eyes into the kitchen where SpongeBob and Patrick are talking]
SpongeBob: Whoo! I've been looking forward to this night all week!
Patrick: Party!
SpongeBob: What do you think we should do first?
Patrick: What shouldn't we do first? We're young, [Mr. Krabs' eyes move a little closer] we've got wheels, [Mr. Krabs' eyes move closer] the world is our oyster! SpongeBob, you got something on your shoulder. [SpongeBob notices Mr. Krabs' eyes are on his shoulders]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, boys, hanging out?
Patrick: [looks at his large belly] Yes.
Mr. Krabs: I couldn't help overhearing your big plans. And I was wondering if you had room for one more craaaaazy dude tonight, huh?
SpongeBob: Of course. Did you wanna come with us, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hadn't even crossed me mind. But, sure, I'll go!
Patrick: I don't know, SpongeBob. He might cramp our style.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [appear in a picture with a goofy look on them] Style!
Patrick: Let's see if he knows the secret cool-guy handshake. [holds out his hand]
Mr. Krabs: Uhh, yeah, course I know it! [begins to sweat] Uhh... uhh...
Patrick: I'm waiting... old man.
Mr. Krabs: [shakes Patrick's hand] Uhh... how do you do?
Patrick: Fine, and you? All right, you're in. But I'm not happy about it.
SpongeBob: You passed the test, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Great! Why don't you boys show up at my house at eight o'clock?
SpongeBob: I just wanna warn you, Mr. Krabs. We're always fashionably late.
French Narrator: 8:01 PM. [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' house. The doorbell rings]
SpongeBob: Hey there, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready to party?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Patrick?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to par- [Pearl runs by them]
Pearl: Stop it, just stop it! You're embarrassing me, Dad! [sobbing]
Mr. Krabs: So, what kind of hot rod will we be cruisin' in tonight?
SpongeBob: Only the most powerful chick magnet in town. The Underwater Heartbreaker. [we see a bike with two streamers on each handle]
Mr. Krabs: It's more like a chick repellent. And there's only two seats.
SpongeBob: Calm your waters, Mr. Krabs. I modified this little baby myself. [scene cuts to SpongeBob & Patrick riding at the front of the bike, while Mr. Krabs is in a wagon behind them]
Mr. Krabs: Are you sure this is what the kids are driving these days?
SpongeBob: Only the cool kids. [a hot rod, driven by a young teen, pulls up beside them]
Hot rod fish: Hey, you guys must be lost. Doofus Drive is around the corner!
SpongeBob: We're not lost, I've got my compass. [shows him the compass]
Hot rod fish: So long, dorks! [speeds away]
SpongeBob: Goodbye, pals!
Mr. Krabs: We used to beat people up for saying things like that! Everything's all topsy-turvy now. [they pull up to "The Wash"]
SpongeBob: Here we are: The Wash.
Mr. Krabs: They sure are giving these clubs some crazy names! I have to tell you boys... I'm a little nervous. I haven't been, you know, on the scene for quite a while now.
SpongeBob: Just follow our lead, Mr. Krabs. And, above all, keep it cool.
Mr. Krabs: Cool. Gotcha. [SpongeBob and Patrick walk away jumping up and down in a goofy way. Mr. Krabs does the same]
SpongeBob: [opens door] Hello, gang! SpongeBob's back!
Patrick: Let's party!
Mr. Krabs: Any port in the store—! Wait a minute...this is a Laundromat. [scene shows the entire room is a place to do your laundry]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [all three looking at their reflections in the washer] Oh yeah, whoo! That's what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah! Yeah, the colors! whoo! [washer stops]
SpongeBob: You guys want another rinse cycle? I'm buying.
Mr. Krabs: You know, I love staring at delicates as much as the next guy, but it's just that I thought we'd see more of the nightlife. Something that'll give you that wild and crazy hot-blooded feeling, if you know what I mean.
SpongeBob: Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Krabs. This is only stop numero uno on our night of debauchery!
Patrick: Debauchery!
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery! [scene cuts to the road where all three are picking up trash] Debauchery? I never thought of picking up trash under the highway as hot-blooded, but if it's what the kids are into...
SpongeBob: So, are you feeling that wild and crazy feeling, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Not yet.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, you will. [scene cuts to all three in a kiddie swimming pool] Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm feeling a warm spot.
Patrick: Sorry. [scene cuts to them riding kiddie rides outside Barg'n Mart]
SpongeBob: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it?
Patrick: I'm feeling it, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [off-screen] Patrick, that's not a ride. [Patrick is riding on Harold's back]
Harold: Get off of me! [scene cuts to them getting their teeth pulled]
SpongeBob: Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? [scene cuts to them redoing a roof] Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? [scene cuts to them dressed in costumes playing Dungeons and Dragons] Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? [scene cuts to the library] You're feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
Miss Shell: [pops out] Shhh! [scene cuts to a place called "Bunny Buns," an area for kids to play in]
SpongeBob: How about now? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? [kids in the room around running around Mr. Krabs, hanging on his hat streamers. Mr. Krabs has clown make-up on his face]
Kids: Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: So, you wanna know if I can feel it?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Do you really wanna know if I can feel it?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah, yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Because I can feel it! You wanna know what I'm feeling?
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yes!
Mr. Krabs: [angry] I'm feeling like a total barnacle head! [swings the screaming kids around and around then off his hat] You think this is cool?! [jumps on a bunny and punches its head off] How about this?! [jumps on top of the bunny] And this? Am I with it now? [runs up to SpongeBob and Patrick] You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the end! I'm going home. You guys ain't cool, you're lame!
SpongeBob: [sadly] Lame?!
Mr. Krabs: Lame! You're nerds! Geeks! Creeps! And babies!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Not babies! [both suck their thumbs]
Mr. Krabs: I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night! So good night to ya!
Patrick: I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Mr. Krabs: The what?
Patrick: I said, I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Mr. Krabs: Panty raid? You're talking about girls, right? "Girl" girls?
Patrick: Yeah.
Mr. Krabs: And you're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right?
Patrick: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Well, count me in! If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two being lame!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [happy] Not lame! [scene cuts to the three of them carrying a ladder]
Mr. Krabs: Now this is more like it! [lean the ladder against a house]
Patrick: Give us some credit, old man. We're panty professionals! [climbs the ladder]
SpongeBob: We score here all the time. [all three tiptoe into a bedroom. Mr. Krabs opens a drawer and takes out a pair of panties]
Mr. Krabs: Frilly things! We hit the jackpot! [everyone jumps up and down]
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [holds up the pair of underwear he got] You finally came through for me, boys! I feel young again! [light turns on]
Mama Krabs: Eugene?
Mr. Krabs: Mother?
Mama Krabs: What are you doing with my bloomers?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I, uhh, uhh, heh, [hides his mother's bloomers behind his back] hehe... [turns around to SpongeBob and Patrick] Why didn't you tell me this was my mother's house?!
SpongeBob: Why didn't you ask? [both run away. Mr. Krabs turns around to see his mother angry]
Mr. Krabs: [he giggles nervously then he hides his mother's bloomers behind his back] But it was all SpongeBob and Patrick's idea!
Mama Krabs: Go to your room, mister. You're grounded for the rest of the night!
Mr. Krabs: [walks away] Yes, Mommy. [boy scout from earlier is walking with Mr. Krabs]
Boy Scout: Don't worry, Pops. We're almost to your room. [Mr. Krabs groans. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs' bedroom. SpongeBob peeks through the window]
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: [sighs] That's all right, lad. I certainly feel younger. [scene zooms out revealing Mr. Krabs is lying on his racecar-shaped bed among a few toys]
SpongeBob: Good night, Mr. Krabs. [leaves]
Mr. Krabs: Good night, SpongeBob.
Mama Krabs: [outside. We see SpongeBob leaving] Eugene, lights out!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy. [light turns off]

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