This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy V" from season 3, which aired on June 1, 2002.
- Narrator: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. [we see a long line to the Krusty Krab] In a familiar restaurant, in a familiar part of town, a call goes out in frustration.
- Frank: Will you hurry up?
- Narrator: A call that would normally be answered by Bikini Bottom's semi-retired champions... if they weren't the ones causing the problem.
- Mermaid Man: Let's see... I want a... no. [shows a brief shot of Krusty Krab Menu] I want a... [camera returns to Mermaid Man] uh, no, uh, hmm...
- Squidward: Sir, will you please order already? You're holding up the line!
- SpongeBob: [whispers in Mermaid Man's ear] Psst. Hey, Mermaid Man, get a Krabby Patty.
- Mermaid Man: I've made my decision!
- Line of customers: Hooray!
- Mermaid Man: One Krabby Patty for me, and a Pipsqueak Patty for the boy.
- Barnacle Boy: Now, wait just a darn minute!
- Line of customers: Aww!
- Barnacle Boy: I don't want a Pipsqueak Patty! I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty!
- Mermaid Man: The Krabby Patty is too big for you. You'll never finish it.
- Barnacle Boy: Don't you see what you're doing? You're treating me like a child!
- Mr. Krabs: The boy's eyes are bigger than his stomach! [everyone starts laughing]
- Barnacle Boy: And that's another thing, I'm not a boy! I'm so old, I've got hairs growing out of the wrinkles on my liver spots! [removes his hat to show a hair popping out on the wrinkles on one of his liver spots]
- Squidward: [snickers] One Pipsqueak patty... [close up of the patty. He shows a bib and a highchair] and your bib and highchair. [everyone laughs again]
- Barnacle Boy: I'm 68 years old and I want a Krabby Patty!
- Mermaid Man: Your Pipsqueak is getting cold. Shall I feed you?
- Barnacle Boy: Feed this, old man! [slaps the Krabby Patty out of Mermaid Man's hand]
- All except Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Ooh!
- Barnacle Boy: I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra! From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!
- SpongeBob: I respect you, Barnacle Man!
- Barnacle Man: That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!
- SpongeBob: Evil?
- Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick: Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]
- Mermaid Man: Evil!
- Barnacle Man: I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]
- Mr. Krabs: Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]
- Dirty Bubble: Did someone say evil?
- SpongeBob: Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle Man gets in the villain car]
- Barnacle Man: Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]
- Mermaid Man: Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]
- Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your bleak and meaningless lives for this special news break. [Man Ray zaps a building] Man Ray, [Dirty Bubble grabs a local bank while snickering] the Dirty Bubble, and now, playing for the dark side, Barnacle Boy...
- Barnacle Man: Barnacle Man!
- Realistic Fish Head: ...have been committing a series of crimes throughout Bikini Bottom. [shows Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, and Barnacle Man ding-dong-ditching and snickering]
- Barnacle Man: Shh! [rings the doorbell and run off, while laughing]
- Senior Citizen: [opens door] I'll get you crazy kids!
- Realistic Fish Head: These three have named their new alliance: [their logo is shown] Every Villain Is Lemons, otherwise known as E.V.I.L.! What can we do? When will this crime wave end? How will we defeat the evil? Why am I asking you all these questions? Mermaid Man, where are you? [Mermaid Man zones out again, so Mr. Krabs slaps him again]
- Mermaid Man: Huh? I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [he receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [MM licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.
- Barnacle Man: [E.V.I.L. is shown as ice cream men] You might as well give up, Mermaid Man. There's three of us and only one of you. You don't stand a chance. [drives off]
- SpongeBob: [runs to Mermaid Man with Sandy, Patrick, and Squidward] Are you okay, Mermaid Man? Oh, how are you gonna beat those three guys all by yourself?
- Mermaid Man: You're right. [sits down] I give up.
- SpongeBob: You can't give up. What if we help you?
- Mermaid Man: No, no, that's a terrible idea. But what if you help me?
- SpongeBob: Okay!
- Mermaid Man: Who wants to save the world?
- SpongeBob: I do!
- Sandy: I do!
- Patrick: I do!
- Squidward: I don't.
- Mr. Krabs: [confronts Squidward] Oh, yes, you do! No world means no money! Now, go save the world, or you're fired! [runs back to the Krusty Krab; Squidward grumbles]
- Mermaid Man: Then it's settled! To the Mermalair! [Transition to the Mermalair]
- SpongeBob: Wow! The Mermalair!
- Mermaid Man: These costumes belonged to the original International Justice League of Super Acquaintances!
- SpongeBob: Wow! The I.J.L.S.A. were the most heroic heroes ever! And you had the best lunch box, too.
- Mermaid Man: Once you put on these costumes, their fantastic powers will become yours!
- Sandy: Wow, I didn't think super powers worked that way.
- Mermaid Man: Sure! Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
- Squidward: I can think of three good reasons.
- Narrator: [SpongeBob is running at lightning fast speed in his costume] The Quickster... with the uncanny ability to run really... quick!
- The Quickster: Wanna see me run to that mountain and back? [doesn't move] You wanna see me do it again?
- Narrator: [Squidward is wearing his costume] Captain Magma... get him angry and he's bound to erupt!
- Captain Magma: Krakatoa! [lava shoots out, licks his hand, then puts his thumb on his rear, while making a sizzling sound]
- Narrator: The Elastic Waistband... able to stretch his body into fantastic shapes and forms! [Patrick, in his costume, stretches his whole body really long]
- The Elastic Waistband: I can finally touch my toes! [stretches his toes over the back of his body and to his hands]
- Narrator: And Miss Appear... now you see her... [Sandy disappears in her costume] now you don't.
- Miss Appear: Does this outfit make me look fat?
- Narrator: The International Justice League of Super Acquaintances! A subsidiary of Viacom.
- Mermaid Man: So, it's agreed. We'll get one cheese pizza, one with pepperoni and mushrooms, and one with olives.
- Chief: Super Acquaintances, we need your help.
- The Quickster: Holy halibut! It's the chief!
- Chief: Thank you for the introduction, Quickster, but we all know who I am! More to the point, we've got news on the whereabouts of E.V.I.L.
- The Elastic Waistband: The whose-abouts of what?
- Miss Appear: You just tell us where they are, Chief, and we'll hog-tie 'em faster than you can say "Salsa Verde."
- Chief: Our sources last found E.V.I.L. harassing teenagers up at "Make-Out Reef." You know, Make-Out Reef? [makes out with himself] Whoo hoo hoo!
- The Quickster: Flopping flounder, Mermaid Man, Make-Out Reef!
- Mermaid Man: Those fiends! Attacking hormonally stressed-out children!
- Captain Magma: Ah, Make-Out Reef. Good times, good times.
- Mermaid Man: To Make-Out Reef, [chair falls backwards] away!
- The Elastic Waistband: Does this mean we're not getting pizza? [scene cuts to Make-Out Reef at night. E.V.I.L. is pointing a flashlight at two fish]
- John & Nancy: Stop, please!
- E.V.I.L.: John and Nancy, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
- Dirty Bubble: Oh! [points at a car] Shine the flashlight in that car, Man Ray!
- Man Ray: Haha, with pleasure! [shines the light on Sandals making out with a pillow]
- Sandals: Hey man, that's not cool. [E.V.I.L. snickers until Mermaid Man appears]
- Mermaid Man: Leave those young lovers alone!
- Man Ray: Well, if it isn't Milk Maid Man! You've saved us the trouble of tracking you down!
- Mermaid Man: You fiends can't win! You're outnumbered!
- Man Ray: You senile bag of fish paste! There are three of us and only one of you!
- The Quickster: [runs up at super-fast speed from behind and stops next to Mermaid Man] Make that two!
- Man Ray: The Quickster?!
- Captain Magma: [blasts up and flies like a rocket over the villains and joins the two heroes] Three!
- Barnacle Man: Captain Magma?!
- The Elastic Waistband: [stretches far from behind and joins the three heroes] Four!
- Dirty Bubble: The Elastic Waistband?!
- Miss Appear: [appears next to the group of heroes] Five!
- E.V.I.L.: M-M-Miss Appear?!
- Mermaid Man: And that makes ten! I think.
- Man Ray: Uh-oh.
- Dirty Bubble: I don't have a good feeling about this.
- Barnacle Man: Oh, there goes our toy deal.
- Mermaid Man: Super Acquaintances, attack!
- Barnacle Man: Oh no, please, mercy!
- Captain Magma: Krakatoa! [lava shoots out onto The Quickster]
- The Quickster: Ah! Ah! Ah! Get it off! [starts running in a circle fast] Get it off! Get it Off! Get it off! Get it off!
- The Elastic Waistband: I'll save you, Quickster! [stretches his arms to try and save Quickster, but ends up getting caught, and flies out with his arms overstretched. The villains look at each other in confusion]
- Mermaid Man: I'll cool you off, Quickster, with one of my water balls! [creates a water ball with his hands and concentrates, but targets Captain Magma instead] Aha!
- Captain Magma: Huh?! No, no, no, I'm not the Quickster! I'm Captain Mag... [gets hit by the water ball] ma. [coughs, then melts to pile of ash]
- Miss Appear: Well, I guess it's up to me! [turns invisible and walks, only her footprints show on the ground] I'll sneak over... unseen... and catch them by surprise. [a boat hits her, sending her through the sign and to the cliff, while still invisible] [yelling and lands on the ground]
- The Quickster: Get it off! Get it off! [eventually stops, but only shown as shoes] Whew, glad that's over.
- [villains look at fallen heroes and Mermaid Man just falls backwards.]
- Barnacle Man: We...We did it. We won! This day belongs to E.V.I.L.! [approaches the fallen Mermaid Man as he laughs maniacally] You've lost, Mermaid Man, and the superhero / super-villain rules say you have to give in to my demands!
- Mermaid Man: Okay, what do you want?
- Man Ray: World domination! Tell him we want world domination!
- Dirty Bubble: Oh, and make him eat dirt! Ha! [Man Ray stares at him questioningly] In addition to the... domination thing.
- Barnacle Man: Number one--I wanna be treated like a superhero, not a sidekick. Number two--I wanna be called Barnacle Man. And number three--
- Man Ray: Come on, domination!
- Barnacle Man: ...I want an adult-sized Krabby Patty.
- Dirty Bubble: [he and Man Ray are shocked] Did you hear him say anything about eating dirt?
- Barnacle Man: Need a hand, superpal? [both start to get tears in their eyes as they grab and shake hands. "FRIEND" appears]
- Mermaid Man: Good to have you back on the side of justice, Kyle. Let's go get you that Krabby Patty! [leaves with Barnacle Boy]
- Man Ray: Was that it? [groans in disgust] That's sickening!
- Dirty Bubble: Oh, this reminds me of the time I went to Cancun with the Killer Shrimp. Oh, they had these papaya drinks that were to die for!
- Man Ray: [while Dirty Bubble is talking] Oh, Neptune, shut up! [at the Krusty Krab. Barnacle Boy is eating an adult-sized Krabby Patty]
- Mermaid Man: How is that adult-sized Krabby Patty treating you, Barnacle [winks] Man?
- Barnacle Man: Actually, it's pretty big. I'm not sure if I can finish the whole thing. [Mermaid Man laughs, then Barnacle Man laughs, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and Squidward come in, all injured and laughing. The guy at make-out reef who was kissing the pillow is laughing, Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble are in jail, laughing, and the chief is making out with himself; he turns around and laughs hysterically]