This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Love That Squid" from season 7, which aired on February 12, 2011.
- [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab.]
- Frankie Billy: Excuse me, a patty for the lady please.
- Squidward: Try reading the sign, Casanova.
- [Frankie tries to read the sign, but he can't]
- Evelyn: You never learned to read, did you?
- Frankie Billy: [sulks] No.
- Evelyn: That's all right, neither did I!
- Frankie Billy: [hugging Evelyn] We were meant for each other! [they walk away happily]
- Squidward: [sighs] Even the illiterate are finding love. [takes out a "Squid Love" book] Oh, Squidward, why are you torturing yourself with tales of romance? [tosses the book away and it lands in SpongeBob's eye]
- SpongeBob: [takes the book out of his eye] Squidward! [puts the book on his tongue] You dropped your ook!
- Squidward: That's no "ook." That's just a cruel reminder that I'm single, and likely to remain that way forever.
- SpongeBob: Don't be sad, buddy. Turn that frown upside down! [flips Squidward's head]
- Squidward: I prefer my frowns in their traditional orientation. [flips his head back to normal]
- SpongeBob: [appearing on top of the cash register in front of Squidward] Just remember, Squidward. You have never experienced true love. [Squidward sighs.] But that doesn't mean you will never find it! You know the saying: There's a squid for every pot!
- Squidward: Great, let the tired cliches cascade forward. [sarcastically] That'll make me feel better.
- [Squilvia walks inside and Squidward gasps]
- Squidward: [bashes into SpongeBob and picks him up as he looks at her] Who-who is that? She's got da-da-da-da-da... [melts] She's, wow!
- Squilvia: I absolutely adore the decor! Exquisitely minimalist!
- Squidward: [gasps] She speaks art jargon!
- Squilvia: What culinary delights doth this menu hold?
- Squidward: SpongeBob, she's got it all! Class, style, grace, [shows a caricature of Squilvia's face. Elephant sounds are heard.] ...and looks only matched by yours truly!
- SpongeBob: Well, why don't you ask her out on one of those dates you keep talking about?
- Squidward: My next move exactly! Observe the old Tentacles charm in all its glory! [tries to speak to her, but becomes nervous]
- Squilvia: Is that Salmonese? [Squidward stutters.]
- SpongeBob: Boy, you are floundering up there!
- Squidward: I don't know what I'm doing! I've never felt like this before.
- SpongeBob: [chuckles] Squiddy, you've been bitten [taps Squidward's nose] ...by the love bug!
- Squilvia: Hello! Hello? I'd like to order.
- Squidward: She's talking to me. What do I do?
- SpongeBob: Squidward, I can help you attract your true love!
- Squidward: You!? You don't know the first thing about the fine art of romance!
- Squilvia: Well, since no one wants to take my order, I'll go elsewhere. [begins to leave]
- Squidward: [gasps] What? She's leaving!
- SpongeBob: Oh no she's not! Hang on, buddy! [cranks up the boat and it moves in front of Squilvia]
- Squilvia: Finally, some service around here.
- SpongeBob: [speaking Pig Latin] Hey, Idward Squay. 'Emeber ray the eat day. [Squidward falls over] I believe Squidward here is trying to ask you on a romantic date, ma'am. Right, Squidward?
- Squidward: [tries to talk, but is constantly feeling romance]
- SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward. Shake the nice lady's hand and say "Hello."
- Squilvia: Hello. [shakes Squidward's hand] My name is Squilvia. Uh... is he okay?
- SpongeBob: Oh, yes. He-he's just tired, you know, from all the hard work he's been doing around here. I so admire his work ethic. [Squidward falls over again] So, what do you think? You want to date him?
- Squilvia: Uh... I don't know. I'm not too sure...
- SpongeBob: Wait a minute! Before you make any hasty decisions, allow me to tell you a few things about my friend, Squidward. Things I think you should know, like that Squidward is by far the single most intelligent person I know.
- Squilvia: Intelligent?
- SpongeBob: That's right! We are talking some serious credentials. [holds a L.A.M.E. certificate]
- Squilvia: [reads off certificate] L.A.M.E.? What school is that?
- SpongeBob: [tosses the certificate, which ends up hitting a fish who shouted "Hey!" off-screen] The point is, he thinks you look like a ray of pure sunshine in that dress.
- Squilvia: Really? Wow. He really said that?
- SpongeBob: You betcha! He's such a charmer.
- Squidward: [to SpongeBob] Don't forget artistic and musical.
- SpongeBob: Not to mention that he's an incredible painter, a virtuoso musician, loves to cook and clean and also enjoys gardening quite a bit, too. [Squidward shows a painting of muscular Squidward, shows his playing the clarinet, shows delicious fricassee, cleans SpongeBob with a feather-duster, and waters a flower. The flower grins.]
- Squilvia: Oh, he sounds interesting!
- SpongeBob: But you know what is the most amazing thing about Squidward? [teary-eyed] It's his selflessness, his undying commitment to being a true friend. And I know anyone who is lucky enough to go on a romantical date with this guy [He sobs with awe and makes an imaginary half-rectangle with his index fingers.] ...would get to experience things on a whole 'nother and very special level. [Squilvia wipes way the tears.] So, how does dinner at 8:00 sound, Squilvia?
- Squilvia: I think that sounds perfect. I'll come by your place, okay?
- Squidward: Uh-huh.
- Squilvia: See you at 8:00, Squidward. [She squeezes Squidward's smile and walks away. Squidward floats away and SpongeBob grabs him]
- SpongeBob: You okay, Squidward? You froze up there, buddy.
- Squidward: [head is in a block of ice, which breaks] What do you mean?
- SpongeBob: I mean, when was the last time you went out on a date?
- Squidward: [A thought bubble appears. He remembers dancing with his last date.] SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?
- SpongeBob: Shhh-shhh. [pushes Squidward's nose to Squidward's mouth] You, my friend, are in desperate need of a practice date before going on the real thing.
- Squidward: That's a great idea, SpongeBob! I'll just have... [going from excited to monotone voice] a practice date? I don't get it.
- SpongeBob: Just meet me at 5:00 at my place, okay Squidward?
- [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. Squidward rings the doorbell]
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Just one minute, Squidward!
- Squidward: [sulks a little a look at his watch] Sometime today would be nice.
- SpongeBob: [He is dressed as Squilvia. female voice] I'm ready!
- Squidward: [screams] Dear Neptune!
- SpongeBob: [puts the finishing makeup touches on his nose] Oh! [smacks his nose, making it bigger, and tilts it down] Missed a spot! [regular voice] Aren't you going to compliment my outfit?
- Squidward: Uh...um...you look...stunning?
- SpongeBob: [giggles, female voice] Oh, you're so sweet! Where are my flowers?
- Squidward: Flowers? Oh! Well, they're...um...did you drop your lip balm?
- SpongeBob: [looks down as Squidward buys some tulips from the Flower Shop] [female voice] I don't think I've dropped anything... Ooh! You shouldn't have.
- Squidward: Oh, but I wanted to!
- SpongeBob: [female voice] No, you really shouldn't have. I'm very allerg... I'm very all... [sneezes on Squidward and the tulips wilt] ...very allergic to tulips. Anyway, are you ready to go?
- Squidward: [wipes away the snot from SpongeBob's sneeze] Go where?
- SpongeBob: [giggles, female voice] To dinner, silly.
- Squidward: Oh, right! Dinner. I'll get my car. [arrives with his boat] Hop in! [SpongeBob clears his throat] What?
- SpongeBob: [regular voice] A gentlemen always opens a door for a lady.
- Squidward: [opens the passenger door] Oh, where are my manners!? [SpongeBob gets in, and Squidward buckles his seatbelt] Alrighty, so...
- SpongeBob: [grunts while struggling with his seatbelt] Oh, come on.
- Squidward: Can I help you with that?
- SpongeBob: [female voice] No, no, I think I've got it! [grunts] Stupid thing!
- Squidward: [takes the seatbelt and buckles it] Would you get- There!
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Ah, snug.
- Squidward: Uh-huh. Can we go now?
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Yes.
- Squidward: Great.
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Right after I tinkle. [He unbuckles his seatbelt, which slaps Squidward in the head. SpongeBob walks inside and rings a bell before returning to the car] Ahhh. Oh, good thing I went, I don’t think I would’ve made it to the restaurant. Is something wrong Squidward?
- Squidward: No! Just hungry that’s all.
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Great, well I know a fabulous place! Just head this way.
- Squidward: Wonderful. [The boat departs SpongeBob's home.]
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Okay now at this stop sign turn right.
- Squidward: Okay.
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Now at this light make a right.
- Squidward: Gotcha.
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Now at this street here make a right. And at this intersection here make a right, and then park right near the orange building just up ahead. [The boat arrives at SpongeBob's home.] Ooh! We're here!
- Squidward: You're a real piece of work, you know that?
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh why, thank you, Mr. Squidward! [regular voice] Way to compliment the date, Squidward.
- [Bubble transition to the pineapple rooftop.]
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Now, it's the chit-chat part of the date. Amuse her with an interesting conversation.
- Squidward: Oh... Um... Chit-chat... Um...can you believe this weather we're having?
- SpongeBob: [normal voice] Okay, good effort, but you might want to start with something more personal. A woman may like to talk about her day, for example. She may want to talk about her promotion at work, or the wacky antics of her pet snail, [female voice] ...or talk about how I was nearly late for our date because I couldn't decide what to wear, and then I didn't really have enough cash to give the lady at the nail salon. [shows his red painted nails]
- Squidward: Urrgh!
- Patrick: [as the waiter, clears throat] Dinner is served.
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh! I'm famished! [Patrick gives SpongeBob and Squidward a plate of meatloaf, partially eaten]
- Patrick: [to Squidward] Don't try to eat it. It's plastic.
- SpongeBob: [normal voice] Now this is the perfect opportunity to work on your table etiquette. [female voice] Squidward, could you please pass the roasted kelp? [Squidward tries to pass the kelp, but Patrick gives it to him]
- Patrick: [passes kelp to SpongeBob] Here you go, ma'am!
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Oh, thank you, sir!
- Patrick: Hey, Squidward, who's the lovely lady sitting across from you? I think she's giving me the cutesy eye!
- Squidward: Oh, no, you don't, Patrick! You cannot just barge in here like this! SpongeBob and I are in the middle of a practice date!
- Patrick: [to SpongeBob] So, do you hang out here often?
- SpongeBob: [female voice] Well, this is my home, silly. [giggles]
- Squidward: Excuse me, but how is this supposed to help me on my real date? [looks at watch, beeping] Which, by the way begins in five minutes. [walks down stairs angrily mumbling]
- SpongeBob: [regular voice] Squidward, wait. We haven't covered... Oh! [grabs the purse and looks inside for the lipstick and pops lips] We haven't covered all the tenets of Dating 101 yet. Squidward, wait. There's a couple more tenets! [trips and falls downstairs causing his clothes to fall off, and bumps into Squidward, causing his head to get stuck in the front door] Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! As I was saying, I'd like to go over just a few more crucial aspects of the first date... [The door melts off Squidward.]
- Squidward: [angrily and growling] First date?! That's it!
- SpongeBob: Such as...
- [Squidward grabs SpongeBob's mouth]
- Squidward: SpongeBob! Would you please just shut it and leave me alone?
- SpongeBob: Um, Squidward...
- Squidward: Don't "um, Squidward" me, you, you annoying, insignificant, waste of my time!
- SpongeBob: Um, Squidward.
- Squidward: Don't interrupt me! [continues to yell at SpongeBob underneath the sand] And don't call me, look at me, write me, or even think of me! Because you and I, we are not friends! And never will be.
- SpongeBob: Does this mean there won't be a second date?
- [Squidward walks and sees Squilvia]
- Squidward: Um, you saw that, didn't you?
- Squilvia: Oh, only all of it.
- Squidward: And you probably think I'm a mean-spirited brute, which, ironically, is the exact opposite of what you were expecting, right?
- Squilvia: Not exactly.
- Squidward: Huh?
- Squilvia: I think a guy who doesn't suffer fools lightly is totally dreamy. Let's go eat!
- Squidward: SpongeBob, I'm dreamy!
- [Squilvia pulls Squidward away so they can go eat]
- SpongeBob: [laughs while waving goodbye] Have fun, you two! SquarePants, your work here is done.
- Patrick: [dressed as a woman] Not quite! I was promised a movie, and some plastic popcorn. [The episode ends.]