[Open at the Krusty Krab. It’s only a shot of the building. A voice comes on from the television playing inside the K.K]
TV Announcer: And now, back to Crustacean Crime Theater!
[Cut to shot of B/W TV show with a crustacean sleeping on the ocean floor wearing a traditional crab shell. A bigger crab shows up, laughing menacingly, and steals the little crab’s shell. The little crab wakes up suddenly. The bigger crab runs away]
Little Crab: Stop! Thief!
[Some policemen show up]
Cop #1: Which way did he go?
Little Crab:[pointing to the direction the thief ran] He went that way!
Policemen: Let's get em, boys!
[The policemen run after the thief and catch him. Cut to shot of jail bars going down with the crab thief behind it]
Thief: Curses! Foiled again!
[Cut to shot of Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob and Patrick watching the television]
Mr. Krabs: What a no-good eel-in-a-kelp that guy was. There ain’t nothing worse than a thief. Thieves need to be locked up forever. They should all be strung up by their gills and forced to breathe air.
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, what about all the stuff you stole?
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
Patrick:[points to barrel Mr. Krabs is standing on] Like that barrel. It says property of Salty Sea Farms.
Mr. Krabs:[jumps off of barrel] Oh, that’s where I rent me pickles from.
SpongeBob: Are you renting the barrel, too?
Mr. Krabs: Well, no.
SpongeBob: Then you bought it?
Mr. Krabs: No.
SpongeBob: Then, isn’t that stealing?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I, uhh…
Patrick:[holds up towel from the “Sizzling Spring Sauna”] What about this towel from the Sizzling Spring Sauna?
Mr. Krabs: Umm…
SpongeBob:[holds up phone]…And this Bikini Bell phone?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I…
Patrick:[holds up hedge clippers] …And Sandy’s hedge clippers?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, there…
SpongeBob:[holds up mini-lawn mower] …And Plankton’s lawn mower?
Mr. Krabs: Well, he…
SpongeBob:[holds up hair curlers] Even Mrs. Puff’s hair curlers?
Mr. Krabs:[grabs it] That one was a gift! Listen, all that stuff is, uhh, borrowed!
SpongeBob: Borrowed? Well, that’s a relief. I thought you took it without permission.
Mr. Krabs: Ahh, permission’s permission. You can borrow anything you want, anytime, as long as if you give it back before it’s missed. Everyone knows that. Right?
SpongeBob & Patrick:[raises fist in air] O.k.
Mr. Krabs: All right then! [Hugs them] Hugs! [Shoves them out of the K.K] You put in a hard day’s work, boys.
Patrick: But I don’t work here!
Mr. Krabs: See you later! [Takes out Mr.s. Puff’s hair curlers] Oh, that was a close one.
[Bubbles go up as the scene changes to Bikini Bottom Park, where people are frolicking and gamboling around. SpongeBob and Patrick walk around slouching, making them look like idiots’. They talk like one, too]
SpongeBob: What do you want to do today?
Patrick: I don’t know. What do you want to do today?
SpongeBob: I don’t know. What do you want to do today?
Patrick: I don’t know. What do you want to do today?
SpongeBob: I don’t know. What do you want to do today?
[Patrick stops after seeing a balloon cart]
Patrick:[gasp] I know what I want to do today! I need some money. [Patrick looks in both his empty pockets, and then decides to look in his belly button. All that is there are some lint, a paper clip and a ticket] Oh, I don’t have any money. [Pleading to SpongeBob] SpongeBob, I want a balloon really, really badly! [His eye veins start growing] REALLY, REALLY BADLY! [Backs off]
SpongeBob: It’s okay, Patrick. There’s lots of money in the First National Bank of SpongeBob. [Makes a rainbow appear out of nowhere. They jump on the rainbow and travel to the other side, where a black pot can be found. SpongeBob picks it up and turns it over. Nothing]
SpongeBob: Uh oh, I’m broke, too. Maybe we could borrow money from Squidward?
Patrick: No, wait! Instead of borrowing the money, why don’t we just borrow the balloon?
SpongeBob: Yeah, like Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: It’s just borrowing, right?
SpongeBob: Yeah, and borrowing is okay as long as we bring it back, right?
[SpongeBob swiftly, but smoothly grabs the balloon while the balloon salesman gives a kid a balloon. They run off to the city to play with it]
Patrick: This is so great!
SpongeBob: We’re going to have so much fun! First we can run with the balloon!
Patrick: Yeah, then we can go to the beach with the balloon!
SpongeBob: Yeah, then we can take a bike ride with the balloon, then we can go to the movies and the arcade and the ice rink and the pizza shop!
Patrick: And the moon and the sky and under a car, behind the dumpster!
SpongeBob: And the candy shop!
Patrick: And then my backyard!
SpongeBob: And in a plane!
Patrick: And over a rock!
SpongeBob: And under a hill!
Patrick: And with a whale!
SpongeBob & Patrick: We love borrowing!
[The balloon pops. Both look flabbergasted and sullen]
SpongeBob: It popped?
[Both take another look, still quiet. They realize that it popped and start screaming]
Patrick: How are we going to return it now, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob:[On the ground, picking up the balloon shards] I got the pieces!
Patrick:[put his hands in the, umm, “air”] I got the air!
[The two hectically try to put the two components back together, but can’t]
SpongeBob: We popped the balloon! We can’t return it! We’re thieves! We have to confess.
Patrick: Confess? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what they do to people like us? We’re not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or a hijacking here, WE!!!! STOLE!!! A BALLOON!!!! [Everybody in town stares at the boys; some try to avoid them altogether] And they’re going to lock us up forever.
SpongeBob:[covering Patrick’s mouth so no one can hear him] You’re right, we’ve just got to keep our heads. Act normal.
[They start acting stupid, body jumping on the ground, wailing and pulling their selves by their tongue]
Billy: Wow, street performers!
[A crowd gathers around admiring the show][crowd cheering]
SpongeBob & Patrick:[yelling] It’s not working! [both scream]
[They run away, smacking into the balloon cart]
Lou: Hi there!
[They scream and run away. The salesman looks confused]
Lou: Hey! Don’t you want a free balloon? It’s National Free Balloon Day!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick running]
Patrick: He’s onto us!
SpongeBob: It’s not safe for Bikini Bottom anymore. We’ve got to move fast and cover our tracks.
Patrick:[running while carrying a can of red paint and making a line of red paint on the sand] I’m on it, SpongeBob!
[Cut to the top of a cliff outside of Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob and Patrick are looking at the whole B.B. saddened]
SpongeBob: Take a last look Patrick. We can never go back.
Patrick:[waving] Good-bye Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob:[picking up hobo stick] We’ve only got ourselves and what we can carry on our backs.
Patrick:[Picks up stick with the cloth wrapped around his rock house] Yup.
SpongeBob: We’re going to have to travel lighter.
[They walk off into the sunset. Cut to next scene. SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting next to a burning fire]
Patrick: I wanna go home.
SpongeBob: We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running...running, but at least it’s warm around the fire.
Patrick: Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...
[The fire dissolves]
Patrick: I’m scared, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: No more nice, warm beds.
SpongeBob:[saddened] No more Krabby Patties. No more getting mail. [Patrick sucks his thumb] No more Gary. No more movies. No more Squidward. No more Sandy or Pearl or Mr. Krabs. No more anything.
Patrick:[crying] I want ice cream!
SpongeBob:[sniffling] But it doesn’t have to be all bad, right? I mean, at least we have each other.
Patrick:[losing sadness] Yeah!
SpongeBob: And all that running is good for your buns and thighs, right? [A picture of a strong, muscular German man shows up. He is wearing nothing but flower-styled shorts]
Muscleman: Ya! Buns and thighs.
[Back to fire scene]
Patrick: And the bitter cold, it’s bracing, isn’t it?
SpongeBob:[looking like a cubic snowman] Yeah! Maybe being a felon could be…[breaks out of snowman] ...fun! [Loosening tie] We can loosen our ties.
Patrick: Yeah! [Unloosens tie from his head. The tie was wrapped tightly on his temple. The air bubble stuck in there deflates. Patrick jumps, waving his hands] And we can fly!
[SpongeBob jumps too close to the edge of the cliff and falls screaming and hits the ground with a thud]
SpongeBob:[echoing from the bottom] Okay, we still can't do that. [Coming back to Patrick] But at least we don’t have to shave.
Patrick: I’m way ahead of you, buddy! [shows SpongeBob his hairy legs]
SpongeBob: And you get to talk tough! [Transforming his head into a 10-gallon hat, imitating a cowboy] This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.
Patrick: Uh, let me try: Uh...hey, punk. [Laughing at himself]
SpongeBob: And the best part is: now that we’re felons, we don’t have to return anything we borrowed!
Both:[jumping for joy] Yeah!
Patrick:[points to SpongeBob] And we owe it all to you.
SpongeBob: What are you talking about? Taking the balloon was your evil plan.
Patrick: Doh, I’m nothing but a lot of talk, you’re the one with the sticky fingers.
SpongeBob: Ahh, Patrick, you’re the best bad influence ever.
Patrick: You, too! [Hugs] I wish we had something to eat, though.
SpongeBob:[taking two chocolate bars out of his pants] Look what I’ve got!
SpongeBob: Not just any rectangles...Candy bars. [Patrick stares at it, amazed]
SpongeBob: All we have to do is make them last for the rest of our lives. [Gives one to Patrick]
Patrick: Thanks SpongeBob. [Stupidly] I think I’ll eat it now. [Takes big bite of the still-wrapped chocolate bar, finishes the rest and then sighs] I think I’ll eat it now. [Takes another big bite, but realizes it’s just his hand] Oww! Where’d my candy bar go? [Starts digging in sand] I must have dropped it.
SpongeBob: You just ate it, Pat. It’s all over your face.
Patrick:[still looking] Where’d it go? I’m going to starve. [Digs a big hole] Where’d it go?
[The sand from Patrick’s digging-like-a-dog covers SpongeBob. Patrick’s head pops up under SpongeBob]
Patrick: I can’t find it! Where could it possibly be? [Looks up and sees SpongeBob with his candy bar] Ah hah!
Patrick:[jumps out of the hole, points at SpongeBob] You stole my candy bar!
SpongeBob: No, I didn’t.
Patrick: Oh, so that’s how it is, huh? Once a thief always a thief.
SpongeBob: You ate yours, [points to his candy bar] this is mine.
Patrick: You took my only food, [camera pans down to show Patrick’s stomach blasting with cellulite] now I’m going to starve.
SpongeBob:[nicely] Here Patrick, just take half of mine.
Patrick: Yours? You mean mine.
SpongeBob: [Getting annoyed] Do you want it or what?
Patrick: I don’t want it unless you admit you took it.
SpongeBob: This is my candy bar.
Patrick: Liar, liar, plants for hire.
SpongeBob: It’s “pants on fire”, Patrick.
Patrick: Well, you would know, liar.
SpongeBob: Well, if you’re going to be that way, I’ll eat it myself.
Patrick: You better not!
[SpongeBob rips open the wrapper]
Patrick:[fiercely] I’m warning you!
[SpongeBob takes the candy bar closer to his mouth swaying his tongue up and down]
[SpongeBob moves his tongue closer, barely touching the bar]
Patrick: Stop it!
[SpongeBob chomps lightly on the bar]
Patrick: Don’t! Ohh!
[SpongeBob puts the bar in his wide opened mouth, his two teeth go across the surface of the bar, making a string line of chocolate]
[SpongeBob puts the bar in his, what would be, ear holes and moves them left to right]
[SpongeBob licks the bar all around while Patrick screams. Then SpongeBob eats the bar]
Patrick:[angrily] You’re a crazy person! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon.
SpongeBob: Did I, Patrick, did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?
Patrick: Ohh, that’s it!
[Patrick stomps his foot down on the firewood. The fire lights up again. Patrick screams]
Patrick: First the balloon, now my candy bar. You’re out of control! I...I... [menacingly] I’m telling on you!
SpongeBob:[gasps] Not if I tell on you first! [runs away, toward the direction of the B.B. police department]
Patrick: I’ll beat you there. [runs]
[The two are in a daftly race to the police department]
SpongeBob: You’re going to get in trouble.
Patrick: No, you are!
[The two finally reach the B.B.P.D. gasping. They going inside and all start to talk at once]
SpongeBob and Patrick: He.. When.. him... and the balloon.. and the boom... I...
Officer Durado: What can I do for you boys?
Both:[they look at each other] We stole a balloon! [they start crying]
[the policeman looks at them, confused. The second policeman comes up]
Officer Malley: What’s the problem here?
Officer Durado: Well, it appears these two stole a balloon.
SpongeBob:[still crying] What are you going to do to us?
[The policemen, whisper to each other]
Officer Duraldo: Okay, follow me.
[The two are taking into cell 2A and the door is shut on them] If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. [pauses for a few] Okay, time’s up. [opens cell] Now, get out.
SpongeBob: But...But...we stole a balloon.
Officer Malley: Yeah, on Free Balloon Day! [laughs with comrade]
[SpongeBob and Patrick are dumbfounded. Cut to scene: Outside of the B.B.P.D]
Officer Durado:[brings out lollipops] How about some lollipops for the roads, boys?
[They take them]
SpongeBob: Let’s vow not to borrow anything without permission again.
Patrick: You said it.
[They put both their lollipops together, but Patrick’s is already eaten. Patrick’s mouth is covered with some lollipop residue]
Patrick: All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop? [Everyone starts laughing]
Patrick: I mean it.
The part where SpongeBob says "No more getting mail." was "No more getting nailed." in the original airing, but was changed to "No more getting mail" in repeats of this episode due to sexual refences.